In case you weren’t totally convinced that the Jonas Brothers are the faggiest thing since spandex bicycle shorts and appletinis, enjoy this footage of Joe Jonas sobbing on stage during a performance of “Gotta Find You” in Detroit on Sunday night. In his defense, I’d probably cry, too, once I realized I was just Hanson with bigger eyebrows and less animal magnetism.
A little more than a month after Miley Cyrus’ infamous slant-eyed photo made the rounds on the internet, a photo of middle Jonas Brother Joe Jonas doing his version of the slant-eye found its way online yesterday. Disney must be thrilled. The Huffington Post says
Joe Jonas appears to be the gentleman in a photo pulling down his eyelids with his pinky fingers. Jonas, who like the guy in the photo wears a purity ring, is an older brother of Miley’s ex boyfriend Nick Jonas.
No word when the photo was taken or where it came from before surfacing on Gossip Teen.
Unfortunately, there’s also no word as to why he’s dressed like the inside of a black guy’s living room, either. African-Americans agree, he’s sorely lacking in the gilded mirror and decorative bottles of liquor department.
If you’re into pubescent boys with bird chests and masses of eyebrow hair, today is your lucky day — it’s thirteen seconds of Joe Jonas of The Jonas Brothers shirtless from their new craptacular 3D movie. You can go back to third period Algebra or prowling the mall parking garage in an unmarked van now.
In “Gayest Thing You’ll See All Day” news, The Jonas Brothers unveiled their retina-scarring wax figures at Madame Tussaud’s in Times Square today. No doubt they can’t wait until everyone leaves so they can stare wistfully at their replica selves and fondle each other in inappropriate shame.
You know what, I’m not really sure your psyches are quite sufficiently damaged. Let’s go in for some terrifying close-ups, shall we?
Hey guys, it’s Sarah today. So, The Jonas Brothers are dumb and annoying and I can’t even be bothered to really tell them apart, but you know the gay one? With the stupid hair? Who’s always yapping about something lame? No, not that one. The other one. No, the other other one. No, the middle one. I think its name is Jon or Jeff or something. Whatever. Anyway, it has apparently taken to its MySpace page to blather about its breakup with Taylor Swift and its new relationship with Camilla Belle and the developing story of The Most Boring Feud in the History of Ever. From People:
In a heartfelt letter to fans, Joe Jonas addresses his recent breakup with Taylor Swift, saying that certain “issues” led to a “change of heart.”
Although he doesn’t mention Swift by name, the teen idol makes clear in his MySpace post he’s referring to the country star, who has been speaking and singing about the split.
“Several things I will state with all my heart,” writes Jonas, 19, who’s now quietly dating actress Camilla Belle. “I never cheated on a girlfriend. It might make someone feel better to assume or imply I have been unfaithful but it is simply not true. Maybe there were reasons for a breakup. Maybe the heart moved on. Perhaps feelings changed. I am truly saddened that anything would potentially cause you to think less of me.”
Uhh… listen, the only way I could think less of Middle Jonas is if… actually no, there is just no way I could think less of him. Seriously, shut UP, kid. You sing in a lame tiny tot band with your two stupid brothers and you’re most famous for wearing purity rings and dressing like assclowns. Your “relationships” with girls can’t possibly warrant this much drama, so until you finally come out and start dating someone appropriate for you, like Christian Siriano, please go away. And take Old Jonas and Little Jonas with you.
After dumping country singer Taylor Swift via telephone last month, 19-year old Joe Jonas is now dating 10,000 BC actress Camilla Belle. And no, Camilla is not a guy. Surprise, surprise! People Magazine says
“They met on the set of his [Love Bug] music video. All the guys always had thought she was really pretty and that’s why they asked her to be in it. It was only after doing the video that they began to date.”
I tried to think of a gayer way for a couple to meet, like maybe on a tandem bike ride through a botanical garden or onstage at the Ice Capades, but nothing seemed quite gay enough. So I’m going to have to go out on a limb here and say that the only thing gayer than meeting your girlfriend on the set of “Love Bug” would have to involve a reach-around and full anal penetration.
Camilla Belle at the Hollywood Awards Gala in Beverly Hills last month:
With her sophomore album “Fearless” just a week away from release, rumors that country singer Taylor Swift is pregnant are now mysteriously burning up the internet. But let’s stop and think about this here. In order to get pregnant “a,” you have to first have sex “b,” agreed? Okay. And to have sex, you need someone with balls and a penis, “c.” Now, until one month ago, Taylor Swift was dating Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers, “d,” in which case Jonas Brothers “d” plus balls and penis “c” plus sex “b” should equal pregnant “a.” But it doesn’t.
Why not?
Because the Jonas Brothers “d” is what is known as the additive inverse of balls and penis “c,” defined under the binary operation of addition where given x, there exists x’ such that x + x’ (= x’ + x) = o, which really is just the mathematical way of saying “no way the Jonas Brothers have anything other than big ol’ meaty vaginas.” And sorry, but you just can’t argue with math! That’s why I legally changed my name to “5! {√x}.” Let’s see you try and sentence me now, Judge Smartypants! Five Factorial Domain of the Square Root of X cannot be stopped!
At Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium for the CMT Giants last Thursday:
