The massively-photoshopped version of Kelly Clarkson on the cover of next month’s Self magazine has fat girls everywhere in an indignant huff. People Magazine says

Many readers have expressed disappointment and outrage over the digitally slim Clarkson. “Hey, hi, Self ladies: None this changes or explains the fact that YOU ALTERED THE BONE STRUCTURE OF HER FACE,” write one reader on jezebel.com.

Adds another reader: “Taking out red eye and airbrushing a pimple would be making her look her personal best. You completely changed the way her body looked. Why even bother asking Kelly Clarkson to pose in your magazine if you didn’t think her body fit into your idea of what was best?”

But editor-in-chief of Self magazine Lucy Danziger claims they were just “enhancing” Kelly, saying:

“Yes. Of course we do retouching. Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. [Kelly is] the picture of confidence. I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.”

For me, “personal best” means “not waking up at the scene of an accident after crapping my own pants.” For Self magazine, it must mean “sorry, but fat chicks don’t sell print ads.” I guess it’s all subjective, really.

NOT looking her personal best last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

This is probably gonna piss a lot of you bastards off, but I don’t think Kelly Clarkson is a fatass.  She’s not a twig, certainly, but I think she’s cute.  Okay, so she wears a lot of hideous clothes, but she’s adorable and her music is super catchy so I guess she can fug it up as much as she wants with her shirts that look like upholstery found in the waiting room of a dermatologist in Miami.  And I don’t even know what the hell’s going on with that cardigan… does it have a tail?

Whatever.  The point is, she’s cute and I like her.  I like that she doesn’t give a shit what people say about her and she just goes about her business, being all normal and awesome.  I especially like the fact that I bet we could hang out and have drinks and she wouldn’t spend the whole night whining about how many calories are in a margarita and that she can’t split an appetizer because she doesn’t believe in carbs.  Bitches like that are no fun at all.

Leaving an appearance on Letterman yesterday:

This is the last thing a triple-meat hoagie with extra bacon ever sees. Just one more reason to thank God you’re not a sandwich.

Kelly Clarkson performing at KISS FM’s Wango Tango over the weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

I hope you’re sitting down, because this is guaranteed to make your panties explode. I’m talking blow the zipper right off your Wranglers. Are you ready? Okay, here goes: MSNBC reports

Kelly Clarkson enjoys walking around her home in the buff, no matter the circumstances. That would include not just when close friends are around, but even when her home is “filled with strangers for photo shoots or fittings.”

Why?

“I just really like being naked,” [says] the “American Idol” star.

You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers.

Kelly not naked at Burbank airport last month:

American Idol Kelly Clarkson performed on yesterday’s “Good Morning America” for a smattering of fanny-packed tourists who were only there to wave to the cameras for their relatives back in Muncie and a couple of hot dog vendors that ran out of wieners and had nothing better to do. Several news venues called it a “disappointing and lackluster performance,” and Kelly looked — well, she seemed a little… boy, that’s some personality Kelly’s got on her, huh? I think that’s about all the personality you can pack into a pair of low-rise pants. Good thing they reinforced the zipper with half a dozen grommets and titanium eagle overlay. Kelly’s interview in next month’s issue of CosmoGirl offers this insight:

“For six months [in high school, I] was bulimic. One of my guy friends caught on to it, and I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I literally went cold turkey and snapped out of it.”

Well, unfortunately for her, it didn’t take. Not by a long shot. I think the real problem here was that her shame was misdirected. She should have tried being embarrassed by her big fat ass instead being ashamed of binging and purging. Nothing wrong with a little self-doubt, folks. It’s par for the course if you have a vagina. I haven’t spent a lifetime sucking in and crying in front of a mirror and sleeping with losers for nothing, you know. Three cheers for Jose Cuervo and laxatives! And don’t let’s forget the morning-after pill. Some gifts just keep on givin’!

More of the sausage in her casing after the jump

(more…)

Kelly Clarkson has canceled her entire 2007 summer tour. Via her official website:

“I can’t tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to getting out there to perform for y’all. In the craziness of the music business, performing is what I look forward to doing the most, so it really is disappointing for me to have to tell you that I won’t be coming out to tour this summer. The fact is that touring is just too much too soon. But I promise you that we’re going to get back out there as soon as is humanly possible to give you a show that will be even better. Thanks for all of your love and continued support.”

Page Six offers this additional insight:

Kelly Clarkson yesterday canceled her Aug. 18 show at Jones Beach and the rest of her summer tour after failing to sell enough tickets to fill 15,000-seat venues… [One] of the tour’s promoters told The Post’s Dan Aquilante: “[Ticket] sales have not been what we anticipated. We came to the realization that we had bit off more than we could chew.”

It all boils down to nobody wanting to pay to watch a fat girl perform. Unless it was maybe a hot dog eating contest or a cannonball to the stomach contest or a spring break belly buster competition for a case of Budweiser. You might pay then. You also might pay to lay under a glass table and jerk off while she takes a big naked dump on it. It’s called a fetish, people! There’s good money in it.

Kelly Clarkson gives herself a metaphorical mullet in the July issue of Elle magazine. Us Weekly quotes her as saying:

“My point of view is that I shouldn’t be a mother at all, because I’d be horrible. I’m not willing to be that selfless. I’m not keen on marriage. I don’t let many people in. Men come and go. Friends are what I care about. And I’m fine with [seeing unflattering paparazzi shots of herself]. I just don’t care. I don’t wear makeup in public. I don’t worry about what I’m wearing.”

So, clearly, she’d be the “daddy” in the relationship. The butch one. The one in the sleeveless plaid flannel with curry wedged under her fingernails. The only way Kelly could have sounded any gayer in that interview was if she were brandishing a strap-on and wearing an Indigo Girls t-shirt as she drove away on an excavator. I’d say “Behind These Hazel Eyes” lies a man-hating dyke with a weight problem.

More from Kelly’s Elle shoot after the jump

(more…)

Since it’s been awhile since I got a frothy I-hate-you-you-stupid-bitch email telling me to “go eat another protein bar on the treadmill” or “make myself purge until me die from dehydration,” I figure it’s about time I made fun of Kelly Clarkson again. Here she is on MTV’s TRL yesterday. All three hundred and seventy pounds of her, wrapped in shiny fabric and encased in leggings. Yum. Word on the street is Clive Davis hated her album and wanted to scrap it entirely, and that there were all kinds of tension between her and her management during production, but Kelly felt that she had to stick to her “artistic vision” in the end. Which is hilarious, really, because everyone knows fat girls don’t have “artistic visions.” Unless the vision also includes a bucket of KFC and a box of eclairs and elastic waist pants with thigh-chafing guards. High five!

More of Tubby on TRL and The Today Show after the jump

(more…)

Little known fact about Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick” — the fabled white whale apparently eluded Captain Ahab by festooning itself in camping tents and sunburning itself to a nice rosy red. Pretty clever, for an albino sperm whale. The sunglasses are a nice touch. You don’t often see a Physeter macrocephalus in a pair of Ray-Bans and a muu-muu. You know, from far away, Moby Dick kinda looks like Kelly Clarkson. Of course, Moby Dick has smaller hips and a much more winning smile, but if you squint really hard and close one eye, I think you’ll see the resemblance. “There she blows!–there she blows! A hump like a snow-hill! It is Moby Dick!”

More of Moby and friends after the jump.

(more…)

Double-chinned songstress Kelly Clarkson has apparently eighty-sixed her squeaky clean “American Idol” image. The Post-Chronicle reports:

Clarkson, who also recently appeared on stage with Metal Skool clutching a bottle of Chivas Regal, has been dealing with the issue of a video of her and [adult filmmaker and Society 1 mastermind Matt] Zane riding in the back of a van and toilet papering [Evanescence's] Amy Lee’s house… “Kelly Clarkson’s people are pissed,” a source from NRG Studio said, adding that they pressured NRG to take action against YouTube to remove the clip of the vandalism.

I’m sure the execs at NRG were more concerned about the width of Kelly’s ass in the video than they were about her porn-y company and childish vandalism. I don’t imagine they wanted any un-photoshopped pics of their client’s rear end floating around on the net. It pains me to say it, but fat people just don’t belong in the entertainment industry. Unless they’re an actor playing the part of a fat person, of course, or posing in a bathing suit for one of those disgustingly hilarious three-tiered greeting cards at Spencer’s Gifts. Don’t get me wrong — fat people are still an important part of our society. You know, for “pointing” and “laughing at.” And also “tripping on the playground.” I know I wouldn’t want to live in a world without fatties. No, sir. It’s just that I don’t want to buy any of their records.

You can get an updated version of the video of Kelly chucking toilet paper at Amy Lee’s house here.

The original American Idol Kelly Clarkson sang at Tony Bennett’s 80th birthday celebration in Hollywood last week. I mean, I guess she sang. Provided all that extra fat she’s packed on didn’t turn the song into garbled nonsensical mush. Which it probably didn’t, because Aretha Franklin can still sing, and she could fit two of Kelly under her right tit and you’d never be the wiser. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t still baffle me, though. I’m always surprised when discernible words emerge from a fat person’s mouth. I always expect a kind of Fat Albert/Cookie Monster/bleating goat noise instead, and then when actual words come out I can’t help but jab a few fingers into the extra chins and folds of flesh around their throats and say, “How the fuck are you doing that?” It’s one of life’s great mysteries. You probably already guessed that I’m a real hit at parties.

More pics of the zaftig Kelly after the jump.

(more…)

One of our stalking pirates spotted Clay Aiken, aka Gayken, at Kelly Clarkson’s concert on Monday: “Last night, in a highly choreographed public outing, Gayken took in the Kelly Clarkson concert in Raleigh, NC., with fellow Idol contestant Rueben Studdard. So choreographed was the appearance that after entering the venue Gayken and Rueben took time before the show to stand up and wave to the crowd. What perhaps was more interesting than the appearance though that has the fans in a tizzy was the notable absence of Gayken’s typically ever-present WWJD bracelet and the presence of mysterious unamed but very visible guy sitting next to Gayken all night (lending more credence to the “rumors” of the type of guys Gayken likes). The best ever though, watching Gayken sing along with Miss Independent. Priceless! Here’s some pics from the event - note the pic of Gayken from behind shows that his new much-talked-about hairdo does nothing to help his thinning spot.”

More pics after the jump.

(more…)