Here’s Jessica Simpson at the “Operation Smile” gala in New York, sporting her “Bob Mackie 1988 Collector Barbie” dress. When asked what he thought of her dress, pervy pop Joe Simpson made this face and said she should release her bosom, because they looked like “two pigs fightin’ under a blanket”.
Jessica Simpson’s extra 20 pounds aren’t the result emotional eating and abject desperation — turns out it was all Daddy’s idea. According to MSNBC
Let’s remember how well weight gain-and-loss stories sell magazines.
“She’s loving it,” said a source close to Simpson, who [says] her weight gain is strategic. “It will probably get her back on covers right when she is a ‘supporting’ act on tour. I bet Joe (Simpson) has already sold the weight-loss story.”
Boy, talk about getting your money’s worth out of a girl! Maybe next Joe Simpson can wring her out like an old dish cloth, hang her buy her ankles and give her a good shaking and see if any loose change falls out. I’d mention rummaging through her orifices, but I figure he already took care of that when she hit puberty. Ooh, Daddy likey!
Despite both Us Weekly and OK! Magazine claiming that Ashlee Simpson is knocked up, her fiance and supposed father of the child begs to differ. Pete Wentz told MTV News
“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”
“Coincidentally,” Ashlee’s new album drops in a week, on the same day her shirt line for Wet Seal debuts. The very same album that threatened to be overshadowed by Mariah Carey’s until daddy leaked “E=MC2″ onto the internet. Coincidentally. Now every major tabloid is running with Ashlee’s supposed pregnancy — the baby’s due in October, Jess is happy, no Jess is jealous, the wedding’s taking place in May before she starts showing — and nearly every article (this post included, I know) mentions her album’s release date. Coincidentally! Daddy’s certainly done his homework. It’s a fact that only way to get more free press than circulating a pregnancy rumor is a good old-fashioned sex tape, but $29.95 is a steep price to pay to watch Pete Wentz scribbling poetry all over Ashlee’s body with an eyeliner pencil and then cutting himself after avoiding penetration. I think Joe Simpson definitely ran the right way with this one.
Two promos from her Wet Seal line, and a couple of Jessica over the weekend:
Ashlee Simpson’s new album “Bittersweet World” is already looking like a gigantic flop, and it hasn’t even hit the store shelves yet. First, its release was mysteriously pushed back half a year, and second, it’s chock-full of songs sung by Ashlee Simpson. Now there’s even more bad news — Mariah Carey will be releasing her new album just two days before Ashlee’s drops, which translates to lots of Simpson dollars lost in the wake of the S.S. Mariah. What’s a girl to do except find a way to make Mariah’s album available illegally online weeks before its release? MSNBC reports
Tracks from [Mariah's new album] “E=MC2″ have leaked onto the Internet since [her first single "Touch My Body"] was released last week. One record industry source thinks the culprit could be someone from the Simpson camp hoping to dilute the impact of Carey’s release.
“Joe Simpson has every right to be nervous about Ashlee going up against Mariah. They are backed into a corner with this release date since they already changed it once. Their only option in fighting the Mariah machine would be to create a way to make the album’s release less newsworthy.”
Joe Simpson, evil mastermind? You’re telling me the guy mesmerized by his own daughter’s jugs and Members Only jackets is going to somehow finesse the piracy of one of the most anticipated albums of the year? I don’t think so. Now showing up dressed like a pirate and making jokes about Jessica’s boobs in a Blackbeardy voice I could totally believe.
Ashlee and Pete Wimpz at OK!’s “Viva La Karaoke” in New York March 31st:
Another one of Joe Simpson’s Stellar IdeasTM has come back to bite Jessica Simpson in the ass — this time, in the form of a workout video. According to Page Six
In 2005, during a lull in her career, Simpson starred in a workout tape produced by Speedfit, a fitness video company. Although she signed a multimillion-dollar contract, she later changed her mind and prevented the video from being released by not giving final approval. Speedfit owner Alex Astilean sued Simpson last year for $10 million – and since she’s refused to settle, Astilean’s now suing her manager dad, Joe, as well.
I don’t see what the big deal is. Jessica Simpson bending and squatting in spandex is probably the best idea Joe Simpson ever had. Bonus: we don’t have to watch her “act” or see that impacted-feces face she makes when she sings. We just get to watch her breasts jiggle as she struggles to count backwards from ten. “Seven, six, seven — no, I mean six, seven, eight… dammit, this is hard! Which was is left? I have a hard booger in my nose! I thought you said ‘anal seafood!’ And eight, nine, ten!” That Jane Fonda’s got nothin’ on Jessica Simpson.
Jessica leaving the Waverly Inn in New York January 30th:
Star quarterback Tony Romo has finally comes to his senses and wants out of his relationship with Jessica Simpson and her creepy dad. OK! magazine says
On Jan. 17, Tony called Jessica at her L.A. home to try to break things off. “He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of the singer tells OK!. “‘Tony has finally started to realize how high-maintenance Jessica is. We’re talking diva status. She comes with an entourage, and that includes her dad, Joe Simpson.”
But according to the pal, Jessica refused to give up. “‘Just friends’ is not in Jessica’s vocabulary. She knows how bad this will look in the media.”
Nothing warms a man’s a heart like desperation. In fact, when it comes to relationships, ladies, your ticket to lifelong happiness with a man centers almost exclusively around the ability to cling with a leech-like tenacity. Of course, if that isn’t working, you could always try anal. It has an almost 74% retention rate, even higher when coupled with a willingness to participate in threesomes and home videos. Signing over your paychecks and the title to your car works great, too. Then you can pull out the big guns and get yourself knocked up and start planning your wedding. It’s as good as an engagement ring, and he doesn’t even have to borrow your credit card to buy it!
Jessica in West Hollywood last week:
Once again, Jessica Simpson’s father is responsible for her latest boyfriend. And by “boyfriend,” I of course meant “guy who uses her boobs for target practice until her crippling self-esteem issues shrivel up his penis like a big jar of hot brine.” Page Six reports
Jessica Simpson has her daddy, Joe, to thank for her new love, quarterback Tony Romo. A pal said, “Joe is a huge Dallas Cowboy fan, and Tony has always had a crush on her. Tony… called Joe and said, ‘I know she’s not dating anyone right now, can I take her out for a drink at least?’ They’ve been dating for a couple of weeks now, and Jessica is so happy.” The lovebirds are so into each other that Romo joined the Simpsons for Thanksgiving.
Pretty much anything having to do with Jessica’s vagina is courtesy her pervert father. Ten bucks says he called Page Six with this story himself, then finished it with a “check out her awesome tits!” while holding his hands out a foot from his chest and making honking sounds. I’m glad he took a little time off from taking dirty pictures of her to pass her ass along to some whoremonger formerly linked to like seven other Hollywood sluts (including Britney Spears). That’s like finding a used condom underneath a passed-out hobo and offering to stuff it inside your eldest daughter just in time for her new country album to drop. The only difference is the passed-out hobo happens to make $67.5 million dollars and be on TV a lot. It’s practically a country song in the making!
Jess at Birds Bar last week:
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