Although her play won’t officially open until October 16th, Katie Holmes began previews for her Broadway debut in All My Sons last night. On hand for Katie’s big night? A shitload of anti-Scientology protestors with masks and picket signs and presumably, a death wish. According to Us Weekly

Around 20 demonstrators (many in masks) staged a protest, shouting “Free Katie” and holding signs that screamed “How many more must die?” A demonstrator insisted, “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play – we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

But Holmes… seemed undeterred.

By “undeterred” they must have meant “stuck on autopilot.” I’m pretty sure it’s the only setting Katie’s allowed other than “ovulate” and “smile like you mean it.”

Dawson’s Creek vet and ex-boyfriend Joshua Jackson surprised his former co-star/girlfriend Katie Holmes with a bouquet of flowers while she rehearsed All My Sons on Broadway yesterday. Glibby glib glib glib! I smell a Today Show-style meltdown! The Daily Mail says

‘Katie has been looking skinny and depressed and rather than do nothing Joshua wanted to check everything was OK,’ a source [said]. ‘They haven’t spoken in a while and he was worried. So he just decided to drop by. It was really sweet, he just turned up unexpectedly with a bunch of flowers and said: ‘Hello stranger.’ Katie was shocked, but so happy to see him. It was a wonderful surprise. She gave him such a big hug.’

Jackson wanted to reassure the 29-year-old that she still had friends of her own age and outside of Scientology. ‘Joshua made it clear she wasn’t alone. He’s not out to cause trouble. Her life is truly bizarre now. Josh would love to see Katie as the carefree and relaxed woman he once knew.’

What do you want to bet that Joshua’s little “concerned gesture” just bought Katie another 12 hours in the chamber? Clockwork Orange headdress, L. Ron Hubbard on continuous loop, ice-water head-dunking, the works. At the very least he’s rewiring some of the circuits and switching her to solar cell. Think of the money he’ll save in the long run!

Out and about in New York Sept 4th:

Twenty-two disability groups are protesting Ben Stiller’s new movie “Tropic Thunder,” with the spokesman for the Special Olympics going as far as to call for a boycott of the film. Seriously, retards have no sense of humor. That’s why no one ever invites them to parties. Co-writer Ethan Cohen explained to Us Weekly

“Some people have taken this as making fun of handicapped people, but we’re really trying to make fun of the actors who use this material as fodder for acclaim. The last thing you want is for people to think you’re making fun of the victims in this who are having their lives turned into fodder for people to win Oscar.”

And a spokesman for DreamWorks said:

“No changes or cuts to the film will be made. Tropic Thunder is an R-rated comedy that satirizes Hollywood and its excesses, and makes its point by featuring inappropriate and over-the top characters in ridiculous situations. The film is in no way meant to disparage or harm the image of individuals with disabilities.”

Then he added, “Look, if it makes you people happy, Tom Cruise came to the premiere dressed like a retard, okay? Take a look at his goddamn sneakers. That’s short bus if I ever saw it. Stuff that in your wheel locks and drool on it.”

Early forties Katie sans the ‘tard — who has a small cameo in the film — on the red carpet last night:

The mystery behind Katie Holmes’ ridiculously baggy tight-rolled jeans has finally been revealed. According to Us Weekly

Katie Holmes hasn’t just been wearing men’s jeans on recent NYC outings – the couple’s stylist confirms that [she is wearing husband Tom] Cruise’s Prps Jeans!

“Prps has adapted the style for women in the new fall collection as the Boyfriend jean,” [says] Kim Dillard, a rep for Prps Jeans. “It’s the new look Katie is going for.”

A reason Holmes has been rolling them up? She’s 5’9″ and Cruise is 5’7″.

You really can’t blame poor Kate. By now she’s been brainwashed to do whatever Tommy Boy tells her to do. Letting herself be impregnated by that really uncomfortable chicken baster, getting her hair cut into a quasi-androgynous bob, wearing the strap-on. So what’s wearing Tom’s pegged jeans? Any day now we can expect Tom to announce the startling news that Katie was born a hermaphrodite. Praise Xenu!

All is not well in Tom Cruise-ville.

First, former member Peter Letterese filed suit against the Church of Scientology in Florida earlier this month, calling the church a “crime syndicate” and fingering Tom Cruise for his “foreign and domestic lobbying” on behalf of the religion. According to Rush and Molloy

He singles out Cruise, saying that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families.

On top of all that, wife Katie Holmes has finally put her foot down and demanded that he kick his mother, his sister, and his sister’s two sons out of their home. In Touch Weekly says

When Katie and Tom recently moved into a $35 million home in Beverly Hills, Katie put her foot down and insisted that everyone — other than Suri and Tom’s two children with Nicole Kidman, Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13 — find another place to live. “It’s about time for Tom and Katie to live alone,” another pal adds. “They never have before.”

With Momsy finally out of the house, Tom won’t have any excuses for not doing the whole penis-in-vagina thing. Before, he could blame his avoidance on the threat of Grandma Cruise popping in to have her eye ointment applied or her bottom wiped. Now it’s just him, Katie, and a wiener with nowhere to go.

Katie Tom Katie out and about July 24th:

Katie Holmes’ debut role in the revival of Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons” has yet to generate any public interest. And by “public interest,” I of course mean “actual money.” NY Post says

Ticket brokers and group sales agents, who… thought Holmes would be this season’s Julia Roberts (who sold out “Three Days of Rain” in one day) say interest in the Holmes show is nil.

Backstage, the buzz is that the cast has been forced to sign confidentiality agreements. The Scientology minders in charge of Holmes apparently don’t want any press they can’t control.

Tom Cruise might promise you a pot of Hollywood gold, but instead of glittering Academy Awards at the end of the rainbow, you get a tubful of Scientology minders and list of approved shitty film roles. It’s a classic leprechaun trick. And everybody knows the best way to capture a leprechaun is to sneak up on him when he’s working on his shoes. Leprechauns are born cobblers, see. You can’t take your eyes off of him, not even for a second, because some leprechauns can vanish right before your eyes, and I’d peg Tommy boy as one of those types. Of course, that’s where the four-leaf clovers come into play. Four-leaf clovers are like leprechaun kryptonite. It’s simple science, really. All Katie needs now is a couple of four-leaf clovers and .38.¹ I think that’s the technical term for “the luck of the Irish.”

¹_{Don’t try sending them to her in the mail, though. It seems the the Gun Control Act of ’68 put the kibosh on that.}

Katie at the Broad Contemporary Art Museum Opening back in February:

Since becoming Mrs. Tom Cruise in 2006, Katie Holmes’ personality has made a change for the worse. Nine MSN

“She treats the help like slaves,” says the insider. “At times, she just leaves everything… on the floor for the maids to hang up. That’s so unlike the old Katie, who would never want to be any trouble or be at all aloof.”

“[Another time], the housekeep was making Tom his daily smoothie and Katie came along and sipped a couple of inches from it. Then she told the housekeeper that she’d blame her for drinking it! She was just goofing around to see the woman squirm. The poor woman was terrified because she didn’t know what she was going to say to Tom.”

I doubt Tom would even notice the missing inches. I figure he likes his morning “protein shake” shaken up and spewed on his face bukkake-style. Because he loves the wiener, you see. Zing!

At Cannes this weekend:

Those rumors that Katie Holmes is planning to star on Broadway sometime this fall were confirmed yesterday. OK! Magazine reports

A rep for the Broadway revival of the classic Arthur Miller play All My Sons confirmed that actress Katie Holmes is going to [assume] the part of Ann Deever in the Tony-winning drama. The Dawson’s Creek star will be joining fellow cast members John Lithgow, Patrick Wilson and Oscar-winner Dianne Wiest in the production.

Because of there’s one thing having starred in “Dawson’s Creek” brings to the table, it’s real depth of character. Other than being a veteran of “Mad Money” or “Superbabies 2: Baby Geniuses,” I’d say it’s probably the gold standard for Broadway casting.

Katie in “Flaunt” before the dark times:

There’s something different about Suri Cruise! Can you guess what it is? Hint: it’s not new batteries. Nine MSN says

The two-year-old, out and about with parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, sported a decidedly lighter mop in Manhattan yesterday. [Has she been subjected] to highlights at age two? [Or did] some fun in the sun [result] in her sun-kissed new locks?

Hair lightened by the sun gets lighter along the hairline and crown, not a uniform three-shades-lighter color all over. Not to mention that Suri hasn’t been photographed outside since her second birthday. You don’t go from “Swiper, No Swiping Mocha” to “L. Ron Hubbard Chai Latte” without the aid of ammonia and peroxide. Unless you upgraded your old Suri to the newer 270-degree swivel action model with character-dedicated accessories and multiple points of articulation. Then the new hair color makes total sense.

Tom Cruise finally has the perfect robot wife he’s always wanted — and he’s sure as hell not going to let her get away now. Katie Holmes’ plans to move to New York sans Tommy to star on Broadway were effectively quashed when Tom forced her into “Scientology Boot Camp” last week. Note: this brand of boot camp has nothing to do with saving your wild teen who dresses too sexy. According to Star

Katie was recently secluded for three days at Gold Base, the remote, supersecret Scientology compound in Hemet, California. “It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.”

Sleep-deprived, food-deprived, and strapped to an E-meter by Tom Cruise’s lunatic minions. Boy, does that ever sound fun! But then again, so does hemorrhoid surgery and third degree burns. How will I ever choose how to spend my summer vacation now? Let’s just ask this shotgun here.

Being lead around at David Beckham’s birthday party April 20th:

The brain-washing seems to have begun to wear off, because rumor has that Katie Holmes is planning her escape from husband Tom Cruise with a move to Manhattan for a role on Broadway. A source tells Star

“She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away. There’s no way he’ll allow it. He just doesn’t want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her. Tom wants to call all the shots when it comes to Suri. He has a lot of rules, and there’s conflict.”

Katie’s best bet is to turn all the soup cans in the pantry with the labels facing different directions and mess up the bath towels on the rack, then run like hell while he’s busy rearranging. I saw a movie once where that worked like a charm. Or something like that.

Head down, short hair:

With Katie Holmes’ new pageboy haircut, Tom Cruise is finally one step closer to fulfilling all of his completely normal narcissistic fantasies of having sex with himself. No more masturbating to Risky Business and Top Gun for this Hollywood star! A thorough taping of her breasts and strap-on are all that’s standing in the way of Tommy actually getting to pork himself. It’s practically every man’s dream come true!