This was supposed to be a post about Jessica Simpson’s new football star boyfriend. Until I saw the above picture, that is. Never has there been a more quintessential lonely fat girl picture. It’s the kind of picture you find sandwiched between a worn copy of “Twilight: New Moon” and Weight Watchers calorie-counting guidebook, only the pretty girls’ eyes have been scratched out with a paperclip and there are horns and mustaches on their faces and the back is covered in nacho cheese and tears. It’s like my junior prom photo all over again.

With Brooke Shields and Jennifer Garner at the opening of the Casino Club At The Greenbrier in West Virginia:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

Remember all the weight that Jessica Simpson supposedly lost? Well, it looks like she found it again. It must have been hiding under all those Baconator wrappers and empty cartons of Triple Chunk Brownie Sundae. Finders keepers!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Here’s Jessica Simpson at the “Operation Smile” gala in New York, sporting her “Bob Mackie 1988 Collector Barbie” dress. When asked what he thought of her dress, pervy pop Joe Simpson made this face and said she should release her bosom, because they looked like “two pigs fightin’ under a blanket”.

I always wondered how it was they got that little ring of plastic around a loaf of a bologna. I don’t wonder anymore.

Jessica Simpson and her casing in New York yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jessica Simpson and her main gay Ken Paves took to the skies (and subsequently to Twitter) to play hair salon on Saturday. Jess wrote:

Carol Brady who? In flight hairdo fun! Aunt Vikki came along too!!!!

So if you ever wanted to know what your mom would look like if she had been mated with Justin Bieber, here you go. And for the record, you might want to see about getting a therapist. I’m pretty sure they make a pill for “pervert weirdo” nowadays. It’s the only way Charlie Sheen’s allowed out in public with out a minder holding a genital cuff and a cattle prod.

Jessica Simpson appears on the cover of next month’s Marie Claire without any make-up or retouching in an effort to promote her new turd of a show “The Price of Beauty.” She tells the magazine:

“There’s always something that I’ve wanted to fix because there’s always somebody who looks better; that’s what we always compare ourselves to. So I think the [show] really was finding what was beautiful inside of me and knowing that it’s unique and rare. And it was a very powerful journey. It has definitely changed my life.

I just wish I was taller, so all those dresses would fit! I like the bump in my nose. It’s an imperfection, but to me it’s perfection. I’m not against reconstructive surgery if it is for a woman to have more confidence.”

I’m not sure how looking as unattractive as possible on a magazine cover is gonna increase potential viewership, but then again, I’m not a fancy television producer. My instinct would be to go with “boobs” and “more boobs,” followed by a couple of high-speed car crashes and footage of fat people falling down. Which is precisely why I’m already in early stages of development with Fox.

Because the title “The Price of Having a Fame-Hungry Father and a String of Failed Relationships that I Eat My Way Through” didn’t really appeal to test audiences:

This will come as no surprise to you, but no one bothered to watch Jessica Simpson’s new show “The Price of Beauty.” Us Magazine says

Monday’s premiere attracted just 1 million viewers. Around 487,000 people tuned in for the encore later in the night.

The show got beat by a rerun of NCIS, a TruTV series called Operation Repo and History Channel’s Pawn Stars.

Even former American Idol Fantasia Barrino had a stronger debut for her VH1 reality show, Fantasia For Real (her show premiere nabbed 2.3 million viewers.)

You might have thought no one would outperform sister Ashlee in the failure department, but you can never underestimate the elder Simpson. If crashing and burning were an Olympic event, she’d be China. Because she’s gigantic and nobody likes her, you see. And also because she smells like fried pork.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I get a lot of hatemail telling me what a misogynistic douchebag I am because I call out celebrities for being fat. Like this post about Jessica Simpson, for example. So in light of all the angry comments and emails, I think I need to explain my reasoning for calling her fat yesterday, so that we can put all this ugliness behinds us and move on with our lives. Or at least so you’ll fuck off and stop being such a whiny crybaby bitch.

Let me begin by saying that fat does not mean obese. I wasn’t saying she’s obese, because she’s clearly not. “Plump” or “chubby” or “ample,” yes. Come on. Just look at her. She’s carrying about fifteen extra pounds around her midsection, whether you want to believe it or not. It’s right fucking there in the pictures. That part’s really not up for debate, because it’s a fact.

So why call her out on it, you ask? Well, here’s why. One, because it’s what I do. Two, she has a slew of dietitians, personal chefs and trainers at her disposal any given time of day; and three, she has more free time in one day than you and I will have in the space of two fucking weeks. That bitch has nothing but time. Somewhere in between getting a manicure and shooting another ProActiv commercial, she ought to be able to squeeze in a half hour at the gym. It’s her job to be attractive. Let’s not pretend she’s a real musician here. Her singing was always average at best — what sold it was the package, the buxom blonde bombshell, the great body.

Now, is she still better looking than 95% of America? Sure she is, because most of us are twenty pounds overweight anyway. So we can all agree here that yes, she is attractive, and yes, she’s gained some weight. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

And lastly, it’s my job to make fun of these people. If you want to read some kiss-ass ode to the wonderfulness that is Hollywood, you’re on the wrong fucking site. Snark is the name of the game here. If you can’t handle it, go back to typing your angry emails and wallowing in your tubs of Rocky Road and self-loathing. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m off to the gym. You know what they say — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t walk around naked. Not unless they’ve got my 12% body fat and rock-hard gluts, anyway. Recognize!

And now for the one thing that binds us all together — boobs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jessica Simpson was on “The Late Show” with David Letterman last night, presumably to talk about her new show “The Price of Beauty,” but of course she spent most of the time talking about the men who’d dumped her and being fat. Well, technically, she didn’t as much talk about being fat as she did wear a dress that made her look like the broad side of a Mack truck, so I assume she was trying to broach the subject tastefully. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. That probably translates to about a hundred and sixty pounds, give or take, if you could actually weigh them.

Watch the interview after the jump.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Jessica Simpson is sitting down with Oprah today to talk about how hurt she was by ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s “sexual napalm” comments about her in Playboy. The Daily Mail says

As the singer struggled to hold back the tears, Jessica, 29, spoke to the Queen of Chat about how hurt she was when Mayer, 32, told the magazine last month that she was like a drug to him sexually.

But despite his apology, Jessica is still livid about his remarks and looked visibly upset in her interview with Oprah.

The full interview will be broadcast in the U.S. [today] but a sneak-peek trailer shows Jessica telling Oprah: ‘I don’t want people to know how I am in bed.’

Of course she doesn’t want people to know how she is in bed! It’s not like she ever invited cameras into her bedroom at any point in her life or anything! Oh, wait a minute… yes. Yes, she did. My mistake. I think the words I’m looking for here are “fuck you” and “you stupid whiny bitch.” You reap what you sow, fatty!

When she was still jerkable:

Ken Paves demonstrates the best way to help “escort” a lady to the door in a crowded venue: breast-first. Gets ‘em every time. Whereas if you’re a girl, I recommend the “tugboat whistle” approach, where you “escort” your man through the room penis-first. Remember, two short blasts followed by a long one means “come on already,” while two long, one short indicates that you wish to pass an approaching maritime vessel on the starboard side. And that really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, now does it? Let’s just try to stay focused here, ladies

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jessica Simpson owned up to her many failures in an in-depth interview with next month’s Allure magazine. And although she’s crashed and burned in a manner only previously seen with Exxon oil tanker and an Alaskan coastline, we all know what’s important is that you learn from your mistakes when you fail. Right? Not if you’re a Simpson! The NY Daily News says

Asked what she has learned from her relationships with ex-hubby Nick Lachey, musician John Mayer and NFL star Tony Romo, Simpson says, “Nothing.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Unless I’d said, “Thinkin and book-learnin make my brain feel all hurty.” Now on to more important issues: her tits.

“I will never do nudity,” she declares. “I don’t care how dark and intellectual the role could be, I don’t care if I frickin’ could get an Oscar for it, I’m not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don’t think people deserve to see what’s under my clothing. That’s only for my next husband. Ha ha ha.”

It’s good that acting accolades mean “nothing” to her. Because that “Major Movie Star” and “Blonde Ambition” were shat out of the ass of critical acclaim, and “Employee of the Month” was the chaser. The only thing she seems to be good at is failing, and nobody’s ever managed to make a career out of that. Other than France and Tom Green, but I don’t think they really count.

If you didn’t catch it in the quickies yesterday, see her practically naked here.