No, this isn’t a Dan Brown gospel revisionist story of incest, we’re talking about the Madge reportedly preparing to tie the red string knot with her model boy toy, Jesus Luz. NineMSN reports,

Never mind their ultra-Catholic monikers - Madonna and toyboy lover Jesus Luz are reportedly planning on sealing the deal Kabbalah style!

The Mirror report the pair are planning a Kabbalah commitment ceremony in New York, with Jesus ditching his Catholic faith in favour of his sugar mama’s religion of choice.

He’s been snapped going to Kabbalah classes since the start of the year, and has been a massive support to Madge lately - she’s said to be shattered after her failed bid to adopt three-year-old Malawi tot Mercy James.

The pair were rumoured to have split during Madge’s adoption attempt, but apparently they were just chilling out on the relationship side of things while Madonna concentrated on trying to adopt the little girl.

“They are totally besotted with each other and he’s really helped Madonna through this tough time,” a source told The Mirror of Jesus and Madonna’s lurve.

“It wasn’t that the relationship went off the boil, it was more a matter of Madonna wanting to concentrate on her adoption bid of Mercy and they wanted to keep a low profile while that became the main focus.”

“Madonna was devastated when the adoption was rejected the first time but now she wants to lavish some attention on Jesus and she’s keen to make sure they have a solid relationship for all the children’s sakes.”

Madonna’s kids Lourdes, 12, Rocco, eight, and David, three, are apparently fond of their mum’s new friend.

“Lourdes teases him by calling him The Babysitter, because he is so young,” said the source. “She likes him, but loves to wind him up.”

Oh yes, it’s going to be all rosy until Lourdes grows up into a beautiful young woman and then Jesus will start canoodling with her, and then Madonna will shapeshift into a harpy, rip poor Lourdes to shreds, pluck out Jesus’ eyes and inhale his gonads. The End.

Jesus and Madonna in her stupid Marc Jacobs Met Costume Gala getup. Looks like she’s trying to hold her head on or something.

Although her rep is denying it, reports have surfaced that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have already reached a settlement in their divorce proceedings. The Daily Mail says

Madonna will give Guy Ritchie just [$20 million]. Guy has agreed to a gagging clause that will prevent him from ever talking about their marriage. He will have full access to their sons, eight-year-old Rocco and adopted David Banda, three. Guy will own Ashcombe House, their 1,200 acre [$20 million] estate in Wiltshire, while Madonna will keep the couple’s [$14 million] townhouse in central London.

I know you’re all dying to know what it was that drove the once-happy couple apart. The veritable “straw that broke the camel’s toe,” if you will. Well, the NY Daily News claims

Madonna’s obsession with maintaining a perfect body was one of the factors behind her split. Madonna’s personal habits “include having a live-in trainer, and going to sleep slathered in $800 cream and wrapped in plastic.”

The Daily Mail adds

Her insistence on sticking to a grueling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair’s marriage. The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love. When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie told friends.

The other insurmountable issue plaguing their marriage? Her devotion to Kabbalah, which Ritchie thought was a bunch of hogwash. Cue New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez:

‘Alex is bewitched by her. She… has offered him a pathway to happiness and enlightenment through Kabbalah. He has turned to Kabbalah to please her. He became obsessed with her about a year ago when she introduced him to Kabbalah, he has since donated millions of dollars to the center. He showers her with compliments and makes her feel young, which Guy never did. He’s hispanic and totally her type.’

Just how much “her type” is he, exactly? Um, this much:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez. A friend said: ‘She thinks he’s physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.’

Nothin’ gets a man’s motor runnin’ like the sight of a 50 year-old woman slathered in pureed placenta and basting under a humidifier. I bet it looks and smells just like a botched abortion magically come to life. Who needs a swimsuit edition when you’ve got stem cells and saran wrap? Sports Illustrated can suck it!

Alex Rodriguez’ wife Cynthia announced that she is filing for divorce first thing this morning, citing the Yankee star’s relationship with Madonna as “the final straw.” Cynthia claims that Madonna used her religion to exude some kind of mind control over A-Rod. According to the NY Daily News

“This all started with kabbalah,” said the friend. “Alex told Cynthia that he’d discovered that he’d been looking for his soul mate. And now, he said, he’d found her.”

Cynthia Rodriguez told a friend, “I feel like Madonna is using mind control over him. I don’t recognize the man he’s become. He was a sweet, beautiful, loving husband and father. Today he’s very cold and calculating.”

Madonna issued the following statement in response:

“I am not romantically involved in any way with Alex Rodriguez. I have nothing to do with the state of his marriage or what spiritual path he may choose to study. I have learned over the years not to take accusations and the many false reports about me very seriously. I also appreciate how fiction and fact seem to be perceived as one and the same by people who read both newspapers and the internet.”

Madonna would do well to remember the words of François de la Rochefoucauld: “The sure way to be cheated is to think one’s self more cunning than others.” Another good way to wind up cheated? “Being an self-righteous old cunt who doesn’t know when to shut her stupid fucking pie hole already.” That’s a lesser known author, Abby, circa 2008. You know, if any of you want to make it your tag line or senior quote or something.

Maddona spends a whopping $10,000 a month on specially blessed Kabbalah water. Ten thousand dollars. That’s a lot of goddamn water. For $120,000 a year, I can only assume she also douches and power washes her decks with it, too. According to Female First

The ‘Like A Virgin’ singer reportedly makes sure she always has a regular supply of the $5-a-bottle beverage on hand. A source close to the singer [said]: “Madonna drinks a lot of water - that’s one of her fitness secrets. And Kabbalah water is the only stuff she will touch. She has it regularly shipped to wherever in the world she is staying at the time.”

What makes this water so special, you ask? Is it diamond filtered? Collected as dew drops off the petals of the lotus flower? Cut with Human Growth Hormone? Nope — even better:

A description of the blessed water on kabbalahwater.com reads: “The Kabbalistic blessings and meditations are used to create Kabbalah Water. [These blessings] bring about elegant and balanced crystalline structures in water, while negative consciousness has an opposite effect. This is hugely important. In a very literal way, Kabbalah Water is life’s original blueprint information brought into the modern world.”

Some leaders from the Kabbalah Centre are said to have claimed the water has the power to cure diseases including cancer and AIDS.

So some old guy prays over it and then charges you five bucks for it? Come on. It’s still fucking water. I could take a dump in a plastic bag and find a priest to bless it, but at then end of the day, I’d still only have a dump in a plastic bag. The main difference is I would only charge you three bucks for it instead of five.