I’m sorry — what was that? You’ll have to speak up. I couldn’t hear you over Katy Perry’s makeup. They used less foundation turning Marlon Wayans into a Caucasoid in “White Chicks.”

I was wondering why somebody brought a mannequin from Hot Topic to the NARM Music Biz Awards, but then I realized it was actually Katy Perry under that shroud of darkness and eternal abyss. I assume she went to smoke cloves and listen to Bauhaus with her Taco Bell nightshift manager boyfriend Azazel the Forlorn right after this picture was taken.

NARM Music Biz Awards dinner party:

Recently divorced Katy Perry has moved on from French model Baptiste Biabiconi to Florence + The Machine guitarist Robert Ackroyd. I’m sure Florence is totally stoked. Radar Online says:

The singer made out with Robert at the Coachella Music Festival and it looks like she liked it.

Katy and Robert held hands, cuddled and kissed while watching Rihanna perform… and [she even] referred to him as her “boyfriend.”

Well, just because you refer to someone as your boyfriend doesn’t actually make them your boyfriend. My probation officer was very clear about that.

Katy Perry in a pattern from McCall’s Slutty at Coachella:

Katy Perry reportedly wants to reconcile with ex-husband Russell Brand and live happily ever after in the house that wheelchair porn built. Us Magazine says:

“Katy’s been trying to get [Brand] back!” a close Perry pal [revealed]. “She’s a lost soul right now.”

What led to the singer’s change of heart? A solo trip to India April 3 — the same place where she wed Brand in 2010. “She’d already been missing Russell,” an insider explains. “Being back there stirred up even more old feelings.”

“Stirred up old feelings” is probably just a nice way of saying “her herpes flared up again.” And nothing makes you think about Russell Brand more than a weeping genital sore!

With Rihanna on day three of Coachella:

Katy Perry dons a grape-colored sequined outfit with matching finger gloves, along with a retro black wig that for the cover of Jetset, which is a self-proclaimed magazine for “the affluent lifestyle”. That’s all well and good, except for the fact that the moment I saw her, an image of the Kool-Aid Man popped into my head. She looks like embodiment of the Grape flavor–cheap, nauseatingly sweet and a poor imitation of the real thing.

Ohhh yeeeah!

Katy Perry looks like a mashup of a disco ball and My Little Pony. If she could be any more cloyingly saccharine, she’d be sporting Lisa Frank tattoos and sucking on a Ring Pop.

At the 2012 Echo Awards in Berlin:

Katy Perry’s latest generic and instantly-forgettable song “Part of Me” now has an equally banal video. You know the well’s running dry when your obvious source of inspiration was Jessica Simpson’s “Major Movie Star” and Rihanna’s “Hard.” I almost didn’t even recognize her with only half as much makeup on her face!

Katy Perry is depicted as an overly-made-up showgirl in next month’s Interview magazine, but how you tell the difference between overly-made-up showgirl Katy and Katy every other day of the week is beyond me. I’m just hoping this is Interview’s way of secretly burning her with irony.

Since the power of her bouncing titties did naught to keep her man, Katy Perry is turning to cookery to keep a man satisfied. Now all she needs is a third tit and she’d be nigh unstoppable. Says Digital Spy,

Katy Perry has reportedly spent $50,000 (£31,000) on cookery classes.

The popstar bought the culinary lessons during a charity auction at Sir Elton John’s Oscars viewing party on Sunday.

The event in Beverly Hills saw the ‘I Kissed A Girl’ singer go up against movie producer Steve Tisch for the prize.

Although Tisch had offered up a higher bid of $80,000 for the lessons conducted by celebrity chef Cat Cora, he decided to share the item with Perry in the end.

An insider told Us: “Katy emptied her purse out jokingly for the cameras before she and Steve agreed to share the prize for $100,000. Katy got up and hugged him delightedly.”

$100,000 to a charitable cause might sound like a good idea, but I feel sorry for that chef. Something tells me that she might be a little upset when Katy gets bored with the science of cooking and spends her time dipping her fingers in the crème fraîche and licking it off, or making suggestive motions with English cucumbers.

At Sir Elton John’s Oscar party with Adam Lambert and Dita von Teese:

A year ago, Katy Perry refused to listen to anybody who told her not to marry Russell Brand or make him sign a prenup, because they were in love and a love like theirs lasts forever. Except it didn’t, and now he’s entitled to half of the $44 million she made in 2011. TMZ says:

Everything they earned during their 14-month marriage is community property — which means they’re each entitled to 50% of the pot — so Russell could have scored a fortune if he exercised his community property rights.

But as one source put it, “This divorce is as amicable as it gets… Russell doesn’t want Katy’s money. He’s happy to walk away with the money he earned — which is far less than what Katy raked in.”

Well, I’ll be damned. I figured he would milk that dumb broad for all she’s worth. I wouldn’t have guessed there was a noble bone in Russell Brand’s body, unless “noble bone” was just one of those coy British euphemism meaning “erection.”

Even though she’s nominated for a total of seven awards, Katy Perry won’t be at Wednesday’s People’s Choice Awards. Radar Online says:

“Unfortunately I will not be able to attend the People’s Choice Awards. I want to thank u all for voting for me, fingers crossed! #KATYCATS,” the Firework singer tweeted Monday.

[Adding], ‘”Concerning the gossip, I want to be clear that NO ONE speaks for me. Not a blog, magazine, ‘close sources’ or my family.”

Some are speculating that the above pic of soon-to-be ex-husband Russell Brand making a big show of removing his wedding band may have sparked her decision not to attend the People’s Choice Awards, while others speculate she won’t be attending because it’s the fucking People’s Choice Awards. Jesus. Even the Grammys mean more than they do.

In addition to telling Katy Perry that she wasn’t funny on SNL, Russell Brand also mocked her parents for their faith. Because, you know, I’m sure there were no signs before they got married that there might be an issue there. Going into a marriage with your eyes open is so overrated. Says Digital Spy,

Katy Perry reportedly begun to reconsider her marriage to Russell Brand after he mocked her deeply religious parents.

The ‘Teenage Dream’ singer separated from Brand in late December after a 14-month union.

It has since been alleged that the controversial comedian caused upset by failing to rein himself in around pastors Keith and Mary Hudson.

“Russ was forever making lewd jokes at the dinner table and poking fun at her parents’ beliefs,” a friend told The Sun. “He managed to restrain himself in the beginning – just.

“But as the marriage progressed, he got worse and kept winding up her family. After the lust wore off, reality hit home about their differences and [Katy] was left thinking, ‘What have I done?’”

Perry reportedly asked Brand to file for divorce so she would not upset her devout parents.

The Hudsons recently urged Perry’s fans to find a relationship with God, stating that they were “worshipping and loving the wrong person”.

Because rising to fame on the power of your bouncing tits and sexually provocative image is totally in line with their Christian faith. In Katy Perry’s version of things, Jesus was tossing shekels at the harlots he hung out with and bar crawling with the 12 disciples.

Happier times at her birthday party in November: