Stuck in a dead-end, low-paying job? Then you’ll be glad to know Kiefer Sutherland pockets over half a million dollars for every episode of “24″ he shoots. According to Hello Magazine

24 star Kiefer Sutherland has just been named US TV’s top-paid actor - taking home $550,000 for every outing as counter-terrorist agent Jack Bauer. But TV bosses at Fox, who commission the show, are currently deciding whether to renew its contract after the upcoming season.

“It’s not an inexpensive show on the network books and we also want to finish strong,” said the network’s head of programming. “This is not a show we want to prop up.”

Prop up? Like “The Cleveland Show” and “Dollhouse,” you mean? Jesus Christ. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Fox. Getting rid of Jack Bauer would be like chopping off your own penis. Sure, you can still walk around and pick stuff up and say stuff without a penis, but when the time to fuck terrorists in the ass comes around, you’re going to be shit outta luck, and then people are going to start pointing fingers. Something to think about, Rupert Murdoch.

On a date with his girlfriend Sibohan Bonnouvrier:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Good news for all my Jack Bauer fans out there — Kiefer Sutherland won’t be going to jail for assaulting Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at the Met’s Costume Institute Gala Tuesday night, even though he’s currently on probation stemming from his 2007 DUI arrest. According to the NY Daily News

Sutherland will be charged with third-degree assault for the attack on designer Jack McCollough [and] will be issued a desk appearance ticket for the misdemeanor - meaning he won’t be jailed and will be free to travel before he’s arraigned.

Jail, no jail — whatever. I don’t think any of that really matters. What’s important here is that I would let Jack Bauer pound my ass like a Chinaman laying railroad ties. The end.

More hot Jack Bauer goodness:

You’d think after seven seasons of “24″ everyone would know by now that you just don’t fuck with Jack Bauer. Period. But a prissy little Proenza Schouler designer chose his own fate when he refused to apologize to Brooke Shields after knocking her to the ground in front of JackBauer Kiefer Sutherland Monday night. According to TMZ

It happened at an after-party for the Met costume gala last night. Witnesses say the alleged victim — Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.

In a world rife with politically correct metrosexuals, it’s absolutely panty-moistening to see a man’s man step up in defense of a woman’s honor. And they say chivalry is dead! Apparently they’ve never heard of Jack Bauer.

With his girlfriend pre-headbutt at the Costume Gala:

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Meryl Streep and Sean Penn were the big winners at last night’s 15th annual SAG Awards, along with “Slumdog Millionaire” and oh, Jesus Christ, who fucking cares anymore. People Magazine says

The SAG Awards – which are voted on by the union celebrating actors and are broadcast from Los Angeles’s Shrine Auditorium – are considered by many in the industry to anticipate Oscar winners.

The cast of Slumdog Millionaire was named outstanding cast in a motion picture, foreshadowing a probable Best Picture Oscar win.

Kate Winslet was named best female actor in a supporting role for her part in the Holocaust drama The Reader. In the supporting male category, Heath Ledger earned another posthumous trophy for his role as the macabre Joker in The Dark Knight.

But everyone agreed that the biggest surprise of the evening was learning that SAG stood for “Screen Actors Guild,” not “Self-absorbed Ass-kissing Gasbags.” Acronyms can be so misleading sometimes!

Eva Longoria in a shitty orange dress with shitty orange hair:

Lisa Rinna looking like a blow-up doll that was hosed down with turpentine and left in the sun:

Teri Hatcher in a ridiculously fluffy dress and the always impeccable Marcia Cross:

Hell yes Jack Bauer:

Obligatory Brad and Angelina:

Kate Winslet showing off her Golden Globes:

The eh-sultry and eh-spicy Penelope Cruz:

The complete list of winners, along with more pics of Tina Fey, Christina Applegate, Olivia Wilde and additional Brangelina for your viewing pleasure after the jump.

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Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in on Wednesday to begin serving the 48-day jail sentence for his drunk driving arrest. People magazine says

Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, he’ll be allowed the roam the jail “about 75 percent of the time” – rather than be confined to his cell all day – though the only time he’ll be in contact with other inmates is when he’s serving food. Sutherland will be serving the 48 days with no early release and no good time/work time credit.

If I know Jack Bauer — and I do — he’s gonna be out of there in 24 hours anyway. That’s just how he rolls. There’s no stopping him. Watch seasons two and three again if you don’t believe me. Look, I know that the real Kiefer Sutherland is a drunken ass, and I’ve seen the video of him karate-chopping the hotel Christmas tree and heard his lame-ass band and all that, but there’s just something about Jack Bauer that sets my loins ablaze. In a different way than the herpes already do. He makes me feel like a fourteen year old girl at a boy band concert or something. If I ever actually met him, I’d probably be so nervous and excited that I’d just stammer and giggle until my panties exploded. Namely because I would no doubt empty my bowels out of sheer exhilaration with a magnitude my lower intestines had never before known. Yeah, I know Brazilian cut isn’t really famous for it’s load-bearing capacity, but you wouldn’t expect a girl to wear grandma panties when she meets Jack Bauer, would you? It’s hard to know what to do in this case. That’s the kind of conundrum known as a “catch-22.” Or in this case, a “catch-24.“¹ Get it? God, that’s fucking brilliant. I’m going to go lay down now before it starts to hurt.

¹_{See, the good thing about writing this from a computer is that you can’t reach out and slap me across the face for that, no matter how much you want to.}

Lots of Jack hotness for the ladies:

The love of my life, Jack Bauer, (also known in some circles as Kiefer Sutherland) was arrested last night for DUI after blowing more than twice the California legal limit of .08. TMZ reports

Police sources tell TMZ 40-year-old Sutherland was pulled over around 1:35 AM PST on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly. Sutherland was at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub earlier that evening. Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail.This is the actor’s second DUI in the past five years — he was arrested in 2004.

I think the real question here is was he “arrested” by the “police” or kidnapped by the Chinese? And where was Chloe in all this? Can Jack ever avenge David Palmer’s death? Well, not if the fucking bike cops don’t cut an anti-terrorist hero a break once in a while. Besides, it was all probably part of an elaborate ruse to convincingly assimilate Jack into Hollywood culture. And nothing says “Hollywood culture” quite like playing the part of a belligerent jackass. Like when he attacks this Christmas tree, for example. It had you fooled, didn’t it? You almost believed he was braying moron. And therein lies the subtlety behind Jack Bauer’s genius. It’s practically an art form.