Thanks to a couple of well-placed surveillance cameras, actor Josh Hartnett is the unwitting star of a SoHo hotel sex tape. MSNBC says

Josh and his female companion entered what they believed was a secluded area of the hotel, a little-used library, and drew the curtains before getting cozy.

“Josh and the girl were getting pretty hot and heavy,” said the source who watched to actor’s actions on the hotel’s monitor. “Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place — the library included.” Several members of the hotel staff huddled around the monitor, but the source said, “No one quite knew where to look and there was a very awkward silence.”

No one knew where to look? Was the hotel doubling as the headquarters for the Jehovah’s Witnesses or something? The only time your eyes would even need to leave the screen is if you zipper gets caught in your underpants or to find the pause/rewind button for the good parts. Everybody knows “masturbation” and “work” go together like “peas” and “restraining orders!”

Although Rihanna recenttly confirmed that she’s dating actor Josh Hartnett, this photo here suggests she might like boobs. I have verified through several credible sources that Josh Hartnett does not, in fact, have boobs. Nor does he have a similarly massive forehead or drawn-on angry eyebrows. It was also noted that he would never wear that shade of yellow because he’s a winter. So based on this collaborative research, I’m 78% sure that Josh Hartnett might actually be a gay. They don’t call me “The Encyclopedia Brown of the Gossip World”* for nothin’!

_{*Mostly I just call me that.}

Rihanna at the Wild 94.9 Boo Bomb in San Jose the day before Halloween: