Jon Gosselin pocketed a nice chunk of change from “Entertainment Tonight” when he brought their cameras with him to twin daughters Mady and Cara’s birthday party yesterday afternoon. This would be the same guy who fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC last week on the grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” TMZ says

Jon struck a deal with a TV show to allow it to film his kids’ birthday party — [even though] Jon doesn’t want his kids filmed on “Kate Plus 8.” Kate’s lawyer, Mark Momjian, tells TMZ, “I’ve never seen a greater hallmark for hypocrisy personified.”

Jesus Christ. At this point, even a fucking ground squirrel would make a better dad than Jon Gosselin. And they’ve been known to eat their own young from time to time. Ten bucks says a ground squirrel would have at least spelled his daughter’s name right on the damn birthday cake.

In full douche attire while arriving to the party:

Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News

Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”

“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”

As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”

Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.

Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:

Kate Gosselin has gone on the offensive after her soon-to-be ex-husband Jon secretly withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account, violating their arbitrator’s rule and leaving Kate with only $1,000 to her name just one week after he shut down production of their only source of income, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” She told the Today Show this morning:

“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable. I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position. I have a stack of bills in my purse I can’t put in the mail.”

Kate says Jon, 32, has emptied their joint account – the one she uses to pay the bills and she says “contains all of our liquid money” – of all but $1,000 of the $231,000 that was in there, beginning on Aug. 10 and ending on Sept. 29.”

Under the rules of an arbitrator, neither spouse could take money from the account, but Kate, as the primary bill payer, could use it to pay bills provided she gave proof of her expenses.

With $230,000, you could upholster your entire bachelor pad with Ed Hardy prints and fill your whole swimming pool with 750,000 gallons of Axe deodorant body spray. That’s more than enough fabric for a rudimentary noose and plenty of douchewater in which to drown yourself. It’d be a real shame if he let all that perfectly good money go to waste.

Wasting some of his ill-gotten gains at the Ivy this weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

Jon Gosselin fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC this morning demanding that any and all television production of “Kate Plus Eight” be halted, telling Entertainment Tonight that he suddenly realized his family “was like a trainwreck,” so he decided to “put the brakes on the divorce and on the show,” because if he didn’t, “the family would be in a mortal accident.” Hang on while I go get a shovel. His attorney writes in the letter:

A new program known as ‘Kate Plus 8′ would certainly require the acquiescence and consent not only of Kate Gosselin but Jon Gosselin, who is the father of the eight Gosselin children, which consent Jon has not given and if necessary, Jon is prepared to seek Court intervention to make sure his children’s best interests are protected.

Jon Gosselin unequivocally believes that his children’s continued participation in [TLC's] television production is ‘detrimental’ to his children. Accordingly, Jon expects that your client will cease and desist from any and all further production which includes his eight children.

Effective immediately no production crews are to enter Jon Gosselin’s family home for any reason. In the event that anyone enters the marital property, Jon Gosselin will notify the local authority to effectuate Police action against any trespassers.”

Coincidentally, Jon’s newfound interest in his marriage and his children’s well-being comes just two days after it was announced that he was fired from the show. I believe that’s what you call “cutting off your nose to spite your face.” On the plus side, he won’t have to worry about smelling all the bullshit that comes pouring out of his mouth that way.

After months of dismal ratings and rumors of cancellation, TLC has confirmed that “Jon and Kate Plus Eight” will now officially become “Kate Plus 8.” I guess “Cunty McBeaverson Rules the Roost” really didn’t resonate with test audiences. TLC said in an official statement (via the New York Post):

“Given the recent changes in the family dynamics, it only makes sense for us to refresh and recalibrate the program to keep pace with the family. The family has evolved and we are attempting to evolve with it; we feel that Kate’s journey really resonates with our viewers. [As for Jon], he will continue to appear on the show, but on a less regular basis.”

Wow, can you say “snoozefest 2009?” Because I can’t. On account of the my soft palate and hard palate not fusing together when I was born. It mostly just comes out as a lot of hissing and spit.

Scarlett Johansson’s Mango ads because they’re sexy and Kate’s not:

From the producers of (NSFW) “Coctomom,” I give you the porno parody of TLC’s hit show “Jon and Kate Plus 8″: “Jon and Kate Fuck Eight.” You’re welcome. According to AVN Business

“In our movie they go to marriage counseling and come out with the suggestion that maybe they should go out there and bang other people, so they do and then it turns out that after they sow their wild oats that they are meant to be together,” he said. “It’ll probably be true to life.

Riley Evans stars at Kate and Frankie Young plays Jon in the feature, which also includes Amy Starz, Evie Delatosso, Kristy West, Ashton Pierce, Ralph Long, Jenner and Alex Gonz.

The DVD will hit the streets on Sept. 14.

Coming out with a good porno title is harder than it looks. I tried to think of a few on my own, like “Jon and Kate Titilate” or “Jon and Kate Ejaculate,” but they really didn’t do it for me. So I dug even deeper and came up with “Jon and Kate Conjugate” (think a prison backdrop with sexy guards and group shower scenes) and “Jon and Kate Urinate.” That one’s really tailored for a more specific audience, but you have to admit it’s still catchy. Now I just copyright them and wait for the Adult Video Networks to come callin’ and my dreams of thousandaire-dom can finally come true!

More of Jon getting the “fuck eight” part down at his pool party last weekend: