Joaquin Phoenix gave another stunning rap performance in the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami last night, and by “stunning” I mean “Joaquin was forcibly dragged away by security guards after charging a heckler in the audience.” You know — stunning! According to the Daily Mail

The Walk the Line actor [jumped] off stage to confront an audience member during a short performance [in Miami Wednesday] night. Security guards dragged him back on stage and escorted him away after he came face-to-face with a male in the crowd who was heckling him.

It was not immediately clear whether the two men exchanged any blows.

I sure as hell hope nobody paid to see that performance, because you could hang around the alley behind my apartment for free and get an equally palatable performance from the schizophrenic hobo that lives behind the dumpster. Instead of rapping, he’ll probably just flail his arms like a windmill and try to urinate on you, but I figure getting pissed on by a crazy vagrant is just as good as seeing Joaquin perform live when you really stop and think about it.

FF to the 28 second mark for the good stuff.

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Photo

The 81st Annual Academy Awards were last night, and as expected, “Slumdog Millionaire” cleaned house. Not literally, of course. It wasn’t a movie about Mexicans. Maybe what I should have said was “cleaned the Slurpee machine.” God knows I don’t want to come off sounding like some kind of racist. People Magazine says

Slumdog Millionaire racked up eight Academy Awards, including those for Best Picture and for its Director, Danny Boyle.

But it was not the underdog, The Wrestler star Mickey Rourke, who was named Best Actor. That Oscar category was won by Sean Penn, for Milk.

Kate Winslet was named Best Actress for her role… in The Reader. She confided to the audience in her acceptance speech that she first pretended to win an Oscar when she was 8 and looking in the bathroom mirror, holding a shampoo bottle. Only, Sunday night on the stage, she was holding a world-famous golden statuette. “Well,” she said, “it’s not a shampoo bottle now.”

The late Heath Ledger was named Best Supporting Actor for what presenter Kevin Kline called his “menacing, mercurial, droll and diabolical” role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. Penélope Cruz took the Best Supporting Actress in Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona.

[While nominated for 13 awards], The Curious Case of Benjamin Button [only]… ended up with three Oscars, for Art Direction, Makeup and Visual Effects.

I could keep going with this, or I could just read aloud the 1992’s census report while smearing Vick’s Vapo-Rub into your eyes. You’ll get the same feeling either way.

The night’s best-dressed below; for the complete list of winners click here.

Anne Hathaway:

Amy Adams:

Marion Cotillard:

Penelope Cruz:

Natalie Portman:

Brad and Angelina:

Honorable mentions Alicia Keys, Taj Henson, Diane Lane, Marissa Tomei and Robin Wright-Penn (just for the back):

“Retired” actor Joaquin Phoenix’s little foray into rap music is really just his pitiful attempt at an Andy Kaufman-style hoax. According to Entertainment Weekly

Says one source who recently worked with Phoenix: “He said, ‘It’s a put-on. I’m going to pretend to have a meltdown and change careers, and Casey is going to film it.’”

With this supposed career reboot he is evidently trying to both lampoon pompous actors and punk the media that covers them. “It’s an art project for him,” says a source. “He’s going full out. He probably has told his reps that he’s quit acting. Joaquin is very smart. This is very conscious. He has a huge degree of control.”

Yep, when I think “Joaquin Phoenix,” the first word that comes to mind is definitely “control.” No, wait… make that “cornhole.” My mistake.

Joaquin Phoenix made his debut performance as a rapper in Vegas this weekend. It was, of course, the awe-inspiring performance you were expecting. The NY Daily News says

Phoenix, 34, walked right off the stage, falling flat on his rear following his unusual three song set. And brother-in-law Casey Affleck, [who is married to Phoenix's sister Summer] was there to capture it all. Affleck is filming a documentary to capture the actor’s transition to music.

“Transition” my ass. Try “side-stagger and face plant.” It’s like someone crossed Vanilla Ice with Bruce Vilanch and then repeatedly kicked it in the head before handing it a microphone.

BONUS: Footage of Phoenix wiping the fuck out (FF to the 36 mark) after the jump:

Walk the line, then bring your finger to your nose, put your hands behind your back:

(more…)

A disheveled Joaquin Phoenix showed up to the premiere of his supposedly-last movie “Two Lovers” with the Yodarian© message “Bye! Good” written on his knuckles. I’m sure we can expect to see “NeedsPumping MyStomach” and “ForFood WillWork” on his fists in the upcoming months. Anyway, his apparent alcohol-induced dyslexia did little to assuage rumors that he’s fallen off the old sobriety wagon. Page Six says

The two-time Oscar nominee showed up to a tribute to Paul Newman last week and “was out of it.” Other actors were performing scenes and readings, but Phoenix just got up and walked out. “He wobbled back in a bit later, but it was odd,” said our source. “He was slurring his words and was unsteady on his feet.” Friends of Joaquin are worried about the star, who has had a very public battle with drink and drugs.

Is Joaquin back on the booze? Jesus Christ. That’s like finding a huge penis is your ass and “wondering” if you’re gay. Of course you’re gay! You’re so gay you have two different versions of Dance Dance Revolution and a subscription to “Cat Fancy” and “Interpretive Dance Quarterly.” If you were any gayer there’d be a sailor in tap shoes using you as a hand puppet while you read this. I think you all can see where I’m going here. Joaquin Phoenix is clearly a gay. Like they say in the movies, case closed!

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Hey, remember Joaquin Phoenix?  He’s that guy who was in Gladiator.  The surly one.  No, not that one.  The other one.  He’s kinda scruffy, and he’s always scowling, and sounds completely pompous in all interviews, and hasn’t been interesting in ages.  No, not Russell Crowe!  The OTHER one!

Well, anyway, he’s retiring.  Or at least that’s what he told E! Online:

Phoenix, who turns 34 today, recently finished shooting the romantic drama Two Lovers with Gwyneth Paltrow, Vinessa Shaw and Isabella Rossellini. When the director said, “That’s a wrap!”…Phoenix apparently took it literally.

“I want to take this opportunity to give you an exclusive…I’ve been through that. I’ve done it.

“No, I’m not kidding,” he added, presumably not kidding.

At Phoenix’s side Monday night was Casey Affleck, who told E! News that his To Die For costar is really serious about hanging up his acting shoes. Honest.

Yeah, I know you don’t care.  I don’t care either.  No one cares.  I’ve never even heard of this Two Lovers movie, and the fact that it co-stars Gwyneth Paltrow does nothing to spur my interest, as she is a jackhole about whom I can only be bothered to care in the context of Iron Man.  I’m not sure who Joaquin thinks he’s kidding with this announcement of his impending retirement from film.  The last time he made a genuinely interesting movie was Quills, and that was eight damn years ago.  What he calls “retirement”, the rest of us refer to as “irrelevance”.

Besides, I remember Joaquin Phoenix from when his name was Leaf, and he was in movies like Space Camp and Parenthood.  Then he disappeared for a few years, and when he came back he had a different name, and I was all, “Isn’t that the guy who was in that movie where his best friend was a robot, and then that other one where he skulked around with a big bag of porn?”  And nobody knew what the hell I was talking about.  I don’t really remember where I was going with this, but you know who else has pretend best friends and skulks around with porn and disappears and then comes back with a new name?  Socially maladjusted sex offenders, that’s who.