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lindsay lohan restraining order

Since court-ordered paternal conservatorship worked out so well for Britney Spears, Michael Lohan is hoping he’ll be able to rehabilitate daughter Lindsay through the magic of the California legal system. But if the courts won’t give him control of her estate, it’s not going to stop him from saving her the only way he knows how: a class B felony. According to MSNBC

“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight,” Michael Lohan [said]. “But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.”

Not if Lindsay Lohan gets her way. LiLo plans to file a restraining order to keep her estranged dad far outside of kidnapping range.

“[My ex-wife] Dina is the one that told her to get a restraining order,” Michael Lohan said. “But you know what? I’m still going to try to do everything to get Lindsay better.”

And if kidnapping and forcibly institutionalizing her doesn’t work, he could always hook her up to a car battery and electroshock her straight himself. You don’t win Father of the Year without being a hands-on kind of dad, my father always used to say! Mostly while he was beating us with a roll of seat belt or the bag of oranges he kept in the freezer.

Leaving a hair salon in L.A. last week:

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PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Shiloh Jolie-Pitt — the superspawn of Angelina and Brad — was a target of a recent kidnapping plot. Her parents reportedly discovered a note pinned to the door of their home that included a picture of the 20-month-old along with an ominous warning. The Daily Mail reports

“Someone got to their doorstep and left a threat against Shiloh. The person included a photo of her, and a note that read, ‘We got this close already.’

[Brad and Angelina] are freaked out. Shiloh has someone protecting her 24-7, and Brad and Angie are trying to avoid taking her out of the house.”

The note was left in early January.

Did the note smell like the Zone diet and insecurity? ‘Cause if it did, I got one guess as to who left it. Jennifer Aniston was reportedly devastated when she found out Angie was knocked up again. Insult to injury, it’s twins. This has got “Lifetime Original Movie” written all freakin’ over it. I’m thinking something along the lines of “Baby Monitor: The Sound of Fear” or “With Kid Gloves: Cradle of Strife.” Running time: 82 minutes. A jilted ex-wife exacts her revenge by kidnapping the other woman’s child. Starring Kristie Swanson as Jennifer Aniston, Yasmeen Bleeth as Angelina Jolie, and Gary Coleman as Zahara Jolie-Pitt.

Angie at Heathrow airport on her way to Iraq:

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