Who better to open an amusement park called “Happyland” than Joe Jackson? Because you know, it’s not like he helped to royally fuck up his own family’s happiness and mental well-being. Tickets, anyone? Says Digital Spy,

Michael Jackson’s father Joe has reportedly invested in Vietnam’s ‘Happyland’ resort and amusement park.

According to VietnamNet, Jackson attended ceremonies to mark the beginning of construction on the $2 billion (£1.24bn) theme park, which is based in the country’s Long An province.

Plans reveal that the the entertainment complex will be centrally located in close proximity to Vietnam’s largest town Ho Chi Minh City, which is already host to the Suoi Tien Amusement Park.

Joe suggested that he became involved in the development of ‘Happyland’ because he enjoys exploring communities around the globe.

“I like discovering different cultures in the world,” he said. “There are many favourable conditions for investing in Vietnam. I like this project the most because it is located in a beautiful cultural and natural space.”

‘Happyland’ is to include a 1,000 room hotel, simulated cities and several restaurants.

The park is being constructed to accommodate as many as 14 million guests annually and is expected to open in 2014.

I’m assuming that inside of “Happyland” there will be nail salons (Happy Nails!) and “massage parlors” and rides powered by little orphans pedaling away on stationary bikes, and making souvenirs in in-house sweatshops. And let’s not forget the game booths, where if you can shoot a live dog, you get it barbecued right there for you! Because nothing says “family fun” than a communist third world country with rampant abuse of basic human rights. That’s really catchy. I hope I can get it on a T-shirt.

The former gay lover of Michael Jackson’s dermatologist and sperm donor Arnold Klein claims that Jackson could never have children of his own because his father literally beat him sterile as a child. According to London’s The Sun

Paul Gohranson alleged: “I asked Arnold why couldn’t Michael Jackson use his own sperm and he said Michael was unable to produce kids, physically.

Once, when [Michael] was very young, Joe picked him up by one leg and started hitting him. Michael said that he didn’t mean to hit him in [the groin] – but he did and it hurt bad.

The second time [Michael] had put out a solo album and it didn’t do very well and they rowed that Michael was losing his voice, losing his looks and was gonna shame the Jackson family.

Apparently Michael started to cry and [Joe] said something like: ‘You’re a sissy and if you’re a sissy then you don’t need balls’ and proceeded to hit him [in the groin]. That was when the damage was done.”

Gohranson claimed that his lover told him Jacko’s testicle was “never the same again.”

If you’re a parent, you know just how effective cliched threats like “I’ll give you something to cry about” or “I will turn this goddamn car around” are. What you need is something with a little more bite. Something that really strikes fear into their grubby little hearts. And that’s where “Boy, I will beat your black ass sterile” comes into play. I swear, Joe Jackson should really write a book or something.