I already told you about this four months ago, but it’s finally being confirmed — Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are dating. Page Six says

The blond actress was photographed at Friday’s game, cheering on the Bronx Bombers at the new Yankee Stadium.

But the real action came later that night at Mustang Grill on Second Avenue… [when a] bartender at the Southwestern joint “[asked] patrons not to go in the back room around 1 a.m. because A-Rod and Kate Hudson were back there making out.”

One staffer at the restaurant confirmed the two were there celebrating… although she did not witness any lip-lock herself.

The two were [also] spotted over the weekend outside the glamorous 15 Central Park West, where A-Rod rents an apartment.

For the record, making out with a guy in the back of a bar does NOT mean you’re dating him. It just means he picked up the tab. Am I right, ladies?

At the Costume Institute Gala earlier this month:

DT magazine has some kind of pinup theme for their April ‘09 issue, apparently.  I didn’t actually read any of the details, because it was all in Spanish and my Spanish is approximately at the level of a remedial toddler from Cordoba.  Hell, I’m barely even literate in English.  I don’t know what you bitches want from me.  Just shut up and look at the pictures of ladies in lingerie.

The header image is Molly Sims.  Below, from left to right: Kate Hudson, Cindy Crawford, Elisha Cuthbert, Kate Walsh and Jennifer Morrison.

Now that Madonna isn’t as interested in him anymore, Yankee star Alex Rodriguez is moving on to greener pastures. Or at least less gristly, placenta-scented pastures. According to Page Six

Last week he took Kate Hudson out on a date. Our spy says they had a three-hour meal at the Lure Fishbar… and were “very cozy.” Later, A-Rod went with Hudson to the Rose Bar, where they met up with her friend Ron Burkle.

I don’t know how A-Rod will handle dating a woman who couldn’t beat him in an arm-wrestling contest. For Chrissake, his ex-wife looked like Juggernaut with breast implants and a cheap wig, and Madonna could easily pass for the She-Hulk. And I know what you’re thinking here: why hasn’t there been a Juggernaut vs. the She-Hulk in any of the Marvel comic books? And to that I would credit the failure of the Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk comic book miniseries, in which Wolverine is contracted by Nick Fury to assassinate the Hulk between Ultimate X-Men issues 69 and 71 and before Ultimates 2 issue 11. There was supposed to be one new major Ultimate character introduced (rumor has it it was Ultimate She-Hulk), but after only two issues, the series was canked, thereby taking with it any chances for a Juggernaut vs. She-Hulk epic battle. So there you have it. And for the record, I did have sex with an actual man that one time, no matter what the guys in my Jedi Council forum might have told you. Trust them do not, for liars they are!

At the People’s Choice Awards last week:

Dozens of female celebrities and actresses — from the Olsen Twins to supermodel Cindy Crawford — get almost-naked in photographer Timothy White’s new book “Hollywood Pinups” ($39.95, Collins Design). Actress Angie Harmon, seen above, gets the most naked of all, but not just because naked hot chicks are awesome. The collection of naughty photos is actually a charitable endeavor — 100% of the proceeds go to fight global poverty. And, it seems, to aid those without an impetus to masturbate. Statistics indicate it’s the biggest problem currently facing males age 14-73 in our nation today! Won’t you do your part and get naked, too? I say it’s time to stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution, ladies!

Now that her vagina has lain dormant for a grueling three weeks, Kate Hudson has magically rekindled the “closeness” she once had with her ex-husband, Chris Robinson. Just how close, you ask? Well, genital contact close. She tells the October issue of Cosmo

“Look — [Chris and I are] still basically living together! We’ve figured it out. I mean, obviously, nothing’s perfect, but I could never look at [our divorce] as a mistake. If anything, it’s the best thing that ever happened to us.”

Trust me, the only way their child could be any more scarred by all this is if he started brushing his teeth with a curling iron and juggling knitting needles on the interstate. At least when you lose an eye to the ol’ knit-and-pearl you never have to consider how your mom’s insatiable need for cock factored into your current family dynamic.

Since Lance Armstrong dumped her ass last month, Kate Hudson’s been chasing down ex-beau Owen Wilson for some good old-fashioned penis action. A source told Star Magazine

“[Owen] was frosty at first. He felt betrayed when she dumped him for his friend Lance. But after a while, he caved in and has been sweet to her.”

Friends worry that Owen (who tried to commit suicide in 2007 after splitting from Kate the first time) will once again fall under [her] spell. It’s not fair to Owen, because he really cares for her and ends up getting hurt.”

You’d be better off sticking your wiener in a garlic press than inside Kate Hudson. At least the garlic press doesn’t come with a kid and ears that double as satellite dishes.

In Beverly Hills August 13th:

Listen up, ladies — active-wear skort sets are no longer just for room mothers and Sunday school teachers. Actress Kate Hudson debuts the latest in frump fashion while playing volleyball on the beach yesterday. You can almost smell the Monistat from here! Fanny pack, tennis shoes and terrycloth visor sold separately. Spinster Wear^TM — because menopause and mysterious lumps are only a decade away!

Kate Hudson made it four days after getting dumped by Lance Armstrong before being photographed sucking face with ex-husband Chris Robinson. Yep, four whole days! This has to be some kind of new record. A source told OK! Magazine

“They were really affectionate with each other and gave each other a kiss which lasted much longer then a platonic kiss should last — 20 seconds, maybe a little longer. The kiss was more than just friends. They seemed like something more going on.”

A pal of Kate’s tells OK!, “She and Chris have always been close and she turns to her exes after most of her breakups.

This reminds me of that classic fairy tale “Donkey Cabbages:”

A huntsman gave an old woman alms. She told him if he swallowed the heart of the dead bird, he would find a gold coin by his pillow every morning. He came to a castle where an old witch lived with her beautiful daughter. The witch knew about the bird’s heart and gave the man a drink, and the bird’s heart came up.

The huntsmen rode off on a cloud [that] bore him a cabbage garden and he ate some. It turned him into a donkey. He found a different patch of cabbage, which turned him back into a man. He took both kinds of cabbage back to the castle and gave [some to the witch and her daughter] and they became donkeys. The huntsmen sold the donkeys to a miller, telling him to give the old one one meal a day and three beatings, and the youngest three meals and no beatings.

After a time, he came back. The miller told him that the oldest was dead. The huntsman bought the youngest donkey and turned her back into a woman. They married.

Now, doesn’t that tale remind you of Kate Hudson? Not because of the actual story or anything. Because the term “donkey cabbage” is such a good euphemism for Kate Hudson’s vagina. I don’t imagine you take turns playing host to that much cock without a little labial droopage and bunching from time to time.

In Santa Monica July 14th:

The three-month romance between cyclist Lance Armstrong and actress Kate Hudson is already over. According to Page Six

Sources said they tried to make it work, but the constant bickering and their travel schedules drove them apart. Hudson made a last-ditch effort last week, traveling to see her beau in Ohio, but “they both decided it wasn’t feasible,” a friend said.The couple had a big blowout a week ago and Armstrong stormed off - “They didn’t talk for like five days.”

This doesn’t really come as a surprise. We all know who her real soul mate is. Like a moth to a flame or a Spears to a ranch dressing hose or a dog to its own vomit, Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson are innately drawn together by the cosmic force known as “destiny.” Not to be confused with that stripper from Scores that gave Owen the VD. That was Destinee with two e’s.

Playing tennis at Pacific Palisades earlier this month:

Kate Hudson was caught doing it with Lance Armstrong in the bathroom at a party in Cannes. According to Showbiz Spy

A witness spoke to Hudson in the bathroom at a Dolce & Gabbana event when Armstrong walked out of one of the cubicles. The source said: “I asked her what she was doing. Kate blushed and laughed - and then Lance walked out of a stall topless!”

Just a reminder: every time a person flushes a toilet without a lid, a fine mist of feces or urine (or both, if you’re lucky) sprays out in a ten foot radius from the bowl and coats everything in sight with a nice thick layer of piss and shit. Interesting side note: the average public stall is only 36 inches wide. Ten foot radius. I’ll give you a minute to do the math here. Take your time. Pretty sexy, huh? In fact, I’d say the only thing sexier than doing it in a public restroom is maybe doing it in a truck stop shower after Daytona Bike Week. Those bastards really know how to get down and dirty.

At the Dolce and Gabanna party on Friday:

Kate Hudson has dumped Owen Wilson for seven-times Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Kate flew to Lance’s Texas home on Friday for weekend filled with romance and absolutely no suicide watches. The Daily Mail says

“When Kate was with Owen, she got to know Lance really well but they hooked up again recently at a dinner party thrown by a mutual friend and that’s when the romance began. They have both been keeping it very quiet. Kate and Lance have been dating for a couple of weeks. She and Lance are both physical, passionate people – she’s never been happier.”

Well, if you’re going to start dating Lance Armstrong, you need to steer clear of several trigger phrases that are well-known to upset him. I can’t stress this enough. I keep a handy list in my pocket at all times, just in case I come back as a bicycle or a desperate slut in my next life. I present to you

10. The expression “you’re really on the ball today!” Try “you’re exceedingly capable” or “good job” instead.

9. Patrick Ball, legend of Celtic harp and spoken word. Enough said.

8. “The ball’s in your court.” Um, no it’s not, you insensitive jerk.

7. “The ol’ ball and chain.” Is that some kind of “Lance Armstrong on a bicycle” joke? Shame on you, sir. Shame on you.

6. “Ball pythons.” Just trust me on this one.

5. “Ball State University.” The Mid-American Conference upsets most people, actually.

4. “Break your balls.” Oh, aren’t they broken enough for you?

3. “Ballindalloch Castle.” Frankly, it was never the same after the first Marquess of Montrose burned it to the ground.

2. “Ball Park Franks.” They plump when you cook ‘em.

1. “Testing for Erythropoietin Stimulating Agents.” Also the “Union Cycliste Internationale” and the “World Anti-Doping Agency.” Those guys are a bunch of serious hard-ons.

Kate at the “Fool’s Gold” premiere last month with Matthew McConaughey:

Just two months after having rekindled their relationship, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have broken up. Insiders credit the split to Kate’s not being down with Owen having threesomes with Vince Vaughn, while Vince Vaughn credits the split to Kate being such a “ball and fucking chain, bro.” According to People Magazine

Wilson [had] been spotted letting loose… on May 11, [when he] dropped by N.Y.C.’s Upstairs with two women. The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde.

Says a Hudson source: “She feels dumb thinking it was so serious.”

Well, nothing says “seriously repentant” like another suicide attempt. It worked before, right? This time he should go with a little more gusto, like deep throating a shotgun. Something that will leave a disfiguring scar, so that every time she opens her mouth to bitch about those harmless little orgies, she’ll be staring down a grotesque visual reminder of how much he really loves her. Sorta like Van Gogh, only with way less balls and Kolmogorovian turbulence.

Most beautiful in last month’s People: