I totally thought this was going to be about someone else bashing Jessica Simpson’s intelligence (or lack, thereof). No, this is real. Digital Spy says,

Jessica Simpson has revealed that she was recently offered a brain sandwich for a snack.

The 29-year-old, who was filming new TV show The Price Of Beauty in Morocco, said that she declined the local delicacy.

Speaking to OK about the shoot, she said: “We definitely had our moments. Somebody threw a bun in front of me, and I was supposed to make a brain sandwich. You know, that’s not really something I want to partake in!”

The actress and singer added that she loved the country, saying: “The women there are incredible. She stays covered to keep herself for her man, so everything is through her eyes.

“When somebody can carry themselves very confident, sexy, all-knowing, and be completely covered, it’s all about what’s inside of them. It’s about what you define as beautiful. I love Morocco.”

Yes, leave it to Jessica to praise women being oppressed. I’m sure she’d find women getting beaten or killed for being raped or being considered worth less than men not so romantic. Nothing says “I love you”
like a good old fashioned flogging! Here’s a suggestion: Next time, eat the brain sandwich. It wouldn’t hurt to try.

At the  2009 QVC FFANY Shoes On Sale event in New York City, making stupid faces as usual

Jessica Simpson’s beloved Maltipoo Daisy has become the latest victim of internet-savvy canids. It’s just a matter of time before they take over the planet Skynet-style . She tweeted yesterday:

“My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!”

Leave it to Jessica Simpson to take to the internet to make an appeal to a coyote. Well, I guess if they can read ACME manuals and make rocket-powered roller skates to chase down roadrunners, it stands to reason they probably know how to use computers, too. Remember, if you saw it on TV, it’s obviously true! That’s why I keep an anvil under my hat at all times and never look down when I walk off a cliff.

With Daisy in happier times:

Last week, Jessica Simpson came across the grammatical enigma that has eluded black people and wiggers for decades when she tweeted

Is “asks” even a word? If not, sorry 4 my layziness with grammar.

Yes, Jessica, “asks” is a word. So are “dumbass” and “why don’t you go kill yourself already, you stupid fucking twat.”* Might want to write these down.

_{* “Layziness,” however, is not.}

Staggering out of Katsuya with Ashlee Saturday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Although it was rumored that Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson because he found texts from ex-boyfriend John Mayer on her phone, it looks like country music star Kenny Chesney may have actually driven them a part. According to Star Magazine

Jessica was openly flirting with Kenny earlier this month during a summer getaway — and [that] shameless flirtfest that proved to be the last straw for Tony Romo.

“She was giving him all her attention, and they seemed very intimate,” an eyewitness [says of] Jessica and Kenny’s cabana chat. “They were sitting so close, their heads were together.”

Tony “looked real jealous that she was talking to Kenny,” says a source. He angrily confronted his girlfriend… [and then] stormed off the beach.

For the last ten years, Kenny Chesney has been under the misguided impression you won’t figure out he’s bald as a fucking badger as long as he doesn’t take his hat off. He just found the only person dumb enough to actually believe it.

Jessica looking like a crazy homeless woman last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

Meet 43-year old “actress” Michelle Johnson, the mystery woman seen sucking face with 29-year-old football player Tony Romo the day after he dumped Jessica Simpson. Of course, that’s her 25 years ago. I imagine the tits look a little different now. Splash News Online says

Tony and Michelle hooked up after the sports star turned up to a party she threw in L.A’s Sunset Marquis hotel. A source said: “From the moment he got there he was all over her. They were kissing and she sat on his lap.”

Now today we can reveal exactly why Michelle at 14 years his senior may have caught Tony’s attention. In these images taken from her 1984 film Michelle shows her wild side as she repeatedly strips for the camera.

So he went from banging Jessica Simpson to stuffing a middle-aged divorcee who starred in such hits as “Menendez: A Killing in Beverly Hills” and “Her Final Fury: Betty Broderick, the Last Chapter.” And I didn’t think it was possible to sink any lower without actually having sex with a retarded chick. Well-played, Tony Romo. Well-played.

With Demi Moore in 1984’s “Blame it on Rio”:

Jessica Simpson’s ill-advised “Barbie and Ken” themed birthday party never came to fruition this past weekend because boyfriend Tony Romo found texts on her phone from ex John Mayer. According to Radar Online

“[Tony and Jessica] were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it,” the source revealed. “Tony found messages from John and went ballistic.”

While the couple has had their fair share of rocky patches during their relationship, the idea of Simpson possibly cheating with Mayer was the straw that broke the camel’s back: “Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it.”

Although she gets dumped more often than Jennifer Aniston, brave little Jess hasn’t given up on love just yet. She tweeted

“Barbie party didn’t happen, but I turned 29 and feel like I am on top of the world yelling, ‘I love getting older! Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you.”

And if that doesn’t work, put it in a chokehold and smother it with Rocky Road ice cream. You can’t spell “desperate” without “ate,” you know!

Back when she was still hot:

Jessica Simpson invokes old Hollywood glamour in a shoot by famed photographer Mario Testino for next month’s issue of Vanity Fair. While the photo shoot is lovely, the interview inside, not so much. The article begins like this:

[Simpson's] record sales, which peaked in 2003 when [Newlyweds] was in its prime, have fallen ever since — [her] country album sold fewer than 200,000 copies. Her movies: Blonde Ambition grossed $1,771 on its opening weekend; followed by Major Movie Star, which went straight to DVD, where it sank without a trace like a wounded ocean liner.

In short, it’s been a bad time for Jessica Simpson: flop, flop, country flop, fat picture.

She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?

In short, it’s pretty obvious that Vanity Fair got her all gussied up just so they could have an excuse to call her a fat loser and publicly humiliate her in front of God and everybody. I swear, it’s just like my wedding day all over again, except nobody barfs in the punchbowl.

Remember a few years back when Jessica Simpson admitted to having had Restalyne lip injections that she thought looked “so artificial?” Well, someone really ought to tell her that even though “artificial” sounds like a combination of the words “art-y” and “fish-al,” it doesn’t actually mean “like a paintin’ of that sexy Angelina Jolie fish from Shark Tale.” It means they look like goddamn blood sausages on the verge of bursting through their intestinal casings.

With sister Ashlee and boyfriend Tony Romo at Beso last weekend:

Jessica Simpson finds herself even further down the spiral after being dropped by Sony Music. According to OK! Magazine

A staffer for Columbia Nashville, the division of Sony Music… responsible for releasing Jessica’s most recent album, told us that Jessica Simpson has now “come off the label.”

Her latest single, Pray Out Loud, has failed to chart, [and] her winter tour supporting Rascal Flatts has been something of a rocky one, with several shows having been marked by fumbled songs, do overs and booing crowds.

Jessica’s rep tells OK! that she “is and has always been an Epic artist. She was on loan to Sony Nashville for her country album. She continues to be on Epic’s label.”

Geez. The only thing that’s ever crashed and burned faster than Jessica Simpson’s career wound up scrap metal at the bottom of the Florida Everglades. Desperate times call for desperate measures, people. And by “desperate measures” I of course mean “sex tape.” It’s really the only shot she’s got left.

Chubbing it up at a concert in Chula Vista, CA:

Jessica Simpson performed at the Florida Strawberry Festival over the weekend in a pair of denim cutoffs — presumably the ones she wore in 2005’s “Dukes of Hazzard” — proving once and for all she is NOT a fatass. I mean, how could she be fat if she can still fit in the same hot pants? Scientists agree, it’s a real-life mystery!

Good Lordy, hang on to yer pinafores, ladies, because Jessica Simpson is coming out with her own clothing line! Soon, you too can wear double-belted high-waisted mom jeans, a ruffled pink skirt with peek-a-boo back, pretty purple checkered frocks, while you chug down your Stampede Light Plus! Now Magazine explains,

‘I want to create clothes that flatter every figure,’ she tells In Style.

‘We want to reach every type of person - and we do. I’m all about you wearing the dress, not the dress wearing you. I know what flatters a woman, and trust me, I’ve been judged a lot in my life. By now I know what works if you’re curvy.’

Well, if her past wardrobe choices are any indication of what to expect…I assume I’ll be able to see them soon at a Ross or Marshall’s near me.

Do you think Papa Simpson will have a hand in picking out the designs? And, if so, do you think there will be a lingerie section? Just asking.

At “Ye Waverly Inn” with Tony Romo, to, what else, eat.

Footage of a shitty workout video that Jessica Simpson shot back in 2005 has made its way on to the net, and Jessica Simpson is none too happy about it. Neither is the production company, because they’re the ones who leaked it. And also the ones suing her for $10 million dollars for breach of contract. According to Radar Online

Jessica reportedly showed up “tipsy” for the [2005] Speedfit System taping, prompting papa Joe Simpson to ultimately block retailing of the [video].

“Jessica was a mess during that shoot,” an insider reveals. “They asked her to come back and re-shoot, but she refused, and that’s why she’s facing a lawsuit now.”

Speedfit owner Alex Astilean has sued the Simpson’s for a $10 million breach of contract.

One should be careful for what one wishes for, Mr. Astilean. If Jessica Simpson were to reshoot that video right now, think of all the money you’d have to spend on wide-angle lenses and buffet catering alone! Not to mention the blow to the ol’ company credibility. Fitness video don’t go flying off the store shelves when the girl on the front looks like Rosie O’Donnell in a Farrah Fawcett wig. And the name “Speedfit?” It’s all wrong. You’d have to go with something a little more believable, like “The Baconator 3000.” The whole thing is just more trouble than its worth.

The Baconator at the Burbank Airport: