Jesus Luz got his precious mer-man face doused with Brazilian beer while working the turntables in Rio Sunday night. According to Page Six

Madonna’s boy toy was deejaying at a party when a guest came up and threw beer in his face, saying, “Get out of here, I don’t wanna see your face here anymore!” Luz [then] “went to a corner and started to cry.”

He only finished the gig when four bodyguards were assigned to flank him.

This is boring and faggy and nobody cares, but I had to post it for the title alone. A gem like that doesn’t just fall into your lap like that, you know. All those years of Catholic school must have been leading up to this one shining moment in my life. Passing it up would almost be like spitting in the face of God.

The light has left Madonna’s life! Jesus Luz has ditched Madonna’s leathery clutch in search of greener, less dried-out pastures. Reports Digital Spy,

Luz allegedly ended his relationship with the 51-year-old singer because of their age difference and busy schedules.

“It not only was totally amicable, but it was Luz who initiated the split,” a source told the Chicago Sun-Times.

According to the report, the 23-year-old Brazilian realised that their lack of mutual interests did not suit a long-term relationship.

Madonna and Luz met at a photoshoot for W magazine in December 2008. They began dating shorty after her divorce from director Guy Ritchie was finalised.

The couple were recently reported to be trying for a baby.

There’s a point in a young man’s life where he realizes that banging a famous old chick is only good for so long before the specter of becoming the next Joe Gillis to Madonna’s Norma Desmond becomes too freaking real. New clothes and every material possession you want is all good and fine until you offend her and she shoots you in the back. Speaking of which, you better watch your back, Jesus! No one ever leaves a staaarrr!

There’s something different about Madonna’s face in this pic on the left from last year’s W Magazine photo shoot. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but if I could, I bet it’d come back smelling like mustache wax and estrogen cream. Bitch looks like an old catcher’s mitt that somebody left out in the rain for six weeks.

See boyfriend Jesus’ wiener here.

Hello, my pretties.  It’s Sarah.  I had a Benadryl smoothie with a shot of Hendricks for breakfast this morning, so today should be a cavalcade of crazy.  Are you excited?  I’m excited!  I might actually just be dizzy and hallucinatory, but to be honest, I haven’t much been able to tell the difference for years.  It’s hard work being this awesome, y’all.

Oh hey look, it’s Lourdes.  She’s all trussed up in the outfit made famous in her mum’s performance of “Like a Virgin” at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards.  Isn’t that sweet?  Except for the part about how LOURDES IS 12.  Like, twelve (12!) years old.  Twelve, motherfuckers.  Also, for those of you who’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or were zygotes in 1984, the song “Like a Virgin” is a little ditty about a slut machine getting banged by a dude so big it was painful.  What kind of retard thinks it’s a good idea to tart up a 12-year-old in the “Like a Virgin” costume?  Apparently, Madonna is precisely that kind of retard.  I wonder if she made Lourdes wear the “Boy Toy” belt, too?  Oh, who are we kidding here?  I bet Madonna makes Lourdes wear that belt every damn day of her life.

Anyway, this photo was taken on the set of Madonna’s new “Celebration” video.  You know, the one where she makes out with Jesus and Lourdes has a seizure in a crowd?  Yeah.  Who’d have thought that hot mess was the best of the options they had to work with?

The “Celebration” video keeps getting yanked because I guess some people are fussy about copyrights and such, but hopefully this one will stay put long enough for each of you yokels to have the opportunity to torture yourselves:

51-year old Madonna paws at her crotch and thrusts her way through her new video “Celebration,” which also boasts the “talents” of boyfriend Jesus Luz and her preteen daughter Lourdes. The Daily Mail says

Luz, posing as a topless DJ, ends up kissing the mother-of-four before the scene cuts to a troupe of breakdancers – including Madonna’s 12-year-old daughter Lourdes.

If you can’t bear watching the video (I only could because somebody’s paying me to), there’s a “spoken word portion” in which Madge whispers to Luz

Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? You look familiar… You wanna dance? Yeah?
I guess I just don’t recognize you with your clothes on. What are you waiting for?

Yeah, what are you waiting for, Jesus? Her Geritol to kick in? High five!

Duffman, thrusting:

No, this isn’t a Dan Brown gospel revisionist story of incest, we’re talking about the Madge reportedly preparing to tie the red string knot with her model boy toy, Jesus Luz. NineMSN reports,

Never mind their ultra-Catholic monikers – Madonna and toyboy lover Jesus Luz are reportedly planning on sealing the deal Kabbalah style!

The Mirror report the pair are planning a Kabbalah commitment ceremony in New York, with Jesus ditching his Catholic faith in favour of his sugar mama’s religion of choice.

He’s been snapped going to Kabbalah classes since the start of the year, and has been a massive support to Madge lately – she’s said to be shattered after her failed bid to adopt three-year-old Malawi tot Mercy James.

The pair were rumoured to have split during Madge’s adoption attempt, but apparently they were just chilling out on the relationship side of things while Madonna concentrated on trying to adopt the little girl.

“They are totally besotted with each other and he’s really helped Madonna through this tough time,” a source told The Mirror of Jesus and Madonna’s lurve.

“It wasn’t that the relationship went off the boil, it was more a matter of Madonna wanting to concentrate on her adoption bid of Mercy and they wanted to keep a low profile while that became the main focus.”

“Madonna was devastated when the adoption was rejected the first time but now she wants to lavish some attention on Jesus and she’s keen to make sure they have a solid relationship for all the children’s sakes.”

Madonna’s kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and David, three, are apparently fond of their mum’s new friend.

“Lourdes teases him by calling him The Babysitter, because he is so young,” said the source. “She likes him, but loves to wind him up.”

Oh yes, it’s going to be all rosy until Lourdes grows up into a beautiful young woman and then Jesus will start canoodling with her, and then Madonna will shapeshift into a harpy, rip poor Lourdes to shreds, pluck out Jesus’ eyes and inhale his gonads. The End.

Jesus and Madonna in her stupid Marc Jacobs Met Costume Gala getup. Looks like she’s trying to hold her head on or something.

Madonna’s affairs with 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz and whoremonger Alex Rodriguez may have squelched any chances of her adopting another child from Malawi. According to the NY Daily News

A senior official from Malawi’s Ministry of Women and Child Welfare Development… said morality plays a big part in the adoption process [in Malawi].

He said, “Madonna’s relationships may negatively affect the adoption of [ 3-year-old Mercy James]. The news she is linked to another woman’s husband and a young man less than half her age makes us question her morals.”

Well, I’m glad something finally tipped them off that Madonna wasn’t exactly a saint. You’d think the book of Sex pictures and the Penthouse spread might have sent up a few red flags before, but remember, this is Africa we’re talking about. I’m pretty sure the printed word is still a myth over there, much like “democracy” and “condoms.”

With Gwyneth Paltrow at the afterparty for the premiere of ‘Valentino: The Last Emperor’ last week:

Perhaps 50-year old poon loses its luster after a couple of pokes, because Madonna’s new boyfriend Jesus Luz was caught working a lingerie model over in Rio. The Sun says

Brazilian Jesus, 22, was seen tenderly clasping lingerie model Luciana Costa as they swayed to the music in his home city. Jesus held 31-year-old Luciana close and, [according to an eyewitness, "They] danced together very close lots of times. He whispered things in her ear, grabbed her hand, put his hand around her waist. He’d had a little to drink and it seemed clear he was after something.” Early the next day the pair were snapped as they ventured out for a Sunday stroll.

Madonna, 50, was nowhere in sight when Jesus arrived at the bash on Saturday night.

Ooh, everybody knows you don’t cross someone like Madonna. Not unless you want her to summon a winter that lasts for a thousand years, that is. You’d have better chances bare-knuckling a grizzly high on PCP.

At the Valentino movie premiere after-party in NY:

We’ve heard that Madonna is jealous of her daughter’s youth and beauty, we’ve heard she’s as cuddly as a piece of gristle in bed, and that eye contact must never be broken with her so she can be sure to sear your very soul. So what’s left? Why, kidnapping, of course! From Nine MSN comes this shocking news:

The family of 22-year-old Jesus Luz believe his new girlfriend Madonna, 50, has kidnapped him and is holding him captive.

The Brazilian model hasn’t been in contact with his family for months, even though he lived with them before he met Madonna.

Jesus’s mother got a cryptic text message from her son in December, telling her he wouldn’t be home for the holidays and wishing the family a Happy Christmas.

He spent the Christmas period with Madonna in the Maldives, where her public relations staff confiscated his phone, according to the Brazilian media.

The New York Post reports: “The hunk’s mortified mom, Cristiane Regina da Silva — who is 14 years younger than Madonna — believes the pop diva has kidnapped her son, snatching him away to a New York love nest and controlling his every move.”

You know the very same thing happened to me. I had a figure of Jesus out in a creche in the front yard, and some unholy bastard stole my Jesus! I kept on getting letters with photos of him in perilous situations, threatening him if I didn’t give up a ransom. I said, Screw that, and went down to the 99¢ Only store and got a new one.

Madonna looking every bit the suspicious thief, leaving the Kabbalah center with Lourdes: