It’s no secret that I hate teenagers with a passion usually reserved for ethnic minorities and the New York Yankees. I hate their stupid text speak and their stupid acne-riddled faces. I hate their stupid Twilight franchise. I hate their impenetrable unawareness of what insufferable douchebags they are. So by all accounts, I should hate country singer Taylor Swift… but I don’t. In a world of egotistical oversexed Miley Cyruses and Britney Spearses, she remains humble, self-effacing, down-to-earth, and wholesomely cute. I can’t find anything bad to say about her. Trying to make fun of her is like trying to make fun of a burn victim with Down’s Syndrome. Not to say it can’t be done, but it really doesn’t feel all that great while you’re doing it. Sorta like having sex with an Asian dude.

Taylor as Kate Gosselin:

Since tomorrow’s Halloween, it just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t post a couple pictures of a celebrity in costume. Unfortunately, all the good parties won’t be until the weekend, so this is all I could scrounge up for today: Tyra Banks as a Kardashian on her show and as Kate Gosselin in Star Magazine. Bo-ring. Whereas I will be wearing a pair of fangs and two flesh-colored garbage sacks stuffed with disproportionate amounts of dry leaves around either side of my neck because I’m going as Count Sac-ula^TM for Halloween. Consider the Dick in a Box costume owned!

Jon Gosselin pocketed a nice chunk of change from “Entertainment Tonight” when he brought their cameras with him to twin daughters Mady and Cara’s birthday party yesterday afternoon. This would be the same guy who fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC last week on the grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” TMZ says

Jon struck a deal with a TV show to allow it to film his kids’ birthday party — [even though] Jon doesn’t want his kids filmed on “Kate Plus 8.” Kate’s lawyer, Mark Momjian, tells TMZ, “I’ve never seen a greater hallmark for hypocrisy personified.”

Jesus Christ. At this point, even a fucking ground squirrel would make a better dad than Jon Gosselin. And they’ve been known to eat their own young from time to time. Ten bucks says a ground squirrel would have at least spelled his daughter’s name right on the damn birthday cake.

In full douche attire while arriving to the party:

Long-gone are the days of matching dress shirts and Sears family portraits — Jon Gosselin is whining to anybody who’ll listen that his soon-to-be ex-wife Kate is preventing him from seeing twins Cara and Maddy on their 9th birthday. According to the NY Daily News

Jon claims she wrote an email to [him] saying, “Due to recent events, it will be too stressful to the kids to have both of us here as planned. I would like to split the evening so they can see us both.”

“She’s trying to prevent me from seeing my kids on their birthday because she doesn’t want to see me,” the dad claimed. “She can’t tell me what to do. I’m not going to allow it. I’m just going to stay. I own the house so I can do what I want.”

As for how he will behave once inside the family’s $1 million home, Jon said he will act like “my old self, as an avoider and passive.”

Did you get that? He’s an “avoider” and “passive.” Ah, the comfort of the psychobabble label! Is there any warmer a teat at which to suckle away any sense of personal responsibility for one’s actions? No, seriously. I’m really asking. God knows the tequila I’ve been nursing for the last six years sure isn’t doing me any favors.

Kate making fun of her controlling mommy image on Jay Leno last night:

Kate Gosselin has gone on the offensive after her soon-to-be ex-husband Jon secretly withdrew $230,000 from their joint bank account, violating their arbitrator’s rule and leaving Kate with only $1,000 to her name just one week after he shut down production of their only source of income, “Jon and Kate Plus Eight.” She told the Today Show this morning:

“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable. I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position. I have a stack of bills in my purse I can’t put in the mail.”

Kate says Jon, 32, has emptied their joint account – the one she uses to pay the bills and she says “contains all of our liquid money” – of all but $1,000 of the $231,000 that was in there, beginning on Aug. 10 and ending on Sept. 29.”

Under the rules of an arbitrator, neither spouse could take money from the account, but Kate, as the primary bill payer, could use it to pay bills provided she gave proof of her expenses.

With $230,000, you could upholster your entire bachelor pad with Ed Hardy prints and fill your whole swimming pool with 750,000 gallons of Axe deodorant body spray. That’s more than enough fabric for a rudimentary noose and plenty of douchewater in which to drown yourself. It’d be a real shame if he let all that perfectly good money go to waste.

Wasting some of his ill-gotten gains at the Ivy this weekend:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

Jon Gosselin fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC this morning demanding that any and all television production of “Kate Plus Eight” be halted, telling Entertainment Tonight that he suddenly realized his family “was like a trainwreck,” so he decided to “put the brakes on the divorce and on the show,” because if he didn’t, “the family would be in a mortal accident.” Hang on while I go get a shovel. His attorney writes in the letter:

A new program known as ‘Kate Plus 8′ would certainly require the acquiescence and consent not only of Kate Gosselin but Jon Gosselin, who is the father of the eight Gosselin children, which consent Jon has not given and if necessary, Jon is prepared to seek Court intervention to make sure his children’s best interests are protected.

Jon Gosselin unequivocally believes that his children’s continued participation in [TLC's] television production is ‘detrimental’ to his children. Accordingly, Jon expects that your client will cease and desist from any and all further production which includes his eight children.

Effective immediately no production crews are to enter Jon Gosselin’s family home for any reason. In the event that anyone enters the marital property, Jon Gosselin will notify the local authority to effectuate Police action against any trespassers.”

Coincidentally, Jon’s newfound interest in his marriage and his children’s well-being comes just two days after it was announced that he was fired from the show. I believe that’s what you call “cutting off your nose to spite your face.” On the plus side, he won’t have to worry about smelling all the bullshit that comes pouring out of his mouth that way.

Since it’s going to be hard to do the “Jon and Kate Plus 8″ show minus the Jon part (you don’t exactly need cable to watch a single mom struggle with a passel of brats for an hour — just try Denny’s on a Saturday morning), Kate Gosselin has already got her shrew-claws in another television business venture. According to Radar Online

Kate will be shooting the pilot for her new talk show this weekend. Kate is teaming up with Paula Deen for a show that is planned to have a mix of advice, health and beauty tips and celebrity gossip.

Right now the plan is to have multiple hosts with Paula and Kate. Comedian Sandra Bernhard and Tammy Lynn Michaels have both been considered for the job.

The show is based on the popular Web site Mom Logic.

“Mom Logic?” Isn’t that kind of an oxymoron? It’s pretty much common knowledge that once you pass the two-kid mark, you meet the legal requirements to be labeled “functionally insane.” How else do you justify eating something that fell on the ground as long as it’s within a five-second window or cleaning your loved ones with your own saliva in public? Without being homeless or part cat, I mean? You’re a mom, that’s how! It’s standard operating procedure to step out of the house with someone’s barf in your hair and two-day old diaper seepage on your pants. That’s why we drink.

She’s gone and cut that man right out of her hair — Jon and Kate Plus 8’s Kate Gosselin’s reverse mullet has finally been bushwhacked! Try not to piss yourself from excitement. According to UsWeekly

“Kate is a beautiful woman and I wanted to expand on her already famous locks and try something new, fun and whimsical,” hair stylist Lavette Slater [said]. “Kate Gosselin wasn’t afraid to mix up her trademark look.”

And apparently she isn’t afraid to shanghai skater punk’s look directly from 1985, either. All she’s missing is a couple of NOFX stickers and a VHS copy of “Bones Brigade” in her backpack. FAIL.

UPDATE: So she’s back to the old ‘do. Like you even really give a shit.

Arriving and leaving “The View” yesterday:

Her “interview” with Taylor Swift during the Hot Topics panel after the jump

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Remember the night cops were called to Jon Gosselin’s residence when he refused Kate entry to his home? It seems Kate’s 8-year-old daughters were the ones who made the call to their mother asking her to come get them because Jon was groping the babysitter and they didn’t like having to watch it. Ooh, Daddy likey! The kids, not so much. According to Star Magazine

Cara and Mady were so upset about Jon and sitter Stephanie Santoro — a wannabe nude model who he took on for sitting duties after meeting her in a bar — that they put in a panicked call to mom.

Kate rushed to the house but Jon wouldn’t let her in and cops were called after the parents of eight got into a screaming match.

So who is the latest woman in sleazy-stud Jon’s life? We have the full dirt from her ex-boyfriend, who calls her “crazy” and tells us: “That girl is a danger to the kids. My message to Kate would be to not allow her children to be around her.”

Wait, there’s more! Remember the Star Magazine reporter fired for doing sexy times with Jon? Now that he’s dumped her, she’s ready to talk. Kate Major told Life and Style Magazine

“Jon said he couldn’t be seen having a girlfriend, so he told me to drive to a neighbor’s house after midnight, when the kids were asleep. He said he’d pick me up on his four-wheeler, take me to his house and drop me off again at 6 a.m.

I was shocked and said, ‘No, I don’t feel right doing that. What if the kids wake up?’ He was like, ‘They’re not going to notice, they’re not going to see anything.’ He wasn’t nervous about it — I was.”

And of Jon’s relationship with Kate’s plastic surgeon’s daughter Hailey Glassman, she adds:

“When we were in the Hamptons, we were planning to go to Las Vegas. Now he’s taking Hailey — and that was a trip we had planned together. Jon told [me] he was going to Massachusetts to break up with [Glassman]. But when he left on June 23, [he] shut his phone off. When he finally called [me] back, he said ‘he needed to be single.’ He totally screwed me over and acted like a dirtbag.”

Well, good for him. Jon’s really doing his part to make sure that his daughters understand that a father’s love is conditional and their self-worth is really at the mercy of his wiener. It’s not like porn stars and strippers grow on trees, you know. Everybody’s gotta start somewhere!

With Hailey in France:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I’m not sure who told Heather Mills that it would be a good idea to get Kate Gosselin’s haircut, but that person deserves to be punched in the face.  Or possibly they deserve a million dollars.  On the one hand, it doesn’t really help anything to give a peg-legged golddigger one of the worst head suits mankind is capable of dreaming up, but on the other hand… HAHAHAHA she just looks so ridiculous!  It looks like she got wasted and cut her own hair with a Slap Chop!  Also, it amuses me endlessly that there is apparently a cranial uniform for money-hungry famewhoring control freaks.

I don’t want to go pointing fingers here, but I’m pretty sure Droopy could sue Kate Gosselin’s ass for copyright infringement. That’s a blatant ripoff right there.

Jon and Kate Gosselin announced on their hit TLC reality show “Jon & Kate Plus 8″ yesterday that they are “separating.” Didn’t see that one coming, did ya? Us Weekly says

“Kate and I have decided to separate,” Jon announced, calling Monday’s episode his “hardest” show ever. “It’s just not good for us to be arguing in front of our kids.”

Jon said he doesn’t know if he’ll remain on the show.

But Kate said, “The show must go on. I will continue to be here, be with the kids, do the same things I’ve always done with them.”

Let me get this straight here… you’re saying that inviting a camera crew and a legion of television producers into your home is NOT good for your marriage? Jesus H. Christ! What, I suppose “including the neighbors in group sex sessions” and “beating your significant other with a shoe horn” aren’t good for family cohesiveness, either? My God. It’s like I just don’t know what to believe anymore.