Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes hit the photo booth at the Vanity Fair Oscars after-party to make sure there was a blatant display of heterosexuality captured on film that his agent could mass-release to the media. Look, their lips are touching and everything! How could Tom be anything other than straight? Passion like that can’t be faked!
Hands-down the best Katie Holmes has EVER looked. And I of course mean “hands-down” in the “in your pants” kinda way. That’s usually how I mean just about everything.
New campaign for jeweler H. Stern:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Charlie Sheen surprised everybody when he presented the Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series at the Emmy Awards last night, and not just because he appeared to have recently bathed and taken his meds, but because he had nothing but kinds words for his former cast members (video of his speech after the jump). The Daily Mail says:
Sheen stunned the audience when he declared: “I want to take a moment to get something off my chest and say a few words to everybody at Two and a Half Men.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season. We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television.”
So naturally, right after he presented the award, the network had already arranged for “Two and a Half Men” stars Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher to take the stage. Gotta have that water cooler moment carefully orchestrated, because drama equals ratings! Except that Charlie Sheen didn’t precipitate any drama — he stopped short of crying and apologizing while pulling up his pants — so it sorta just made Cryer and Kutcher look like jackasses:
The two poked fun at Charlie with Cryer opening their bit by joking: ‘Hello, I’m that guy from Pretty in Pink.’
Then Kutcher chimed in saying: ‘I am not Charlie Sheen’, as he looked at Cryer he added: ‘Jon, I want to tell you something. I do not think that you are a troll,’ referring to a insult Charlie levied at his former co-star a few months ago.
But both they and the audience had been wrong-footed by the sincere, and incredibly sad words from the man who once branded himself a ‘warlock.’
Juxtaposed with this contrite monologue, their routine almost seemed like a cheap dig – proving that Sheen still knows how to steal a show when you least expect it.
Charlie even told Matt Lauer last week that he was “open” to the idea of returning for a cameo on the show. Talk about a complete 180. He must have found out the hard way that he couldn’t pay for whores and cocaine with #WINNING t-shirts and trash bags full of fake tiger blood.
And now, for some of the worst dresses of the night, starting with Gwyneth Paltrow:
Heidi Klum:
Katie Holmes:
Lea Michele:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
I thought this was one of those things like on soap operas where one day the baby is a baby and the next day it’s a walking-and-talking five-year old. Like nobody would notice that Suri looked, oh, six years older at the premiere of “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark” last night. But then I read the tags on the pics and saw that it was actually some kid named Bailee Madison, but by then I had already uploaded the pictures. I’m as much a victim in this as you are.
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
Katie Holmes does the leather ‘n lace thing for the August issue of Vogue Espana, and supposedly, this is a side of Katie we’ve never seen before. Until now, it’s only been hanging in the back of Tom Cruise’s closet.
Earlier this month, four-year old Suri Cruise was photographed clutching a big ol’ box of Penis Gummies while in the arms of robot mommy Katie Holmes. Immediate “Suri must have found daddy’s secret candy stash! How morally reprehensible of Katie!” backlash ensued, and now Katie’s gone on Ellen to explain what really happened. Or to painstakingly spell out what happened, as it were. E! Online says:
“I took [Suri] to get ice cream,” recalls Holmes. “We are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.”
Holmes [then proceeded] to get more specific about the product by simply spelling it out .
“P-E-N-I-S gummies,” she spells out. “I said, ‘Oh wow, those aren’t Swedish fish.’”
Holmes quickly took action to get them out of her daughter’s hands and back where they belonged.
“I thought if I said put that back and then she’s going to say, ‘What is this?’ And I really didn’t want to have that conversation.”
Oh, I doubt little Suri would have even known what they were. At least not without a dozen tiny gummy anuses for them to penetrate. Then she would have recognized daddy’s “grown-up games” with the man from the gym for sure.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ 4-year old daughter Suri was seen clutching a box of Penis Gummies while leaving a restaurant with her mother yesterday. I know what I’m giving out for Halloween this year! The Daily Mail says:
The box features cartoon like drawings of male genitalia, and unsurprisingly Suri seemed somewhat captivated by the penis-shaped jelly sweets.
The phallic shaped sweets were quite clearly an inappropriate choice for the four-year-old.
This is exactly the sort of candy I’d expect to uncover in Tom Cruise’s desk drawer. It’d be right between the assless chaps and the bottle of zero-calorie glitter lube.
Katie and Suri out and about this week:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
The sad thing about these pictures of Katie Holmes with her mom is that I’d rather wear what her mom’s got on than what Katie does. If that jumpsuit doesn’t have “spunky retiree wear” written all over it, I don’t know what does. All that’s missing is a kicky straw hat and the smell of ointment. And I’m not completely sure she doesn’t smell like Ben-Gay. She is, after all, married to Tom Cruise.
Taking in a fashion show at Milan Fashion Week:
It’s all sour Scientology grapes at the Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise funny farm. Xenu doesn’t have a sense of humor and so has commanded them not to attend this year’s Oscars because Anne Hathaway made fun of minion Katie. Says Huffington Post,
Anne Hathaway’s ‘SNL’ impression of Katie Holmes was so good that it may actually keep Holmes and husband Tom Cruise away from the Academy Awards this year, The Daily Mail reports.
Hathaway, this year’s Oscars co-host with James Franco, spoofed Holmes in a November episode of ‘Saturday Night Live,’ playing a gaspy, “complex,” and confused version of the former ‘Dawson’s Creek’ star. Apparently, it was either so insulting — or so spot on — that Holmes and Cruise are enraged enough to boycott the show, unwilling to run into Hathaway.
The Daily Mail quotes a source saying that Holmes and Cruise felt betrayed by the nationally televised impression, given what they considered a solid friendship with the ‘Love and Other Drugs’ star. When Hathaway broke up with boyfriend Raffaello Follieri in 2008, Cruise and Holmes took Hathaway to a Tina Turner concert, the ultimate salve.
“Katie feels they were really supportive at a difficult time so she feels let down that Anne took to national TV to make fun of her,” the source told the paper.
Shortly after the show, Hathaway defended the impression, saying that she didn’t mean to make fun of Holmes herself.
“I was a teenager when ‘Dawson’s Creek’ was airing, and I was a pretty avid fan, so it just sort of came from that,” Anne told The Hollywood Reporter (via Access Hollywood). “It wasn’t really Katie Holmes; it was more [her 'Creek' character] Joey Potter.”
Everybody already thinks of Katie as an uptight robot-twat (RoboTwat?) so she could have done herself a favor and laughed it off in good humor. But instead she and shorty have to go take their toys and leave the sandbox in a huff.
UPDATE: Popeater exclusively reports that “…a spokesperson for Cruise tells PopEater that it is “not true and made up” and that the famous pair had no plans of attending the Oscars before Hathaway’s somewhat unflattering skit.” Uh-huh, sure. Did they add a “Nanny-nanny boo-boo” to that?
The offending skit (skip to the 2:20 mark for Anne Hathaway’s performance):
Early yesterday morning, a white 4 year-old girl with brown hair and grey eyes was kidnapped by an older white lady in a plaid shirt, jeans, wearing sunglasses and her brown hair in a bun. Although we couldn’t get a good look at her face, we knew she was older because The King of Queens taught us that buns = old ladies. If you see this woman, contact your local authorities immediately.
Surveillance of the perpetrator:
Katie Holmes serenaded husband Tom Cruise with “Whatever Lola Wants” at the A Fine Romance Benefit at 20th Century Fox yesterday, only it was an interactive serenade, which everyone knows is the most embarrassing kind of serenade of all. Tom made sure he got to sashay and preen a little on the stage, too, but then made sure to point at his wedding ring to remind everyone that he was, in fact, a heterosexual male who was clearly enjoying this display of feminine sexual aggression. To quote Dale Gribble, this performance “is the feces that is created when shame eats too much stupidity.” And then uses dignity to wipe.
UPDATE: It seems that Scientology minders have gone and yanked this off of YouTube, presumably because it’s so goddamn embarrassing. I’ll see if I can’t find it elsewhere in the meantime.
Here’s little Suri Cruise and mom Katie Holmes heading for some lunch after going to a performance of DanceBrazil at the Joyce Theater in New York City. Suri looks like she’s having a bit of an appetizer beforehand! Or maybe she’s trying to rid herself of nose-burrowing thetans.
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