Jessica Simpson’s career seems to have taken a hard turn due South — last month, she performed at the San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino, a venue that only seats 2,500 people. Did I mention it was a fucking bingo hall? Yeah. Also commonly referred to as “the last stop before Steinmart on the career crash-and-burn express.” OK! Magazine says
The hall’s florescent lighting, dirty carpet and fried-food odor is a far cry from the venues [Jessica] played back when her albums sold 7 million copies.
“Jessica’s dressing room at the bingo hall was a little larger than a broom closet,” an insider [says]. There’s an iron, but no ironing board. There’s not even a fridge!”
I’m pretty sure the only thing lamer than performing at a bingo hall is performing at the food court in the mall accompanied by the seventh grade band. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
Kid Rock’s kid sister at the grocery store last month:
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Lindsay Lohan will be one of the millions dressing up as Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin this Halloween. According to the NY Daily News
[Lindsay's] costume will include the glasses, the perky red suit and ample cleavage. Even better, Lohan gal pal Sam Ronson is thinking about dressing as Sarah’s snow-machine-ridin’ hunky hubby, Todd, to complete the package.
The most predictable costume of 2008? I have to say I’m a little disappointed. I thought Lindsay would go the irony route and dress up as Anne Heche. Something a little more tongue-in-cheek, you know. Because the whole “tongue-in-vagina” bit isn’t foolin’ anybody!
Speaking of costumes, Jessica Simpson dressed as Dale, Jr. at the Bank of America 500 this weekend:
Jessica Simpson continues to squash herself into the latest role Papa Simpson wants her to play—Chubby County Blonde Girl Next Door. But she’s totally okay with that! A pal told OK! Magazine,
“She’s done depriving herself and missing out on life just to fit into a size 2 jeans,” the friend says. “She doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the way she looks.”
One of the reasons the singer is feeling more comfortable may have to do with a certain Dallas Cowboys quarterback! Jess’s boyfriend, Tony Romo, reportedly loves her curvier look and has encouraged her to not take life so seriously.
“Whether she’s catching one of Tony’s games, or just hanging out with him, she’ll throw back a couple of beers, eat some pizza and just have fun,” the singer’s friend says. “She is just in a different place than she used to be and her weight gain is a reflection of that.”
Sure, it’s all fine and good to start eating more and being happy with gaining weight until you find yourself at the bottom of an empty well with a cross-dressing murderer making you rub lotion on your skin. You don’t want the hose, do you?
A lot of times, when people ask me what I “do,” I say “it’s an amalgamation of social commentary and study of the interpersonal dynamics of the culture of celebrity.” And then I pretend to ash my cigar and adjust my imaginary monacle over a snifter of brandy instead of stubbing out my Marlboro in a half-eaten cheeseburger I found under the couch. It just sounds better than saying “I scour the internet looking for upskirts and nip slips like an eleven-year old boy with his mother’s Glamour magazine.” On that note, here’s Jessica Simpson’s bare bottom onstage at Good Morning America yesterday. I’m pretty sure the dynamics of interbeing and monological imperatives are hidden up there somewhere. You just have to keep looking!
Jessica Simpson’s live performance on Good Morning America yesterday sucked bigtime, and not just because she was singing Jessica Simpson songs, either. She had to restart “With You” fifteen seconds in because of audio difficulties and was wearing a dress only a bingo-loving retiree could love, bless her heart. See, “bless her heart” is what we in the South say instead of “I hate you.” Kinda like, “I declare!” instead of “fuck you” and “Why, you look like 10 pounds of shit in a five pound sack!” instead of “you look just like Jessica Simpson.”
Simple Jessica… once there was a retard (on CBS’ morning show):
Jessica Simpson really opened up at her concert at the Avalon Ballroom yesterday and let out a lot of hot air in the process. Hot, stinky air. According to the Niagra Falls Review
This cowgirl seems completely lost and desperate for approval on stage. She’s still living in a reality show, convinced everyone is so fascinated with her personal life, they’d rather hear her talk than sing. Simpson opened up about God, divorce and, um, flatulence. “I do pass gas a lot,” she said. “I guarantee it smells like roses.”
I think Andre 3000 said it best — “I know you like to think your shit don’t staaank, but roses really smell like poo poo.” Words to live by, my friends. Words to live by.
In what can only be described as another brilliant move on Papa Simpson’s part, Jessica Simpson is hawking poor-man’s beer Stampede Light Plus. NY Daily News says,
Simpson, 28, will serve as the beer’s spokeswoman and appear in advertisements.
And she’s putting her money where her mouth is – Simpson also owns a 15 percent share in the company.
“Jessica found out about Stampede after trying it in Dallas and lik[ed] it so much that she met with the founder and became an owner,” her rep explained to the Daily News on Wednesday.
The singer, who is releasing her debut country album in September, liked the beer because it was “consistent with her healthy lifestyle and values,” her publicist said. “She likes to invest in healthy products.”
According to its label, Stampede Light Plus beer is chock full of B-vitamins and has only 115 calories per beverage.
So this is like the freaking jackpot! Now I can wash down my Froot Loops (a good source of vitamins!) and no trans-fat Cheetos with a beer that’s good for me! Coupled with splashing my feet in the kiddie pool, I’m on my way to a god-like physique! Michael Phelps who?
Jessica Simpson’s debut country performance opening for Sara Evans at Country Thunder Saturday night wasn’t exactly a success. The Kenosha News Online says
The crowd welcomed Simpson with boos [as] she strutted onto the stage in Daisy Duke shorts and cowboy boots [singing] a cover of “These Boots are Made for Walking.”
Audience members found her attempt to crossover into country irritating and that her vocals lacked a southern sound. “She’s an embarrassment to country music,” [said a fan]. “It’s crap. She doesn’t belong here.”
Well, nothing fixes a floundering career quite like a sex tape, right? Good thing there’s one in the works! According to Digital Spy
The home movie features Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. [The video] has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s holiday sex video.
The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.
Everyone knows that the old saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is totally obsolete in this day and age. The 2008 spin on success should read more like: “if at first you don’t succeed, make sure there’s video of you getting railed on the kitchen counter for mass distribution later on.” After all, success is not a destination, it’s a journey! A journey down anal trail, that is. Godspeed, Jessica!
Jessica Simpson reminisces about the trip she took to Kenya in 2005 promoting Operation Smile (a non-profit organization that provides corrective surgery for children born with cleft palates in third world countries) in this month’s issue of Dear Doctor Dentistry & Oral Health. She tells the magazine:
“My experience in Kenya with Operation Smile was incredible. To witness the truly miraculous transformations in the lives of so many desperate needy children was both powerful and personally rewarding.”
Well, I’m not sure which trip she’s talking about, exactly, because that certainly wasn’t the one she took in 2005. The trip she took went something like this:
[Jessica] went on a wildlife tour at one point instead of visiting the hospitals she’d committed to seeing. The press was so, so bad. She [even] backed out of PSAs that were supposed to run afterwards.
There’s nothing like going around reminding everyone of your past failures to bolster the ol’ public image. I’m pretty sure that’s why my parents were always telling me what a huge mistake I was growing up. It was their way of preparing me for a lifetime of success and good fortune. Thanks, Mom and Dad!
Signing autographs at the CMA Music Festival this past weekend:
Looks like Joe Simpson’s shameless begging paid off — despite their recent split, Tony Romo was on hand to escort maid of honor Jessica Simpson down the aisle at little sister Ashlee’s wedding this weekend. People Magazine says
Simpson and her NFL-star beau were spotted together Friday… during Ashlee’s rehearsal dinner, held at Jessica’s Beverly Hills home. “They were very cozy and cute together,” said a source close to the couple. “She was in an amazing mood and so happy her sister was getting married.”
As for Saturday’s wedding and Alice In Wonderland-themed reception, Romo [and Jessica] “were kissing and holding hands throughout the night. He was very sweet to her. They were very much a couple.”
Joe Simpson likes to fancy himself as some kind of clever pirate, commandeering his daughter’s lives and steering them toward his own fiscal success. The reality is he’s like a retarded puppeteer who mostly uses his sock puppets for jerking off and keeping his hand cool while he shoots himself in the foot.
