Drew Barrymore and fellow co-stars Juliette Lewis, Ellen Page and Zoe Bell recreate some of the scenes from her new movie “Whip It” in a photo shoot for next month’s Vs magazine. The film is based on the true story of the Texas Roller Derby League, which is weird because I was 99% sure that football was the only authorized sport in Texas. God knows A&M can’t get any other kind of ball through a hoop. Zing!

The only other time I’ve ever seen a face like Juliette Lewis’ up there is that time Lloyd gave Harry a mug full of Turbo Lax and sent him on his date with Mary Swanson. Oh, and that time I forgot to explain my “vagina dentana” condition to some one-night stand I met in a bar. Good times.

Performing with The New Romantics at the Great Escape Festival this weekend:

Pop star “All That’s Missing Are the Testicles” Pink is rumored to have turned to Scientology to help her work through her split with husband Carey Hart. Contact Music says

Friends reveal the singer has sought comfort from [confirmed Scientologist] Juliette Lewis, who is introducing her to the controversial religion. A source tells Star magazine, “Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved.”

Well, “getting involved” in the religion is easy enough. Step 1 — cut off all friends and family NOT affiliated with Scientology, alienating yourself completely; Step 2 — cough up hundreds of thousands of dollars for barley water and thetan-repellent outerwear; Step 3 — start working the word “glib” into everyday conversation, preferably accusatorily and on live TV; and Step 4 — wait for your career to come crashing down around you like so many bricks made of poisonous snakes of failure. Voila! You’re now officially a Scientologist. Please send your check or money order to Yeeeah! c/o Abby, ATTN: Scientology Licensing Department. Scientology — reigning in the closet homosexual in us all!

Rare cockatoo sighting on the red carpet at the VMAs last Sunday:

Although typically reserved for virgin-birthed incarnations of the Messiah, actress Juliette Lewis debuts the latest fashion trend to sweep the nation — swaddling clothes! Manger and frankincense sold separately. See three wisemen for details.