In a totally unexpected turn of events, Britney Spears has given up all attempts to regain custody of her children from ex-husband Kevin Federline. Popozao! Kevin’s attorney told OK! Magazine

“A final settlement in the Kevin Federline-Britney Spears custody case was signed. All parties have agreed to the following: Kevin will retain sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Britney will continue to have visitation rights which may increase over time.”

You know how that old saying goes — ” If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it’s because you dipped it in nacho cheese and tried to eat it again.”

Shopping in L.A. July 11th:

Britney Spears met up with ex-husband Kevin Federline in court yesterday for her first custody hearing in over three months. This one went decidedly better than the last one, in that she didn’t show up five hours late and talking in a British accent. TMZ says

Brit will get three days of supervised visitation per week… [and] she will also have overnight visitation within a month. The goal is to ramp it up over the next few months so that Brit gets 50/50 custody [again].

Good for her. It looks like she’s finally learned her lesson. Like she said on the way out of the courthouse, “Making the decision to have a child - it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.” No, wait — that’s not right… I think it was Elizabeth Stone who said that. My mistake. Britney actually said, “Dammit, SP, I dun tole ya ta quit touchin’ Mama’s smokes with them grubby little fingers a yers. I sed QUIT!” Ah, the mother-child bond! It brings a tear to the eye.

At Bally Total Fitness yesterday:

Britney Spears has reportedly been filming herself for the past six months in the hopes that the footage will help the public understand “what she’s been through” in the last half year. Or maybe make her look even more batshit insane than already does. Can’t hurt, right? A source told Britain’s Daily Mirror

“Justin Timberlake and her ex-husband Kevin Federline are terrified the material will end up on the internet. Or, even worse, Britney will agree to another MTV documentary and release some of the footage through official channels.”

The source [added]: “Although some of the footage is really sad to watch, especially the parts where she is close to breakdown - others are dynamite. If she does decide to go public with the footage, it will be explosive.”

Unfortunately, pairing the name “Britney Spears” with the word “explosive” might be a mistake. Before 2003, the words “Britney Spears” and “explosive” might have meant “super sexy ratings lock,” but since her divorce from Federline, the only thing that comes to mind is “American Standard Champion” and “shopping bag fulll of laxatives.” Marketing execs might want to consider a less forcefully descriptive adjective if they decide to go public with the footage.

Vintage Britney video footage:

Those supervised visits with mommy apparently register as “terrifying” on the toddler distress scale, because Britney’s boys have been having nightmares ever since she came back into their lives. According to Page Six

Sean Preston has been sleeping in the same room as father Kevin Federline lately because he’s been having nightmares. Preston also cried for his dad at first when Britney picked them up. The boys are said to be confused when it comes to their mom, which is another reason why either Jamie Spears or a psychologist is present during the visits.

I’d say “confused” is an understatement. You can’t expect a kid to just black out the night mommy was strapped to a stretcher and hauled away. The wail of the sirens; the flashing blue lights; the steady drone of the choppers circling overhead while mommy screams from inside the bathroom — it’s practically Viet fucking Nam, for Chrissakes. Only instead of the man in the black pajamas, it’s a fat chick in a pink wig and British accent. That’s got Post Traumatic Stress Disorder written all over it.

Britney shopping on Robertson Blvd Tuesday:

Kevin Federline spent a little time on the greens in Los Angeles over the weekend. From the looks of it, he also spent a lot of time sweating and clutching his heart in between bites of a double-bacon cheeseburger.

After nearly two months without seeing her children, Britney Spears was finally reunited with her sons on Saturday. People Magazine reports

After lawyers for Spears and Kevin Federline reached a visitation agreement Friday, the pop star saw her children for the first time since Jan. 3. Sources confirm that Jamie and Britney’s psychiatrist were present for the visit.

The last time they saw mommy she had one of them locked in the bathroom and left tied to a stretcher, so as long as one of them didn’t get eaten by a bear this time around, I can only assume it went a little better. Although I’m sure Sean Preston was disappointed in the lack of emergency vehicles and helicopters at Mommy’s house. That’ll all change once he’s old enough to start setting fires and torturing animals in a desperate plea for his mother’s attention. Nothing brings out the boys in blue and the firetrucks like arson and the first signs of sociopathic behavior. It sure worked like a charm for Charles Manson!

EDITOR’S NOTE: The picture above is not from the three-hour supervised visit on Saturday. You’ll note the lack of a psychiatrist armed with restraints and a syringe full of sedatives in the background.

Britney Spears requested an emergency hearing yesterday in an attempt to regain some sort of visitation rights, asking that she be allowed to spend time with the children in a medically supervised setting. Repeat: she requested the hearing. Unfortunately, she never actually showed up to the hearing yesterday, which didn’t help her case as much as you would think. According TMZ

Brit arrived at the courthouse and went through the metal detector, but then had a change of heart and didn’t want to go inside the courtroom. Brit wanted visitation restored in a “therapeutic setting” — meaning under the treatment of medical professionals — but that wasn’t gonna happen, especially since she never showed to make a plea. The Court noted Brit’s absence.

K-Fed [retains] sole custody and no visitation for Brit for now.

Before we jump to conclusions, has anyone considered that maybe she suffers from “Legal Batophobia,” or fear of court houses? I distinctly remember her saying “I’m scared, I’m scared” in the parking lot of the last hearing she missed. It makes perfect sense. In fact, a lot of her behavior lately makes sense if you take in her many irrational fears. I can think ten phobias she clearly suffers from right off the top of my head.

10. Trichophobia — fear of human hair. Hence the shitty weaves. That one’s pretty obvious.

9. Vestiphobia — fear of bras and support garments. Nipple much?

8. Dermapharmacophobia — fear of Clearasil and Stridex. Maybe she likes her boils!

7. Anrhypovestiphobia — fear of stain-resistant shirts. Stains add character.

6. Lachanophobia — fear of any foods not battered and deep-fried. Well, they’re not as tasty.

5. Eudacibophobia — fear of any food not sugar-coated. See #6.

4. Eudamelophobia — fear of good music. Anyone who’s purchased any of her albums knows exactly what I’m talking about here.

3. Hypengyophobia — fear of responsibility. Probably the impetus for the new personalities and the chronic lateness.

2. Monophobia — fear of being alone. Explains the paparazzi BFFs and the Sam Lufti entourage.

and the number one phobia plaguing Britney Jean Spears:

1. Pedophobia — fear of children. They always want you to do lame stuff like change their diapers and read books. So boring, it’s scary!

Britney doing what she does best — leaving court — yesterday morning:

Commissioner Gordon ruled yesterday that Kevin Federline would maintain “indefinite” sole legal and physical custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James. It would seem that Britney’s plan of showing up to court almost five hours after testimony began and then never actually setting foot inside the building wasn’t the custody lock she’d expected. According to People magazine

Spears arrived for the afternoon session of the proceedings but abruptly left the courthouse after paparazzi surrounded her. “I’m scared. I want to get in the car,” she said… as photographers crowded around her. Spears then got back in the car. Police tried to coax her out, but she slammed her back against the seat and shouted, “No!”

What in God’s name is she so “afraid” of? It couldn’t be the paparazzi. Remember, these are the same guys she routinely tips off herself, and — in case you forgot — she also happens to be dating one of them. She was seen visiting the Little Brown Church with her Final Pixx photographer boyfriend Adnan Ghalib after that first courthouse drive-by yesterday, and a source close to Kevin Federline told Page Six that’s she’s planning on tying the knot a third time:

First, the source says that Britney called and let K-Fed know she was getting hitched. Later, Kev heard that one of Adnan’s purposes in crossing the border with Brit after her hospitalization was to get a quickie divorce from wife AzLynn. Brit’s been stepping out in a lot of white lace lately, even going so far as to don the dress from her wedding party with K-Fed over the weekend.

I married my gerbil Frank to my pet turtle Cinderella when I was in the second grade. I had this doll-sized bridal veil that I taped to Cinderella’s back and I scattered some flower petals and played “The Wedding March” on my recorder to make it sound really official and everything. I even videotaped it for them. Unfortunately, Frank kept going to the bathroom during the ceremony and I couldn’t ever get Cinderella to come out of her shell and neither of them ever came back from their honeymoon in the backyard. It was still a more credible marriage than Britney Spears to the guy who used to stalk her for money.

Britney minus a bra with Adnan at the mall this past weekend:

Britney Spears’ meltdown last week has proven to be less of the “bipolar” variety and more of the little good ol’ fashioned “idiot self-sabatoge” kind. Female First says

A source [said] “Britney was mad she had to attend [last Thursday's] deposition when it was her day with the kids. She was supposed to give them back at 7pm but wanted to keep them for two extra hours. When they said no she pitched a fit and locked herself in the house.”

However, the deposition date [was] set for Thursday because Britney had failed to attend the day before. The scheduled deposition was set to begin at 9:45 a.m., but Britney did not arrive until 11:32 a.m. [Her] visitation rights for that day were from 12pm until 7pm and the deposition was held at a location just 15 minutes drive from her home, meaning she did not lose any of her allotted time with the boys.

So, basically, she threw a fit about something that never even happened and that would have been her fucking fault had it happened in the first place. Jesus H. That’s like firing off a couple of rounds in the top of your foot and then screaming and throttling the gun for blowing off your toes. And God knows you don’t get anywhere with a gun by yelling at it. If Britney really wanted to make her point, she should stand the gun upright and use the trigger as a foothold while she hops around on it like a pogo stick. That’d sure show Kevin Federline who’s boss!

Britney Spears checking into the Peninsula Hotel on Monday:

There’s no denying the magnificent power of call of the douche, as illustrated by Paris Hilton’s assortment of douchetastic boyfriends. Reminiscent of the braying of a donkey or the primal screech of a lust-filled baboon, the douchebag’s song implores its fellow douchebag to commence the mating ritual. But what happens when rival douchebags sound off in close proximity? Douchebaggery aplenty, that’s what! Daily Mail says

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton appears to have a new fondness for famous fathers - after she was spotted with both the ex-partners of Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith. Just 24 hours after the socialite was photographed cozying up to Kevin Federline in Las Vegas, she spent New Year’s Eve enjoying an intimate chat with Larry Birkhead - father of tragic Anna Nicole Smith’s baby Dannielynn. While Hilton appeared to be enjoying Federline’s company over the weekend, on New Year’s Eve the socialite [preferred] photographer Birkhead.

Boy, that ought to get the old gene pool a-bubblin’! Larry Birkhead and Paris Hilton vs. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton. I’d like to see the bastard results of those Punnett squares right there. A couple of centimeters to the left and Paris ought to be able to see what’s behind her without ever turning her head, so there’s a pretty good chance the kid would end up with monocular vision no matter who the daddy is. You know, where the eyes work independently of each other and span 360 degrees. Like Cookie Monster, if Cookie Monster had a grapefruit and a ping-pong ball positioned either side of his head instead of googly eyes and a nose made of partially-melted silly putty. Think “camel,” only uglier and probably wearing a Starter jacket.

Paris celebrating New Year’s Eve in a variety of stupid poses:

Britney Spears is going to turn the custody tables on Kevin Federline by drug testing the kiddies for second hand marijuana smoke exposure. Life & Style Magazine says

“Britney believes Kevin’s been smoking pot in front of the kids,” says a friend of hers. “She says she can smell it in the boys’ hair and on their clothes when she has her visitation with them. She’s asked the lawyers if they can prove the kids have been exposed to environments in which drugs have been taken. They told her she should snip off a few strands of their hair right after they’ve returned from Kevin’s place and have them analyzed in a lab.”

Since Brit submits to regular court-ordered drug tests herself, her legal team intends to call an emergency hearing if Sean and Jayden test positive for pot. “Kevin could lose custody,” says the insider.

That’s what you call “fighting fire with fire.” Or “retard with head injury.” Or “monkey with Britney Spears.” And I know I’d pay good money to watch a monkey fight Britney Spears. Especially if it was retarded and had a head injury. Sorry, Fox Network — I thought of it first!

Elementary, my dear Watson:

Britney Spears continues careening down the highway to hell her chosen path with rumors of an impending marriage to Osama Lufti. According to MSNBC

This time she wants to hitch her wagon to professional hanger-on Sam Lutfi. In fact… Britney already announced her marital ambitions to her lawyers and ex-hubby, Kevin Federline. “[The lawyers] begged her to at least get a prenup, but she didn’t seem to be listening, and Kevin has forbidden Britney from having Sam around the boys [and] has threatened to get a restraining order. She’ll lose custody if she allows Sam around them, Kevin will make sure of it.”

But will the danger of losing her kids be enough to keep Brit from heading down the aisle a third time? … Unlikely. “Britney is completely under Sam’s spell. Everyone sees through him, except her. I hear that he stays with her most of the time, and she pays for his food, his bar and restaurant tabs and his clothing. She takes car of everything.”

Sam Lufti is like the poor man’s Kevin Federline, and Kevin Federline is already the poor man’s Rico Suave, so figuring it all out gets a little complicated. Basically, if Rico Suave took a dump in a box and slapped a goatee and sideburns on it, you’d be left with Sam Lufti. And if you scraped the cheese off Rico Suave’s dick and mixed in a little Cool Water cologne, you’d get Kevin Federline. Mix the both of them together and you get cauliflower ear and burning when you pee. I don’t recommend it.

Britney gas stationing it up over the weekend: