You might remember that Jessica Simpson was hospitalized for four days back in March for a supposed kidney infection. According to insiders, however, it was less of just a “kidney infection” and more of a “complications from a three-week whiskey binge.” I guess it makes a difference when you’re filing those insurance claims. Blue Cross/Blue Shield don’t cover boozin’! Star Magazine says

After hooking up with Tony [Romo] in November, insiders say her partying and drinking are out of control. Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol…. She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”

Adding to her distress, Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test. “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant.”

Drinking ’till organ failure and possibly pregnant? Sounds like somebody missed out on the whole college experience! Toss in “academic suspension,” “leaving the scene of an accident,” and “emergency room gastric irrigation” and it could be my freshman year all over again.

Photoshoot for her fake hair line:

Jessica Simpson recreates Virna Lisi’s iconic March 1965 cover in this April’s issue of Esquire magazine. Inside, you’ll find a dazzling array of pictures of her showcasing her true talents. Her wet, nipply, heaving talents. I suppose “gratuitous near-nudity in men’s magazines” is the next logical step in her career, given the less-than-successful fare of her last two albums. And her last two movies. Oh, and that variety show. Not to mention the shoe line and swim wear line and those god-awful cheap hair extensions. She should streamline her talents into something like “Jessica Simpson Jack-Off Hour,” a solid sixty minutes of Jess doing jumping jacks on a trampoline, or maybe “Messy Jessy,” in which she soaps up after a spirited romp in a mud puddle with other naked girls. Seems like a no-brainer. And if “no-brainer” isn’t a prerequisite for all things Jessica Simpson, I don’t know what is.

Respect her craft:

The good folks at RADAR online have come across the must-have item for your gossip junkie/pervert loser: celebrity-themed blow up sex dolls! For only $29.95, you, too, can have a go at Dirty Christina, JHo, Crazy Daisy (Jessica Simpson in “Dukes of Hazzard”), Lindsay Fully Loaded, Eva Longwhoria, or the Paris Love Doll. Where do I sign up? Interestingly, the manufacturer was only disappointed with one doll in the collection. He tells RADAR

The one I’m not happy with is Paris, which didn’t come out well.

Probably because it has twice the IQ of the real Paris and is missing the herpes simplex virus. How is a guy supposed to believe he’s porking Paris Hilton if he doesn’t finish with a bout with genital blisters and an overwhelming sense of self-loathing? It’s probably too late to market the sense of shame separately. It’s not like shame’s a big a seller¹ to begin with. Unless you’re the Roman Catholic church, of course, in which case shame funds nearly 80% of your adjusted gross income annually.

¹_{I know my “Pictures of Your Mom Naked” in a Can^TM wasn’t nearly the blockbuster I’d hoped it be.}

LSFW plastic celebrity harem:

Cosmopolitan named their annual “Fun and Fearless Men” yesterday in New York, and the one thing the esteemed honorees seemed to have in common — besides their penchant for chest waxing — was Jessica Simpson’s ass. Current boyfriend Tony Romo, ex John Mayer and fling Dane Cook were all among the nominated at the awards. MSNBC says

Romo broke the ice by accepting his award and saying, “Along the red carpet I was asked about 20 times what makes a fun and fearless male, and I didn’t really have an answer, but then I got to thinking … Dane Cook … John Mayer … If you dig Jessica Simpson, I guess you get to do this.”

Not to be outdone, another honoree, rapper Common, accepted his award saying, “Thank you for this award. I haven’t hooked up with Jessica Simpson, but I still earned it.”

“Fun and Fearless,” was it? In my day, they called ‘em “Shortbus Stalkers” and you certainly didn’t get an award for it.

Jessica Simpson is heading to Kuwait next month to entertain the troops overseas. That’s in Canada, right? She writes on her fan site

“Hey ya’ll. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know that I… am heading to Kuwait to do a show for the troops for Operation MySpace, then back in the studio. I love you all and am so blessed by the support and love you show me everyday!! xoxo jess “

Unless she plans oiling herself up and singing topless while hopping around on a pogo stick, I doubt there’s gonna be a whole lot of “entertaining” going on in Kuwait. In fact, when asked if they knew what “A Public Affair” was, several enlisted men volunteered, “Is that the one where that girl fucks these all those dudes in the middle of Times Square?” and “No, no, you’re thinking of ‘Public Ass-Pounding,’ dude,” then offered to show me six different ways he could crush a beer can without using his hands. Believe me, Marines have all the entertainment they need even without Jessica Simpson there.

Jessica leaving Katsuya Restaurant in Hollywood last Wednesday:

Another one of Joe Simpson’s Stellar Ideas^TM has come back to bite Jessica Simpson in the ass — this time, in the form of a workout video. According to Page Six

In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company. Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million - and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well.

I don’t see what the big deal is. Jessica Simpson bending and squatting in spandex is probably the best idea Joe Simpson ever had. Bonus: we don’t have to watch her “act” or see that impacted-feces face she makes when she sings. We just get to watch her breasts jiggle as she struggles to count backwards from ten. “Seven, six, seven — no, I mean six, seven, eight… dammit, this is hard! Which was is left? I have a hard booger in my nose! I thought you said ‘anal seafood!’ And eight, nine, ten!” That Jane Fonda’s got nothin’ on Jessica Simpson.

Jessica leaving the Waverly Inn in New York January 30th:

After a romantic date at Il Sole Monday night, quarterback Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson hit up the “Metal Skool” karaoke night at Key Club in L.A. Us Weekly says

The Dallas Cowboys quarterback [took] the stage. Romo’s pick: Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.” As he belted out the hit, Simpson alternated between kissing him on the cheek, wrapping her arms around him and staring dreamily into his eyes. “He was singing directly to her — and she was on cloud nine,” a witness there told Us.

Wow. The only way that guy gets any douchier is if he single-handedly destroyed the Cowboy’s chance at Superbowl-dom and his last name rhymed with “homo.” Oh, wait…

A couple of drunk Jess climbing into Homo’s SUV and some candids at LAX over the weekend:

Star quarterback Tony Romo has finally comes to his senses and wants out of his relationship with Jessica Simpson and her creepy dad. OK! magazine says

On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. “He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of the singer tells OK!. “‘Tony has finally started to realize how high-maintenance Jessica is. We’re talking diva status. She comes with an entourage, and that includes her dad, Joe Simpson.”

But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up. “‘Just friends’ is not in Jessica’s vocabulary. She knows how bad this will look in the media.”

Nothing warms a man’s a heart like desperation. In fact, when it comes to relationships, ladies, your ticket to lifelong happiness with a man centers almost exclusively around the ability to cling with a leech-like tenacity. Of course, if that isn’t working, you could always try anal. It has an almost 74% retention rate, even higher when coupled with a willingness to participate in threesomes and home videos. Signing over your paychecks and the title to your car works great, too. Then you can pull out the big guns and get yourself knocked up and start planning your wedding. It’s as good as an engagement ring, and he doesn’t even have to borrow your credit card to buy it!

Jessica in West Hollywood last week:

Jessica Simpson’s fans turned out in droves for the limited theater release of her latest film “Blonde Ambition.” “Droves,” of course, from the Latin meaning “less than 200.” Page Six reports

Her latest, “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy with fellow Texan Luke Wilson, was headed straight to DVD release when the bosses at Nu Image and Millennium Films decided to give it a limited Christmas run. Bad mistake: The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

$1,332, eh? Let’s break down exactly how many people took in this flick with a little something I like to call “math.” Given the average matinee price for a movie ticket is $6, which we will call “y,” as in y would anyone waste a perfectly good afternoon watching “Blonde Ambition”; an average adult non-matinee ticket is $9 (hereon referred to as “x”); and student and military non-matinee discounts average out to $8 a ticket (hereon referred to as “z”). We’re left with the following equation:

By my calculations, where y = (9x + 8z)/6; x = (6y+8z)/9; and z = (6y + 9x)/8; carry the one and foil method to the second power function of x, you get the following answer:

For a grand total of:

Which in laymen’s terms means:

You can’t argue with math, baby! That’s why I sign all cell phone contracts with a logarithm instead of my name. Cingular¹ can suck it!

The happy family at The Pancake House last week:

¹_{Unless Cingular wishes to advertise on this site, in which case I redact my statement immediately.}

It’s confirmed — Jessica Simpson’s new movie “Blonde Ambition” is going straight to DVD.¹ Us Weekly reports

Jessica Simpson’s latest attempt at big screen success won’t even make it to the big screen. A January 22 release date has been confirmed for the romantic comedy costarring Luke Wilson. “The movie is absolutely horrible,” a source told Us in August. “It’s just a bomb, mainly because of Jessica’s acting.”

A better title for the movie would have probably been “Blonde Contrition.” And it should have really been less of a movie and more of “hours of uncensored footage of a man getting raped by a donkey.” That way it’d be illegal for distribution in 24 of the 50 states and Luke Wilson could maybe see about getting a little of his dignity back.

¹_{Down the crapper}

Movie stills:

Jessica Simpson wants to earn your respect the old-fashioned way — by getting totally naked on the big screen. Remember how well it worked for Elizabeth Berkley? Female First says:

“Jessica is in the running for a role that, if she gets it, will put her right on the map in terms of acting. The only hitch is that the script requires a number of quite graphic scenes including a full-frontal nude scene. Jessica is so desperate to land the role and get the industry’s respect that she’s ready to go against her better judgement, and her family, by agreeing to bare all.”

Jessica’s… most recent film ‘Blonde Ambition’ [failed] to gain a cinema release and [is] being branded a “disaster”.

I find there’s no better way to earn the respect of your peers than showing your tits. It’s fool-proof. So I can’t parallel park. Look! Tits! So I never actually finished college. Boobs! Get your boobs here! And maybe I had a Vulcan Koon-ut-kal-if-fee Marr ceremony instead of an actual wedding and maybe I moonlight as third level Dwarf Paladin and I might have once spent 36 consecutive hours suspended by my underwear inside a middle school locker, but BOOBS! See, it’s a lock! The only way you could possibly respect me any more right now is if I ran a Sicilian mob or had a top hat and a British accent.

Jessica not totally naked and therefore NOT garnering my respect this weekend:

Once again, Jessica Simpson’s father is responsible for her latest boyfriend. And by “boyfriend,” I of course meant “guy who uses her boobs for target practice until her crippling self-esteem issues shrivel up his penis like a big jar of hot brine.” Page Six reports

Jessica Simpson has her daddy, Joe, to thank for her new love, quarterback Tony Romo. A pal said, “Joe is a huge Dallas Cowboy fan, and Tony has always had a crush on her. Tony… called Joe and said, ‘I know she’s not dating anyone right now, can I take her out for a drink at least?’ They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now, and Jessica is so happy.” The lovebirds are so into each other that Romo joined the Simpsons for Thanksgiving.

Pretty much anything having to do with Jessica’s vagina is courtesy her pervert father. Ten bucks says he called Page Six with this story himself, then finished it with a “check out her awesome tits!” while holding his hands out a foot from his chest and making honking sounds. I’m glad he took a little time off from taking dirty pictures of her to pass her ass along to some whoremonger formerly linked to like seven other Hollywood sluts (including Britney Spears). That’s like finding a used condom underneath a passed-out hobo and offering to stuff it inside your eldest daughter just in time for her new country album to drop. The only difference is the passed-out hobo happens to make $67.5 million dollars and be on TV a lot. It’s practically a country song in the making!

Jess at Birds Bar last week: