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kelly clarkson fat

This is the last thing a triple-meat hoagie with extra bacon ever sees. Just one more reason to thank God you’re not a sandwich.

Kelly Clarkson performing at KISS FM’s Wango Tango over the weekend:

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PHOTO SOURCE: Mavrix Online

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I hope you’re sitting down, because this is guaranteed to make your panties explode. I’m talking blow the zipper right off your Wranglers. Are you ready? Okay, here goes: MSNBC reports

Kelly Clarkson enjoys walking around her home in the buff, no matter the circumstances. That would include not just when close friends are around, but even when her home is “filled with strangers for photo shoots or fittings.”

Why?

“I just really like being naked,” [says] the “American Idol” star.

You know how that old saying goes — people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Fortunately, I live in a house of 12% body fat and killer gluts, so I feel comfortable saying that Kelly Clarkson needs to steer clear of the glass market. Of course, the plastic slipcover market and anti-chafing powder-gel market can still be all hers.

Kelly not naked at Burbank airport last month:

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American Idol Kelly Clarkson performed on yesterday’s “Good Morning America” for a smattering of fanny-packed tourists who were only there to wave to the cameras for their relatives back in Muncie and a couple of hot dog vendors that ran out of wieners and had nothing better to do. Several news venues called it a “disappointing and lackluster performance,” and Kelly looked — well, she seemed a little… boy, that’s some personality Kelly’s got on her, huh? I think that’s about all the personality you can pack into a pair of low-rise pants. Good thing they reinforced the zipper with half a dozen grommets and titanium eagle overlay. Kelly’s interview in next month’s issue of CosmoGirl offers this insight:

“For six months [in high school, I] was bulimic. One of my guy friends caught on to it, and I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I literally went cold turkey and snapped out of it.”

Well, unfortunately for her, it didn’t take. Not by a long shot. I think the real problem here was that her shame was misdirected. She should have tried being embarrassed by her big fat ass instead being ashamed of binging and purging. Nothing wrong with a little self-doubt, folks. It’s par for the course if you have a vagina. I haven’t spent a lifetime sucking in and crying in front of a mirror and sleeping with losers for nothing, you know. Three cheers for Jose Cuervo and laxatives! And don’t let’s forget the morning-after pill. Some gifts just keep on givin’!

More of the sausage in her casing after the jump

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Kelly Clarkson has canceled her entire 2007 summer tour. Via her official website:

“I can’t tell you how much I’ve been looking forward to getting out there to perform for y’all. In the craziness of the music business, performing is what I look forward to doing the most, so it really is disappointing for me to have to tell you that I won’t be coming out to tour this summer. The fact is that touring is just too much too soon. But I promise you that we’re going to get back out there as soon as is humanly possible to give you a show that will be even better. Thanks for all of your love and continued support.”

Page Six offers this additional insight:

Kelly Clarkson yesterday canceled her Aug. 18 show at Jones Beach and the rest of her summer tour after failing to sell enough tickets to fill 15,000-seat venues… [One] of the tour’s promoters told The Post’s Dan Aquilante: “[Ticket] sales have not been what we anticipated. We came to the realization that we had bit off more than we could chew.”

It all boils down to nobody wanting to pay to watch a fat girl perform. Unless it was maybe a hot dog eating contest or a cannonball to the stomach contest or a spring break belly buster competition for a case of Budweiser. You might pay then. You also might pay to lay under a glass table and jerk off while she takes a big naked dump on it. It’s called a fetish, people! There’s good money in it.

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Kelly Clarkson gives herself a metaphorical mullet in the July issue of Elle magazine. Us Weekly quotes her as saying:

“My point of view is that I shouldn’t be a mother at all, because I’d be horrible. I’m not willing to be that selfless. I’m not keen on marriage. I don’t let many people in. Men come and go. Friends are what I care about. And I’m fine with [seeing unflattering paparazzi shots of herself]. I just don’t care. I don’t wear makeup in public. I don’t worry about what I’m wearing.”

So, clearly, she’d be the “daddy” in the relationship. The butch one. The one in the sleeveless plaid flannel with curry wedged under her fingernails. The only way Kelly could have sounded any gayer in that interview was if she were brandishing a strap-on and wearing an Indigo Girls t-shirt as she drove away on an excavator. I’d say “Behind These Hazel Eyes” lies a man-hating dyke with a weight problem.

More from Kelly’s Elle shoot after the jump

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