Kate Beckinsale is 35 years old in these bikini pictures taken in Mexico yesterday. 35 years old. To put that in perspective, when my mom was 35, she was tipping the scales at 280 and routinely herniated herself hitting the TV when her stories went out. Of course, Kate Beckinsale didn’t give birth to the greatest voice of our generation, so it’s not even a competition, really. I’m pretty sure birthing this kind of talent buys you a mulligan or two on the aesthetic greens of life.

The Sopranos won big at last night’s Screen Actor’s Guild Awards, which is surprising in that the last two or three seasons sucked and nobody I know even watched it anymore, which is precisely why I wasn’t watching the SAGs in the first place. That, and The Big Lebowski was on cable again. You’re killing your father Larry!

My vote for best-dressed goes to Angelina Jolie and her pregnancy-concealing vintage Hermes gown. She was one of maybe four women there without a shellacked helmet of forties-era waves or what I like to call “open-casket makeup.” Angie spent the evening making out with Boxcar Bradley Pitt, who by the looks of it hopped the rails from Tulsa to get to the show.

My other favorites included Kate Beckinsdale, in a bright yellow Luisa Beccaria gown reminiscent of the one Michelle Williams wore to the Oscars a couple of years ago:

Becki Newton from Ugly Betty in a similarly tiered Elsie Katz gown:

Marion Cotillard from La Vie en Rose in Nina Ricci:

Debra Messing in Oscar de la Renta and a whole lotta visible scalp:

and Michelle Pfiefer and Sophia Bush working the neutrals:

Check out the complete list of winners here.

Not everybody finds actor/stoner Luke Wilson as charming and laid-back as People magazine’s “Sexiest” issue would have you believe. Specifically, actress Kate Beckinsale seems to hate him. Page Six reports:

“Both have fallen ill while shooting [their new film "Vacancy"], but the real problem is they can’t stand each other. One on-set source said Wilson is often hung over and late to the set, and when he does show, insists on bragging about “all the girls he hooked up with over the weekend and how drunk he got.” …Wilson is “outwardly rude and awful to Kate,” the second source said. He often doesn’t show up for “reversal” shots, where he is off-camera but needs to be there for Beckinsale to relate to when she speaks. Instead, he sends a stand-in. The situation became so tense last week that when it came time for Wilson to shoot his reversals, Beckinsale is said to have sent out a picture of herself with a note that read, “Read your lines to this - it will be better for both of us.”

I can only hope that “Vacancy” includes a steamy love scene, so I can read about all the awful things they did to one another pre-shoot. Like Luke eating a tuna fish sandwich or a raw onion before the big kissing segment. Or Kate smearing tabasco sauce on her pasties. Or maybe her hiding a bear trap between her legs right before the realistic dry-hump scene. Boy, metal teeth clamping on the head of a penis is some seriously funny shit! Funnier still if it managed to snag a testicle on the way shut. Then she could yell, “You’ve been pranked, Luke!” and kick him a couple times in the ribs. Funny shit.

Unlike many of today’s female celebrities, Kate Beckinsale looks gorgeous in her black bikini. I’m glad to finally see an actress who can properly fill a bikini. When I say properly, I mean with more flesh than bones.

More pics after the jump.

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