John Mayer wants you to know he didn’t kiss a guy at a gay bar in Palm Springs.  US Magazine explains,

The singer, 31, took to his Twitter page to clarify tumors.

“Rumor check: went to gay bar in Palm Springs, yes. Had a blast. Danced my face off,” he began. “Someone there planted a kiss on me? No.”

Mayer — who once locked lips with celeb blogger Perez Hilton - then added, “I don’t like the story painting gays as unable to control themselves. Found the crowd even more respectful than in a straight club. You know who the most flamboyant crowd is? Straight, drunk girls. They’re like a bunch of little Charles Nelson Reillys.”

He is a goddamned LIAR. How do I know? He said he danced his face off, but from what I can tell, his fugly mug is still intact. Zing!

Jessica Simpson’s ill-advised “Barbie and Ken” themed birthday party never came to fruition this past weekend because boyfriend Tony Romo found texts on her phone from ex John Mayer. According to Radar Online

“[Tony and Jessica] were hanging out and he picked up her phone and she got defensive about it,” the source revealed. “Tony found messages from John and went ballistic.”

While the couple has had their fair share of rocky patches during their relationship, the idea of Simpson possibly cheating with Mayer was the straw that broke the camel’s back: “Tony dumped her right then. He walked out and that was it.”

Although she gets dumped more often than Jennifer Aniston, brave little Jess hasn’t given up on love just yet. She tweeted

“Barbie party didn’t happen, but I turned 29 and feel like I am on top of the world yelling, ‘I love getting older! Everyone needs to know that hope floats … grab the strings and pull it back to you.”

And if that doesn’t work, put it in a chokehold and smother it with Rocky Road ice cream. You can’t spell “desperate” without “ate,” you know!

Back when she was still hot:

Everybody knows John Mayer is a useless douchebag with an unquenchable thirst for attention, but the stupidity of this is just mind boggling.  Mayer and some random idiot “reality star” friend of his named Rob Dyrdek got wasted and then Twittered their way up their own asses.  From People:

A night of hard partying landed John Mayer in the deejay booth and pal Rob Dyrdek in the hospital … or did it?

The two began the night at Hollywood hot spot My House, where they were seen sharing Corzo tequila shots straight out of the bottle before Mayer launched into an impromptu show.

But the night ended with the two stumbling out of the club and, according to Mayer’s Twitter, to a hospital: “In triage at Cedars with @Robdyrdek. When the contents of his stomach hit that silicon bag and we all saw it, we just broke into applause.”

This would’ve been a way better story if John Mayer had died of alcohol poisoning or somehow been eaten alive by bullet ants, but I guess nobody likes getting their stomach pumped so this would probably be sad or whatever for the friend.  That is, if a single word of it were true:

“It was fake, they were just having fun and screwing around for publicity,” a source tells PEOPLE. The skateboarder/reality star was up and running the next day, Tweeting: “A funny night out with @johncmayer.”

I literally don’t know who the hell you are, Rob Dyrdek, but I hate you already.  Clearly there are things wrong with you since you’re even friends with John Mayer in the first place, but c’mon, a pretend alcohol related hospital visit?  For attention?  The fuck are you guys, a pair of 14-year-old secret cutter girls in a goddamn Lifetime movie?

If you’re wondering what went wrong between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer (and I know you are), you finally have your answer: Twitter. John, it seems, chose to constantly update his Twitter account instead of returning Jen’s incessant phone calls from Europe, where she was promoting her film “Marley & Me.” According to the Daily Mail

The 40-year-old actress… was unimpressed he found time to write random ramblings on the site, but not to contact her.

A pal claimed: ‘John suddenly stopped calling her or returning her e-mails and when she would finally catch up with him, he’d say, “I’ve been so busy with work. I’m sorry I haven’t had time to call you back.”

Jen was fuming. There he was, telling her he didn’t have time for her and yet his page was filled with Twitter updates. Every few hours, sometimes minutes, he’d update with some stupid line. And in her mind, she was like, “He has time for all this Twittering but he can’t send me a text, an email, make a call?”

Oh, if I know our Jenny, she’ll be bouncing back in no time. Wait, did I just say “bouncing back?” Because I meant “deciding whether to watch ‘Mr. and Mrs. Smith’ or listen to ‘Your Body is a Wonderland’ when she finally kicks the chair out from underneath herself.” My bust!

Clutching the script for “The Baster” the day after the break up:

Unable to squeeze out enough sperm out of John Mayer’s testes to force life into her arid womb, Jennifer Aniston has once again called their relationship off. Newsday gives us the “facts”, as it were. My conjecture is more interesting, I think.

“They had some disagreements and decided to not continue to see each other,” a source told People magazine, which reported an end to the high-profile relationship - for the second time - on its Web site yesterday.

Another source told the magazine that Mayer cooled off the romance after Aniston returned from Europe, where she’d been promoting “Marley & Me.”

I hope this is the end. All this breaking up, and going back, and breaking up, reminds me unfortunately of my dog pooping, eating the poop, then pooping again. It may look tasty, but it’s still dog shit.

I seriously have no idea why Jennifer Aniston is even still famous.  She makes boring movies and gives boring interviews and dates boring people.  The most interesting thing about her is her psychotic obsession with her ex-husband and his Rainbow Coalition, which was never that entertaining in the first place.

Well anyway, it’s a really slow news day so far, and she went to dinner last night with stupid, boring John Mayer in New York, so here are some stupid, boring pictures of her staring obsessively at him like she wants to eat his soul and wear his skin like a suit.  John Mayer is a complete douchebag and also apparently retarded, because if he had an ounce of sense he would run like the wind to get away from this codependent mess of a woman.

With his balls firmly tucked into her kung-fu grip, Jennifer Aniston brought boyfriend John Mayer to a meeting with her dad and her stepmom. Star Magazine has the scoop:

The meeting took place on Wednesday at Beverly Hills Hotel’s posh Polo Lounge, where John broke bread with 75-year-old Days of our Lives star John Aniston and his second wife, Jen’s stepmom Sherry Rooney, plus another older couple. So how did the ever-cool singer do on the dad test? Despite being so nervous that he compared it to “auditioning for Dancing with the Stars,” he seemed to be a hit.

“Jen’s dad seemed very impressed with John and the two got on real well,” an onlooker tells Star.

Dressed in a tank dress and heels, Jen sat next to John — who donned a collared shirt and sweater for the event — in the corner booth. Even though the two sat directly across the table from her dad, “they couldn’t keep their hands off each other,” an eyewitness tells Star. “Jen was constantly rubbing his hair and John was rubbing her back, then every so often they would steal a kiss. They both looked very happy and very much in love.”

Adds another onlooker: “John and Jen held hands under the table. She would put her arm around him and he would reach up and grasp her hands. But John was fidgeting and texting under the table looking a bit nervous.”

Yup. There you have it. Nothing says “I love you” like a nerve pinch to the neck and eye daggers across the table to get a man to commit. My guess is that John was trying to text for help. I’m surprised Jen didn’t drop her cover to reveal herself as a Rodian bounty hunter on the prowl for some booty. Koona t’chuta, Mayer?

After a slew of secret fertility treatments, Jennifer Aniston is supposedly gearing up to give birth to twins sometime next year. Just like a certain-someone-who-must-not-be-named! According to Star Magazine

[Jen's] doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She and John are doing a lot of yoga together, and Jen makes sure to do specific poses to help her get pregnant. She’s taking a lot of folic acid and has upped her intake of milk and beef — all of which are supposed to increase your chances of having twins. She’s even eating cassava root, because women in Africa who consume it have the highest rate of conceived twins.

Because there’s no better reason to have children than out of spite directed at an ex’s new lover. If you’re not already having them to, say, salvage your failing marriage or for the tax credit and WIC checks. Like they say in Africa, “one baby in the hand is worth a three-goat-and-two-chicken dowry in the bush!” Also “revenge is a dish best served on a big pile of afterbirth” and “HIV is a myth.” Now you know why nobody ever goes to Africa.

Filming “30 Rock” last month:

The internet’s been buzzing all week that Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s bastard child. I don’t believe it, because I don’t think her womb could gestate anything other than desperation and failure, but Australia’s New Weekly says

The cat’s now out of the bag for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer — the actress is pregnant with his child!

The pair made their first outings as a reunited couple last week, enjoying a romantic weekend in New York and a concert in Boston. But while friends are scratching their heads about what made Jen take the playboy musician back, the smile the actress has been wearing says it all — she’s pregnant and loving it!

Pregnant and loving it! Just like a McGriddle, but with morning sickness and gas. Ten bucks says she pulled a Maude Lebowski and tucked her knees under her chin and rocked back and forth after every bout of coitus in the hopes of increasing the chances of conception. I guarantee you the only thing “accidental” about this pregnancy is that Jen couldn’t time it to coincide with the birth of Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt.

Look not-pregnant at BFF Courtney Cox’s house on Saturday:

Despite a very public breakup last month, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were spotted sucking face in an L.A. airport yesterday. Female First says

The pair reportedly arrived at the airport together on a private plane and were seen in a series of steamy clinches. A source said: “They were very lovey-dovey. They kissed several times and hugged each other tightly. John gave her a long, lingering kiss.”

It was recently reported Jennifer, 39, was desperate to rekindle her relationship with John, 30. The actress was said to be phoning the ‘Gravity’ singer every day in a bid to show him what he was missing.

Calling every fifteen minutes, tailing him to work, sleeping in the hedges outside his bedroom window with thirty feet of twine and a bottle of chloroform — the “dance of seduction” always pays off in time! Even if some loveless soul with a badge and a gun tries to tell you it’s technically a “violation of your restraining order” and “another thirty days in jail, minimum.” You can keep trying, Los Angeles County Circuit Court, but you just can’t legislate true love!

In honor of Brad and Angie’s W spread, Jen’s W spread from 2002:

John Mayer gave his version of why he and Jennifer Aniston are no longer together in a rambling, incoherent diatribe to the paparazzi on Saturday. He blathered to OK! Magazine

“There’s no lying, there’s no cheating. People have different chemistry, they have different lives. It’s not about years, it’s about going out with somebody, being truthful on the way in, being truthful in the middle and being truthful on the way out. You’re either a cheater or you break up and I’m not the first, I’m the second. And that’s it. There’s no lying, there’s no [bullshit].

I ended a relationship because there was no lying. I ended a relationship to be alone because I don’t want to waste somebody’s time if something’s not right. I don’t waste people’s time. I don’t do the taper. It’s about time that somebody stands up for that girl and I think she’s great.

Jen’s response? There isn’t one. In conflict management they call that “the high road.” In Abby management they call it “monster pussdom.” A close friend of Jen’s told MSNBC

“[She'll] never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. [His] childish behavior only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child.

He has [this strange] relationship with certain paparazzi (and) bloggers. He tips them off. He loves the attention. Jen didn’t want to believe it was happening, but it was, and she has no tolerance for that. We’re talking about a guy who had a car waiting to take him home in New York, but he chose to walk so he could talk to the press (along the way).

[Plus], Jen was tired of paying for everything. Cobwebs come flying out of (Mayer’s) wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. … Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.”

Jennifer Aniston might be an useless wad of insecurity and neediness, but at least she’s not John fucking Mayer. That guy definitely takes the douche cake. And then probably douches with it for double douche-ocity. It’s hard to believe someone could actually suck that much with out being part Flowbee.

Single and loving it August 14th:

After being “on a break” for more than three weeks, Jennifer Aniston has finally been dumped by boyfriend John Mayer. A source told The Mirror

“There’s been a bit of tension for some time. They initially opted for a break, hoping a trial split might make them stronger. John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Jen [wanted] to set a timetable for their future together [and] wanted him to assure her he would cut down his tours in the future when they did eventually have children.

Initially, Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she’s simply sad - not to mention a little heartbroken.

Well, if it’s any consolation, John seems to be a little heartbroken himself. Rush and Molloy say

John Mayer [has] been crying his eyes out over his apparent split with Jennifer Aniston. His makeup artist had to use PerriconeMD’s Advanced Eye Area Therapy because the rocker’s eyes were puffy.

There was no official word as to whether they used Always with Wings^TM or Tampax Pearl^TM to wipe away his tears, but either way, you can bet it was super faggy and smelled like panty liners.

Jennifer living the single life at Foxtail in Hollywood August 7th: