44-year-old Julia Roberts in a bikini isn’t bad, but then 44-year-old Julia Roberts in a bikini isn’t good, either. Welcome to the Switzerland of celebrity swimsuit pictures.

In Hawaii with her three kids Hazel, Phinnaeus and Henry (whose names are now etched on her body in the traditional tramp stamp fashion):

PHOTO CREDIT: Star Magazine

I know there’s been one question that’s been eating at you for weeks now — did Julia Roberts get breast implants? Let’s ask someone who’s never treated her for their expert medical opinion! Star Magazine says:

“It does look like she had a breast augmentation; they look significantly larger now,” observes Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Stuart A. Linder, who does not treat the actress.

“She was probably a 34A or small B, and now she looks more like a nice, full C cup,” Dr.Linder tells Star. “Her breasts have more projection, and she certainly fills in her bathing suit much, much better.”

Aw, he can’t tell shit from that picture. She might have just gained some weight is all. Her suit might be padded. She might have stayed underground for the last six months, hidden from the sun’s evil rays, and her skin is just reflecting more light back to your eye in some kind of ultra-pale person trompe l’oeil. We’ll have to ask her fellow mole-people next time one of them surfaces. Rumor has it they already made her their queen.

At the “Eat, Pray, Love” premiere:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Now there’s video of Julia Roberts dropping the f-bomb like a sailor in a whorehouse at the Film Society Lincoln Center event honoring Tom Hanks Monday night. In so many words, whoop-de-fucking-do. So a woman gets a little tipsy and curses. When did that become newsworthy? I get drunk and scream vulgarities three, four times a week, and nobody follows me around with a goddamn video camera. They usually just ask me to leave or lay me on my side so I don’t aspirate my own vomit. That’s what you call a double fuckin’ standard, assholes!

Julia Roberts went completely fucking insane on the paparazzi as they followed her and her two children from a burger joint yesterday. There was practically blood pouring from her nostrils and she was almost shaking, she was so pissed. And rightfully so. People do not like it when you hide in bushes to take pictures of their children. Also not popular with the mommy types? Pulling down your pants and asking the kiddies “which one the no-no hole is.”

Privacy-violating pictures of Hazel and Phinnaeus:

E! News was all over this Splash footage of Julia Roberts chasing down some paparazzo with her car as he attempted to photograph her children on the way to school. Really, what’s all the fuss about? So some dude you don’t know is crouched down in his car taking pictures of your kids. Big deal. Who doesn’t occasionally loiter around a schoolyard and snap some candids of little girls in skirts on the swings? Who doesn’t keep a stash of Mike and Ike’s in their pockets to convince the little boys to follow you to back to the car to “check out the cute puppy you just bought?” Who doesn’t hide behind a bush on the playground with their genitals pulled out, waiting for some kid to round the corner and meet “The Daddy Snake?” Perfectly normal, legal behavior. Next, Julia’s gonna probably start railing on some prostitute trying to give a john a blowjob behind the gym for a little meth. So, what, the schoolyard’s a fuckin’ church now or something? Ho, ho! We can’t all just prance around a private school doing exploratory arts after our fancy catered lunches! Some of us have to work, you know? Meth doesn’t just pay for itself! Jesus Christ. Hollywood types can be so damn sanctimonious sometimes.