Kelly Brook’s boobs are slated to be a presenter at the “Heels That Heal” charity auction next month. The Daily Mail says

Kylie Minogue is selling her Giuseppe Zanotti heels, Cheryl Cole her fuchsia Rupert Sanderson pumps, Leona Lewis her Stella McCartney strappy sandals and Davina McCall her Carvella platform wedges [in the hopes of raising over] $1 million to fund research into women’s issues.

And judging from these pictures, “women’s issues” mostly entail things like “attempting to breathe after shoehorning your tits into a latex dress” and “not choking on your hair extensions when they crank up the wind machine to ‘full-force gale.’” I hope one million is enough to cover it.

Vintage Ralph Lauren modeling pics:

Oh look you guys, it’s Kelly Brook in a shiny red bikini.  First she climbs onto a yacht and then she stands around for awhile showing off her metallic camel toe.  Then she and some blonde chick in a thong feel each other up a little, and all of a sudden Kelly Brook is getting motorboated in front of God and everybody.  I guess it must be your birthday or something.  Anyway, these pictures are from the set of Piranha 3-D.  I don’t know about you, but I get the distinct impression that it will be a cinematic masterpiece for the ages.  Or at least the ages of 17 and over.

Kelly Brook and Riley Steele on the set of Piranha 3-D:

I wonder what Kelly Brook’s boyfriend’s other hand is doing down there under the water. My gut says jerking off. Or maybe just flashing gang signs at all the hater crustaceans. West side till he dies, mothafuckas!

Page 3 model Kelly Brook gets her Indian on for UK Love’s 2009 Spring/Summer edition. Some might find her portrayal of Native Americans offensive, but frankly, I think it’s great. I bet her Indian name her would have been something descriptive yet mysterious, like “Gives Braves Boners” or “Stands with Tits.” Indians always were good at giving names.

Here are some pictures of Kelly Brook.  In Barbados.  In a bikini.  Dripping wet.  You’re welcome.

Splish splash:

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Kelly Brook’s bikini-clad body has been plastered all over condom boxes in China, but the model-turned-actress never signed any endorsement deal with Eyesome condom manufacturers or authorized use of the photo. The Daily Mail says

Her management are investigating for [unauthorized] endorsement.

The 29-year-old is pictured in a sultry pose on the 12-packet boxes with Chinese branding stamped across her body. The condoms are available to buy for around [$2] in certain Chinese supermarkets and on the internet.

The firm also appears to have lifted the image of U.S. actress Mena Suvari.

I’m sure the first thing that struck you as odd were the size of the boxes. These condoms are marketed for Asians, right? Have you ever seen their genitals? That entire package doesn’t need to be any bigger than a matchbook, tops. Let’s be realistic here. The only thing some Chinaman’s going to do with a rubber that big is wear it like a pair of thigh-high panty-hose.

Kelly in Los Angeles this month:

And in a bikini on the French Riviera just because:

Famed Roman poet Ovid once said, “All things human hang by a slender thread; and that which seemed to stand strong suddenly falls.” All I can say is, I sure as hell hope so. Yowza.

Happy New Year, bitches!  Don’t mix wine with hard liquor (or if you do, be sure to vomit only on the people you don’t like) and try not to get arrested because everyone you know will probably be too drunk to come bail your ass out.  We’ll be back in 2009 — most likely with a roundup of more DUIs, unfortunately, because famous people never learn.

Also wishing you a Happy New Year is Kelly Brook’s rack.  These aren’t really higher resolution than the ones from earlier today, but they’re bigger and there are more of them.  There’s also a whole lot more of What’s-His-Face, but he’s not really fug or anything.  If you’re not into dudes, I have perfect faith in your ability to ignore him:

Kelly Brook didn’t get arrested for anything and she’s not Dane Cook, so these pictures are a huge improvement over the rest of today’s stupid news so far.  Also: boobs.

Kelly Brook on the beach yesterday with some dude:

I’m not really sure what Kelly Brook does, exactly, other than make me feel like a stumpy gate troll in sweatpants, but she was photographed leaving BBC Radio in London yesterday. Seems like a real waste of her talent, doesn’t it? “Boobs” and “radio” go together about as well as “PCP” and “driving.” Not to say that it can’t be done. It just makes masturbating a lot harder.