Madonna left Marcelleria steakhouse in Manhattan’s meatpacking district yesterday with 22-year old Brazilian model Jesus Luz in tow. Could it be that Madonna has finally found true love? What is it that Tall, Dark and Handsome sees in The Lizard King? The Daily Mail says

Since being linked to Madonna, Jesus’ modeling career has been given a huge boost. His former agent [said] that Jesus stopped taking his calls after meeting Madonna and has now signed to the more high profile Ford Models.

Madonna’s finally found the ultimate way to piss of the Catholic church — having sex with Jesus for money. I guess my “defecating in the Pope hat” suggestion just didn’t pack enough of a wallop.

Bless you, my child:

In what can only be described as a direct assault on the good name of Jesus, Heidi Montag has proclaimed to have a Christian album in the works. You know, because her earlier releases were such big hits. And the whole business about the Lauren Conrad sex tape? Just her cross to bear. She told USA Today

“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

Yep, when I think “Jesus,” I don’t see a sinewy guy with a crown of thorns being crucified on Calvary. Not at all. I see bleach blond hair and plastic tits and a frowny face on a MySpace page next to the words, “Why does Lauren have to drink the Haterade? Im praying 4 U Lauren!!!!!” I figure I ought to toss out my Bible for a subscription to Us Weekly and replace my crucifix with navel jewelry. Hosana in the highest? More like “Heidi-sana in the heidi-est!” Amen.

At LAX sans face paint June 11th: