Back in the day, Jewel bucked the show-yer-tits rule to get ahead in her career. Sad for her, lucky for you, she’s abandoned her sense of integrity. Enjoy yourselves, you opportunistic bastards!

The 42nd Annual Country Music Awards were last night, and I’m guessing you — like me — don’t really give a shit. But People Magazine thinks you do! They say:

Kenny Chesney earned the prestigious Entertainer of the Year award for the third year in a row on Wednesday. Four-time nominee Brad Paisley didn’t just host and perform at the ceremony – he was one of the night’s major winners, including Male Vocalist and Music Video of the year for “Waitin’ on a Woman.” The singer’s co-host, Carrie Underwood, was named Female Vocalist of the Year for the third year in a row.

I’ve tried to like country music — I really have — but I just can’t seem to do it. Frankly, the only way I could have found this show any more boring is if it also included a symposium on “The Effects of Agricultural Diversification on the Economic Structure of Uzbekistan” as performed by the cast of High School Musical 3.

Taylor Swift looking fantastic in Kaufman Franco:

Reese Witherspoon in Marchesa:

Carrie Underwood in Roberto Cavalli:

Nicole Kidman and faggy husband Keith Urban:

Shania Twain (hot) vs Faith Hill (NOT):

Jewel in Roberto Cavalli and Miranda Lambert:

The newly Asian Diana Degarmo:

Kellie Pickler in Zuhair Murad and Lee Ann Womack: