With her sophomore album “Fearless” just a week away from release, rumors that country singer Taylor Swift is pregnant are now mysteriously burning up the internet. But let’s stop and think about this here. In order to get pregnant “a,” you have to first have sex “b,” agreed? Okay. And to have sex, you need someone with balls and a penis, “c.” Now, until one month ago, Taylor Swift was dating Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers, “d,” in which case Jonas Brothers “d” plus balls and penis “c” plus sex “b” should equal pregnant “a.” But it doesn’t.

Why not?

Because the Jonas Brothers “d” is what is known as the additive inverse of balls and penis “c,” defined under the binary operation of addition where given x, there exists x’ such that x + x’ (= x’ + x) = o, which really is just the mathematical way of saying “no way the Jonas Brothers have anything other than big ol’ meaty vaginas.” And sorry, but you just can’t argue with math! That’s why I legally changed my name to “5! {√x}.” Let’s see you try and sentence me now, Judge Smartypants! Five Factorial Domain of the Square Root of X cannot be stopped!

At Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium for the CMT Giants last Thursday:

Demi Lovato is new Disney puke (along with BFF Selena Gomez) that’s being preened as a replacement for Miley Cyrus when the inevitable cocaine/sex tape surfaces. Demi is finally making it big, even opening for the Jonas Brothers Sunday night, her youthful exuberance evident as she skips and dashes and wipes the fuck out on the stage. Nine MSN says

It’s every pop star’s worst fear: falling over in the middle of a concert in front of thousands of screaming fans. The nightmare became a reality for Disney starlet Demi Lovato, who went head over heels (and not in a good way) while performing at a concert with the Jonas Brothers on Sunday night.

The 16-year-old singer rushes out on stage to greet a massive crowd and falls so hard she needs the help of two stagehands to help her up. Embarrassing!

Sorry, but that’s funny. The only way it could be any funnier is if she somehow wound up head first in a drum set being played by a Mexican in a bee costume who made that “whah whah whah” noise, shrugged his shoulders and said directly into the camera, “Ay yai yai, no me gusta!” And then the camera could zoom back and forth really fast on a busty woman in a rhinestone bra doing the shimmy. Ah, Univision. You never disappoint!

FF to the 26 mark