TLC announced yesterday that they were pulling the plug on “Kate Plus 8,” so Kate Gosselin immediately took to Twitter to blame TLC for the show’s abysmal ratings. Radar Online says:

“Come on TLC, don’t take away the best show on TV for SIX years!!! Kate, is there anything us fans can do we all love y’all!” one user tweeted, which Kate re-posted to her own account. She also played the blame game, retweeting one user’s sentiment that “ratings dwindled b/c TLC put you in a 10 o’clock time slot and didn’t air your shows consistently.”

When one fan asked her if she planned on going back into her original career of nursing, Kate replied, “I plan on staying on tv.”

Then Kate [added], “Aww that Mady… Wants to do MORE tv!!! Disney anyone? Lol”

A show based on an unlikeable, emasculating cunt with the warmth and charisma of a frog schlepping a bunch of ugly little kids around just doesn’t work without the submissive Asian to take the brunt of the bitchiness. You wouldn’t send the organ grinder out without his monkey, would you? TLC should have known better.

In New York:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Realizing the power of their marketability was lessened by their divorce, Jon and Kate Gosselin are reportedly considering combining their forces of suck once again.  Famewhore Twins activate! Says Digital Spy,

The reality stars – who divorced in 2009 – are said to have realised that they are “right for each other” since their split and may get back together in the near future, reports PopEater.
“They both realize how much they miss each other,” a source told the site.

“Neither one of them have been really happy since their ugly split and would love to turn back time to the point where they were both in love before fame took over.”

The insider continued: “After the split the (sic) both of them were out of control. Kate thought she was going to be dating Brad Pitt, and Jon was sure he was going to be a superstar.

“Neither one of them found what they were looking for when they were single and have both come to the conclusion that maybe they are right for each other.”

Jon also recently accepted a construction job with a Pennsylvania green energy company which the source claimed was in order to impress Kate.

A friend of Jon was quoted as saying: “Jon is in a great place. He is happy and knows what a fool he made of himself after his split from Kate.”

I have a hard time believing that no one was interested in dating a woman whose uterus had undergone the magical stretching of carrying a litter, let alone one with a narcissistic abusive personality. She happened to think she was a great catch. And Jon? No one wanted to make him a superstar? If a Mongoloid face and a teeny pecker doesn’t say “Superstar” all over it, I don’t know what does.

Vacationing in New Zealand, and doesn’t she look happy to be there?

Further reiterating why God withered up Kate Gosselin’s ovaries twenty years ago, her eight little science-spawned children with Jon Gosselin have now taken to ruining Christmas for their classmates. Or maybe I should say their six science-spawned children have taken to ruining Christmas for their classmates, because two of them don’t actually go to school anymore. On account of their “anger issues,” you see. Radar Online says:

The Gosselin children have been accused of spoiling Christmas for fellow students [by]… “telling other kids at school that there is no Santa Claus,” a close friend of the family [said].

“[Jon] has received many phone calls from parents because the kids actually told [classmates as young as six] ‘your parents are lying to you,’ causing them to get upset,” the insider said.

Denying a report that two of her eight children were expelled from school, Kate this week admitted daughter Alexis and son Collin “were having anger issues.”

The Kate Plus 8 star revealed that she and the school “mutually agreed” to take the pair out of school, and they’re now studying with a private tutor.

Look, just because the faculty told you and your little brats to get the fuck out of their school doesn’t mean you “mutually agreed” on anything. You had no say in the process it whatsoever. That’s like telling people that you and Sir Isaac Newton “mutually agreed” that a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it. Sorry, but the law of inertia doesn’t rely on your approval, and neither did that school board. You don’t control everything, you stupid bitch!

Kate MINUS eight in New York on Wednesday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kate Gosselin must be feeling the sting stink of rejection right about now. The Dancing With The Stars cast is planning a reunion dinner, and she’s not invited! Says Popeater,

This year’s crop of celebrity hoofers on ‘Dancing With the Stars’ have stayed so close since the end of season 10 that they’re even planning a big reunion dinner in Los Angeles in three weeks. All were invited, save for one: Kate Gosselin.

“Her invite must have gotten lost in the mail,” one ‘Dancing’ insider tells me. “Of course she was not invited! We all became close during and after the show except Kate who hasn’t returned anyone’s calls or emails. You know it’s bad when even creepy bachelor, Jake Pavelka, gets invited but she doesn’t.”

Everyone’s just scared to be around her if she dances without the constraints of choreographing. She makes Pinocchio look positively graceful and would most likely take everyone out with her flailing limbs. But instead of getting gold coins thrown at her, it would be shattered cocktail glasses. At least that’s what I’d hope for. I’ve got no strings on me!

Walking around with the Mongoloids:

What do you men look for in a potential mate? According to Kate Gosselin, birthin’ a litter and being a narcissistic camera-chaser should be high on that list. Says Popeater,

“Kate’s confidence is amazing,” an insider tells me. “She thinks she is a fantastic catch. Not only does she think she has never looked better, Kate also now has a ton of money. As far as she’s concerned, there is nothing not to like. She’s beautiful, rich and thinks of herself as very easy to get along with.”

Between looking after her eight children and taping her two shows, Kate doesn’t have the time to go out and meet guys. Even if she did, sources tell me Kate has no girlfriends with whom she could hit up the local bars and clubs. Instead the only place Kate does meets new men is when she’s doing media interviews to promote her show.

“Kate is constantly flirting with all the hot male reporters she meets,” a producer tells me. “She has a sparkle in her eye and gets all giddy when she’s bossing reporters around. At first, we thought she was happy because she was talking about herself. Then we realized she was looking for a date.”

Hyenas are another kind of predator that laugh, you know. That’s right before they attack and eat your steaming entrails.

At a Lady Gaga concert, taking pictures with Donald Trump (wtf?) and his duck-billed wife Melania:

Kate Gosselin has made it her life’s mission to exploit her litter and wring every last penny out of their little hides. If she can make money off her own kids, then why not the Baby Jesus? Popeater reports,

Kate Gosselin wants to show America that it’s not just her dance skills that are a hidden talent. Now, the famous mom and her eight adorable tots want to release a holiday CD packed full of all her favorite religious classics.

“Kate is pitching a CD of holiday songs sung by herself and all her children,” a record executive tells me. “She sees herself as a modern day Maria from ‘The Sound of Music,’ except this time the family singers won’t be the Von Trap family, they would be the Gosselins.”

“Don’t be fooled,” a friend of Kate’s tells me. “Kate sees herself as a brand. She knows her fifteen minutes are not going to last forever and wants to make the most of it. After all, it’s Kate that’s putting the food on the table for all those children.”

Von Trapp family? I don’t think so. I think she’s a little less Maria and a little more Miss Hannigan from Annie, if you ask me.

In NYC:

You hear that? It’s the sound of a collective moan from disappointed single men. Yeah, not really. Kate Gosselin shares (of course she does) that she’s not ready to get back in the saddle again. Says Digital Spy,

Kate Gosselin has reportedly said that she doesn’t feel ready to date again following her separation from ex-husband Jon.

The 35-year-old divorced Jon last year after ten years of marriage. The couple are parents to 9-year-old twin daughters Cara and Mady, and 6-year-old sextuplets Aaden, Collin, Joel, Alexis, Hannah and Leah.

Speaking to Meredith Vieira on Today, she said: “I don’t feel like it’s time. I feel like my kids need so much of me, that I need to be there with them. Personally I don’t feel ready to move forward.”

However, the former Jon & Kate Plus 8 star admitted that her kids occasionally did “bring up” the subject of dating and marriage.

“They wonder, am I going to get married again and all those things,” she explained. And I’m open and I talk to them about it.”

Sure they “bring up” the subject. More like, Kate brings it up, and asks them what they think about it as she taps a cooking spoon in her hand. Whack, whack, whack. You all want Mommy to be happy, don’t you? DON’T YOU?

Going to lunch and stopping for an autograph(?!!):

The inevitable finally happened — Kate Gosselin was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. People Magazine says

It had been a struggle from Day One for Kate Gosselin, and now it’s finally over for the reality show mom of eight.

With a tissue in hand, she said, “To fans: Thank you for believing in me more than I believed in myself. Even though I was scared to death most of the time, [I gave] the show my all, and it was a great experience.”

Her partner, Tony Dovolani, who famously sparred with her during practices, said, “I know she gets a lot of criticism. I give her all the credit in the world.”

They say you can tell a lot about a person’s love-making skills by watching them dance. I don’t know how well tight-lipped grimacing and robotic shuffling translate to the bedroom, but I bet it looks a lot like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on Annual Insemination Night.

Watch the elimination after the jump.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Jon Gosselin filed a petition in court on Friday asking for full custody of the eight children he shares with ex-wife Kate Gosselin. A little extra child support goes a long way with Ed Hardy t-shirts, you know. According to MSNBC

According [the petition], Kate is an absentee mom, and [Jon] is expected to use “DWTS” as evidence that she does not spend quality time with her kids.

Kate [said via her publicist]: “I am not willing to comment in public on the custody discussions regarding my children. What I will say is this: I am and always will be a mother first, but as a single working mom I will do everything necessary to provide for my kids despite the opinions of others.”

A source close to Kate points out that Jon’s timing seems suspect. “His girlfriend, who he was living with across the country — just kicked him out.”

He might be woman-less, homeless and spineless, but that doesn’t mean he’s through whoring out his children for money just yet:

Jon Gosselin is “definitely open” to co-starring with ex-wife Kate Gosselin on a new TV project “under the right circumstances.” Jon would do a show with Kate, but “the contract would have to be tighter.” [No further elaboration was given], but we’re guessing it has something to do with the way TLC cleaned Jon’s clock in court.

Boy, he’s really had a change of heart, hasn’t he? Six months ago, he fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC on grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” Fast forward to April, and he’s ready and willing to lay his kiddies on the altar of the New Babylon, just so long as he doesn’t get financially shafted by the contract. This tubby piece of shit makes King Herod look like Father of the Year. And King Herod killed three of his own sons. At least he had the decency not to film it for TLC.

Kate redefining “haggard” last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Now that Kate Gosselin has dropped ten pounds, eighty-sixed the reverse mullet and joined the cast of Dancing with the Stars, Jon Gosselin is very, very unhappy. But don’t you worry — he’ll find his way back into the spotlight, even if he has to pull down his pants to do it. According to MSNBC

Playgirl magazine will not be [offering Gosselin] anything near the $100,000 Levi Johnston got for posing.

“We discussed it, and we’d offer him only $20,000,” Playgirl rep Daniel Nardicio told Life & Style.

His diminishing popularity has something to do with it. “His star is extinguishing, and honestly, it’d be more of a novelty than an actual sexy shoot,” Nardicio said.

I can’t believe Playgirl is balking at the chance to have Jon Gosselin pose nude. I’m sure there are a lot of gay men out there who would love to see a doughy, middle-aged Korean with bitch tits and stingray mouth artfully arrayed across the glossy pages of a magazine. The real trick here would be convincing the readers it’s not actually Margaret Cho. I can see how that might pose a problem.

Kate at a DWTS thing last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Dallas pilot Jake Pavelka revealed on last night’s Bachelor finale that he will be starring on the tenth season of ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars,” along with some other equally D-list has-beens and nobodies. People Magazine says

[The season ten cast includes] astronaut Buzz Aldrin, reality star Kate Gosselin, Olympic gold medalist Evan Lysacek, actresses [Shannon] Doherty and [Pamela] Anderson, Pussycat Dolls star Nicole Scherzinger, soap star Aiden Turner, NFL star Chad Ochocinco, ESPN’s Erin Andrews, and actress-comedian Niecy Nash.

The new Dancing season kicks off March 22 on ABC.

Well, the good news is that Kate Gosselin already has her very own Asian sweatshop at her disposal. That ought to save the DWTS costume department a fortune in lycra-polyester blends and manual labor.

It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.

Taylor as Kate Gosselin: