Justin Timberlake’s gone puss-swapping — he’s supposedly dumping girlfriend of three years Jessica Biel for singer Rihanna. Star Magazine says
After a hot grinding session at 1Oak’s MTV Video Music Awards bash in NYC, RiRi and JT moved to her hotel room, where they had a steamy, private after party! “Rihanna and Justin have been talking and texting on the phone nonstop since the VMAs,” said a source.
“Then at [the studio where the two are working on Rihanna’s new album], Justin was joking about strippers. He said she needed to entertain him like that. So Rihanna gave him an impromptu lap dance!”
Justin has made it clear he is 100 percent into Rihanna, and she equally feels the magnetic attraction, says a source. “She is a total tease and loves flirting with him. She digs him and wants to date him too!”
Well, as long as he doesn’t bash her face in or bite her, he’s already doing better the last guy. That’s the great thing about battered women. They set the bar so low!
Rumors of infidelity have plagued Justin Timberlake for months now, and being spotted sucking face with someone other than Jessica Biel at a New York nightclub by a Twittering Lindsay Lohan isn’t going to help matters. Nine MSN says
Celebrity blogger Poison Ivy first spotted JT and [an] unknown girl, reporting on their site: “Spotted a very intoxicated JT at Avenue nightclub in New York’s Chelsea district Monday night, kissing, holding hands and canoodling with an unknown brunette in a white hat.”
Next thing you know, Lindsay Lohan, [who] just happened to be at the same nightclub, was on the case! She posted a pic of the place on her Twitter with the caption, “So dark- where’s jb cheater?”
Let’s not jump to conclusions here. For all we know, that “JB” stands for Jim Beam. It is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about, you know.
It pains me to say this, but like a sprout of innocuous skin tags on the backside of an elbow, Justin Timberlake is slowly and inexorably growing on me. Maybe it’s just the Andy Samberg effect. Maybe it’s that Justin’s self-deprecation is kind of endearing. Or maybe it’s just that he’s actually… funny. We may never really know. Anyway, if you enjoyed last year’s “Dick in a Box,” prepare to be wowed by “Mother Lover.” You’re welcome.
Justin Timberlake made another guest appearance on this weekend’s latest Andy Samberg digital short masterpiece, “Jizz in My Pants.” I can’t think of anything more befitting for Timberlake, considering what a gigantic cumstain he is. You’re sleeping in the wet spot tonight, bitches!
Singer Justin Timberlake teamed up with Andy Samberg as Beyonce’s back-up dancer on this weekend’s Saturday Night Live. This goes against everything I believe in, but just watch the sketch. I promise you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Not by Justin’s heels and leotard, which I expect is pretty much the standard when he’s off camera, but by his performance. Justin was actually sorta… funny. I don’t know what to make of it. It’s like that time when I was eight and I found out where babies came from. It just seems wrong. Perverse, even. Or that time I learned that there were more white people on welfare than black people. Statistically speaking, impossible. But then you find yourself starting to crack a smile, maybe even a little laugh or two. I honestly couldn’t have been more surprised if he pulled up his skirt and revealed that “Justin” was actually the clever masquerading of two midgets stacked on top of each other like in old-timey cartoons.
Justin Timberlake’s longtime best friend Trace Ayala has opened up about the Sexy Back singer donning a Speedo in the new cinematic stinkbomb “The Love Guru.” Trace told InTouch magazine:
“I see the kid naked all the time, so if he is wearing a Speedo, I’m like ‘Yeah! He actually has clothes on!’”
Trace also [said] that [Justin's girlfriend] Jessica helps the pair with their denim designs.
You read that right. Nude denim design. Personally, I liked this show better when it was called “Will & Grace” and aired on Thursday night primetime. “Justin & Trace” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. It also wouldn’t hurt if Jessica Biel changed her name to Jessica Beard. For continuity’s sake, you know.
Justin Timberlake has taken the next relationship step in making an honest man woman out of Jessica Biel — he’s asked her to move in with him. According to In Touch Weekly
“Jessica is preparing to live in Justin’s Hollywood Hills home,” [says] an insider. It’s a big deal for Justin, 27, who has never taken this relationship step before, but the insider insists that “they’re definitely headed for marriage. Moving in is just the beginning.”
If you’re wondering the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is, it’s very simple. When she’s your girlfriend, she looks like Jessica Biel above. When she’s your wife, she starts to look like Jessica Biel below. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, boys!
You can tell how hip and down with the young people Madonna is by the way she drank champagne directly from the bottle during a promotional performance in New York City last night. The Daily Mail says
She performed six songs for around 2,000 people at the Roseland Ballroom, at one point stopping to guzzle champagne from the bottle. Madonna spent almost every second of her No. 1 track Four Minutes grinding against Justin Timberlake, despite being well and truly old enough to be his mother.
Then she screamed something like “I take the drugs and do lots of sex and watch the internet all day and night!” Get it? You know, like an old person trying to sound cool? I guess it sorta came out more like a lame Borat impersonation. Almost as lame as I just made this post. Almost.
Justin Timberlake mentioned having to drop trou for Her Madge-esty when he inducted Madonna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame last night. The Sun quotes him as saying
“We had a recording session in London and I wasn’t feeling well. She reached into her handbag, pulled a ziplock bag of B12 syringes and says: ‘Drop ‘em.’ I don’t know what you say to that, so I dropped my pants. She gave me the shot in my ass. That is what Madonna will always be to us. The shot in the ass when we really need it.”
Curiously, Madonna is the first Rock and Roll Hall of Famer not to perform at their own induction in history. But Madonna swears it’s less of a display of pompous ingratitude and more of an issue of her increasingly frequent panic attacks. In an interview with Dazed & Confused Magazine, she says
“I have panic attacks where I feel like everyone is breathing my air and I cannot live up to everybody’s expectations and I might just die on stage. I normally try to turn my back to the audience, take a deep breath and remind myself that it’s all temporary. It’s hard to describe.”
Then she said, “I get this numbness and tingling down my arm and a sort of heavy sensation on my chest — you know, like someone’s sitting on it — accompanied by shortness of breath and light-headedness… now wait just a bloomin’ minute — who changed the channel? Everybody knows I watch ‘Wheel’ after ‘Perry Mason!’ Goddammit! And there’s corn in this! You know I can’t digest corn!” before the nurse came in to empty her bedpan and give her her calcium supplement and blood thinner again.
In what’s sure to be the short straw draw for the good folks over at Pajiba, singer-turned-actor Justin Timberlake sports a porn-cheese mustache and a bulging crotch for his role in the upcoming cinematic masterpiece “The Love Guru.” But wait — there’s more! According The Daily Mail
In the comedy, which also stars Mike Meyers and Jessica Alba, Justin plays athlete Jacque Grande who steals the wife of a star hockey player. Meyers plays a love guru called Pitka - an American raised outside of his country by gurus - who returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business.
The Love Guru will open in UK cinemas in July.
If they’d just thrown Jessica Simpson and Jack Black into the mix, “The Love Guru” could have probably ascended to the throne currently held by “Little Nicky” and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” It’s got all the key elements: hairy crotches, close-ups of the hairy crotches, Jessica Alba, and bulging hairy crotches. Did I mention the hairy crotches? Ha, ha! It’s funny because his swimming suit is really small, there’s a big bulge where the wiener is supposed to be, and he has a seventies’ mustache. I call that the “trifecta of comedy.” Years from now, this movie will be shown in lecture halls to aspiring film students murmuring aloud with wonderment. “Note the low-angle shot on the crotch!” the professor will say. “Dig deeper! Pubes, yes, good, good! We’ve barely scratched the surface!” That’s also probably about the time the super computers become self-aware and start harvesting our bodies for power. The future’s a pretty bleak place.
