Katy Perry is neither interesting nor talented, wears too much goddamn makeup, and everything she owns looks like it was made from polyester and lycra at 579. So why all the pictures, you ask? Well, two reasons: “because they’re there” and “because I hate you.” No, I’m just kidding. It’s her boobs. C’mon, where did you think I was going with this?

At the Samsung Party at Boulevard 3 Wednesday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Hello my lovelies, it’s Sarah.  I’m sorry to do this to you, but sometimes life is pain.  These are pictures of walking vomitorium Russell Brand picking up girlfriend Katy Perry at the airport in London, where she flew after performing at the 2009 MTV Europe Music Awards in Berlin.  I seriously don’t get these two.  First off, Russell Brand is goddamn disgusting and I’d rather stick my tongue in the toilet of a truck stop bathroom than anywhere on his person or even in his general vicinity.  Secondly, Katy Perry isn’t ugly, but she dresses like a six-year-old with special needs and she’s talentless and annoying and has exactly two points in her favour, both of which she insists on covering up pretty much all the time.

Actually nevermind, it turns out they’re kind of perfect for each other.

Brand picking up Perry at Heathrow airport:

Perry performing at the MTV Europe Music Awards:

Katy Perry put the girls front and center when she showed up a Mika concert in Hollywood on Friday. Speaking of Mika, what’s the hardest part of going to a Mika concert? Telling your parents you’re gay. High five!

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Katy Perry was front and center at the Louis Vuitton fashion show in Paris yesterday in this sexy little number. Rowr. Now, don’t speak French, but I think it’s pretty obvious “haute couture” must mean “massive cans.” Everything sounds fancier when you say it in the language of love.

What I want to know is, how do you get a job as Katy Perry’s professional boob grabber? Because I’ve definitely got what it takes. Hell, I’ve been arrested for grabbin’ boobs three times in the past month alone. I don’t like to brag, but I think my record pretty much speaks for itself. Call me, Katy!

Filming a video for Star Strukk at the Rose Gardens in L.A.:

Remember that scene in “The Shining” when Jack Nicholson’s wife looks through his manuscript and discovers it’s 200 pages of the same sentence written over and over again? Well, around these parts, it’s celebrity bikini pictures over and over again instead of “all work and no play make Jack a dull boy.” Welcome to my own Sisyphean hell. When you come in here and you hear me typing, or whether you DON’T hear me typing, or whatever the FUCK you hear me doing, when I’m in here, it means that I am working, THAT means don’t come in. Now, do you think you can handle that? Can you?! God, won’t somebody please kill me already.

Katy Perry at the Fontainebleau Hotel in Miami Saturday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Don’t worry — Katy Perry’s misspelled Josh Groban tattoo is just a fake. This is the actual tattoo she got in Soho on Monday. Hard to tell which one is gayer, isn’t it? The Daily Mail says

On her Twitter page [yesterday] morning… she had written, ‘Thinking about getting my second tattoo tonight! I wanna get a cartoon-ish strawberry to celebrate this amazeballs past 15 months…’

Well, nothing says “amazeballs” quite like a anthromorphized fruit. Or like a good kick square in the puss, but it’s really hard to do it justice with just a needle and ink. I find it’s usually better to go with a steel-toed boot and a lot of blind rage on that one.

Acid-washed denim “playsuit” — and I’m not making that up:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash, Bauer-Griffin

Katy Perry posted the above picture of herself naked with a tray of pizza on Twitter yesterday, along with a digitally altered fat picture and the comment

“Why is it that after not eating for three days all I can think of is food… food is smiling at me… luring me with sexual seduction.”

Who cares. All I want to know is where the hell she got that pizza. The lady at Domino’s just hung up on me when I asked for a deep dish cheese lover’s with sausage and extra boobies.

Jesus jumproping Christ, I hate Katy Perry so hard.  But I love you worthless pervs and I suffer for you, so here are pictures of her ginormous rack trussed up in leather for the June/July ‘09 issue of Complex magazine.  There’s an interview you can read if you wanna clicky the linky, but I don’t like what happens when Katy Perry makes words with her mouth so I refuse to read it myself.

Oh look, here’s something you don’t see every day–an angry, fat, ugly lesbian! And according Beth Ditto’s Wikipedia entry, a squirrel-eating, no-deodorant, hairy armpitted lesbian! Fatty angry! Fatty smash! Digital Spy gets in on the gorilla action:

Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto has slammed Katy Perry for being “offensive to gay culture”.

Speaking to Attitude, the singer admitted that she was unhappy with the content of Perry’s signature track ‘I Kissed A Girl’.

“[It's an] anthem for straight girls who like to turn guys on by making out or faking gay,” she explained.

“I hate Katy Perry! I’m so offended. She’s just riding on the backs of our culture, without having to pay any of the dues and not being actually lesbian or anything at all.”

Ditto is not the first celebrity to criticise the track. Last year, Pink suggested that the song “trivialised being gay” and admitted that her gay girlfriends had been “kinda put off by it”.

Well of course she’s angry. I suspect the daughter of Jabba is all pissy because she knows she can’t get her doughnut-glazed lips near Katy Perry’s cooch. I think Katy is annoying as all hell, but at least she doesn’t make Susan Boyle look like a  Jenny Craig spokeswoman.

Here’s pictures of Katy Perry instead because she’s not a sea cow:

What the… ?  Ugh.  I effing hate Lady Gaga so hard.  Maybe even more than I hate stupid dumb Katy Perry, which I wasn’t sure was actually possible.

I have no idea what the hell Lady Gaga was doing at Radio 1 studios in London, but this getup is what she wore there.  That teacup was apparently shoved in her famewhoring claw somewhere between the car and the front door, like she’s so goddamn important she shouldn’t be made to walk the 19 feet to get inside before being offered refreshment.  I don’t even want to talk about her anymore, since that’s very clearly all she wants out of life and it gives me a small measure of joy to be uncooperative in facilitating her happiness.

The Bible in its infinite wisdom says that love covers a multitude of sins. Fortunately for Katy Perry, so do boobs. You can thank the Devil for that one.

in April issue of Esquire: