Khloe Kardashian fervently denied allegations that she was the product of an affair that mom Kris Jenner had with her hairdresser twenty years ago, maintaining that Robert Kardashian, and not Alex Roldan, was her father. Which is weird because today, her 14-year-old sister Kylie posted a photo of her with Alex Roldan with the caption: ‘First official photo of my sister and her dad! Like father like daughter!” I can kinda see the similarities, but I’m more inclined to believe Khloe was the product of an affair Kris had with a Sasquatch. A brow ridge like that is really more cryptid than human.

You already knew that Kim Kardashian was a vapid self-absorbed twat, but even I hadn’t fully grasped the voracity of her own ego until now. The Daily Mail says:

Kim Kardashian was seen reading a Google Alert about herself on her Blackberry when she ran errands in Los Angeles earlier this week.

The system notifies users when a particular name crops up in the news, so that the person in question can keep up with the world is saying about them.

And 31-year-old Kim was seen stopping as she checked out what the press was saying about her that day.

As Kim clutched her phone a message clearly reading ‘RE: Google Alert – Kim Kardashian’ was legible on her screen.

Before we judge, maybe it wasn’t the display of insatiable vanity and abject narcissism that it appeared on the surface. She was probably just checking her Google Alerts to make sure she was still famous. She knows as well as you do that her 15 minutes are long since up.

Photoshopped into another dimension in their krappy denim kollections for Sears:

This will neither shock nor surprise you, but it turns out the overpriced shit the Kardashians hawk at their stupid Dash stores is actually manufactured in overseas sweatshops. Who could have ever fathomed the Kardashians were soulless money-grubbers? I know this is certainly the first I’m hearing of this. Radar Online says:

Items in the family’s high-end K-Dash by Kardashian label and the Kris Jenner Kollection, and ShoeDazzle, a company that Kim cofounded and endorses, are all manufactured in… squalid factory-run dormitories filled with the stench of sewage while toiling up to 84 hours during seven-day work weeks to produce some of the goods that helped the rest of their family earn $65 million last year.

Shockingly, the impoverished workers earn just a paltry $1 an hour, with temperatures inside non-air-conditioned factories soaring to over 100˚F. Workers in the region can come out with as little as $15 a month once rent and food debts have been paid to their bosses.

“You can’t talk during working hour… You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes. If you’re highly specialized, you cannot even go to the bathroom.”

The allegations about Kardashian products in this post have nothing to do with their products sold at Sears.

See, this is exactly why you don’t want to get your associate’s at the Kathie Lee Gifford School of Business.

At the Kardashian Khaos store at the Mirage Hotel & Casino in Vegas last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

There’s one thing that popped into my head when seeing these pictures of the Kardashians and the Jenners gussied up in their tacky finery for the launch party of The Kardashian Kollection at Sears. Scarlett from Gone with the Wind quoting what Mammy said about her and Rhett: “She said we could give ourselves airs, and get ourselves all slicked up like race horses but we were just mules in horse harness and we didn’t fool anybody.” I know, that’s a little harsh. Mules are fine, dependable creatures in the animal kingdom with a useful purpose. Comparing them to this crowd is an insult to hard-working mules everywhere.

The Kardashian Kollection doesn’t officially arrive in Sears stores until August 25th, but you can buy it online today as part of a special pre-sale to celebrate its launch. In case the name didn’t give it away, though, the line’s komplete krap. A lot of lycra and synthetic fibers and Kambodian sweatshop finesse. “Highly flammable” will probably be the nicest thing any product review will have to say about it.

Kim and Kris and the kamera krew, milking her father’s grave for ratings:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kim Kardashian is a woman with something to prove. And no, it isn’t that she has a viable excuse for being alive, it’s that her ass is real. Digital Spy reports,

Kim Kardashian has revealed an X-ray of her bottom to prove that it’s real.

The Kourtney & Kim Take New York star’s sister Khloe posted a photograph of Kim posing next to an X-ray of her famous behind on her official website this week.

An accompanying message reads: “Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim’s ass is 100% real!!! (sic)”

Kim wrote on her own Twitter feed: “Haha! The things my sisters have me do! Proof baby!… See, it’s REAL!!! LOL.”

Oh yes, I absolutely believe it’s real. But let’s expand on the term “real”. Technically, the tissue that I stuff into my bra is real; tissue is a real, tangible object, making my larger (if somewhat lumpy and misshapen) bustline real. It’s all how you spin it. Fat injected into your ass is absolutely real. Kim K, you’re going to get up awfully early in the morning to outsmart this D-cup!

Khloe Kardashian made the mistake of wearing a see-through shirt and no bra when she went on Fox & Friends with sister Kourtney this morning, and of course the inevitable happened: she slipped a nip on live TV (Fox has since pulled the video). But according to my copy of “Hog-Farming for Beginners,” pigs have anywhere from eight to twelve nipples, so one of Khloe’s teats was bound to pop out sooner or later. I just hope this doesn’t mean we get another six weeks of winter.

Khloe Kardashian posted these pics from Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ engagement party on her website this weekend, posing alongside one of the ponies brought in especially for the celebration. If you’re having trouble telling them apart, just remember, the horse is the one covered in glitter. If it doesn’t sparkle, then it’s Khloe.

There is no such thing as cosmic justice. Case in point? Radar Online says:

The Kardashian family…. earned a staggering $65 million last year.

Just to put in perspective how much money the Kardashians made in 2010, it was more than Tom Cruise, Sandra Bullock and Angelina Jolie made combined!

“My job was trying to take my kids’ 15 minutes and turn it into 30,” Kris said.

“My mother has just always been this ‘Let’s make water into wine’ person… She knows how to take one small talent or ability and grow it into something huge,” Khloe said of her mother.

I never really thought of “ass” as a talent, but it certainly has grown into something huge for the Kardashians. No denying that. So Kris planted the seed of talent, and then some black guy peed on it, and now they’re fucking multimillionaires. I guess that all that’s left now is to wait for the moon to turn to blood and the four horseman of the Apocalypse to pull up out back.

Kim and her mom at the Unknown premiere at The Mann Village Theatre:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

The Kardashian sisters have stuck their fingers into practically every pie available — clothing, perfume, books, reality television, etc., etc. — but there still remained one well that had yet gone untapped. Until now. The Daily Mail says:

Kim Kardashian has revealed how she funded a church set up last year in Calabasas by her mother Kris Jenner.

“My mum has helped create a church, so [I] help fund that,” she said. “I give 10 per cent away to the church and that’s what I was taught. Every year. Absolutely.”

The 30-year-old was referring to the LifeChange Community Church, which was founded by Kris and Reverend Brad Johnson, the embattled pastor [who] left his prominent position as leader of the Calvary Community Church in disgrace after his infidelities were revealed in May 2007.

It’s just like a regular Jesus church, except some of the rules are different. Like the Ten Commandments, for example. At Our Lady of the Kardashian Church, they’re called the Ten Kommandments. And they only mention adultery as it pertains to video cameras.

KIM KARDASHIAN’S TEN KOMMANDMENTS

1. Thou shalt vigorously deny plastic surgery, even when faced with blatant and obvious evidence to the contrary

2. Thou shalt not post unto the internet any unretouched images of me.

3. Thou shalt not have intercourse with light-skinned men of European origin.

4. Thou shalt not have intercourse with dark-skinned men of African origin who are not professional athletes/rappers.

5. Thou shalt not have intercourse with dark-skinned men of African origin who are professional athletes/rappers without first setting up thy camcorder.

6. Thou shalt purchase all of our overpriced crap and useth only credit cards embossed with our likenesses

7. Thou shalt not leave the house without thy false eyelashes, an ephah of liquid foundation, and 40 shekels of powder

8. Thou shalt celebrate my birthday six times a year

9. Thou shalt not spit unless thy camera runneth out of batteries first

10. Thou shalt not deny a rapper the pleasure of a golden shower

The ugly one with her dark-skinned man of African origin professional athlete:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Pretty soon you’ll be able to cruise over to your local Sears and garb yourself like one of the Kardashians! Plastic surgery and sexual self-degradation is optional. OK! Magazine says,

Kim, Kourtney and Khoé Kardashian’s new Kardashian Kollection available at Sears will feature approximately 40 clothing pieces, 20 lingerie styles, 60 pieces of jewelry, 30 bags, 25 hats and gloves, and 12 pairs of shoes,” WWD reports (via Refinery 29).

Why Sears and not…. Kohl’s?

“Not only do they [Sears] have locations nationwide, but we recognize that Sears will allow us to reach multigenerations of fans and people who are interested in fabulous clothing at affordable prices,” Khloé explained.

“We love Sears,” Kourtney added. “There is a Sears right near our house.”

Ha! “Multigenerations of fans”? I’m not sure what the demographic for their show is, but I have a feeling it’s very narrow. I have a hard time believing that Grandma is going to want to wear a clothing line whose primary fabric content is spandex.

Khloe Kardashian hitting the gym with pal Nicole Ritchie:

Further reinforcing that crap is king, the Twilight saga was the big winner at last night’s People Choice Awards. Apparently, all the “people” who “chose” the winners of these awards were under fifteen and had ovaries. People Magazine says:

The latest installment in the [Twilight] series, Eclipse, picked up four awards, including favorite movie, surpassing nominees including The Social Network and Inception.

It also won favorite drama movie and favorite on-screen team, and star Kristen Stewart beat out Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston for favorite movie actress as Bella Swan.

Adam Sandler won for favorite comedic star, while his hit flick Grown Ups was favorite comedic movie.

Eminem [snagged 3 awards], the most in the music category.

The big news of the night, though, was not the stunning lack of A-listers or Raven-Symone’s drastic weight loss or Ashley Tisdale’s Chernobyl skin — it was Khloe Kardashian’s new red hair. At least according to People Magazine:

Khloe Kardashian stole the spotlight from her sisters at last night’s People’s Choice Awards, debuting newly dyed red hair that set her apart from her raven-haired siblings. “I love it! It’s fun!” Khloe [said]. “I wanted to stand out for a little bit.”

Being a lumbering Sasquatch already made her stand out from her sisters plenty. She didn’t need any help making herself visible in a crowd. Hell, that Where’s Waldo guy blends into large groups better than this bitch does, and he only has half the back fat.

The Kardashians holding their Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure award, plus Raven-Symone, Selena Gomez, Emma Roberts and Ashley Tisdale:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures