Inspired by Kathy Freston’s book “Quantum Wellness,” talk show host Oprah Winfrey has decided to go vegan for 21 days and blog the entire meat-detoxification journey. Us Weekly obtained a few excerpts from her blog, which I’ve taken the liberty of translating for you. Oprah says:

“Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying!

Translation: Unbelievable gas.

I had been focused on what I had to give up — sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese.

Translation: Did I mention the diarrhea?

‘What’s left?’ I thought.

Translation: It sounds like I’m unloading a tommy gun on the toilet. And the burning. Oh, God — the burning.

Apparently a lot.

Translation: My anus literally smokes when I’m finished.

I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight.

Translation: Can still clear a room from fifty paces. Seventy-five if I’ve had sprouts. People are starting to avoid me.

This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”

Translation: I’m in hell, and my rectum is the devil.

You, too, could join in the meat-detox process like Kathy and Oprah, or you could just stick an lit M-80 in your pooper and give the ol’ colon a run for its money. I’d say they’re equally fun endeavors.