In case you weren’t totally convinced that the Jonas Brothers are the faggiest thing since spandex bicycle shorts and appletinis, enjoy this footage of Joe Jonas sobbing on stage during a performance of “Gotta Find You” in Detroit on Sunday night. In his defense, I’d probably cry, too, once I realized I was just Hanson with bigger eyebrows and less animal magnetism.

Big girls don’t cry:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is engaged! Yeah, I don’t give a rat’s ass, either. People Magazine says

Kevin Jonas, 21, surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa, 22, by showing up at her doorstep early Wednesday morning, dropping down to his knee [and presenting her] with a cushion-cut diamond ring that [he] designed.

Deleasa, a former hairdresser, first met Jonas two years ago [while vacationing with her family in the Bahamas]. It was Kevin who eagerly pursued her after… spotting her walking on the beach with a flower in her hair.

It might sound romantic from here, but the reality is he’s barely old enough to drink and still a goddamn virgin. The only way this marriage could be more destined for failure is if his incontinent grandmother moved in with them and Danielle developed an allergy to unibrows.

Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston are through with their pedophilic shenanigans.  I guess either his shelf life expired or she got too old for him.  Either that or she got bored with playing out her daddy issues for the international press.  From E! Online:

The 16-year-old starlet has ended her nine-month romance with the 20-year-old underwear model, sources close to the duo exclusively confirm to E! News.

The Hannah Montana star called things off last week as she prepared to leave Los Angeles for two months to shoot her Nicholas Sparks movie, The Last Song, in Savannah, Ga.

Speculation of trouble peaked yesterday when the two simultaneously twittered about tears and goodbyes.

A source close to the couple says both of them are really heartbroken over the split.

Well, that’s pretty lame and boring, but there’s apparently more to the story.  Supposedly, it was a Jonas Brother who drove a wedge between the knicker dummy and the hillbilly:

Gaston, a Louisiana native, has told pals that the star’s resurrected friendship with Nick Jonas this spring was his Achilles’ heel.

“She obviously has been hanging out with Nick again a lot, and Justin was cool with it at first, as long as it was just a cool, friendly thing,” says an insider. “She didn’t cheat, but I guess Nick was trying to get her back the whole time.”

Yeah, that’s still totally boring.  I can’t even put into words how little I care about some dirty old man panty mannequin’s angst, or about Hannah Montana and Little Jonas dry humping each other whilst praying or whatever.  Everyone involved in this nonsense is creepy and disgusting.

A little more than a month after Miley Cyrus’ infamous slant-eyed photo made the rounds on the internet, a photo of middle Jonas Brother Joe Jonas doing his version of the slant-eye found its way online yesterday. Disney must be thrilled. The Huffington Post says

Joe Jonas appears to be the gentleman in a photo pulling down his eyelids with his pinky fingers. Jonas, who like the guy in the photo wears a purity ring, is an older brother of Miley’s ex boyfriend Nick Jonas.

No word when the photo was taken or where it came from before surfacing on Gossip Teen.

Unfortunately, there’s also no word as to why he’s dressed like the inside of a black guy’s living room, either. African-Americans agree, he’s sorely lacking in the gilded mirror and decorative bottles of liquor department.

With her sophomore album “Fearless” just a week away from release, rumors that country singer Taylor Swift is pregnant are now mysteriously burning up the internet. But let’s stop and think about this here. In order to get pregnant “a,” you have to first have sex “b,” agreed? Okay. And to have sex, you need someone with balls and a penis, “c.” Now, until one month ago, Taylor Swift was dating Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers, “d,” in which case Jonas Brothers “d” plus balls and penis “c” plus sex “b” should equal pregnant “a.” But it doesn’t.

Why not?

Because the Jonas Brothers “d” is what is known as the additive inverse of balls and penis “c,” defined under the binary operation of addition where given x, there exists x’ such that x + x’ (= x’ + x) = o, which really is just the mathematical way of saying “no way the Jonas Brothers have anything other than big ol’ meaty vaginas.” And sorry, but you just can’t argue with math! That’s why I legally changed my name to “5! {√x}.” Let’s see you try and sentence me now, Judge Smartypants! Five Factorial Domain of the Square Root of X cannot be stopped!

At Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium for the CMT Giants last Thursday:

Demi Lovato is new Disney puke (along with BFF Selena Gomez) that’s being preened as a replacement for Miley Cyrus when the inevitable cocaine/sex tape surfaces. Demi is finally making it big, even opening for the Jonas Brothers Sunday night, her youthful exuberance evident as she skips and dashes and wipes the fuck out on the stage. Nine MSN says

It’s every pop star’s worst fear: falling over in the middle of a concert in front of thousands of screaming fans. The nightmare became a reality for Disney starlet Demi Lovato, who went head over heels (and not in a good way) while performing at a concert with the Jonas Brothers on Sunday night.

The 16-year-old singer rushes out on stage to greet a massive crowd and falls so hard she needs the help of two stagehands to help her up. Embarrassing!

Sorry, but that’s funny. The only way it could be any funnier is if she somehow wound up head first in a drum set being played by a Mexican in a bee costume who made that “whah whah whah” noise, shrugged his shoulders and said directly into the camera, “Ay yai yai, no me gusta!” And then the camera could zoom back and forth really fast on a busty woman in a rhinestone bra doing the shimmy. Ah, Univision. You never disappoint!

FF to the 26 mark