Realizing the power of their marketability was lessened by their divorce, Jon and Kate Gosselin are reportedly considering combining their forces of suck once again.  Famewhore Twins activate! Says Digital Spy,

The reality stars – who divorced in 2009 – are said to have realised that they are “right for each other” since their split and may get back together in the near future, reports PopEater.
“They both realize how much they miss each other,” a source told the site.

“Neither one of them have been really happy since their ugly split and would love to turn back time to the point where they were both in love before fame took over.”

The insider continued: “After the split the (sic) both of them were out of control. Kate thought she was going to be dating Brad Pitt, and Jon was sure he was going to be a superstar.

“Neither one of them found what they were looking for when they were single and have both come to the conclusion that maybe they are right for each other.”

Jon also recently accepted a construction job with a Pennsylvania green energy company which the source claimed was in order to impress Kate.

A friend of Jon was quoted as saying: “Jon is in a great place. He is happy and knows what a fool he made of himself after his split from Kate.”

I have a hard time believing that no one was interested in dating a woman whose uterus had undergone the magical stretching of carrying a litter, let alone one with a narcissistic abusive personality. She happened to think she was a great catch. And Jon? No one wanted to make him a superstar? If a Mongoloid face and a teeny pecker doesn’t say “Superstar” all over it, I don’t know what does.

Vacationing in New Zealand, and doesn’t she look happy to be there?

Further reiterating why God withered up Kate Gosselin’s ovaries twenty years ago, her eight little science-spawned children with Jon Gosselin have now taken to ruining Christmas for their classmates. Or maybe I should say their six science-spawned children have taken to ruining Christmas for their classmates, because two of them don’t actually go to school anymore. On account of their “anger issues,” you see. Radar Online says:

The Gosselin children have been accused of spoiling Christmas for fellow students [by]… “telling other kids at school that there is no Santa Claus,” a close friend of the family [said].

“[Jon] has received many phone calls from parents because the kids actually told [classmates as young as six] ‘your parents are lying to you,’ causing them to get upset,” the insider said.

Denying a report that two of her eight children were expelled from school, Kate this week admitted daughter Alexis and son Collin “were having anger issues.”

The Kate Plus 8 star revealed that she and the school “mutually agreed” to take the pair out of school, and they’re now studying with a private tutor.

Look, just because the faculty told you and your little brats to get the fuck out of their school doesn’t mean you “mutually agreed” on anything. You had no say in the process it whatsoever. That’s like telling people that you and Sir Isaac Newton “mutually agreed” that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it. Sorry, but the law of inertia doesn’t rely on your approval, and neither did that school board. You don’t control everything, you stupid bitch!

Kate MINUS eight in New York on Wednesday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jon Gosselin filed a petition in court on Friday asking for full custody of the eight children he shares with ex-wife Kate Gosselin. A little extra child support goes a long way with Ed Hardy t-shirts, you know. According to MSNBC

According [the petition], Kate is an absentee mom, and [Jon] is expected to use “DWTS” as evidence that she does not spend quality time with her kids.

Kate [said via her publicist]: “I am not willing to comment in public on the custody discussions regarding my children. What I will say is this: I am and always will be a mother first, but as a single working mom I will do everything necessary to provide for my kids despite the opinions of others.”

A source close to Kate points out that Jon’s timing seems suspect. “His girlfriend, who he was living with across the country — just kicked him out.”

He might be woman-less, homeless and spineless, but that doesn’t mean he’s through whoring out his children for money just yet:

Jon Gosselin is “definitely open” to co-starring with ex-wife Kate Gosselin on a new TV project “under the right circumstances.” Jon would do a show with Kate, but “the contract would have to be tighter.” [No further elaboration was given], but we’re guessing it has something to do with the way TLC cleaned Jon’s clock in court.

Boy, he’s really had a change of heart, hasn’t he? Six months ago, he fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC on grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” Fast forward to April, and he’s ready and willing to lay his kiddies on the altar of the New Babylon, just so long as he doesn’t get financially shafted by the contract. This tubby piece of shit makes King Herod look like Father of the Year. And King Herod killed three of his own sons. At least he had the decency not to film it for TLC.

Kate redefining “haggard” last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Now that Kate Gosselin has dropped ten pounds, eighty-sixed the reverse mullet and joined the cast of Dancing with the Stars, Jon Gosselin is very, very unhappy. But don’t you worry — he’ll find his way back into the spotlight, even if he has to pull down his pants to do it. According to MSNBC

Playgirl magazine will not be [offering Gosselin] anything near the $100,000 Levi Johnston got for posing.

“We discussed it, and we’d offer him only $20,000,” Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio told Life & Style.

His diminishing popularity has something to do with it. “His star is extinguishing, and honestly, it’d be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot,” Nardicio said.

I can’t believe Playgirl is balking at the chance to have Jon Gosselin pose nude. I’m sure there are a lot of gay men out there who would love to see a doughy, middle-aged Korean with bitch tits and stingray mouth artfully arrayed across the glossy pages of a magazine. The real trick here would be convincing the readers it’s not actually Margaret Cho. I can see how that might pose a problem.

Kate at a DWTS thing last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Hailey Glassman (Jon Gosselin’s original whore. You remember — the daughter of the plastic surgeon that did Kate’s c-section? The one who made love to a potted plant after an all-night bender? Yeah. That one.) pulled out her best Claire’s Boutique accessories and authentic pleather weight lifter’s gloves for this Steppin’ Out magazine photo shoot. From there, I can only assume she headed straight to the Maury Povich sound stage for a “My Wild Teen Dresses Too Sexy — Send Her to Boot Camp” intervention with Duane “D” West. Judge on this, haterz! Uh-uh! Y’ALL DON’T KNOW ME!

Here’s one that will make your asshole pucker: Jon Gosselin has a sex tape. Hope you just haven’t had breakfast! According to the National Enquirer:

“[Jon's bodyguard] told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he’s seen the tape!” said Stephanie Santoro, Jon’s former flame and family nanny.

“He said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!”

“People close to Jon” paid a girl to slap uglies with him while they videotaped it? That’s kinda shady, isn’t it? It sounds like TLC found themselves a little loophole in case Tubby got any bright ideas about a lawsuit. Nothing says “unfit parent” like footage of you snorting blow off a hooker’s ass. Especially if your kids are the ones holding the camera and you keep yelling, “Hold the goddamn camera still, dumbass! You’re gonna fuck up my video again!” at the camera. Experience has taught me that Domestic Relations Courts tend to frown on that sort of thing.

Chubs arriving in Hawaii last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Now that he’s all but castrated himself financially, former “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ star Jon Gosselin will be humiliating himself in a new reality show in which he’ll be dating Octomom Nadya Suleman. Sounds classy! The NY Daily News says

Producer Bobby Goldstein says he will produce the pilot, called “Jon – Kate = Jon Octomom,” with a former producer of “The Jerry Springer Show.”

According to a press release, cameras will follow Gosselin “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like. If they got married, they’d have 22 kids.”

Tthe 33-year-old single mom reveals that she will be so obsessed with the octodad, “she’s already talking openly about the two of them getting married.”

He added, “It will be like watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn’t look, but you can’t turn your head away.”

It’s more like looking into someone’s bedpan right before you empty it. You don’t want to look, but something inside of you compels you to, primarily because you’re a masochist with self-esteem issues and deep-down, you hate yourself and feel the need to suffer some kind of punishment. Yep, taking care of grandma those last few years really taught my a lot about myself.

Jon + cigarette; Nadya + boobs:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jon Gosselin pocketed a nice chunk of change from “Entertainment Tonight” when he brought their cameras with him to twin daughters Mady and Cara’s birthday party yesterday afternoon. This would be the same guy who fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC last week on the grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” TMZ says

Jon struck a deal with a TV show to allow it to film his kids’ birthday party — [even though] Jon doesn’t want his kids filmed on “Kate Plus 8.” Kate’s lawyer, Mark Momjian, tells TMZ, “I’ve never seen a greater hallmark for hypocrisy personified.”

Jesus Christ. At this point, even a fucking ground squirrel would make a better dad than Jon Gosselin. And they’ve been known to eat their own young from time to time. Ten bucks says a ground squirrel would have at least spelled his daughter’s name right on the damn birthday cake.

In full douche attire while arriving to the party:

Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News

Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”

“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”

As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”

Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.

Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:

Kate Gosselin has gone on the offensive after her soon-to-be ex-husband Jon secretly withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account, violating their arbitrator’s rule and leaving Kate with only $1,000 to her name just one week after he shut down production of their only source of income, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” She told the Today Show this morning:

“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable. I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position. I have a stack of bills in my purse I can’t put in the mail.”

Kate says Jon, 32, has emptied their joint account – the one she uses to pay the bills and she says “contains all of our liquid money” – of all but $1,000 of the $231,000 that was in there, beginning on Aug. 10 and ending on Sept. 29.”

Under the rules of an arbitrator, neither spouse could take money from the account, but Kate, as the primary bill payer, could use it to pay bills provided she gave proof of her expenses.

With $230,000, you could upholster your entire bachelor pad with Ed Hardy prints and fill your whole swimming pool with 750,000 gallons of Axe deodorant body spray. That’s more than enough fabric for a rudimentary noose and plenty of douchewater in which to drown yourself. It’d be a real shame if he let all that perfectly good money go to waste.

Wasting some of his ill-gotten gains at the Ivy this weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

Jon Gosselin fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC this morning demanding that any and all television production of “Kate Plus Eight” be halted, telling Entertainment Tonight that he suddenly realized his family “was like a trainwreck,” so he decided to “put the brakes on the divorce and on the show,” because if he didn’t, “the family would be in a mortal accident.” Hang on while I go get a shovel. His attorney writes in the letter:

A new program known as ‘Kate Plus 8′ would certainly require the acquiescence and consent not only of Kate Gosselin but Jon Gosselin, who is the father of the eight Gosselin children, which consent Jon has not given and if necessary, Jon is prepared to seek Court intervention to make sure his children’s best interests are protected.

Jon Gosselin unequivocally believes that his children’s continued participation in [TLC's] television production is ‘detrimental’ to his children. Accordingly, Jon expects that your client will cease and desist from any and all further production which includes his eight children.

Effective immediately no production crews are to enter Jon Gosselin’s family home for any reason. In the event that anyone enters the marital property, Jon Gosselin will notify the local authority to effectuate Police action against any trespassers.”

Coincidentally, Jon’s newfound interest in his marriage and his children’s well-being comes just two days after it was announced that he was fired from the show. I believe that’s what you call “cutting off your nose to spite your face.” On the plus side, he won’t have to worry about smelling all the bullshit that comes pouring out of his mouth that way.

“Jon and Kate Plus Eight’s” Jon Gosselin has reportedly threatened to kill himself on multiple occasions — at least according to the nanny he was plowing a month ago. Radar Online says

The father-of-8 is a pressure cooker waiting to boil over, says the mother of his babysitter and former lover, Stephanie Santoro.

In a shocking exclusive interview, Marci Santoro confirmed her daughter’s sexual relationship with Jon and said Gosselin threatened to kill himself.

“He said that everybody would be better off without him and that his children would be better off if he wasn’t around anymore,” Marci [said]. “He said to her, ‘I’m just going to kill myself, I’m just going to end it all.’”

No, your death wouldn’t end it all, you tubby little shit. You’d still have that shrew of an ex-wife and your eight little bastards running around daddy-less, and TLC would milk that shit for ratings like it was a fucking dairy cow. No, if you really want to “end it all,” you’ve got to take out your entire family first and then kill yourself. See UFC fighter Justin Levens for details.

Douching it up with his bodyguard in New York: