Jessica Simpson continues to squash herself into the latest role Papa Simpson wants her to play—Chubby County Blonde Girl Next Door. But she’s totally okay with that! A pal told OK! Magazine,

“She’s done depriving herself and missing out on life just to fit into a size 2 jeans,” the friend says. “She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the way she looks.”

One of the reasons the singer is feeling more comfortable may have to do with a certain Dallas Cowboys quarterback! Jess’s boyfriend, Tony Romo, reportedly loves her curvier look and has encouraged her to not take life so seriously.

“Whether she’s catching one of Tony’s games, or just hanging out with him, she’ll throw back a couple of beers, eat some pizza and just have fun,” the singer’s friend says. “She is just in a different place than she used to be and her weight gain is a reflection of that.”

Sure, it’s all fine and good to start eating more and being happy with gaining weight until you find yourself at the bottom of an empty well with a cross-dressing murderer making you rub lotion on your skin. You don’t want the hose, do you?

A lot of times, when people ask me what I “do,” I say “it’s an amalgamation of social commentary and study of the interpersonal dynamics of the culture of celebrity.” And then I pretend to ash my cigar and adjust my imaginary monacle over a snifter of brandy instead of stubbing out my Marlboro in a half-eaten cheeseburger I found under the couch. It just sounds better than saying “I scour the internet looking for upskirts and nip slips like an eleven-year old boy with his mother’s Glamour magazine.” On that note, here’s Jessica Simpson’s bare bottom onstage at Good Morning America yesterday. I’m pretty sure the dynamics of interbeing and monological imperatives are hidden up there somewhere. You just have to keep looking!

Jessica Simpson’s live performance on Good Morning America yesterday sucked bigtime, and not just because she was singing Jessica Simpson songs, either. She had to restart “With You” fifteen seconds in because of audio difficulties and was wearing a dress only a bingo-loving retiree could love, bless her heart. See, “bless her heart” is what we in the South say instead of “I hate you.” Kinda like, “I declare!” instead of “fuck you” and “Why, you look like 10 pounds of shit in a five pound sack!” instead of “you look just like Jessica Simpson.”

Simple Jessica… once there was a retard (on CBS’ morning show):

Jessica Simpson really opened up at her concert at the Avalon Ballroom yesterday and let out a lot of hot air in the process. Hot, stinky air. According to the Niagra Falls Review

This cowgirl seems completely lost and desperate for approval on stage. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing. Simpson opened up about God, divorce and, um, flatulence. “I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.”

I think Andre 3000 said it best — “I know you like to think your shit don’t staaank, but roses really smell like poo poo.” Words to live by, my friends. Words to live by.

Bitter beer face + Leno chin:

In what can only be described as another brilliant move on Papa Simpson’s part, Jessica Simpson is hawking poor-man’s beer Stampede Light Plus. NY Daily News says,

Simpson, 28, will serve as the beer’s spokeswoman and appear in advertisements.

And she’s putting her money where her mouth is - Simpson also owns a 15 percent share in the company.

“Jessica found out about Stampede after trying it in Dallas and lik[ed] it so much that she met with the founder and became an owner,” her rep explained to the Daily News on Wednesday.

The singer, who is releasing her debut country album in September, liked the beer because it was “consistent with her healthy lifestyle and values,” her publicist said. “She likes to invest in healthy products.”

According to its label, Stampede Light Plus beer is chock full of B-vitamins and has only 115 calories per beverage.

So this is like the freaking jackpot! Now I can wash down my Froot Loops (a good source of vitamins!) and no trans-fat Cheetos with a beer that’s good for me! Coupled with splashing my feet in the kiddie pool, I’m on my way to a god-like physique! Michael Phelps who?

Jessica in ads for her new perfume “Fancy”.

Jessica Simpson’s debut country performance opening for Sara Evans at Country Thunder Saturday night wasn’t exactly a success. The Kenosha News Online says

The crowd welcomed Simpson with boos [as] she strutted onto the stage in Daisy Duke shorts and cowboy boots [singing] a cover of “These Boots are Made for Walking.”

Audience members found her attempt to crossover into country irritating and that her vocals lacked a southern sound. “She’s an embarrassment to country music,” [said a fan]. “It’s crap. She doesn’t belong here.”

Well, nothing fixes a floundering career quite like a sex tape, right? Good thing there’s one in the works! According to Digital Spy

The home movie features Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. [The video] has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s holiday sex video.

The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.

Everyone knows that the old saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is totally obsolete in this day and age. The 2008 spin on success should read more like: “if at first you don’t succeed, make sure there’s video of you getting railed on the kitchen counter for mass distribution later on.” After all, success is not a destination, it’s a journey! A journey down anal trail, that is. Godspeed, Jessica!

Her debut country performance:

Real girls eat meat. And — from the looks of Jessica Simpson here — also donuts and Hershey bars and double-potato fritattas. Saddle on up, fatty!

With Tony in LA:

Jessica Simpson reminisces about the trip she took to Kenya in 2005 promoting Operation Smile (a non-profit organization that provides corrective surgery for children born with cleft palates in third world countries) in this month’s issue of Dear Doctor Dentistry & Oral Health. She tells the magazine:

“My experience in Kenya with Operation Smile was incredible. To witness the truly miraculous transformations in the lives of so many desperate needy children was both powerful and personally rewarding.”

Well, I’m not sure which trip she’s talking about, exactly, because that certainly wasn’t the one she took in 2005. The trip she took went something like this:

[Jessica] went on a wildlife tour at one point instead of visiting the hospitals she’d committed to seeing. The press was so, so bad. She [even] backed out of PSAs that were supposed to run afterwards.

There’s nothing like going around reminding everyone of your past failures to bolster the ol’ public image. I’m pretty sure that’s why my parents were always telling me what a huge mistake I was growing up. It was their way of preparing me for a lifetime of success and good fortune. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

Signing autographs at the CMA Music Festival this past weekend:

Looks like Joe Simpson’s shameless begging paid off — despite their recent split, Tony Romo was on hand to escort maid of honor Jessica Simpson down the aisle at little sister Ashlee’s wedding this weekend. People Magazine says

Simpson and her NFL-star beau were spotted together Friday… during Ashlee’s rehearsal dinner, held at Jessica’s Beverly Hills home. “They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. “She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.”

As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo [and Jessica] “were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”

Joe Simpson likes to fancy himself as some kind of clever pirate, commandeering his daughter’s lives and steering them toward his own fiscal success. The reality is he’s like a retarded puppeteer who mostly uses his sock puppets for jerking off and keeping his hand cool while he shoots himself in the foot.

Jessica Simpson is handling the news of ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s new relationship with Jennifer Aniston the way most of the dumped do — drinking herself retarded and calling for mom. According to Us Weekly

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina… that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home (for good measure, [best friend] CaCee Cobb threw up under the table).

She’s on the right track with boozing and everything, but if she really wants to punish him good, the trick is to also fuck a lot of random dudes. Really, the more dudes the better. Two at once, if you can. His best friend. His boss. That guy he plays ball with on the weekends. Then get a registered firearm and threaten to kill yourself after shooting out his front tires at two in the morning. Believe me, if there’s one thing guys like, it’s drama. I’ve been married three times, so I should know.

According to Chicago gossip blog These Boots Are Made for Stalking, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has finally kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb. Star Magazine reports

“They’re broken up,” Tony’s pal told the blog. “He told us they broke up and that was that. We’re guys so we didn’t talk about it much.” Tony made the most of his boys’ weekend — spending hours at Uncle Fatty’s Rum Resort “drinking Grey Goose and Diet Cokes… surrounded by girls. He zeroed in on one blonde all night. That blonde wasn’t Jessica Simpson.”

The blog didn’t mention if he plans on using that throwing arm of his for anything more than moving faggy drinks toward his mouth and jerking off, but I’d say all signs still point to yes. So no worries, Cowboys fans! Everything’s still on track!

Minus Romo this weekend at a Mexican restaurant:

Sometimes, when I’m writing out that $300 check to the U.S. Department of Education, I’ll stop and look up at the diploma hanging over the desk and wonder, “Was it all worth it?” The four years I spent earning my journalism degree; the other two I spent binge drinking and withdraw/failing; the seemingly insurmountable debt — all for one little piece of paper. And then something like this little tidbit from The Sun comes along, and I just have to close my eyes and smile and nod knowingly:

If you thought Jessica was the busty one in the Simpson family - you were wrong. Younger sister Ashlee, out of nowhere, is providing the Dukes Of Hazard star with some healthy competition. It looks like she’s developed a pair of Christina Aguilera-style pregnancy boobs. Either that or the wiring of her bra is truly immense. The mystery deepens…

So was it all worth it? Yes, my friends. Yes, it was.

Ashlee and her monster bazooms with Pete Wentz yesterday: