Early yesterday morning, a white 4 year-old girl with brown hair and grey eyes was kidnapped by an older white lady in a plaid shirt, jeans, wearing sunglasses and her brown hair in a bun. Although we couldn’t get a good look at her face, we knew she was older because The King of Queens taught us that buns = old ladies. If you see this woman, contact your local authorities immediately.

Surveillance of the perpetrator:

Armed assailants kidnapped and robbed “Party of Five” star (?) Jeremy London last weekend, held him hostage in his own car and forced him to smoke crystal meth for five hours straight. Boy, if I had a nickel… Radar Online says:

London, 37, was attempting to change a flat tire on his vehicle when two men stopped to help him on the evening of Thursday, June 10.

The kidnappers forcibly took London — who played Griffin Holbrook on Party of Five and Chandler Hampton on 7th Heaven — and drove him around in his own vehicle while terrorizing him at gun point.

Somehow a stunned London managed to escape at around 3 o’clock the next morning.

“He was forced to smoke dope– crack cocaine or amphetamines — and then purchase booze and hand it out in a gang area of Palm Springs,” Sergeant Douglas [said].

London’s car was later found in a notorious neighborhood of Palm Springs where one of the kidnappers lived.

This is obviously really what happened. It’s not like London has a history of lying and drug abuse and pill problems or anything. Oh, wait:

The kidnapping came after a torrid period for the actor, who has admitted to a drug abuse problem.

London was arrested in the spring of 2004 for allegedly driving with a suspended license and for carrying controlled substances.

[He also] went to a rehabilitation center last September to face his battle with prescription pills.

He is currently going through a divorce from actress Melissa Cunningham, whom he married in September 2006.

“Jeremy said he did what he had to do not to end up shot or dead,” a source close to the Hollywood actor [said].

Oh, so the cops buy the old “held-at-gunpoint” excuse now, do they? Funny, when I tell the Oklahoma City police that I haven’t been drinking, that what really happened was these Russian thugs held me at gunpoint and poured vodka down my throat before stuffing the quarter bag in my pocket, and that I was only speeding because they told me they had tied a bag of kittens to a keg of dynamite in the basement of a strip club in Tullahoma and every second we wasted administering “field sobriety tests” was putting them that much closer to certain death, I still go to jail anyways. Explain to me how that shit works. I guess I’m just not famous enough to blatantly lie out of my ass.

We’ve heard that Madonna is jealous of her daughter’s youth and beauty, we’ve heard she’s as cuddly as a piece of gristle in bed, and that eye contact must never be broken with her so she can be sure to sear your very soul. So what’s left? Why, kidnapping, of course! From Nine MSN comes this shocking news:

The family of 22-year-old Jesus Luz believe his new girlfriend Madonna, 50, has kidnapped him and is holding him captive.

The Brazilian model hasn’t been in contact with his family for months, even though he lived with them before he met Madonna.

Jesus’s mother got a cryptic text message from her son in December, telling her he wouldn’t be home for the holidays and wishing the family a Happy Christmas.

He spent the Christmas period with Madonna in the Maldives, where her public relations staff confiscated his phone, according to the Brazilian media.

The New York Post reports: “The hunk’s mortified mom, Cristiane Regina da Silva — who is 14 years younger than Madonna — believes the pop diva has kidnapped her son, snatching him away to a New York love nest and controlling his every move.”

You know the very same thing happened to me. I had a figure of Jesus out in a creche in the front yard, and some unholy bastard stole my Jesus! I kept on getting letters with photos of him in perilous situations, threatening him if I didn’t give up a ransom. I said, Screw that, and went down to the 99¢ Only store and got a new one.

Madonna looking every bit the suspicious thief, leaving the Kabbalah center with Lourdes:

If you didn’t hear about it on Friday, Jennifer Hudson’s mom and brother were found dead from multiple gunshot wounds, and her nephew has also disappeared. Jennifer Hudson has also offered up a $100,000 reward for the return of the boy.  Times Online reports,

At a press conference over the weekend, Ms Hudson’s sister, Julia Hudson, pleaded for the safe return of her son.

“Give me my baby back,” she said. “That’s all I ask. I know he’s out there. Put him on the side of the street. Just let him go. I have to believe he is okay.”

The boy, Julian King, disappeared on Friday from the home of his grandmother, Darnell Donerson, 59, whose body was found there along with that of his uncle, Jason Hudson, 29. They all lived at the same address, along with Julia Hudson, 31, four years older than her Oscar-winning sister.

Now don’t worry, I’m not going to poke fun at a tragic situation*, since my Eternal Soul Stock recently dropped due to that little incident where I snatched a blind lady’s Down Syndrome baby and played Marco Polo with her. Apparently that’s not looked on too kindly in heaven.

*You however, are free to um, comment on Jennifer’s sister Julia and her son’s baby daddy, pictured above. Because, damn.

UPDATE: ABC News is reporting that the body of a young black boy recovered from a sport utility vehicle this morning is believed to be Jennifer Hudson’s missing 7-year-old nephew Julian King according to an FBI official. Official confirmation of the body is still pending, but the Amber Alert that was issued has been canceled, and Illinois state police are declining comment.