Former model Samantha Burke unveiled the five-week old results of her one-night stand with actor Jude Law in an exclusive interview with this week’s Hello! magazine. The Daily Mail says

Miss Burke, who reportedly earned $300,000 for the Hello! photoshoot, said: ‘I think [Jude will] fall in love with her when he sees her. She has his chin and nose, and she does a little pout that I notice that he’s done before.”

But Miss Burke [admitted that] he has not yet traveled to meet Sophia.

Asked if she had received any presents from Jude, who demanded a DNA test a few months ago, the former model [said], ‘No, nothing.’

Unless you count the genital herpes she got from him ten months ago, but I wouldn’t really call that a present per se. It’s not like you can return it at a department store. But fortunately, you can always re-gift it!

Jude playing soccer with his legitimate children:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

D-listers galore have spawned this week — “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” star Sarah Michelle Gellar, “Grey’s Anatomy” actress Ellen Pompeo, and sometimes-model-turned-Jude-Law’s-drunken-bootycall Samantha Burke all gave birth within the last four days. People magazine says

Sarah Michelle Prinze and husband Freddie Prinze Jr. welcomed their daughter Charlotte Grace Prinze on Saturday, Sept. 19. This is the first child for the couple.

They go on to say

Jude Law is a father – again.

Samantha Burke, the 24-year-old aspiring actress whom Law met while filming Sherlock Holmes in New York City last year, gave birth to a daughter Tuesday night.

And even more blahbitty blah blah blah:

It’s a girl for Ellen Pompeo!

The Grey’s Anatomy star, 39, welcomed a daughter, Stella Luna Pompeo Ivery, on Sept. 15 in Los Angeles.

Ugh, the only way this post could be any more boring is if it were read aloud by Wilford fucking Brimley and somehow translated into bean curd and denture adhesive.

You can breathe a sigh of relief — it wasn’t the fat chick after all. Jude Law’s baby mama is actually an “aspiring model/actress” (surprise, surprise) named Samantha Burke. TMZ says

Our sources say DNA tests [confirm that] Jude’s the daddy. Burke’s due date is October 6th… she’s expecting a girl she will name Sophia.

Burke’s attorneys [said], “Ms. Burke can confirm that she did in fact have a relationship with Mr. Law and that she has informed Mr. Law that she is expecting his child later this fall. Since informing Mr. Law of the pregnancy, he has been nothing but responsive and supportive of Ms. Burke and the pregnancy.”

However, today a source told The Sun

‘There is a high-powered lawyer in the girl’s family who is getting involved and Jude is terrified he will be financially cleaned out. Her family are also furious and upset that Jude has had his way and disappeared… with no further contact.’

The newspaper also claimed that Miss Burke wants a ‘large maintenance payment and total financial costs, including a percentage of Jude’s future earnings, to be agreed in writing.’

So she’s not as dumb as she looks after all! Clever girl. There’s a lot of money to be made in being a mother. If you can’t sell them to a sweatshop in Bangladesh or whore them out in a Thai brothel, children make fantastic pawns in divorce court. I call my oldest one my “ace in the hole!”

It’s that special time in Jude Law’s life — the time when a man reaps the wages of being too drunk to use a rubber when he banged some skank he picked up at a bar. I’m pretty sure Hallmark makes a card for it. His spokesperson said in a statement:

“Jude Law can confirm that, following a relationship last year, he has been advised that he is to be the father of a child due in the fall of this year. Mr. Law is no longer in a relationship with the individual concerned but he intends to be a fully supportive part of the child’s life. This is an entirely private matter and no other statements will be made.”

Make no mistake about it: God punishes you for having sex with fat chicks. Just ask Tom Arnold.

Looking just as surprised that he has fans as I am:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression “wearing drunk goggles” before. Well, whatever Jude Law’s drinking must be the ocular equivalent of the fucking Hubble telescope, because those skanks are disgusting.

Getting wasted with some ugly fat chicks in London yesterday:

It’s been a while since we’ve had a good Name That Celebrity, so I’m resurrecting it for today’s cross-dressing edition. It’s a toughie. I have to admit, even I didn’t know who it was when I first saw it, so I’m going to be generous and give you a hint: today’s Name That Celebrity smells of hair plugs and genital stank. Our boy has a real penchant for fornicating. Plus he’s bald. Give him a beer gut and a “My, Those Boobs Look Heavy, May I Hold Them for You?” t-shirt and he’s practically my Uncle Sal. Only Uncle Sal has way too much dignity to have ever starred in something as god-awful as “Alfie.”

The big reveal after the jump

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Kimberly Stewart seems to have acquired a taste for Sienna Miller’s old orifice pluggers — first Jude Law, and now Rhys Ifans. According to The Sun

The socialite spent last night cheering up Rhys Ifans, who was recently left broken hearted when Sienna dumped him for Balthazar Getty. They were careful to be pictured leaving top night spot Bungalow 8 separately, but sources say they were inseparable inside.

My mother once gave me a word of advice that I think applies here. She said, “Don’t ever eat where Sienna Miller shat.” Also, “You’d be better off stubbing out a cigar in your vagina.” Remember, burns will heal, but herpes is forever!

Actor Jude Law has descended from the resplendent heights of Sienna Miller kitty-dom to the D-list shantytown known as Kimberly Stewart. The two were photographed sucking face at 195 Nightclub in Essex over the weekend. According to The Sun

“Jude Law’s the first big name we have ever seen in there. We couldn’t believe it when we saw Kimberly Stewart snogging [his] face off. They were really going at it and barely came up for air. [We] asked if we could have our photo taken with them… they said no, turned back to face each other again then carried on kissing.”

I guess those rumors of Jude Law being a satyriasist are completely true. I wouldn’t patch my damn roof with Kimberly Stewart’s face, and yet here he is bumping uglies with her. For all intents and purposes, he could have just covered his wiener in haggis and bean dip casserole and then let a couple of wolverines take turns chewing on it. Last time I checked, there was still a little dignity in that.

More haggis, anyone?