Kat Von D announced on her Facebook over the weekend that former fiance Jesse James cheated on her nineteen times during their engagement. Yeah, never saw that coming, either. Us Magazine says:

“Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year,” [Kat von D] wrote in the post, entitled “Thank You, Jesse James.”

“There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people’s ability to change for the better,” she writes.

And she knows what all her fans and detractors are thinking. “I deserve a big fat ‘I told you so,’ from everyone, and wish I didn’t have to say, ‘You all were more right than you’ll ever know’ but you were,” she concedes. “Not to worry, I’ve gladly paid the consequences for every mistake I’ve ever made, but learned so much from each of them.”

And I’m sure she’s also learned the proper medical name for those mistakes: gonorrhea, syphilis, and Hepatitis C. And don’t let’s forget Jesse James’ face on her ribcage. I gather that one was probably a mistake, too.

In L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Their split was rumored to be precipitated by his infidelity, but Kat Von D confirmed for the first time yesterday that ex-fiance Jesse James did in fact cheat on her while they were together. I know, I was just as shocked as you are. The Daily Mail says:

‘No, my next book will not be about my cheating ex,’ 29-year-old [Kat von D] wrote on her Twitter page yesterday.

She added: ‘There are way too many positive and inspiring things to write about instead.’

The statement confirms rumors that his infidelity was the reason behind their split.

James has not yet commented on the allegations.

So she’s saying that Jesse James — the man who cheated on his ex-wife multiple times over the course of their entire marriage — could have possibly been unfaithful while they were together? This is all just coming out of nowhere! Jesse James… a cheater? If only there had been some warning, some red-flags beforehand!

At the Rage official launch party in Chinatown last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

So Jesse James and Kat von D got engaged in January, and then they called off the wedding six months later, except no, it was just postponed, they’re just as in love as ever and still planning on getting married… if they hadn’t just broken up again. Yeah, I stopped caring about 35 words ago. People Magazine says:

Another month – and another breakup for Jesse James and Kat Von D.

“I am not in a relationship,” the tattoo artist said in a post on her Facebook page on Saturday. “And I apologize for all the ‘back and forth’ if it’s caused any confusion.”

So what went wrong this time? “It was clear to me that we were just on two different paths in life,” Von D [says]. “My friend put it best when he said I could never be more deserving of total, noble love. And as a woman, I think it’s important to know your value and never lose sight of that.”

When translated from the original bullshit, “deserving of total, noble love,” roughly translates as “I’m not into anal fisting.” Sorry, but you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. I’m fluent in three different dialects.

Kat in L.A. last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

TLC just gone done axing Kate Gosselin’s crappy “Kate + 8″ show, and now they’re canceling “L.A. Stink Ink” because of its comparably low ratings. But the way Kat von D tells it, she wasn’t fired because her show sucks; she quit that bitch because reality TV is supposed to be pure, unadulterated truth. She told People Magazine:

“In an effort to capitalize on my recent breakup [with Jesse James], TLC has decided to focus on re-editing events that didn’t happen while filming. In my opinion, any attempt to compromise the honesty of that would be an insult to my fans and viewers.

As grateful as I am to have been a part of LA Ink, I’m ready to end this chapter and want to focus on other projects now.”

It’s TLC’s loss, really. There are tons of projects out there for a girl like Kat. “RuPaul’s Drag Race” and “Bangkok Ladyboy Cabaret” come to mind. So do “Celebrity Rehab” and “My Strange Addiction.”

Miranda Kerr in some new Victoria’s Secret pics, because she doesn’t have to tuck:

Kat Von D stormed off the set of Good Day LA yesterday after the show’s hosts dared to mention that she and Jesse James had split. The Daily Mail says:

The drama unfolded after one of the show hosts, Jeff Michael, mentioned her ex Jesse James after they aired a preview of TLC show LA Ink.

In the clip, Kat is seen showing off a tattoo she had just got of James’s face on her arm. Von D was not happy when Jeff highlighted that she had had the etching done just before the break-up.

After storming out, Kat immediately took to Twitter, hitting out at Good Day LA for being insensitive.

Kat tweeted: ‘Dear GoodDayLA, thanks for the waste of a perfectly good morning. Lack of compassion n respect for each other never fails to disappoint me. [Totally] disrespectful intro you guys ‘snuck’ in.’

Just to clarify, she was on Good Day L.A. to promote her new show. Her people were the ones who sent the clip to the show in the first place, and said pre-approved clip consisted of Kat getting Jesse James’ face tattooed on her ribcage, then surprising Jesse James with the Jesse James tattoo, and then embracing Jesse James, then telling the camera she was nervous because she didn’t know how Jesse James would react to the Jesse James tattoo. What they hell else were they supposed to talk about? Her cheap-ass wigs? Her disconcerting gay man’s voice? The utter unwatchability of her show? There’s only so many directions you can go here. The Jesse James route was really the least offensive.

You probably already saw this coming, but adverts for the season premiere of L.A. Ink show Kat von D getting a hideous Jesse James tattoo permanently etched on her body, because their love is obviously forever. Or at least until July 26th. According to Radar Online:

“I’m getting his face tattooed on me and I have no idea how he’s going to react,” Kat says in the clip [from the season premiere].

When Jesse arrives at her tattoo shop, Kat tells him she’s nervous about giving him his “surprise.”

He seems happy with her new ink – saying “you’re crazy,” but ultimately telling Kat “yeah” he loves it, and “I love you.”

Perhaps foreshadowing the future, Kat says she was scared about Jesse’s reaction. “I thought you were going to tell me you were breaking up with me.”

As any prison inmate will tell you, the Portrait Tattoo stage is the most profound of all the stages of love, so it seemed unfathomable that this thrice-divorced serial womanizer could be fucking another woman. Yet he was. Radar Online says:

Jesse and Kat had a verbal argument outside of her Los Angeles, Calif. home Monday afternoon about another woman before Kat finally told him to leave.

“They were outside and I could hear them fighting. Kat kept throwing some woman’s name out and arguing,” [a] source [said].

“Jesse finally said, ‘Fine, fuck you!’ and sped away on his motorcycle. Kat sat in her Bentley with her head on the steering wheel for about three minutes before finally driving away.”

I don’t know if it’s just the bong hits talking, but watch that video again and tell me it doesn’t sound like someone dubbed the show from Japanese and messed up their voices. Like they gave Jesse the voice of Garth from Wayne’s World and Kat the voice of Vera de Milo. Except that’s how they actually talk in real life. I know, right? It blew my mind, too!

Jesse James and Kat von D claimed they were just postponing their wedding after rumors they had split surfaced last month, but now it looks like there isn’t gonna be any wedding at all. People Magazine says:

Jesse James and Kat Von D have called off their engagement.

The commute between Los Angeles, where Von D shoots her reality show, and James’s home outside of Austin, Texas… proved to be too much.

Von D confirmed the split on Twitter, [writing]: “I am no longer w Jesse and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I’d like to share. Thanks for respecting that.”

That’s a shame. Between the two of them, I bet they had all seven different types of hepatitis — A, B, C, D, E, and X and G. They just blew their chance at being the only real-life triple word score double letter bonus in Scrabble.

Kat in Hollywood:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

All is not well in the land of ink and herpes. The Daily Mail says:

Jesse James’s fourth trip down the aisle appears to have been cancelled.

The Monster Garage star and his tattoo artist fiancée Kat Von D have put their relationship on hold five months after announcing their engagement.

‘I guess I was trying to take too much from the world,’ tweeted James on June 5. ‘Funny how things go from amazing to shit in the blink of an eye.’

On the same day Kat wrote: ‘I have no regrets.’

Life & Style Magazine is reporting that James has confirmed the split to his friends.

‘That’s what he’s telling pals,’ an insider told the magazine. ‘He says there’s too much drama for him.’

No, no, no! They didn’t break up! They’ve just moved their wedding to the summer, the least shitty and drama-filled season of them all. They’re still as in love and happy as ever. According to People magazine:

Have Jesse James and Kat Von D called off their wedding? Not a chance!

“That is absolutely not true,” says James, 42, bristling at Internet reports that he’s split from the LA Ink star. “We’re still going strong. Things are completely good with us.”

Adds Von D: “That’s the furthest thing from the truth.”

In fact, the pair, who were engaged in January, are planning a summer wedding on the one-year anniversary of when they started dating, James reveals.

“That day can’t come soon enough!” he says.

“Everything is on track,” says James. “I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She’s the one for me.”

Oh, I’m sure they’ll last another year. They both radiate such sound decision-making skills and seem completely well-adjusted and emotionally stable. I’m kidding, of course. I’d sooner tether my wagon to mattress stuffed with cobras.

TLC reality stars Jesse James and Kat von D revealed that they are engaged to be divorced yesterday. Fairy tales really do come true, boys and girls! Especially if there’s a webcam and white power involved. Us Magazine says:

Less than seven months after his messy divorce from Sandra Bullock was finalized, the motorcycle mogul, 41, is now engaged to TLC star and tattoo artist Kat von D!

Von D (real name: Katherine von Drachenberg), 28, confirmed the news on Twitter on Thursday. “I guess the ‘kat’ is outta the bag, eh? Thank you for all the wonderful, loving congratulations from you all. Overwhelmed with joy right now!”

This will be Monster Garage star James’ fourth marriage.

I just don’t understand how Jesse James could be with someone as beautiful and likeable as Sandra Bullock and still end up going back to the same old tatted-up skanks he banged before (well, and during, to be technical) her. It’s like a dog returning to his own vomit, or Britney Spears to Taco Bell and a gas station bathroom.

I bet going on a date with Kat von D is lots of fun. She probably wobbles her head around with a vaguely confused smile on her face, occasionally erupting with a “hey!” followed by a nonsensical question about eating the moon if it were made of spare ribs and things like, “Can you imagine a world with an endless supply of hot dogs? They’d be so abundant, they’d become our currency!” Cubs win!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

L.A. Ink’s Kat von D and fellow “tattoo enthusiast” Jesse James were spotted on a date in Hollywood over the weekend. I hope the smell of wig glue and Zovirax didn’t make anybody feel light-headed. People magazine says:

The motorcycle mogul, whose divorce from Sandra Bullock was finalized in June, was spotted having dinner with Kat Von D in Las Vegas Saturday night.

Settling into a table at Palms Casino Resort’s N9NE, the duo got cozy by sitting right next to each other… [and] holding hands.

They continued holding hands as they left dinner and headed to a black Mercedes that James was driving.

The guy was married to a porn star and Kat von D spent three years underneath Nikki Six from Motley Crue, but things must be getting serious because they were holding hands in public. My stars! Next thing you know, he’ll be taking her out for a buggy ride without a chaperon and penciling his name down on her dance card for the waltz AND the two-step. I just don’t know if the American public is equipped to deal with that kind of scandal.

Because subtlety and understatement are for pussies:

No, that’s not chemical burns in the pic on the left; it’s Kat Von D wearing her own line of tattoo concealer for Sephora, but without all the retouching on the right. See if you can guess which of those they’re running in the ad campaign. But it’s good to know they’ve got back up pics if psoraisis and Rocky Mountain Fever ever become all the rage in 2009. Wouldn’t want to put all our eggs in one lie-blackened basket, now would we, Sephora?

At the Teen Choice Awards (top) and in German FHM (bottom):