After fourteen years and two children together, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are reportedly calling it quits. People Magazine says:

Multiple sources [claim] that the relationship is all but officially finished.

Depp, 48, and Paradis, 39, who are parents to Lily-Rose, 12, and Jack, 9, have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year.

In fact, some in their circle say the couple of nearly 14 years have already split. Says one insider: “It’s so sad.”

Man, that IS sad. But you know what isn’t sad? Behind-the-scenes pictures from the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. But then you know what’s sad again? The pictures are slightly out-of-focus because some faggot at GQ thought he was being “artsy.” I don’t know how much more of this emotional roller coaster I can stand.

Lily Aldridge, Candice Swanepoel, Alessandra Ambrosio, Doutzen Kroes and Isabel Goulart in the February issue of GQ:

Why is all the rum gone? Apparently, because Johnny Depp drank it. Johnny was caught on video doing a drunken side-stagger straight into a sidewalk after his handler lost hold of him while leaving 25 Degrees in Hollywood. All he’s missing is his trusty attorney Dr. Gonzo screaming shit about bats.

Some idiotic twats did some survey about the sexiest bespectacled celebrity, and in some alternate universe some skinny little Asian girl beat out Johnny Depp. Says Digital Spy,

Fashion guru Gok Wan has been awarded the title of ‘Sexiest Celebrity in Glasses’, beating out Hollywood star Johnny Depp, who came second in the poll.

The College of Optometrists carried out the poll, placing comedian Alan Carr – who once described himself as a “specsy beast” – in third place.

Of the 2,000 eligible British celebrities, actor David Tennant ranked fourth, while Radio 2 presenter Chris Evans rounded out the top five.

The only woman in the top ten was the eighth-placed Anne Robinson, known for looking over her glasses when criticising contestants’ knowledge on The Weakest Link.

Harry Hill, Phillip Schofield, Jude Law and Paul O’Grady also rated highly for their glasses-chic looks.

Apparently they asked a bunch of masculine gays who they thought was sexier, because although I’m not a huge Johnny Depp fan in the looks department, that’s the only logical reason that pansy would beat him out. Congratulations, gaytards.

Johnny at the premiere of The Tourist:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are heading from Venice to Paris, where Jolie is scheduled to shoot scenes for The Tourist with Johnny Depp.  These photos were taken this morning, and the netterwebs are collectively pissing their pants because those twins are in them.

I don’t like babies.  They have ginormous heads and they’re totally codependent and they’re really loud and they usually smell and they’re always sticky and they can never seem to close their mouths all the way so they look really stupid all the time and the least disgusting thing they’re ever covered with is a paste made of drool and diaper cream, but for some asinine reason most people are completely in love with babies.  So here you go, here are some pictures of the littlest wrigglers in the Jolie-Pitt Rainbow Coalition.

I think they’re kinda fug.  And they probably smell.

If you’ve ever wondered what Carrot Top would look like in Kabuki makeup, all your dreams just came true. Pervert.

First pictures of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts, and Anne Hathaway as the White Queen in Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland:

Actor Johnny Depp saved the lives of six extras on the set of his new film “Public Enemies” last week. According to Nine MSN

When shooting a scene for the flick, he spotted an out-of-control car charging toward a group of extras after skidding on a patch of ice. The extras had their backs to the car and would have been goners were it not for our hero – Johnny leapt towards the six actors and saved the day! A witness [said,] “Johnny slammed into the group with arms outspread, shoving them all back.”

Johnny is notorious for going out of his way for fans and sick children, and now he’s a bonafide lifesaver. All that’s missing is the white horse and crown and the part where he rescues me from my wicked stephusband and mounting credit card debt and we live sexily ever after. The end!