Keira Knightley says she still feels uneasy and vulnerable after a stranger verbally accosted her in London last week. According to the Daily Mail

Keira, 23, said: ‘The other day I was walking down the street and was really thinking about this book I’d been sent. You know when you’re really in another place. Somebody jumped out and went, “Keira Knightley! Who the fuck do you think you fucking are? You’re such a cunt.” All this, and I’m completely on my own.’

After that horrific experience, Keira had a minder last night for the premiere of [her new movie] The Duchess. ‘It’s a weird thing to have to deal with, but it’s happened enough to make me quite jumpy,’ the actress said.

First of all, it’s not like I just “jumped out of nowhere.” I’d been camped outside her Richmond flat for a good two weeks. Secondly, my Tourette’s tends to act up when I’m nervous. What I meant to say was, “I really loved you in the first Pirates, Keira!” But what came out was “Keira Knightley! Who the fuck do you think you fucking are? Motherfuck shit shit fucking cunt Jew baby BALLS!” and also some eye twitches and compulsive spits. So, pretty much the toast I gave at my sister’s wedding word for word, only with more guys with billy clubs and handcuffs at the end. Mazel tov!

Keira Knightley takes off her top on the cover of next month’s Interview magazine, clad only in a pair of suspenders and black opera gloves. It’s not as hot as it sounds, because the inch and a half of fabric provided by the suspenders covers her entire breast. Not just the nipple, which gauging from this pic is about the size of a pencil eraser, but the whole freakin’ boob. She might as well be wearing a cable-knit sweater over a turtleneck. It’d be just as sexy. So would a picture of John Travolta bent over and giving the fruit-basket-turnover in a pair of assless chaps. Dream big? You bet I do, baby!

The rest of the spread:

Keira Knightley arrived at the 64th Venice International Film Festival yesterday the very picture of radiant health and vitality. It’s like staring down the human embodiment of the Fertile Crescent here. The Fertile Crescent in too-dark lipstick with greasy hair and all jutting bones and sinews and sallow skin caked with powder. On second thought, maybe not the Fertile Crescent. Maybe the alley behind the makeshift abortion stand in Kuala Lampur where all those prostitutes with leprosy died. Yeah, that sounds about right.

More of Keira not attacking Castle Grayskull after the jump

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Today, I saw a guy drooling in front of the local newsstand, which has the latest issue of Vanity Fair magazine spread all over the place. This month’s issue has Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson posing nude on the cover. When I approached to give the guy a Kleenex, my head bumped against the window. Then I realized that guy was me.