Today has been unbelievably boring, I know. I was actually starting to feel a little… bad about it. But then I remembered I had still had half a bottle of tequila under the driver’s seat of the Yugo. Problem solved! So shut up and enjoy Kate Moss‘ nipples, crybabies.

All nips at the Yves St Laurent fashion show afterparty:

PHOTO CREDIT: Bauer-Griffin Online

V Magazine proclaims it’s “Lady Gaga’s World” on the cover of their September issue, on which Lady Gaga appears to be mid-fart and full black-face. Oh, and Gaga? 1971 Malibu Barbie called. She wants to know if anyone still thinks that joke’s funny. ‘Cause I sure as hell do!

Whoever smelt it, dealt it:

And for shits and giggles (mostly shits), Kate Moss in next month’s UK V Magazine (thumb 9 NSFW):

Ten years ago, the words “Kate Moss and Karen Mulder topless” would have definitely been a big deal. Of course, so would “Chumbawamba” and “Y2K.” It’s amazing the difference a decade makes.

All thumbs NSFW:

Are you one of the many unemployed, collecting your little pathetic unemployment check? Have you had to cut your spending, or are you worrying about losing your house? Well Kate Moss has way bigger problems than you, cupcake! Digital Spy reports,

Kate Moss has said that it would be a “major fashion faux pas” if she wore the same outfit as other stars at an event.

Speaking on upcoming MTV documentary Topshop NYC in 24 Hours, the model told Topshop boss Sir Philip Green that she had to have a unique dress for a launch, The Mirror reports.

Holding a green dress, Moss said: “Don’t you dare let anyone else wear that one. And I did ‘the look’ then. Don’t, because if you do it will be a disaster.

“If we sell too many of these and someone turns up wearing the same dress as me… you might have to take this one off the rack. What if I turn up and there are seven girls in it?”

She added: “We are gonna have to make some calls to make sure I am not turning up in the same dress as 17 other people, which would be a major fashion faux pas.”

If she’s worried about having a unique dress, I’ll gladly volunteer to take care of her wardrobe. There’s this fabulous new material called ForceFlex from the House of Hefty. It’s very clingy and sexy! I also can recommend some great heels from designer Semente Overshoos. Then she can sashay down the catwalk at Pier 14 and party with the fishes.

On her way home after dinner, probably to throw it up when she gets there

Ever heard that old joke that goes, “What’s better than a supermodel in a swimsuit?” Well, just so you know, the answer is supposed to be “SIX supermodels in a swimsuit.” If you answer “A pocket full of roofies and a hand-held video camera,” everyone stars staring at you all weird and covering their drinks.

From V Magazine’s first ever swimsuit issue starring Kate Moss, Gisele Bundchen, Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell, Eva Herzigova, and Daria Werbowy:

As ever, when I’m runnin’ this road show, it heralds the triumphant return of Lily Allen Cutewatch ‘09!  Lily performed at Shepherds Bush Empire in London on Saturday, where she was, of course, dressed like an adorable lunatic.  After the concert, Lily left with Kate Moss and went to a birthday party for Lois Winstone, who turned 24.  I’m not going to bother with any pictures of Kate Moss or Lois Winstone, because I don’t care about them and that would be a lot of wasted effort on people who don’t matter.

Lily matters, because she’s cute as hell:

Super mole model Kate Moss showed up at mogul Sir Philip Green’s 57th birthday party in London last night in a leather-trimmed tuxedo jacket sans bra or shirt. If you’re getting a sense of déjà vu here, it’s because it’s the same clothes from her Yves St. Laurent shoot earlier that day. Or it could be you’ve seen that very image that time your Uncle Pauly forgot to cinch up his bathrobe. The only difference is there’s no gold chain or masses of chest hair.

With Karl Lagerfeld in Paris earlier that day:

Admist all the talk about her being pregnant, Kate Moss has come out and said that she is NOT pregnant, but has only put on a few pounds. The Sun reports,

The model, 35, who was rumoured to be due in August, said she was wearing bras for the first time.

But she feared her boyfriend, The Kills rocker Jamie Hince, 39, might not like her new B-cup shape.

Kate said: “Even my friends are phoning me up and saying, ‘Are you pregnant?’

“No! I just put on a couple of pounds and they went in the right place. Isn’t it weird?”

The mum of one, who is launching a range of undies for Topshop, added: “It’s great timing for my lingerie collection. I am a woman now.

“My boyfriend might not like them. I’m a bit worried.”

Bigger boobs, ay? So is she growing a third boob in her abdomen? She and Lily Allen and her third nipple should go and join the circus together. I have no idea to believe anymore. I think it’s a bit strange that she’d be talking to the media about her boobs being bigger and not knowing if her boyfriend would like them or not. And what’s up with that? Is he one of those sick bastards who’s into women who have the bodies of 12 year old boys or what, and now won’t be into her now that she’s “a woman”?

Kate and her boob triadsharing a pantsuit in London:

I guess being with Pete Doherty wasn’t enough to scare Kate Moss’ uterus into self-destructing, because she is reportedly 3 months pregnant with The Kills guitarist Jamie Hince’s spawn. Though, you’ve got to admit, he’s not much better looking than Pete Doherty, but at least he doesn’t look like a blobfish. He’s got more of a Smeagol before becoming Gollum look going on, my precious. Hopefully Kate can lay off the drugs and poppers for the rest of her pregnancy or she might give birth to a barrow-wight or something.

Kate and Jamie leaving Lily Allen’s gig at KOKO club in London. Is that a mole or a pimple on Jamie’s nose?

Supermodel Kate Moss was photographed with an obvious baby bump while on a date with her toad of a boyfriend earlier this week. The NY Daily News says

Normally a fan of skintight clothes, the 34-year-old is favoring baggy shirts, oversized coats and belly-blocking purses these days. Moss gave her nanny a huge Christmas bonus this year, telling her that her workload is expected to double in 2009.

The catwalker just returned from a holiday vacation in Thailand, where she was photographed with a cigarette in one hand and a Heineken in the other.

I’m sure that smoke and that beer were just part of her carefully orchestrated ruse to fool the paparazzi. It’s hard enough to smoke and not have some stranger make a big production of coughing and fanning the air and acting like you’re giving them cancer right then and there. Try lighting up with baby belly and see how far you get. Some jackass in a track suit actually slapped the cigarette out of my hand this one time I was pregnant and told me I had no right to expose my poor baby to carcinogens like that. So I of course made the point that if I wanted to, I could still legally have this baby diced into bits and vacuumed out of my snatch, so a little cigarette smoke was just chump change. Check and mate, asswipe!

With rumored fiance Jamie Hince in London::

Supermodel Kate Moss hit up Surin Beach in Thailand last week with The Kills’ guitarist Jamie Hince. I guess her bra never made it past customs. Assuming of course that that pink blobby thing under there is supposed to be a nipple on a breast. It could just as easily be a robust skin tag or an extra pinky toe growing out of a mound of fibrous connective tissues. Carnies have to come from somewhere, you know?

Holiday shopping can be so stressful, so how’s a girl to manage? Well, if you’re Kate Moss, you can always get a nice cheap bottle of isopropyl nitrite.

Kate was seen clutching a bottle of Buzz, commonly known as a “popper”, or what the websites that sell them call them, “room deodorizers” (Ha). Wikipedia’s entry on the subject lists the effects as:

head rush, euphoria, uncontrollable laughter or giggling, and other sensations that result from the blood pressure drop are often felt to increase sexual arousal and desire. At the same time, the relaxation of the sphincters of the anus and vagina can make penetration easier. It is widely reported that poppers can enhance and prolong orgasms.

Today’s woman has to be ready for ANY situation. You never know when you might need to have a loose sphincter. Be Prepared, that’s what Girl Scouts taught me.