There’s no denying the magnificent power of call of the douche, as illustrated by Paris Hilton’s assortment of douchetastic boyfriends. Reminiscent of the braying of a donkey or the primal screech of a lust-filled baboon, the douchebag’s song implores its fellow douchebag to commence the mating ritual. But what happens when rival douchebags sound off in close proximity? Douchebaggery aplenty, that’s what! Daily Mail says

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton appears to have a new fondness for famous fathers - after she was spotted with both the ex-partners of Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith. Just 24 hours after the socialite was photographed cozying up to Kevin Federline in Las Vegas, she spent New Year’s Eve enjoying an intimate chat with Larry Birkhead - father of tragic Anna Nicole Smith’s baby Dannielynn. While Hilton appeared to be enjoying Federline’s company over the weekend, on New Year’s Eve the socialite [preferred] photographer Birkhead.

Boy, that ought to get the old gene pool a-bubblin’! Larry Birkhead and Paris Hilton vs. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton. I’d like to see the bastard results of those Punnett squares right there. A couple of centimeters to the left and Paris ought to be able to see what’s behind her without ever turning her head, so there’s a pretty good chance the kid would end up with monocular vision no matter who the daddy is. You know, where the eyes work independently of each other and span 360 degrees. Like Cookie Monster, if Cookie Monster had a grapefruit and a ping-pong ball positioned either side of his head instead of googly eyes and a nose made of partially-melted silly putty. Think “camel,” only uglier and probably wearing a Starter jacket.

Paris celebrating New Year’s Eve in a variety of stupid poses:

Britney Spears is going to turn the custody tables on Kevin Federline by drug testing the kiddies for second hand marijuana smoke exposure. Life & Style Magazine says

“Britney believes Kevin’s been smoking pot in front of the kids,” says a friend of hers. “She says she can smell it in the boys’ hair and on their clothes when she has her visitation with them. She’s asked the lawyers if they can prove the kids have been exposed to environments in which drugs have been taken. They told her she should snip off a few strands of their hair right after they’ve returned from Kevin’s place and have them analyzed in a lab.”

Since Brit submits to regular court-ordered drug tests herself, her legal team intends to call an emergency hearing if Sean and Jayden test positive for pot. “Kevin could lose custody,” says the insider.

That’s what you call “fighting fire with fire.” Or “retard with head injury.” Or “monkey with Britney Spears.” And I know I’d pay good money to watch a monkey fight Britney Spears. Especially if it was retarded and had a head injury. Sorry, Fox Network — I thought of it first!

Elementary, my dear Watson:

Britney Spears continues careening down the highway to hell her chosen path with rumors of an impending marriage to Osama Lufti. According to MSNBC

This time she wants to hitch her wagon to professional hanger-on Sam Lutfi. In fact… Britney already announced her marital ambitions to her lawyers and ex-hubby, Kevin Federline. “[The lawyers] begged her to at least get a prenup, but she didn’t seem to be listening, and Kevin has forbidden Britney from having Sam around the boys [and] has threatened to get a restraining order. She’ll lose custody if she allows Sam around them, Kevin will make sure of it.”

But will the danger of losing her kids be enough to keep Brit from heading down the aisle a third time? … Unlikely. “Britney is completely under Sam’s spell. Everyone sees through him, except her. I hear that he stays with her most of the time, and she pays for his food, his bar and restaurant tabs and his clothing. She takes car of everything.”

Sam Lufti is like the poor man’s Kevin Federline, and Kevin Federline is already the poor man’s Rico Suave, so figuring it all out gets a little complicated. Basically, if Rico Suave took a dump in a box and slapped a goatee and sideburns on it, you’d be left with Sam Lufti. And if you scraped the cheese off Rico Suave’s dick and mixed in a little Cool Water cologne, you’d get Kevin Federline. Mix the both of them together and you get cauliflower ear and burning when you pee. I don’t recommend it.

Britney gas stationing it up over the weekend:

No birthday party is complete without a drunken 1 a.m. booty call to an ex-husband. You know, the one who has custody of the children while you’re out lumbering around a dance floor in a fur coat with a cosmo and a smoke in your grubby paws. Page Six reports

Spears wanted to call her ex-husband, Kevin Federline - but had to borrow [Paris] Hilton’s cellphone “because she could not find her own,” [said] a source. Spears invited Federline to join her at the club during the 1 a.m. call. “She begged him to come out with her,” a source said, “[but] Kevin reminded her that one of them needed to be a parent and take care of the boys. Then she hung up on him.”

I imagine the conversation ended with Britney yelling “Well, fuck you, then, you fuckin’ boy scout!” and then slamming the cell phone down on the table. And then slamming it again. And again, and again, and finally pounding it against the table top like a monkey with a coconut because “the stupid fuckin’ phone won’t fuckin’ hang up already!” before she threw up in a gift bag.

More from the birthday party:

A judge ruled yesterday that Britney Spears will get Christmas morning with the kids, but of course that could all change if she’s found guilty of abusing them. Hope y’all wanted a stocking fulla mama’s backhand for Christmas! According to Star Pulse

Troubled pop star Britney Spears and her ex-husband Kevin Federline are both under investigation by the Los Angeles County Department of Child and Family Services. DCFS will appeal to Commissioner Scott Gordon to open the files regarding the care of their young boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James. The department’s concerns are said to be “frivolous,” but DCFS has a legal obligation to investigate any such claims.

Britney hasn’t been permitted any unsupervised time with her kids for months now, so I doubt the investigation involves her beating them. Accidentally ashing in one of their eyes or running over one of them with her car, sure. But not physical abuse. Unless you count being related to either one of those douchebags abuse, in which case you should lock them both up and throw away the key. You know, because Britney might try to eat it. I’m pretty sure in her head, “shiny” = “butter-flavored and delicious.”

Britney at Mirabella last week:

Britney Spears is about to turn the tables on K-Fed by hiring a private dick of her own. Heh heh… private dick. TMZ reports

The popwreck wants to prove she’s not the only one who screws up. Sources [say] Brit has hired a P.I. company to dig up dirt on her ex. One source says Spears witnessed K-Fed smoking dope and drinking beer around the kids during their marriage. Brit’s camp hopes they can get the goods and turn the tables in the custody battle.

Britney probably rounded up the stoner and his talking dog and that douchebag in the ascot headed straight to K-Fed’s house. Only they got lost along the way and wound up at a haunted amusement park. And they would have thwarted that evil caretaker, too, if Tubby there hadn’t eaten all the Scooby snacks and run over Wilma with the fucking Mystery Machine. Yep, Kevin Federline doesn’t have anything to worry about.

Britney looking foxy as usual:

Now that he’s got Britney covering most of his legal bills, K-Fed plans on dragging her back to court today — with any luck, still in his eyepatch. Yarrrgh! TMZ says

Sources say K-Fed’s lawyer will go before L.A. County Commissioner Scott Gordon tomorrow morning, arguing that Britney has failed to respond in a timely manner when she is called for random drug testing. We’re told Kaplan will ask to modify the existing custody order giving Britney limited visitation rights. We’re told this could be a real dogfight.

Britney’s lawyers will probably argue that she’s just mentally unstable and mired in the zitty swamps of depression. According to Us Weekly

Sources blame her bizarre public behavior (swapping clothes with a stranger, among her recent moves) on psychological issues, not drugs. “It’s not substance abuse — it’s mental!” a confidante [says]. Pals suspect adult-onset ADD or depression, with one friend saying, “Postpartum has always been a problem” after giving birth to Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.

Maybe she just likes to have a good time. In other people’s clothes. Did you even consider that? Jesus, when did people start to get so pushy? I know here lately I can’t have a good time without local law enforcement showing up and yanking the cord right right when I’m at the best part of “Southern Cross.” “I have my ship, and all her flags are a-flyin’ — she is all that I have left, and music is her NAAAAME (bah bah bah think about) Think about how many times I have FAA-hall-len — Spirits are using me, cut your hmm-hmm CALL-hall-len. Bleh blehblehbleh cannot be forgoh-hot-ten… I HAVE BEEN AROU-HOW-HOUND —” and then the electric shriek of a microphone suddenly silenced by a cop tapping his knight stick against the palm of his hand. Probably not the best time to throw up. But is there ever a “good time” to throw up? That’s what you call a “rhetorical question,” which from my experience means “Don’t you dare answer with some smart-ass ‘rhetort’ unless you want a spine full of taser and your cuffs tightened.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Enjoy much fitter version of Britney being forced into rehab in Duran Duran’s “Falling Down.”

Britney chandelier shopping, because if there’s one thing a compulsive overeater with a meth habit needs, it’s a chandelier:

More bad news for Britney Spears — tubby has been ordered by the courts to foot K-Fed’s legal bills. TMZ reports

The request was made on November 6 by Federline seeking payment of $160,000 in attorney’s fees. The court docs state that Federline is “self-employed as a performing artist” and that “he does not earn any income.” The judge ordered Spears to pay $120,000 of those fees.

No word yet on K-Fed’s request that Britney wipe his bottom with hundred dollar bills after every bowel movement and spoon-feed him Tanqueray and Hennessey while he reclines nude on a cashmere throw. But just give it a little more time! I’m pretty sure the courts are going to rule in his favor.

Britney shopping for chandeliers while her children sit in the car with the parenting coach:

Britney Spears’ former assistant claims that Britney’s emotional breakdown is actually the result of K-Fed’s on-going schemes and machinations to gain access to more child support money. According to the Daily Mail

Federline was jealous of his wife’s stardom, which he feared drew attention away from his faltering attempts to launch a hip-hop career. He allegedly took advantage of her volatile temper after the pair had a Halloween 2006 argument. Four days later, she announced that she was petitioning to end their two-year marriage. She told [former hair dresser Kalie] Machado this was an attempt to demonstrate her anger to Federline [but that] she had no desire to go through with a divorce. However, [Kevin] refused to take her back. “She stood up for herself and it kind of backfired. (It) was what Kevin really wanted,” Machado said.

The rejection caused her to spiral out of control and sink into a depression — all part of Kevin’s carefully orchestrated master plan:

Last Christmas, Britney fell into a black depression. She hung her wedding dress up in her Malibu bedroom and kept framed photos of her and Federline all over the house. Machado insists she never saw her abuse drugs, but adds, “She did drink heavily and became a binge eater. [She was] convinced that she was losing her looks. She had extensions in her hair and she hated them,” - but she refused to allow professionals to take them out. Filled with self-loathing, “She didn’t want people touching her any more,” [so she shaved them off herself].”

Kevin Federline, evil mastermind? Yeah, right. This is the guy that penned “Popozao” and actually showed up to court in an eye patch. The only thing he could mastermind is a number 6 combo at the Taco Bell and maybe the best way to roll a blunt. On the other hand, tricking Britney Spears can’t be that hard. She doesn’t exactly play her cards close to her chest, if you know what I mean. It’s more like she hold them out at arms’ length, jumps up and down waving them around in between gulps of vodka, flashes her beaver, flops out a nip, bawls inconsolably, and then thrusts them in your face screaming “Insecure! I’m insecure! Right here! On the card! See? It says ‘Completely fucking insecure!’” and then she hurls them in your lap and throws up on your shoes. It’s like putting a sign on a disoriented bear that says “poke here really hard.”

More court documents detailing Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s personal spending habits were released yesterday, and as expected, Britney is big into diversification and building globally efficient equity portfolios. Wait — hang on a minute — that’s not right. I’m sorry. It should have read “buys a lot of fried chicken and see-through polyester with sequins. Also cigarettes.” Then some hearts and grease stains and a little bit of throw up down towards the bottom. People Magazine reports

Spears earns approximately $737,000 per month. Britney’s Expenses:

• $102,000 on entertainment, gifts and vacation
• $49,267 on mortgage payments
• $16,000 on clothes
• $4,758 on eating out
• $2,500 on phone bills

Federline earned more than a half million dollars in 2006 – but minus business expenses, he only grossed $7,436. Federline earned $3,300 in royalties in 2006 for his debut song “Popozao.” Federline receives $15,000 a month in child support payments from his ex. Kevin’s Expenses:

• $5,000 on entertainment, gifts and vacation
• $7,500 on rent
• $2,000 on clothes
• $1,500 on eating out
• $750 on phone bills

The only thing I care about here is that K-Fed made three grand off “Popozao,” and there are court documents to prove it. It’s one of those things that you have to see to believe, like the three-legged chicken at a county fair or Paris Hilton not sucking a dick. It’s practically a Christmas miracle!

More of Brit in her costume because I can’t stop:

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline spent three glorious hours in court on Friday in yet another child custody hearing. After seven or so smoke breaks Britney left the courtoom sobbing, stopping only to yell obscenities to the media parked outside. Extra reports

When asked by [a] reporter in the hallway outside a Los Angeles Superior courtroom as to how she was doing, Britney Spears shouted out, “”Eat it, lick it, snort it, [fuck] it!” [and] walked back into the courtroom crying.

Dammit! Now what am I going to use for my sister’s wedding toast? Stupid Britney Spears ruins everything. Good thing I had a back up toast for just such an occasion: “Here’s to pussy and gunsmoke — Live by one, die by the other, and love the smell of both in the mornin!” Believe me, there won’t be a dry eye in the house on her special day.

Britney shopping at Swings ‘n’ Things on Thursday:

Britney and K-Fed attended their first court-ordered class at the Beverly Hills Hotel yesterday morning. People magazine says

The Parenting Without Conflict program… teaches cooperative parenting and communication skills. Part of the program is doing drills called “polite requests.” “Instead of saying ‘You’re always bringing the kids home late because you’re an insensitive jerk,’” explains a supervisor for the program, “We teach parents instead to say ‘When you bring the kids home late, I feel like you’re not valuing my time, and I feel hurt or angry as a result.”

TMZ adds

Sources say Britney was actually looking forward to discussing parenting with her ex — however, after arriving at the location, Brit was distraught and seen bawling like a baby in the bathroom. It’s only the third time Brit and K-Fed have been in the same room since they separated.

I guess it’s hard to make “shut your fuckin’ legs, bitch — I can’t breathe!” and “I hate you and wish you were dead” a polite request. Hard, but not impossible. All Kevin had to do is adopt less accusatory phrasing and add a “please” or “could I trouble you to…” to his entreaty. Voila! — polite. That also works great in public settings with people you don’t know. For example, let’s say the waiter brings you a regular beer instead of a light. Make direct eye contact, smile, speak from your diaphragm and say, “I see here that you brought me a regular Corona. While I appreciate the gesture, I ordered a Corona Light.” Or maybe some guy lights up next to your asthmatic child at the park. Once again speaking from the diaphragm, annunciate clearly and say, “Hey, faggot! If you don’t put out that cigarette in the next ten seconds, I’m going to stab your mom and your sister the throat with this rusty kitchen knife because I know where they fucking live. Thanks.” Follow that up with a firm handshake and a sincere smile and enjoy the ensuing social pleasantry wherever you go!

More of Britney’s imaginary dance-off