Khloe Kardashian posted these pics from Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ engagement party on her website this weekend, posing alongside one of the ponies brought in especially for the celebration. If you’re having trouble telling them apart, just remember, the horse is the one covered in glitter. If it doesn’t sparkle, then it’s Khloe.
There is no such thing as cosmic justice. Case in point? Radar Online says:
The Kardashian family…. earned a staggering $65 million last year.
Just to put in perspective how much money the Kardashians made in 2010, it was more than Tom Cruise, Sandra Bullock and Angelina Jolie made combined!
“My job was trying to take my kids’ 15 minutes and turn it into 30,” Kris said.
“My mother has just always been this ‘Let’s make water into wine’ person… She knows how to take one small talent or ability and grow it into something huge,” Khloe said of her mother.
I never really thought of “ass” as a talent, but it certainly has grown into something huge for the Kardashians. No denying that. So Kris planted the seed of talent, and then some black guy peed on it, and now they’re fucking multimillionaires. I guess that all that’s left now is to wait for the moon to turn to blood and the four horseman of the Apocalypse to pull up out back.
Kim and her mom at the Unknown premiere at The Mann Village Theatre:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
The Kardashian sisters have stuck their fingers into practically every pie available — clothing, perfume, books, reality television, etc., etc. — but there still remained one well that had yet gone untapped. Until now. The Daily Mail says:
Kim Kardashian has revealed how she funded a church set up last year in Calabasas by her mother Kris Jenner.
“My mum has helped create a church, so [I] help fund that,” she said. “I give 10 per cent away to the church and that’s what I was taught. Every year. Absolutely.”
The 30-year-old was referring to the LifeChange Community Church, which was founded by Kris and Reverend Brad Johnson, the embattled pastor [who] left his prominent position as leader of the Calvary Community Church in disgrace after his infidelities were revealed in May 2007.
It’s just like a regular Jesus church, except some of the rules are different. Like the Ten Commandments, for example. At Our Lady of the Kardashian Church, they’re called the Ten Kommandments. And they only mention adultery as it pertains to video cameras.
KIM KARDASHIAN’S TEN KOMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shalt vigorously deny plastic surgery, even when faced with blatant and obvious evidence to the contrary
2. Thou shalt not post unto the internet any unretouched images of me.
3. Thou shalt not have intercourse with light-skinned men of European origin.
4. Thou shalt not have intercourse with dark-skinned men of African origin who are not professional athletes/rappers.
5. Thou shalt not have intercourse with dark-skinned men of African origin who are professional athletes/rappers without first setting up thy camcorder.
6. Thou shalt purchase all of our overpriced crap and useth only credit cards embossed with our likenesses
7. Thou shalt not leave the house without thy false eyelashes, an ephah of liquid foundation, and 40 shekels of powder
8. Thou shalt celebrate my birthday six times a year
9. Thou shalt not spit unless thy camera runneth out of batteries first
10. Thou shalt not deny a rapper the pleasure of a golden shower
The ugly one with her dark-skinned man of African origin professional athlete:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
Pretty soon you’ll be able to cruise over to your local Sears and garb yourself like one of the Kardashians! Plastic surgery and sexual self-degradation is optional. OK! Magazine says,
Kim, Kourtney and Khoé Kardashian’s new Kardashian Kollection available at Sears will feature approximately 40 clothing pieces, 20 lingerie styles, 60 pieces of jewelry, 30 bags, 25 hats and gloves, and 12 pairs of shoes,” WWD reports (via Refinery 29).
Why Sears and not…. Kohl’s?
“Not only do they [Sears] have locations nationwide, but we recognize that Sears will allow us to reach multigenerations of fans and people who are interested in fabulous clothing at affordable prices,” Khloé explained.
“We love Sears,” Kourtney added. “There is a Sears right near our house.”
Ha! “Multigenerations of fans”? I’m not sure what the demographic for their show is, but I have a feeling it’s very narrow. I have a hard time believing that Grandma is going to want to wear a clothing line whose primary fabric content is spandex.
Khloe Kardashian hitting the gym with pal Nicole Ritchie:
Further reinforcing that crap is king, the Twilight saga was the big winner at last night’s People Choice Awards. Apparently, all the “people” who “chose” the winners of these awards were under fifteen and had ovaries. People Magazine says:
The latest installment in the [Twilight] series, Eclipse, picked up four awards, including favorite movie, surpassing nominees including The Social Network and Inception.
It also won favorite drama movie and favorite on-screen team, and star Kristen Stewart beat out Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston for favorite movie actress as Bella Swan.
Adam Sandler won for favorite comedic star, while his hit flick Grown Ups was favorite comedic movie.
Eminem [snagged 3 awards], the most in the music category.
The big news of the night, though, was not the stunning lack of A-listers or Raven-Symone’s drastic weight loss or Ashley Tisdale’s Chernobyl skin — it was Khloe Kardashian’s new red hair. At least according to People Magazine:
Khloe Kardashian stole the spotlight from her sisters at last night’s People’s Choice Awards, debuting newly dyed red hair that set her apart from her raven-haired siblings. “I love it! It’s fun!” Khloe [said]. “I wanted to stand out for a little bit.”
Being a lumbering Sasquatch already made her stand out from her sisters plenty. She didn’t need any help making herself visible in a crowd. Hell, that Where’s Waldo guy blends into large groups better than this bitch does, and he only has half the back fat.
The Kardashians holding their Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure award, plus Raven-Symone, Selena Gomez, Emma Roberts and Ashley Tisdale:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
Kim Kardashian debuted the Kardashian family Khristmas kard on her website today, saying:
We went super glam this year and each went for our own look. Kourt chose a tailored suit to match Mason and Scott, Khloe went for gorgeous peach ruffles and I am wearing an Emilio Pucci dress and vintage earrings.
How stunning do Kendall and Kylie look!? This might be my favorite of all our family Christmas cards!
It’s unique, I’ll give them that. It not every day you encounter Dynasty and The Addams Family all in one magical photo. I might even write about it in my diary.
Whitney Port in Maxim, because she’s actually less photoshopped than anybody in that picture:
PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures
All is not well in the polyester-acetate blend world of the Kardashian sisters: the New York Times just gave a scathing review of their new DASH store in Manhattan, just a day after Bebe basically announced they were going to dump their Kardashian resort collection. Radar Online says of the NY Times review:
New York Times columnist Jon Caramanica scathingly described the store as a “fashion desert.”
“Just oodles of drapey cowl necks and embellished cap sleeves and synthetic fibers,” he wrote. “Clothes are essentially split into two categories of fit: vacuum-sealed and hot-air balloon.’
Describing one pricey outfit, Caramanica wrote, “You could wear this look in the same way you could hire an enthusiastic 5-year-old as your stylist.”
And of their resort line with Bebe:
Earlier this year, Bebe had launched a Kardashian line inspired by “something the sisters would wear on vacation.”
But Bebe president Emilia Fabricant admitted that they are re-thinking their partnership with the Kardashians.
“The sisters do still have relevance,” said Fabricant. “But at Bebe we need to move with fashion and we want to be first in the fashion world with everybody else and not fall behind. We are definitely assessing the situation.”
Once Bebe “assesses the situation,” they’ll probably realize that everything Kim Kardashian wears looks like it took a couple of Chinese contortionists and a welder to put on. I think the problem here is that their clothing line doesn’t come with a shoe horn and several tubs of Crisco. Unless it’s cutting off your circulation and causing hairline fractures in your ribs, it’s just not the Kardashian look.
University National Bank announced yesterday that it had ended the sale of the Kardashian PrePaid Mastercard after the Attorney General of Connecticut launched an investigation into the Kard’s numerous — and possibly illegal — hidden fees. Yahoo News says:
Just to buy the card and use it costs $59.95 for six months (or $99.95 for 12 months). That does not include any money on the card. The person buying the card must add money onto it.
After those six or 12 months are up, it costs $7.95 a month to keep using the card, $1.50 to withdraw cash from an ATM, $1 to check their balance, and $1.50 for each call [to a customer representative]. Canceling the card costs $6.
Annual Kardashian Kard agreement: $99.95
Average monthly usage fees: $27.95
Maximum card liability in the event of loss: $500
Paying close to $200 bucks for what amounts to a wallet-sized picture of the Kardashians when you could see the same picture here for free: priceless
There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterKard.
Arriving to The View:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
This must be what happens when there’s a toxic waste spill on Forest Moon of Endor. Hat FAIL.
PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online
If you come across the Khloe Kardashian in its natural habitat and you don’t have an elephant gun on your person, avoid eye contact. It perceives this as a direct threat and is more likely to attack, especially if it hasn’t eaten in the last 20 minutes. Keep your arms at your sides and make as little noise and movement as possible. Avoid sugary or vanilla-based perfumes, as these tend to attract the Khloe, as do African-American males and cheap hair extensions. If you are carrying food, rid yourself of it immediately, as this almost guarantees attack, particularly if said food is encased in a wrapper that prevents its immediate consumption. This will incite a rage that is likely to be swift and gruesome.
At ‘The Spin Crowd’ season finale party with sister Kim in NY last night:
PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures
The 2010 Teen Choice Awards happened last night and will air on Fox tonight at 8pm, in case you’re into wasting your time. Having awards handed out by teens means that shitty movies like The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra, and Jennifer’s Body get picked. If you’re interested in how many awards Justin Bieber got, and other reasons you should weep for the future generation, you can check out the whole awards list here. It being the Teen Choice Awards also means that there were a lot of people I have never heard of, but here’s some that I do recognize:
Kristen Bell:
Cat Deeley is a freaking giraffe and I wouldn’t even reach her shoulders:
I had no idea who Destinee & Paris were, so I looked them up and Wikipedia describes them as: “Destinee & Paris (formerly known as Clique Girlz and Clique) are an American girl group consisting of sisters Destinee and Paris Monroe.” I think I just died a little inside. Plastic girl on the left seems to have shiny boobs and is possibly wearing a body stocking.
Since I wouldn’t be caught watching a show where any Kardashian is starring, I didn’t know that there’s yet another sister to pimp. Kendall Jenner, at the tender age of 14, is ready to take her wares to market. And by “wares” I mean “way underage titties and ass”. Says Star Magazine,
Watch out Kim, Khloe and Kourtney — your little sis might be stealing your spotlight! But are the pics too much for a 14-year-old?
On this past season of E!’s Keeping up with the Kardashians, we saw the trio’s little sister Kendall Jenner express interest in having a modeling career. There was immediate interest from popular teen retailer Forever 21 and we saw Kendall do her very first photo shoot. But that’s not the last we’ll be seeing of her in front of the lens!
The up-and-coming model was photographed by Nick Saglimbeni last week, and she couldn’t contain her excitement! She later tweeted, “Just uploaded some of the pics from thursdays photo shoot!
” with a link to some of her pictures.
In the photos from the shoot, Kendall wears a skimpy bikini and heavy eye makeup, making her look way older than her 14 years.
Her older sisters seem to approve, taking to their own blogs or Twitter to praise the snapshots. Khloe wrote: “I CANNOT get over how unbelievable she looks. In my head, Kendall is still my adorable 2-year-old sister whose diaper needs changing LOL…when did she turn into a supermodel?!”
Kourt and Kim were just as excited, with the eldest sibling writing, “I am speechless. She looks amazing!! So proud of you, Kendall” and Kim predicting, “She’s going to take over the modeling world… you just watch!”
If the modeling thing doesn’t pan out, with her youthful, boyish good looks she could always do bacha bazi. I hear it’s big in Afghanistan.
From Kendall’s Facebook page and from Kourtney’s blog:
