Katie Holmes took Suri Cruise shopping for dolls and/or doll-related crap at the American Girl store, and Suri gave a special sort of hello.  Either lil Suri has had it up to here with the paparazzi, or she has a preternaturally adult understanding of how creepy dolls are with their glassy eyes that are always staring at you and following you around the room and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME, DOLL, WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Suri knows what I’m talkin’ about.  Here she is, flippin’ the bird, telling the dolls and the paparazzi and probably all the rest of us to fuck right off:

Tom Cruise’s upgrade from Model 487A “Soccer Mom Short” to model 860X “Joey Potter Revisited” at the Japanese premiere of “Valkyrie” didn’t come cheap. Apparently, it takes sixty thousand dollars to get a robot wife as realistic-looking as Katie Holmes. The Daily Mail says

It took six hours to have long hair extensions put in, which came with a [$4,000] price tag. She also apparently spent [$14,000] in spa treatments, [$40,000] in dental veneers and further [$2,000] for premium make-up.

And one observer [said], ‘She didn’t have a wrinkle on her face, her hair was perfect, and she had the body of a supermodel.

You know, if Tom could have scrounged up just $18,000 more, he could have gotten the model he really wanted. The X2000 with the penis and scrotum attachment and the vibrating kung fu grip. I guess even Hollywood isn’t immune to this economy.

Leaving Cristoni Restaurant in Beverly Hills with her old hair and lots o’ leg:

Your wait is finally over, folks — Kevin Federline’s children’s clothing line is about to become a reality! The former backup dancer-turned-rapper is in talks with Gerard Guez about obtaining a bonafide licensing deal in the near future. Woman’s Wear Daily quotes K-Fed as saying

“I’m trying to make a quality product for kids but not have parents pay like $500 or something ridiculous for a pair of jeans. You buy your kids a pair of True Religions then they roll around in the dirt like kids do and a $200 pair of jeans is gone. With this economy, I’m looking to do something much more reasonable.”

There are lots better ways of letting your kid know you hate him other than sending him to school in K-Fashion. You could hit him with a belt over and over again while asking why he didn’t go down the drain with the rest of the afterbirth, for example. Some people just have no business being parents.

Katie Holmes’ reaction to news of the K-Fashion:

Tom Cruise and counterpart Katie Holmes treated Suri (oh yeah and Connor too–but who cares about him, right?) to a magical Valentine’s Day at Walt Disney World. It’s always great fun to escape one fanciful reality for another one, I always say. Disneyland will do for the Cruises until Xenuland is done. There’ll be all sorts of out-of-this-world attractions, like the Body Thetan Blaster, where you can blast those pesky clustering alien spirits, the Audacious Auditor, where your head is harnessed up to a helmet and then blasted with 50,000 volts (it’s a LOT more fun than it sounds) and simultaneously poked with a cattle prod up your rectum, and don’t let’s forget about the hourly showings of the Space Opera, where you can see for yourself just how thetans got trapped in a meat body! Regular amusement park fare will be served, along with more exotic delicacies, like deep-fried placenta on a stick! Mmm, I can smell it now!

Tom Cruise and wife Model #4773A Katie Holmes are in Brazil this week for the premiere of Tom’s movie Valkyrie, and I’m sure you noticed that there’s something different about them. Namely, that Tom looks like he was irradiated by the detonation of a gamma bomb and Katie looks like she should be hunched over a bowl of gruel with flies in the corners of her eyes. Must be something in the water.

At the premiere of Valkyrie:

Hello, my little elves!  It’s Sarah today.  How were your holidays?  Mine were excellent; I only got arrested twice (just once if you only count felonies).

So anyway, you know how Tom Cruise has been on a crazycakes bender since… uhh, ever?  And remember how he’s systematically drained wife Katie Holmes of any semblance of personality or youthful vigor, and in three short years has turned her from a cutie-pie to a cold-sore-riddled, worn-out scarecrow?  And of course, there’s the fact that Suri’s a socially maladjusted weirdo in the making because she has no friends?

Well, it seems none of that constitutes failure on a level spectacular enough for Tom Cruise.  He told the Sun UK that he wants ten children:

When it comes to large celebrity families, the Brangelina clan’s score of six kids is tough to beat.

Cruise, though, reveals that he would like to have TEN.

In an exclusive interview with The Sun, the Hollywood superstar talks about how he loves being a father and why the 16-year age gap with his third wife Katie Holmes is not a problem.

Tom grins: “I want ten children. I love kids. I feel really fortunate to have the teenagers and a two and a half-year-old. It’s a great dynamic.”

Trim and remarkably young looking for a man in his mid-forties, Tom reckons he is more than able to keep up with his young wife. Commenting on the age gap, he says: “If I’m worried about anything, it’s if she can keep up with me. I’m very active.”

Jesus Christ, he’s gonna wring poor Katie dry with this mission to turn her into an incubator for Xenu.  She’s already kinda broken with just the one kid right now.  Look, here she is dressed in ill-fitting shorts and stirrup tights in NYC in the middle of winter:

Katie “Kate” Holmes was spotted out and about in New York yesterday with a crusty wad of herpetic boils in the corner of her mouth. Finally, a challenger worthy of Amy Winehouse in the disgusting facial scab department! Ugh. With the cold sores and the haircut and the winter coat, she’s one pair of fingerless gloves and roaring trashcan fire away from being a British street urchin in a Dickens’ story. Crust o’ bread, govnah? Spot o’ tea? Pip pip cheerio, mates!

Katie Holmes was photographed leaving her New York apartment a few days ago with a set of snagglers that rivaled Kirsten Dunst’s. God damn. What happened to her lovely Hollywood smile? Did she fall gums-first into a pile of broken tile? Maybe lose a fight with a chipping wedge or a power sander? First the hair, and now this. Being married to Tom Cruise must be like being married to a damn Nazgûl. Only with more maniacal laughing and obligatory butt sex.

Although her play won’t officially open until October 16th, Katie Holmes began previews for her Broadway debut in All My Sons last night. On hand for Katie’s big night? A shitload of anti-Scientology protestors with masks and picket signs and presumably, a death wish. According to Us Weekly

Around 20 demonstrators (many in masks) staged a protest, shouting “Free Katie” and holding signs that screamed “How many more must die?” A demonstrator insisted, “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play - we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

But Holmes… seemed undeterred.

By “undeterred” they must have meant “stuck on autopilot.” I’m pretty sure it’s the only setting Katie’s allowed other than “ovulate” and “smile like you mean it.”

Dawson’s Creek vet and ex-boyfriend Joshua Jackson surprised his former co-star/girlfriend Katie Holmes with a bouquet of flowers while she rehearsed All My Sons on Broadway yesterday. Glibby glib glib glib! I smell a Today Show-style meltdown! The Daily Mail says

‘Katie has been looking skinny and depressed and rather than do nothing Joshua wanted to check everything was OK,’ a source [said]. ‘They haven’t spoken in a while and he was worried. So he just decided to drop by. It was really sweet, he just turned up unexpectedly with a bunch of flowers and said: ‘Hello stranger.’ Katie was shocked, but so happy to see him. It was a wonderful surprise. She gave him such a big hug.’

Jackson wanted to reassure the 29-year-old that she still had friends of her own age and outside of Scientology. ‘Joshua made it clear she wasn’t alone. He’s not out to cause trouble. Her life is truly bizarre now. Josh would love to see Katie as the carefree and relaxed woman he once knew.’

What do you want to bet that Joshua’s little “concerned gesture” just bought Katie another 12 hours in the chamber? Clockwork Orange headdress, L. Ron Hubbard on continuous loop, ice-water head-dunking, the works. At the very least he’s rewiring some of the circuits and switching her to solar cell. Think of the money he’ll save in the long run!

Out and about in New York Sept 4th:

Twenty-two disability groups are protesting Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder,” with the spokesman for the Special Olympics going as far as to call for a boycott of the film. Seriously, retards have no sense of humor. That’s why no one ever invites them to parties. Co-writer Ethan Cohen explained to Us Weekly

“Some people have taken this as making fun of handicapped people, but we’re really trying to make fun of the actors who use this material as fodder for acclaim. The last thing you want is for people to think you’re making fun of the victims in this who are having their lives turned into fodder for people to win Oscar.”

And a spokesman for DreamWorks said:

“No changes or cuts to the film will be made. Tropic Thunder is an R-rated comedy that satirizes Hollywood and its excesses, and makes its point by featuring inappropriate and over-the top characters in ridiculous situations. The film is in no way meant to disparage or harm the image of individuals with disabilities.”

Then he added, “Look, if it makes you people happy, Tom Cruise came to the premiere dressed like a retard, okay? Take a look at his goddamn sneakers. That’s short bus if I ever saw it. Stuff that in your wheel locks and drool on it.”

Early forties Katie sans the ‘tard — who has a small cameo in the film — on the red carpet last night:

The mystery behind Katie Holmes’ ridiculously baggy tight-rolled jeans has finally been revealed. According to Us Weekly

Katie Holmes hasn’t just been wearing men’s jeans on recent NYC outings – the couple’s stylist confirms that [she is wearing husband Tom] Cruise’s Prps Jeans!

“Prps has adapted the style for women in the new fall collection as the Boyfriend jean,” [says] Kim Dillard, a rep for Prps Jeans. “It’s the new look Katie is going for.”

A reason Holmes has been rolling them up? She’s 5′9″ and Cruise is 5′7″.

You really can’t blame poor Kate. By now she’s been brainwashed to do whatever Tommy Boy tells her to do. Letting herself be impregnated by that really uncomfortable chicken baster, getting her hair cut into a quasi-androgynous bob, wearing the strap-on. So what’s wearing Tom’s pegged jeans? Any day now we can expect Tom to announce the startling news that Katie was born a hermaphrodite. Praise Xenu!