Rapper Kanye West posted a short Spike Jonze-directed film titled “We Were Once A Fairytale” on his blog on Monday and then promptly pulled it down, presumably because it sucks so hard. The Daily Mail says
[The video] follows West, 32, on a drunken night out. He is seen having sex with a stranger, projectile vomiting blood and then stabbing himself in the stomach.
At this point, a demon emerges from the depth of his stomach. The creature subsequently stabs itself with a small sword.
Slap a blond wig on Kanye’s stomach rodent and you’ve got a pretty good idea of what Lindsay Lohanwill look like in ten years. Except, you know, freckles instead of fur and probably more ball sacks in the background.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but… Kanye West’s and Lady Gaga’s “Fame Kills” tour has been canceled. Yeah. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself. According to Rolling Stone
The primary reason “Fame Kills” was nixed: sluggish early numbers. Ticket sales “sucked,” to point where “’sucked’ happens to be a nicer version of the word,” TMZ writes, adding Gaga’s and West’s people were allegedly “at each others throats.”
But Gaga’s choreographer, Laurieann Gibson, tweeted:
Creative differences!!!
“Creative differences” my foot. I bet they just couldn’t agree on which one them got to be the man.
Kanye West apologized yet again for his little spectacle at the VMAs Sunday night on Jay Leno’s new show, where he was slated to perform with Jay-Z and Rihanna but ended up sitting down as a guest, because — as you suspected — it’s all about him. He said
“It’s been extremely difficult, just dealing with the fact that I took anything away, you know, from anyone. But I need to, after this, take some time off and just analyze how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve. Because I am a celebrity, and that’s something I have to deal with. Obviously, I deal with hurt.
So many celebrities, they never take time off. I’ve never taken the time off to really - you know, just music after music and tour after tour. I only wanted to help people. My entire life, I’ve only wanted to give and do something that I felt was right.
If there’s anything I could do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I’d like - you know, I want to live this thing. It’s hard sometimes.
Yep, you read that right. It’s hard being Kanye West. His little outburst was because he likes helping people. He insults and steps on because he hurts. Well, you know what else hurts? Hot lead moving at 1500 feet per second through the walls of the lower intestine fired out of a shotgun lodged in a man’s anus. Just putting that out there.
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Hey campers. It’s Sarah today. Abby’s on vacation and I’m sick as shit, so let’s just cut right to the chase and have a nice chat about what a goddamn crybaby little bitch Kanye West is (not that this should surprise anyone who’s ever heard of the interwebs or music or television or assholes). Remember back in 2006 when Kanye said he should be part of the Bible? What about the 2006 MTV EMAs in Copenhagen when Kanye rushed the stage and had a temper tantrum because he didn’t win Video of the Year? I mean Jesus, just look at the expression on Timbaland’s face around the 3:10 mark:
In 2007, Kanye made an appearance at Al Gore’s “Live Earth” global benefit concert and danced like a monkey because he was getting paid, then turned around and went right back to having $4000 meals flown halfway around the world just so his ass could feel fancy. Then there were the 2007 MTV VMAs when Kanye pitched a hissy backstage after failing to win in any of the five categories for which he was nominated:
He wasn’t done pouting like a little girl, though. He followed that up with more than a week of missed performances and interviews. Kanye spent the majority of 2008 getting arrested for assault, and in the spring of 2009 he went on VH1’s Storytellers and went out of his way to sound as arrogant and retarded as possible.
Kanye West has spent the last few years doing everything in his power to be the most selfish, immature, tantrum-throwing diva in the world and he doesn’t give a fuck about other people, so what happened at last night’s 2009 MTV VMAs cannot possibly come as a shock to anyone. Taylor Swift was a surprise winner for Best Female Video, and Kanye jumped on stage, grabbed the microphone from her and started yelling about how Beyoncé had “one of the best videos of all time”. Poor Taylor had no idea what the hell to do and just stood there frozen:
“I was standing on stage and I was really excited because I’d just won the award and then I was really excited because Kanye West was on stage,” Swift recalled after the show. “And then I wasn’t excited anymore after that.”
Jesus, what a goddamn jackass. Taylor Swift is 19 years old. Nineteen. She’s a KID. That’s like running up to a tiny tot on the beach and taking a dump on their sandcastle whilst shrieking about how you once knew a dude who turned sand into fairy dust with his mind. It makes you look unhinged and disgusting, and it makes everyone else totally uncomfortable. Also, fairy dust is fake and pointlessly glittery, just likeBeyoncé.
The best part of Amber Rose’s bikini is that Kanye West can floss with it after downing a little goûter après-midi of Popeye’s chicken and a $600 bottle of Cristal. Or whatever it is that rap stars eat when they’re not holding their pants up by the crotch and squatting across a stage like a dog trying to get rid of a clinger-on turd. How the hell should I know?
Kanye West apparently felt very strongly that he had not yet sufficiently showcased his epic douchebaggery for all the world to see. That’s why he so generously took time out of his busy lineup of masturbatory preening and lip-syncing at VH1’s Storytellers to bestow upon us, the unwashed masses, the following gems:
“I do have an ego and rightfully so. I think people should have an ego.
“Think about it - I don’t offend people, I don’t put anyone down. Do I name names or bring people down? That’s not my thing. But I give myself big-ups. I feel good about the music I make.”
I bet you’re thinking, “Dude, that ain’t even as bad as most of the shit that delusional jackass says before breakfast every day.” Well, don’t be so impatient, young grasshopper. Kanye was just warming up:
“God chose me. He made a path for me. I am God’s vessel.
“But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
Yeah. Poor Kanye. He’ll never know joy. It’s super sad. Oh, but wait; Kanye wasn’t done yet! He also offered up a backhanded and passive-aggressive apology for his longstanding history of raging homophobia:
“If a black man from Chicago was taught to stand far away from gay people because he didn’t want to be accused of being gay. What would happen if he’d run into a gay man? What’s the talk? What would he learn, what would I learn? I learned that people in Chicago were wrong and I had been an asshole all along.”
Seriously, if Kanye could do me a huge favour and maybe contract Tetanus so his goddamn jaw would lock the fuck up, that would be great. Failing that, I’ve got a shiny nickel for the first person to punch him in the face and tell him he’s not allowed to talk anymore.
Perhaps someone who knows more about Kanye West can tell me who this charming young lady’s name is. I’m just going to call her Red Snapper, okay? Okay. She kind of reminds me of those swivel-hipped, musical instrument playing automatons in Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love music video. Ha ha, now it’s stuck in your head, too. I wonder if the curtains match the rug?
Kanye West was arrested in England this morning after an altercation with a photographer outside a pub in Newcastle. From the Associated Press:
LONDON (AP) — Rapper Kanye West was arrested after a fracas outside a nightclub but released without charge, British media reported Friday.
The Press Association news agency and others reported that that the 31-year-old rapper was detained early Friday after an incident involving a photographer outside the Tup Tup Palace bar in Newcastle, northern England.
Police said only that a 31-year-old man had been arrested on suspicion of assault after an incident at a nightclub. They said he was later released without charge. British police do not usually identify suspects who have not been charged.
The Tup Tup Palace said West visited the club after his gig in Newcastle Thursday but could not confirm the arrest.
A spokeswoman for West did not immediately return a call seeking comment.
West was arrested last month at Los Angeles International Airport after he was filmed struggling with a paparazzo. He was not charged.
Honestly, at this point it’s really only “news” if Kanye West shows up anywhere and fails to do one of the following:
a) Cry like a little bitch
b) Assault someone
c) Rant to anyone who will stand still long enough about how awesome he thinks he is
If a full day ever went by without ANY of those things happening, I’m pretty sure it would herald the dawn of the Apocalypse.
The doctor who performed liposuction and a breast reduction on rapper Kayne West’s mother Dr. Donda West the day before her death has been revealed as a drunken incompetent plagued by malpractice suits. People Magazine says
[Dr. West's] operation, performed by Dr. Jan Adams, lasted eight hours, twice as long as expected, leading other doctors to speculate that something may have gone wrong during the procedure. According to a separate report, the California Medical Board sought to revoke Adams’s physician and surgeon’s certificate this year following multiple DUI arrests in recent years. [It was also reported that] another plastic surgeon recently refused to perform procedures on Donda West due to a health condition that allegedly made her susceptible to a heart attack.
Bonita Hovey claims in December 2005, Dr. Adams performed a tummy tuck on her and botched the job. According to the suit, Hovey claims Adams “negligently failed to possess and exercise, in both diagnosis and treatment, that reasonable degree of knowledge and skill that is ordinarily possessed and exercised by other physicians and surgeons … [Dr. Adams] failed to give the plaintiff proper preoperative and postoperative follow up care … resulting in a “postoperative infection” that caused her to undergo two surgeries to remove sutures and revise her scar.
The suit claims Adams made a “false assertion that he was a board certified plastic surgeon” and she relied on that representation in choosing him.
According to the suit filed by [Teana Lucas], after the [liposuction] procedure, [Dr. Adams] told her she should get dressed and that he was taking her out for dinner. After three glasses of wine, the medicated plaintiff claims she was “heavily intoxicated” when Dr. Adams took her to his house and had sexual intercourse with her. Lucas claims she became pregnant and Dr. Adams… referred her to an OB/GYN who could “take care of the problem.” Lucas also claims he botched her two surgeries. She sued for sexual battery and malpractice. Adams denied all the allegations, but settled the case.
You usually only find this type of doctor on a soap opera or in a back alley in Guatemala. It’s easy on a soap opera to know he’s evil — the eye patch and frequent soliloquies in which he proclaims his plans to eliminate the Bradys once and for all are a dead giveaway. It’s much harder to tell in real life. A good rule of thumb is if your doctor has 14 different malpractice suits and three DUIs and penchant for knocking up his patients post-surgery, he’s probably not the guy you want cutting into your abdomen and rearranging your vital organs. Same goes for anyone who starts off the consult with a goat sacrifice and a round of “warm-up” tequila shots or the guy whose assistant is actually a monkey wearing mittens. Please! Everyone knows monkeys operate best when their fingers are nice and warm. The trick to catching a medical fraud is to keep an eye out for that kind sloppiness. It could be the difference between life and death.
