Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is engaged! Yeah, I don’t give a rat’s ass, either. People Magazine says

Kevin Jonas, 21, surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa, 22, by showing up at her doorstep early Wednesday morning, dropping down to his knee [and presenting her] with a cushion-cut diamond ring that [he] designed.

Deleasa, a former hairdresser, first met Jonas two years ago [while vacationing with her family in the Bahamas]. It was Kevin who eagerly pursued her after… spotting her walking on the beach with a flower in her hair.

It might sound romantic from here, but the reality is he’s barely old enough to drink and still a goddamn virgin. The only way this marriage could be more destined for failure is if his incontinent grandmother moved in with them and Danielle developed an allergy to unibrows.

In “Gayest Thing You’ll See All Day” news, The Jonas Brothers unveiled their retina-scarring wax figures at Madame Tussaud’s in Times Square today.  No doubt they can’t wait until everyone leaves so they can stare wistfully at their replica selves and fondle each other in inappropriate shame.

You know what, I’m not really sure your psyches are quite sufficiently damaged.  Let’s go in for some terrifying close-ups, shall we?

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