Joe Jonas was booed and pelted in the face with balls during his performance at the House of Vans in Williamsburg Wednesday night. Granted, you can’t go to the hipster capital of Brooklyn and not expect to get booed unless you’re a obscure minimalist techno band or the ghost of Kurt Vonnegut Past, but it’s still funny. NY Daily News says:

The booing and jeering began as soon as the Disney TV star took to the stage to perform five songs from his new album and engage in a bit of awkward dancing.

Audience members were targeting Jonas with green Nerf-style mini-basketballs that Corona beer, one of the night’s sponsors, had handed out to partygoers.

At one point in the performance, two dudes [pegged] Jonas in the face with their balls. They also nailed one of his backup singers, who wore a cobalt-colored blazer and a cheese-tastic cockatoo-like coif.

“Getting pegged by in the face by two dudes’ balls while his backup singer got nailed” sounds like everything Joe Jonas would have ever wanted out of life a week ago. But I have a feeling it played out a whole lot differently in his head.

After getting it on with Kings Of Leon bassist Jared Followill last week, Twilight actress Ashley Greene has set her sights on the new Captain America, Chris Evans. It must take more than one man to wash away the stank of Joe Jonas’ vagina. The Daily Mail says:

The actress enjoyed her new-found single status as she flirted and danced with the 29-year-old star Chris Evans all night.

‘Ashley was all over him, and he certainly didn’t mind,’ a source [said].

‘They were dancing together very closely. It looked like they had a lot of sexual chemistry. Ashley is newly single. She’s hot. Of course she’s going to be out having fun.’

Between the two of them, they’ve got the Fantastic Four franchise and Twilight series to their name, so being a couple would really cut down on the number of apology letters they need to write. Makes sense if you stop and think about it.

Ashley shopping with Joe Jonas her mom last week:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Faster than you can say “milk my prostate,” the whirlwind love affair between Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas has ended. Us Magazine says:

The Jonas Brothers singer, 21, has split from Twilight star Ashley Green, whom he began dating in summer 2010.

Reps for both stars [say]: “We can confirm they both have parted ways and have no further comment.”

Explains the first source of the sudden split: “Joe wasn’t that into it.”

Everything you need to know about Joe Jonas can be summed up in that last sentence. If that guy were any faggier, he’d be using cocktail umbrellas as nipple pasties while giving a disco ball the ol’ Princeton Rub. And I don’t even know what that means. That’s just how gay he is.

Beard-ier times:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that’s just because hell hasn’t met a teenage girl who’s just been dumped just yet. Believe me, they’re much worse. I know. I used to be one. And despite all the rumors of bulimia and cutting and drug use, the real reason Demi Lovato is in rehab is because she threatened to kick Joe Jonas’ new girlfriend’s ass in front of like 30 people in the airport. Did I mention this was after she had already kicked her backup dancer’s ass in front of like 30 people in the airport? Awk-waaard! People Magazine says:

“When tour management found out [that she had been partying the night before], they talked to Demi,” says the source. “Demi reacted badly and perceived that someone on tour had told on her.”

When Lovato and other tour members were on an airplane that same day, Lovato confronted the young dancer, whom she thought [was] to blame for telling on her. “There was a short, physical altercation,” says the source, adding that it was “one-sided.”

And of the whoopin’ she threatened to give Ashley Greene, E! Online says:

Demi also made verbal threats to Joe’s new squeeze, Ashley Greene, who was at the airport as well and witnessed her meltdown. A second eyewitness also corroborated the confrontation between Lovato and Greene.

According to a someone close to the Lovato family, the airport altercation was the “catalyst” to Lovato deciding to “take responsibility” for her actions.

To be fair, I rarely go to the airport without getting into some kind of altercation. Post 9/11, you can’t do anything in the Delta hub without somebody with an M-16 dragging you away by your zip-tie handcuffs and tazing you until you shit your pants. Also, there’s a bar every fifteen feet. If they didn’t want you to drink, they shouldn’t have put so many of them in one place.

Sweaty Ashley Green in spandex:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Joe Jonas continues to make headway with his “I’m Joe Jonas, and I’m Heterosexual” campaign, this time by being conspicuously photographed with Twilight actress Ashley Greene. The Daily Mail says:

The couple were spotted leaving Greene’s LA apartment yesterday morning, doing a spot of shopping at a nearby mall and grabbing a cup of coffee together.

Greene, 23, and Jonas, 20, were first linked last month after they dined together at The Ivy in London and also attended a Kings Of Leon gig together.

Despite their string of dates in recent weeks, friends of the stars claim they are ‘just friends.’

Well, one thing’s for sure — that whole “Joe Jonas purity ring thing” was absolute genius on the part of his PR people. It provides a legitimate excuse for accessorizing and for not touching her vagina, all in one fell swoop. Leave it to those fuckers at Disney to find a legal loophole around a good fag joke.

In news that barely even qualifies as news, former “Friends” star David Schwimmer got engaged to girlfriend Zoe Buckman over the weekend. Zzzzz Us Magazine zzzz…

The actor, 43, and his photographer girlfriend of three years, 24, reportedly met in London while Schwimmer was in town directing the 2007 comedy Run Fatboy Run.

It is the first marriage for Buckman and Schwimmer, who rose to fame as paleontologist Ross Gellar, the boyfriend of Jennifer Aniston’s character on the 90s NBC sitcom Friends.

If you haven’t already blown your brains out from sheer boredom, then keep reading: Disney’s “Sonny With a Chance” star Demi Lovato confirmed she is dating Joe Jonas in an interview with Access Hollywood on Friday. Squeal! Us Magazine says

Having long denied rumors of a romance with her Camp Rock costar, Lovato finally opened up, calling Jonas, 20, her “best friend.”

“So you guys went from boyfriend-girlfriend to best friends?” Billy Bush asked.

“No, kind of the opposite,” Lovato said.

“Oh? So you’re dating him now?” the host asked.

“Umm, yeah he is my best friend and he is incredible,” the singer/actress.

I am sure there are a bunch of thirty-something women weeping bitterly into their chocolate iced donuts this morning because Ross is marrying someone other than Rachel; and conversely, I’m sure there are a lot of middle-aged gay men weeping tears of joy, because there’s still a good chance they’ll get to bareback Joe Jonas now that he has his Disney-sanctioned beard. It’s kinda like “A Tale of Two Cities” — the best of times, the worst of times — but set modern time L.A. instead of late eighteenth century London and Paris. Also, no one gets beheaded. Sorry about that.

Joe and Demi on their way to church this weekend; Ross with his new fiancee at the “Madagascar 2″ premiere a year ago:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

This is exactly what I imagined the Jonas Brothers would look like if they attempted to play football. All that’s missing are the matching parasols and a pair of peep-toe pumps.

Actual tag from the picture — not making this up: The Jonas Brothers play a game of football in between scenes for “Chasing the Butterflies”:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

So… The Taylors broke up.  I guess that’s sad for them or something, but listen, this is really all about me and how displeased I am that we can’t have Taylor & Taylor Time anymore.  Because it’s creepy and hilarious when people with the same name date each other, and I am easily amused.  Whatever.  Anyway, from Us:

So much for the two Taylors finding love.

After three months of dating, country singer Taylor Swift and New Moon star Taylor Lautner have split, UsMagazine.com has learned.

“It wasn’t really developing into anything, and wasn’t going to, so they decided they were better as friends,” a source close to Swift, 20, tells Us. “There was no chemistry.”

The pair — who met on the set of the romantic comedy Valentine’s Day — first sparked rumors of a romance when she hugged him at her October 9 concert in Rosemont, Illinois. They have since been spotted on several wholesome dates — like their frozen yogurt date at Menchie’s alongside Swift’s mom earlier this month — and have each coyly alluded to their relationship on separate Saturday Night Live hosting gigs.

However, the relationship officially fizzled when Lautner, 17, flew to Nashville for Swift’s birthday party on Dec. 13, a friend of the singer reveals.

“He liked her more than she liked him,” the source tells Us. “He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn’t travel much to see him.”

Lucky for Lautner, the split won’t inspire angry songs like those written about ex Joe Jonas — who dumped Swift during a 27-second phone call in 2008.

“They plan to stay friends,” the source says.

In fact, Swift — whose friend says she is a “hopeless romantic” who “wants everything she writes about” in her songs — will likely reunite with the Twilight hunk when they begin promoting Valentine’s Day, out Feb. 12.

What?  I’m sorry, I fell asleep.  Jesus, these two are boring.  No wonder Taylor & Taylor Time got canceled.  I like Taylor Swift though, so if we can just find another Taylor for her to date then we can still have Taylor & Taylor Time.  It’ll be just like when they switched Darrins on “Bewitched”.

Oh hey look, one of The Jonas Brothers got married.  Not The Middle One (aka The Gay One) and not The Little One; it was The Old One.  I know that even squeeing tween Jonas Brothers fans don’t care about The Old One, but apparently People Magazine doesn’t know that, because his wedding photo is on their cover like it’s important or something.  But oh mah gawd, y’all, you HAVE to see the article they wrote about it, because this wedding was pretty much the fruitiest thing since Sunny Delight:

Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa’s wedding earlier this month was like a fairy tale – complete with a castle, an enchanted forest and glass slippers in the bride’s shoe size, a gift from the groom.

“I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle,” Jonas told PEOPLE of the nuptials.

“I always wanted my wedding to have that princess feel,” adds the new Mrs. Jonas. “I couldn’t have imagined this,” she says of her lavish wedding Dec. 19 at Oheka Castle in Huntington, New York.

Despite a blizzard blanketing the roads around the castle, the wedding went forward without a hitch, and the bride, escorted by her father Thomas “Bucky” Deleasa, walked down the aisle to “Bella Notte,” from Lady and the Tramp, played on the guitar by a friend of the Jonas family. “I’m an Italian girl. It just fit me and my dad,” said Danielle of the song choice.

She wore GLASS SLIPPERS, you guys.  And her dad’s name is Bucky and she walked down the aisle to a song from goddamn Lady and the Tramp.  That’s like a clinical level of retardation.  Which I suppose means this marriage is serendipitous, since Old Jonas looks clinically retarded.

In case you weren’t totally convinced that the Jonas Brothers are the faggiest thing since spandex bicycle shorts and appletinis, enjoy this footage of Joe Jonas sobbing on stage during a performance of “Gotta Find You” in Detroit on Sunday night. In his defense, I’d probably cry, too, once I realized I was just Hanson with bigger eyebrows and less animal magnetism.

Big girls don’t cry:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

A little more than a month after Miley Cyrus’ infamous slant-eyed photo made the rounds on the internet, a photo of middle Jonas Brother Joe Jonas doing his version of the slant-eye found its way online yesterday. Disney must be thrilled. The Huffington Post says

Joe Jonas appears to be the gentleman in a photo pulling down his eyelids with his pinky fingers. Jonas, who like the guy in the photo wears a purity ring, is an older brother of Miley’s ex boyfriend Nick Jonas.

No word when the photo was taken or where it came from before surfacing on Gossip Teen.

Unfortunately, there’s also no word as to why he’s dressed like the inside of a black guy’s living room, either. African-Americans agree, he’s sorely lacking in the gilded mirror and decorative bottles of liquor department.

If you’re into pubescent boys with bird chests and masses of eyebrow hair, today is your lucky day — it’s thirteen seconds of Joe Jonas of The Jonas Brothers shirtless from their new craptacular 3D movie. You can go back to third period Algebra or prowling the mall parking garage in an unmarked van now.