The D.A. will not be filing charges against Joe Francis for his attack on Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole in an L.A. nightclub last August. I repeat, will NOT be filing charges. I’m guessing that like me, the D.A. spends most of his free time huffing glue and paint thinner. TMZ says

The D.A. [states] that Jayde “appears to have acted without immediate provocation” [and] thought “the interests of justice do not support the filing of criminal charges against any of the three suspects.”

And how is Joe Francis is taking the news that he gets off scott-free? By suing Jayde for battery, assault, negligence, slander, libel, false light and a partridge in a pear tree, naturally!

According to the lawsuit, Francis claims he was innocently walking through a crowd of people at “Guys and Dolls” nightclub in Hollywood, when Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole suddenly struck him in the head, threw a drink on him and stated, “I’m going to kill you!”

Francis claims he saw Jayde reaching for a bottle, [and] “in fear and apprehension of being struck a third time and that Nicole was going to carry out her threat to kill him,” Joe grabbed Nicole’s hair in “self-defense.”

Joe claims Nicole fell to the ground because she “lost her balance on her high heels.”

I’ve never personally had a yeast infection, but if I did, I imagine the discharge would look and smell a lot like Joe Francis. That guy is a cuntwipe of the highest order. I’m surprised he doesn’t leave a sticky white trail and burning feminine itch wherever he goes.

See Jayde naked here and here.

Remember when Joe Francis was accused of attacking Playboy Playmate Jayde Nicole at Guys and Dolls back in August? Her lawsuit claimed that Francis assaulted her by “pulling on her hair from behind and violently throwing her to the ground like a rag-doll,” leaving her with a “black-eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, bruised arms and legs, and ripped-out hair.” To which Joe Francis responded

“Jayde Nicole is an absolute and total liar. Her prior statements about the incident are not only slanderous and defamatory, but actionable.

The only thing that Jayde Nicole is famous for is having a tattoo of the word ‘respect’ above her vagina… for which we all know she has none of.”

Yeah, not so much. The security footage from that night clearly shows Francis walking up to Jayde from behind, grabbing a fistful of her hair, then yanking her to the ground and sweeping the floor with her. Exactly like she said. Jesus, Joe Francis is such a faggot. Only vindictive drag queens and women in beer commercials fight like that. I’m surprised his maxipad didn’t fall out in the melee.

NSFW Playboy pics:

Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis “punched and kicked” Playboy’s 2008 Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole in an assault at an L.A. nightclub last night. TMZ says

According to [Jayde's boyfriend Brody] Jenner, he and Jayde were at the club celebrating his birthday, when Jayde saw Francis hitting on an ex-girlfriend of his (Francis’), Jenner says “unrelentingly.” Jayde felt he was harassing the woman — whom Jayde and Brody know — and she threw a drink on Francis.

Jenner says Francis then pulled Jayde’s hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her. Security broke it up and Francis got dragged away — Brody followed.

Jenner then saw Joe, punched him in the face, and then someone tased him and he fell to the ground. Francis left the scene.

Jayde [says] she will press charges against Francis. Jayde has a black and blue cheek, her face is swollen, she has a bruised left rib and her lower abdomen is sore. Some of her hair also got pulled out.

Wow. Just… wow. Give me a moment to collect my thoughts here. I might need to pace around with my fingers interlocked behind my head. I mean, are we talking about Joe Francis here? The same Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild? Because that Joe Francis is always such a class act. Really, he’s never shown any indication that he has anything other than the utmost respect and admiration for women. This is all just coming straight out of left field.

Old NSFW Playboy pics:

Mark Ebner’s new book “The Six Degrees of Paris Hilton” is really the story of one Darnell Riley, who you might better remember as “that dude who took ‘Girls Gone Wild’ asswipe Joe Francis hostage at gunpoint and made him stick dildos up his ass while he took pictures.” A true hero in every sense of the word. According to The Sun

Darnell claims he bought 14 hours of video of Hilton [in a state of arousal in a New York taxi] from two Russian kids who had stolen it when they broke into her home. As well as the racy footage, he says there are also excerpts from Paris’ grandmother’s funeral.

Darnell claims: “She is sitting in the church shooting video of herself. She is paying no attention to the eulogy.”

Well, if that doesn’t sound like Paris fucking Hilton, I don’t know what does. Maybe that queef noise you get when you blow up and burst open a old dry cleaning bag.

At Sundance:

Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s overpriced hooker Ashely Dupré filed a law suit against Joe Francis and Girls Gone Wild yesterday seeking $10 million in damages for misuse of her name and image for profit. Apparently “misuse of tits and lesbian shower scenes” holds no legal bearing in court. Joe Francis issued the following statement to Us Weekly:

“It is incomprehensible that Ms. Dupré could claim she did not give her consent to be filmed by Girls Gone Wild, when in fact we have videotape of her giving consent, while showing her identification. She’s seeking $10 Million for topless photos taken in front of a room full of people, including two newspapers and multiple crews we had in the room. These images were taken in public places and contain no sexual contact.”

That’s why Kurt Vonnegut once said “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” Also “Quit being such a goddamn slutty whore.” That last one was my mom, but I think it still applies.

Joe Francis wants you to know that he’s not just a philandering, dateraping cad. He’s a philandering, dateraping cad with a soul. And to prove it, he’s launched a brand new website to prove to everyone what an awesome guy he really is. From meetjoefrancis.com:

Friends,

I’m excited to have this opportunity to introduce myself to you personally. Over the years, I’ve gotten used to being misunderstood. From as early as the first grade, when a teacher’s aide took offense at my efforts to get her attention by putting a tack on her chair, to more recently, when a certain Southern judge took a relentless interest in putting me behind bars, it seems that I have been in a constant struggle just to be understood as a regular guy trying to get by in life.

Man, it’s just like the “system” is out to get this guy! What kind of shitty, negligent teacher takes “offense” at a kid trying to do her bodily harm? No child left behind, my ass. And what’s up with that judge? All he did was have sex with some girls that may or may not have been of a legal age of consent. There are like murderers out there, Judge Meanie. Why don’t you take more of an interest in people who are out killing people, huh? Exactly.

People have said a lot of colorful things about me, not all of which are true, and certainly not all of which are flattering. One thing I do know for sure, for example, is that I’m not a criminal. It’s been my habit to either ignore personal attacks or laugh them off. But there is just too much misinformation out there about me, and I think it’s time to set the record straight.

Joe’s not a criminal! And how dare anyone say otherwise! Just because the man is in jail — how do you know he did all that raping and child pornography, anyway? Unless there is say — videotaped evidence of such — I would strongly encourage you to think before you say such hurtful things, sirs.

It might be a stretch to say that I’m just your average Joe, but as you explore this site, I think you’ll come to find that my desires, dreams and disappointments aren’t terribly different from your own. I suppose the particulars of my life might seem remarkable, even unbelievable to some people. But that’s the reason for this website. Because if it hadn’t happened to me, I never would have believed it myself.

My dreams in life are are to retire early, live comfortably and visit Europe. Joe Francis dreams of someday getting out of jail, and jumping into a pool filled with naked 16 year old girls. Are we really so different, my friends? I think not.