I swear I’m not making this shit up. Ke$ha’s love of male facial hair has inspired her to create her own website Put Your Beard in My Mouth, which features pictures of her with — you guessed it — a bunch of beards in her mouth. I didn’t think it was physically possible for Ke$ha to be more repellant, but that was before I saw her with a wad of Fidel Castro’s billy goat gruff in her piehole. Damn that bitch is disgusting.

I’m pretty sure that what KeSha calls “fan mail,” you and I would call “cease and desist letters.” I didn’t think they could make an uglier version of Brooke Hogan, but by God, the bastards did it. Chances are good it’s probably sterile, though.

On her way to a Terry Richardson event:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If someone holds Ke$ha’s forehead wile somebody else holds her chin, you can keep her head from spinning when she vomits pea soup. It helps if there’s a priest there yelling, “The power of Christ compels you!” while someone douses her with holy water.

Leaving the Box Club in London last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Rapper Eminem and teenybopper puke Justin Bieber were the big winners at last night’s Billboard Music Awards, each taking homo home six different awards for their insufferable “contributions” to music. People Magazine says:

Taylor Swift was the first winner of the night at Sunday’s 2011 Billboard Music Awards, where she was named 200 Album Artist of the Year and Country Artist of the Year.

Justin Bieber was a triple winner, as Digital Artist of the Year, Top New Artist and Fan Favoritez, while Britney Spears [was awarded] Female Artist of the Year.

Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite” was named Top Hot 100 Song. Lady Antebellum took Country Song of the Year, [and] the Black Eyed Peas were the Top Duo/Group.

After reading the complete list of winners, I have never been so grateful to have been a teenager during the forefront of the grunge movement. The mid-nineties were a magical time, a time when musicians actually played instruments and sang without autotune and digital masking and rappers were still black and didn’t collaborate with the likes of Katy Perry and Big Time Rush. Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered, a musical era gone with the wind.

Rihanna, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift after the jump:

Selena Gomez:

Fergie:

Kesha:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Ke$ha appeared on Nickelodeon’s Victorious, for reasons I can’t surmise. I didn’t think they would stoop to “talentless transsexual performs on the eve of the Apocalypse while defiling the American flag” to up ratings on a kid’s show. I’d expect something like that from Disney.

With Victoria Justice and Elizabeth Gillies:

If there’s one thing I don’t want to see while I’m girding my loins in preparation for intercourse, it’s Ke$ha’s big ugly mug staring up at me. And you can tell by my use of the term “girding my loins” just how frequently I’m actually having any intercourse. TMZ says:

Ke$ha wants to make sure your junk is covered the next time you have sex … and now she’s putting her face on condom wrappers to prove she means business.

Ke$ha banged out a deal with LifeStyles Condoms which agreed to provide 10,000 customized rubbers for the singer to fire off into crowds at her upcoming shows, beginning on Monday.

Believing Ke$ha’s actually got 10,000 fans is the real mistake here. I guess being a walking advertisement for the morning-after pill just wasn’t cutting it for her anymore.

Ke$ha in the December 2010 issue of Photoshop Monthly Complex Magazine:

PHOTO CREDIT: Complex Magazine

You can click here to see Beardy up there chowing down on Ke$ha’s cooter, or you could just lay down on the sidewalk and have someone drop a phone book on your stomach from a couple stories up. The involuntary visceral reaction will be the same either way.

Ke$ha might wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, but she looks more like a Weird Al Yankovic with no mustache. Freshman yearbook photo FAIL.

What do you get when you cross Cheri Oteri’s pill-popping Collette Reardon with Molly Shannon’s “I’m Fifty! Fifty Years Old!” Sally O’Malley? Well, whatever it is, somebody should shoot it and put it out of its misery. Some things just weren’t meant for mortal eyes.

Ke$ha and her camel toe at the MTV EMAs last night (plus Kelly Brook to cleanse the palate):

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

I’m not going to come right out and say that Ke$ha has a penis, but you could totally camp out under that tent she’s pitching there. And it would sure explain what’s wrong with her face. I always thought she was the victim of some evil Hasbro experiment that fused Mr. Potato Head parts on a human, but her being a man makes a lot more sense when you think about it. Besides, if anyone’s gonna do evil experiments on humans with children’s toys, it’s Playskool. Everybody knows that.

Shooting “We R Who We R” in L.A. yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

There were lots of celebrities doing the red carpet thing at the MTV Video Music Awards last night. Like “Twilight’s” Ashley Greene, who looked fantastic. She’s like some kind of sexy present in that dress. And speaking of sexy presents, my birthday is coming up, soooo… if any of you were wondering, this is exactly what I want. But I want the one with the real kung-fu grip. And also any cowgirl/sexy nurse accessories she might come with.

TONS more red carpet pics after the jump:

Katy Perry:

Ke$ha:

Lady Gaga:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

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News of Ke$ha’s sex tape broke back in March, but the first of the supposedly leaked screen caps/naked photos just started making the rounds today. You’ll note that DJ Stolen (I’m not a detective, but probably not his real name) had the foresight to label the seminal fluid on her stomach for you, in case you thought it might have been snot or egg whites, because plenty of women like to do their cholesterol-free cooking topless. I just wish Lipitor had been around when I was growing up. It would have made breakfast with Mom a hell of a lot less disturbing.

Scarlett Johansson for Mango, because Ke$ha looks like a fat sk8er boi/gypsy fortune teller hybrid:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin