Jessica Simpson was on “The Late Show” with David Letterman last night, presumably to talk about her new show “The Price of Beauty,” but of course she spent most of the time talking about the men who’d dumped her and being fat. Well, technically, she didn’t as much talk about being fat as she did wear a dress that made her look like the broad side of a Mack truck, so I assume she was trying to broach the subject tastefully. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. That probably translates to about a hundred and sixty pounds, give or take, if you could actually weigh them.

Watch the interview after the jump.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Jessica Simpson is sitting down with Oprah today to talk about how hurt she was by ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s “sexual napalm” comments about her in Playboy. The Daily Mail says

As the singer struggled to hold back the tears, Jessica, 29, spoke to the Queen of Chat about how hurt she was when Mayer, 32, told the magazine last month that she was like a drug to him sexually.

But despite his apology, Jessica is still livid about his remarks and looked visibly upset in her interview with Oprah.

The full interview will be broadcast in the U.S. [today] but a sneak-peek trailer shows Jessica telling Oprah: ‘I don’t want people to know how I am in bed.’

Of course she doesn’t want people to know how she is in bed! It’s not like she ever invited cameras into her bedroom at any point in her life or anything! Oh, wait a minute… yes. Yes, she did. My mistake. I think the words I’m looking for here are “fuck you” and “you stupid whiny bitch.” You reap what you sow, fatty!

When she was still jerkable:

Ken Paves demonstrates the best way to help “escort” a lady to the door in a crowded venue: breast-first. Gets ‘em every time. Whereas if you’re a girl, I recommend the “tugboat whistle” approach, where you “escort” your man through the room penis-first. Remember, two short blasts followed by a long one means “come on already,” while two long, one short indicates that you wish to pass an approaching maritime vessel on the starboard side. And that really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, now does it? Let’s just try to stay focused here, ladies

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jessica Simpson owned up to her many failures in an in-depth interview with next month’s Allure magazine. And although she’s crashed and burned in a manner only previously seen with Exxon oil tanker and an Alaskan coastline, we all know what’s important is that you learn from your mistakes when you fail. Right? Not if you’re a Simpson! The NY Daily News says

Asked what she has learned from her relationships with ex-hubby Nick Lachey, musician John Mayer and NFL star Tony Romo, Simpson says, “Nothing.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Unless I’d said, “Thinkin and book-learnin make my brain feel all hurty.” Now on to more important issues: her tits.

“I will never do nudity,” she declares. “I don’t care how dark and intellectual the role could be, I don’t care if I frickin’ could get an Oscar for it, I’m not going to do it. Those accolades mean nothing to me. I don’t think people deserve to see what’s under my clothing. That’s only for my next husband. Ha ha ha.”

It’s good that acting accolades mean “nothing” to her. Because that “Major Movie Star” and “Blonde Ambition” were shat out of the ass of critical acclaim, and “Employee of the Month” was the chaser. The only thing she seems to be good at is failing, and nobody’s ever managed to make a career out of that. Other than France and Tom Green, but I don’t think they really count.

If you didn’t catch it in the quickies yesterday, see her practically naked here.

Oh, look — it’s Patsy Stone from “Absolutely Fabulous” at the premiere of “Extraordinary Measures!” Boy, she’s really put on a few, hasn’t she? The Patsy I remember had only eaten a single crisp since 1974; this Patsy seems to have just plowed through an entire warehouse pallet of them. I guess drinking Chanel No. 5 straight from the bottle causes more bloating than you’d think. That’s why always I stick with English Leather for Men. Rugged and refreshing, without any of the unwanted calories of high-end perfumes!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Sweet Jesus, y’all.  Jessica Simpson went someplace yesterday and she did some stuff.  Or something.  I don’t really know, and it’s entirely beside the point anyway, because the point here is HOLY SWEET & SOUR JESUS her boobs are GINORMOUS.  How does she even remain upright?

Jessica Simpson is expanding–and no, this time it’s not her waist. Digital Spy reports:

Jessica Simpson is planning to become a jewellery designer, according to reports.

After releasing her own fashion collection, the singer and reality TV star is allegedly in talks with jeweller Pascal Mouawad to create a new exclusive line.

An insider told Fox News: “Jess and her mom are really pushing the wedding rings. Jess wants her own line but Pascal isn’t so keen on that.

“He wants to work with her, but definitely doesn’t think wedding rings would be appropriate for Jessica.”

Yeah no shit, Sherlock. She can hold onto a man like Stephen Hawking can hold onto a fish. Not exactly inspirational for eternal love. Personally I was thinking more along the lines of little golden cowbells wreathed with forget-me-nots. Stick with what you know, I always say.

Arriving at LAX:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin.com

Jessica Simpson lumbered out of whatever cave she’s been hiding in for the last six months for sister Ashlee’s debut performance on Broadway last night. I’m guessing her inspiration for that dress was that python that tried to eat the alligator but exploded halfway through the job. I haven’t seen that many lumps and ridges since my wax relief map of the Shenandoah Valley melted in the front seat of the car.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I totally thought this was going to be about someone else bashing Jessica Simpson’s intelligence (or lack, thereof). No, this is real. Digital Spy says,

Jessica Simpson has revealed that she was recently offered a brain sandwich for a snack.

The 29-year-old, who was filming new TV show The Price Of Beauty in Morocco, said that she declined the local delicacy.

Speaking to OK about the shoot, she said: “We definitely had our moments. Somebody threw a bun in front of me, and I was supposed to make a brain sandwich. You know, that’s not really something I want to partake in!”

The actress and singer added that she loved the country, saying: “The women there are incredible. She stays covered to keep herself for her man, so everything is through her eyes.

“When somebody can carry themselves very confident, sexy, all-knowing, and be completely covered, it’s all about what’s inside of them. It’s about what you define as beautiful. I love Morocco.”

Yes, leave it to Jessica to praise women being oppressed. I’m sure she’d find women getting beaten or killed for being raped or being considered worth less than men not so romantic. Nothing says “I love you”
like a good old fashioned flogging! Here’s a suggestion: Next time, eat the brain sandwich. It wouldn’t hurt to try.

At the  2009 QVC FFANY Shoes On Sale event in New York City, making stupid faces as usual

Jessica Simpson’s beloved Maltipoo Daisy has become the latest victim of internet-savvy canids. It’s just a matter of time before they take over the planet Skynet-style . She tweeted yesterday:

“My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes. HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!”

Leave it to Jessica Simpson to take to the internet to make an appeal to a coyote. Well, I guess if they can read ACME manuals and make rocket-powered roller skates to chase down roadrunners, it stands to reason they probably know how to use computers, too. Remember, if you saw it on TV, it’s obviously true! That’s why I keep an anvil under my hat at all times and never look down when I walk off a cliff.

With Daisy in happier times:

Last week, Jessica Simpson came across the grammatical enigma that has eluded black people and wiggers for decades when she tweeted

Is “asks” even a word? If not, sorry 4 my layziness with grammar.

Yes, Jessica, “asks” is a word. So are “dumbass” and “why don’t you go kill yourself already, you stupid fucking twat.”* Might want to write these down.

_{* “Layziness,” however, is not.}

Staggering out of Katsuya with Ashlee Saturday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Although it was rumored that Tony Romo dumped Jessica Simpson because he found texts from ex-boyfriend John Mayer on her phone, it looks like country music star Kenny Chesney may have actually driven them a part. According to Star Magazine

Jessica was openly flirting with Kenny earlier this month during a summer getaway — and [that] shameless flirtfest that proved to be the last straw for Tony Romo.

“She was giving him all her attention, and they seemed very intimate,” an eyewitness [says of] Jessica and Kenny’s cabana chat. “They were sitting so close, their heads were together.”

Tony “looked real jealous that she was talking to Kenny,” says a source. He angrily confronted his girlfriend… [and then] stormed off the beach.

For the last ten years, Kenny Chesney has been under the misguided impression you won’t figure out he’s bald as a fucking badger as long as he doesn’t take his hat off. He just found the only person dumb enough to actually believe it.

Jessica looking like a crazy homeless woman last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News