Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan was arrested for the second time in less than a week after he violated the restraining order obtained by ex-girlfriend Kate Major for knocking her around when she refused to give him a blowjob. Oh, but wait — there’s more! When the cops showed up, he tried to escape his hotel room by jumping off a 3rd-story balcony into a fucking tree. TMZ says:

Tampa police responded to a call early this morning from Kate, who claimed Michael had been trying to contact her by phone and wouldn’t leave her alone.

Officers interviewed Kate at her apartment after she made the call — the same apartment where Michael allegedly bruised her up earlier this week — and while they were there, Michael allegedly called again.

Officers believed Michael was a “threat,” so they rolled up to his hotel to arrest him…. but Michael tried to escape by hopping his 3rd story balcony but fell 34 feet to the ground, crashing onto some wooden chairs, and then he tried to hide in some trees.

After officers pulled him down, Michael was placed under arrest for violating a condition of his pretrial release and resisting arrest without violence.

In the last week, Lindsay Lohan’s mother has shopped around a tell-all book about her and her father’s been arrested twice, and Lindsay’s been taking off her clothes for money because she can’t afford her lifestyle or the drug habit that’s aging her at an exponential rate. It’s all just so fucking sad, man. It’s like a Shakespearean tragedy, except set in New Jersey trailer park.

The couple in happier, blow-jobbier times:

Remember the night cops were called to Jon Gosselin’s residence when he refused Kate entry to his home? It seems Kate’s 8-year-old daughters were the ones who made the call to their mother asking her to come get them because Jon was groping the babysitter and they didn’t like having to watch it. Ooh, Daddy likey! The kids, not so much. According to Star Magazine

Cara and Mady were so upset about Jon and sitter Stephanie Santoro — a wannabe nude model who he took on for sitting duties after meeting her in a bar — that they put in a panicked call to mom.

Kate rushed to the house but Jon wouldn’t let her in and cops were called after the parents of eight got into a screaming match.

So who is the latest woman in sleazy-stud Jon’s life? We have the full dirt from her ex-boyfriend, who calls her “crazy” and tells us: “That girl is a danger to the kids. My message to Kate would be to not allow her children to be around her.”

Wait, there’s more! Remember the Star Magazine reporter fired for doing sexy times with Jon? Now that he’s dumped her, she’s ready to talk. Kate Major told Life and Style Magazine

“Jon said he couldn’t be seen having a girlfriend, so he told me to drive to a neighbor’s house after midnight, when the kids were asleep. He said he’d pick me up on his four-wheeler, take me to his house and drop me off again at 6 a.m.

I was shocked and said, ‘No, I don’t feel right doing that. What if the kids wake up?’ He was like, ‘They’re not going to notice, they’re not going to see anything.’ He wasn’t nervous about it — I was.”

And of Jon’s relationship with Kate’s plastic surgeon’s daughter Hailey Glassman, she adds:

“When we were in the Hamptons, we were planning to go to Las Vegas. Now he’s taking Hailey — and that was a trip we had planned together. Jon told [me] he was going to Massachusetts to break up with [Glassman]. But when he left on June 23, [he] shut his phone off. When he finally called [me] back, he said ‘he needed to be single.’ He totally screwed me over and acted like a dirtbag.”

Well, good for him. Jon’s really doing his part to make sure that his daughters understand that a father’s love is conditional and their self-worth is really at the mercy of his wiener. It’s not like porn stars and strippers grow on trees, you know. Everybody’s gotta start somewhere!

With Hailey in France:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin