According to Chicago gossip blog These Boots Are Made for Stalking, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo has finally kicked Jessica Simpson to the curb. Star Magazine reports

“They’re broken up,” Tony’s pal told the blog. “He told us they broke up and that was that. We’re guys so we didn’t talk about it much.” Tony made the most of his boys’ weekend — spending hours at Uncle Fatty’s Rum Resort “drinking Grey Goose and Diet Cokes… surrounded by girls. He zeroed in on one blonde all night. That blonde wasn’t Jessica Simpson.”

The blog didn’t mention if he plans on using that throwing arm of his for anything more than moving faggy drinks toward his mouth and jerking off, but I’d say all signs still point to yes. So no worries, Cowboys fans! Everything’s still on track!

Minus Romo this weekend at a Mexican restaurant:

Sometimes, when I’m writing out that $300 check to the U.S. Department of Education, I’ll stop and look up at the diploma hanging over the desk and wonder, “Was it all worth it?” The four years I spent earning my journalism degree; the other two I spent binge drinking and withdraw/failing; the seemingly insurmountable debt — all for one little piece of paper. And then something like this little tidbit from The Sun comes along, and I just have to close my eyes and smile and nod knowingly:

If you thought Jessica was the busty one in the Simpson family - you were wrong. Younger sister Ashlee, out of nowhere, is providing the Dukes Of Hazard star with some healthy competition. It looks like she’s developed a pair of Christina Aguilera-style pregnancy boobs. Either that or the wiring of her bra is truly immense. The mystery deepens…

So was it all worth it? Yes, my friends. Yes, it was.

Ashlee and her monster bazooms with Pete Wentz yesterday:

Jessica Simpson and boyfriend Tony Romo celebrated his birthday over the weekend at Suite nightclub in Dallas, where Jessica serenaded him with a quivery-lipped version of “Happy Birthday” before fisting his Cowboys-themed birthday cake and spackling his face with it. I’m guessing she just forgot “which one on the face the eatin’ hole was.” According to People Magazine

“She licked cake from his face as everyone cheered them on. It was quite a spectacle… Jessica had blue icing all over her hands and mouth and Tony was laughing.”

The neat thing about blue cake is that it makes blue vomit. And there’s nothing funnier than blue vomit. Unless it’s a midget in a top hat being fired from a cannon, but that almost never happens in the mainland U.S. anymore. Fortunately, that’s why God made Singapore.

You might remember that Jessica Simpson was hospitalized for four days back in March for a supposed kidney infection. According to insiders, however, it was less of just a “kidney infection” and more of a “complications from a three-week whiskey binge.” I guess it makes a difference when you’re filing those insurance claims. Blue Cross/Blue Shield don’t cover boozin’! Star Magazine says

After hooking up with Tony [Romo] in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol…. She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”

Adding to her distress, Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test. “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant.”

Drinking ’till organ failure and possibly pregnant? Sounds like somebody missed out on the whole college experience! Toss in “academic suspension,” “leaving the scene of an accident,” and “emergency room gastric irrigation” and it could be my freshman year all over again.

Photoshoot for her fake hair line:

Jessica Simpson recreates Virna Lisi’s iconic March 1965 cover in this April’s issue of Esquire magazine. Inside, you’ll find a dazzling array of pictures of her showcasing her true talents. Her wet, nipply, heaving talents. I suppose “gratuitous near-nudity in men’s magazines” is the next logical step in her career, given the less-than-successful fare of her last two albums. And her last two movies. Oh, and that variety show. Not to mention the shoe line and swim wear line and those god-awful cheap hair extensions. She should streamline her talents into something like “Jessica Simpson Jack-Off Hour,” a solid sixty minutes of Jess doing jumping jacks on a trampoline, or maybe “Messy Jessy,” in which she soaps up after a spirited romp in a mud puddle with other naked girls. Seems like a no-brainer. And if “no-brainer” isn’t a prerequisite for all things Jessica Simpson, I don’t know what is.

Respect her craft:

The good folks at RADAR online have come across the must-have item for your gossip junkie/pervert loser: celebrity-themed blow up sex dolls! For only $29.95, you, too, can have a go at Dirty Christina, JHo, Crazy Daisy (Jessica Simpson in “Dukes of Hazzard”), Lindsay Fully Loaded, Eva Longwhoria, or the Paris Love Doll. Where do I sign up? Interestingly, the manufacturer was only disappointed with one doll in the collection. He tells RADAR

The one I’m not happy with is Paris, which didn’t come out well.

Probably because it has twice the IQ of the real Paris and is missing the herpes simplex virus. How is a guy supposed to believe he’s porking Paris Hilton if he doesn’t finish with a bout with genital blisters and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing? It’s probably too late to market the sense of shame separately. It’s not like shame’s a big a seller¹ to begin with. Unless you’re the Roman Catholic church, of course, in which case shame funds nearly 80% of your adjusted gross income annually.

¹_{I know my “Pictures of Your Mom Naked” in a Can^TM wasn’t nearly the blockbuster I’d hoped it be.}

LSFW plastic celebrity harem:

Cosmopolitan named their annual “Fun and Fearless Men” yesterday in New York, and the one thing the esteemed honorees seemed to have in common — besides their penchant for chest waxing — was Jessica Simpson’s ass. Current boyfriend Tony Romo, ex John Mayer and fling Dane Cook were all among the nominated at the awards. MSNBC says

Romo broke the ice by accepting his award and saying, “Along the red carpet I was asked about 20 times what makes a fun and fearless male, and I didn’t really have an answer, but then I got to thinking … Dane Cook … John Mayer … If you dig Jessica Simpson, I guess you get to do this.”

Not to be outdone, another honoree, rapper Common, accepted his award saying, “Thank you for this award. I haven’t hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I still earned it.”

“Fun and Fearless,” was it? In my day, they called ‘em “Shortbus Stalkers” and you certainly didn’t get an award for it.

Jessica Simpson is heading to Kuwait next month to entertain the troops overseas. That’s in Canada, right? She writes on her fan site

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I… am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops for Operation MySpace, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess “

Unless she plans oiling herself up and singing topless while hopping around on a pogo stick, I doubt there’s gonna be a whole lot of “entertaining” going on in Kuwait. In fact, when asked if they knew what “A Public Affair” was, several enlisted men volunteered, “Is that the one where that girl fucks these all those dudes in the middle of Times Square?” and “No, no, you’re thinking of ‘Public Ass-Pounding,’ dude,” then offered to show me six different ways he could crush a beer can without using his hands. Believe me, Marines have all the entertainment they need even without Jessica Simpson there.

Jessica leaving Katsuya Restaurant in Hollywood last Wednesday:

Another one of Joe Simpson’s Stellar Ideas^TM has come back to bite Jessica Simpson in the ass — this time, in the form of a workout video. According to Page Six

In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company. Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well.

I don’t see what the big deal is. Jessica Simpson bending and squatting in spandex is probably the best idea Joe Simpson ever had. Bonus: we don’t have to watch her “act” or see that impacted-feces face she makes when she sings. We just get to watch her breasts jiggle as she struggles to count backwards from ten. “Seven, six, seven — no, I mean six, seven, eight… dammit, this is hard! Which was is left? I have a hard booger in my nose! I thought you said ‘anal seafood!’ And eight, nine, ten!” That Jane Fonda’s got nothin’ on Jessica Simpson.

Jessica leaving the Waverly Inn in New York January 30th:

After a romantic date at Il Sole Monday night, quarterback Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson hit up the “Metal Skool” karaoke night at Key Club in L.A. Us Weekly says

The Dallas Cowboys quarterback [took] the stage. Romo’s pick: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” As he belted out the hit, Simpson alternated between kissing him on the cheek, wrapping her arms around him and staring dreamily into his eyes. “He was singing directly to her — and she was on cloud nine,” a witness there told Us.

Wow. The only way that guy gets any douchier is if he single-handedly destroyed the Cowboy’s chance at Superbowl-dom and his last name rhymed with “homo.” Oh, wait…

A couple of drunk Jess climbing into Homo’s SUV and some candids at LAX over the weekend:

Star quarterback Tony Romo has finally comes to his senses and wants out of his relationship with Jessica Simpson and her creepy dad. OK! magazine says

On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. “He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of the singer tells OK!. “‘Tony has finally started to realize how high-maintenance Jessica is. We’re talking diva status. She comes with an entourage, and that includes her dad, Joe Simpson.”

But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up. “‘Just friends’ is not in Jessica’s vocabulary. She knows how bad this will look in the media.”

Nothing warms a man’s a heart like desperation. In fact, when it comes to relationships, ladies, your ticket to lifelong happiness with a man centers almost exclusively around the ability to cling with a leech-like tenacity. Of course, if that isn’t working, you could always try anal. It has an almost 74% retention rate, even higher when coupled with a willingness to participate in threesomes and home videos. Signing over your paychecks and the title to your car works great, too. Then you can pull out the big guns and get yourself knocked up and start planning your wedding. It’s as good as an engagement ring, and he doesn’t even have to borrow your credit card to buy it!

Jessica in West Hollywood last week:

Jessica Simpson’s fans turned out in droves for the limited theater release of her latest film “Blonde Ambition.” “Droves,” of course, from the Latin meaning “less than 200.” Page Six reports

Her latest, “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy with fellow Texan Luke Wilson, was headed straight to DVD release when the bosses at Nu Image and Millennium Films decided to give it a limited Christmas run. Bad mistake: The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

$1,332, eh? Let’s break down exactly how many people took in this flick with a little something I like to call “math.” Given the average matinee price for a movie ticket is $6, which we will call “y,” as in y would anyone waste a perfectly good afternoon watching “Blonde Ambition”; an average adult non-matinee ticket is $9 (hereon referred to as “x”); and student and military non-matinee discounts average out to $8 a ticket (hereon referred to as “z”). We’re left with the following equation:

By my calculations, where y = (9x + 8z)/6; x = (6y+8z)/9; and z = (6y + 9x)/8; carry the one and foil method to the second power function of x, you get the following answer:

For a grand total of:

Which in laymen’s terms means:

You can’t argue with math, baby! That’s why I sign all cell phone contracts with a logarithm instead of my name. Cingular¹ can suck it!

The happy family at The Pancake House last week:

¹_{Unless Cingular wishes to advertise on this site, in which case I redact my statement immediately.}