Kiefer Sutherland turned himself in on Wednesday to begin serving the 48-day jail sentence for his drunk driving arrest. People magazine says

Sutherland will be assigned to laundry and kitchen duty, serving breakfast, lunch and dinner to the other inmates. As an inmate worker, he’ll be allowed the roam the jail “about 75 percent of the time” – rather than be confined to his cell all day – though the only time he’ll be in contact with other inmates is when he’s serving food. Sutherland will be serving the 48 days with no early release and no good time/work time credit.

If I know Jack Bauer — and I do — he’s gonna be out of there in 24 hours anyway. That’s just how he rolls. There’s no stopping him. Watch seasons two and three again if you don’t believe me. Look, I know that the real Kiefer Sutherland is a drunken ass, and I’ve seen the video of him karate-chopping the hotel Christmas tree and heard his lame-ass band and all that, but there’s just something about Jack Bauer that sets my loins ablaze. In a different way than the herpes already do. He makes me feel like a fourteen year old girl at a boy band concert or something. If I ever actually met him, I’d probably be so nervous and excited that I’d just stammer and giggle until my panties exploded. Namely because I would no doubt empty my bowels out of sheer exhilaration with a magnitude my lower intestines had never before known. Yeah, I know Brazilian cut isn’t really famous for it’s load-bearing capacity, but you wouldn’t expect a girl to wear grandma panties when she meets Jack Bauer, would you? It’s hard to know what to do in this case. That’s the kind of conundrum known as a “catch-22.” Or in this case, a “catch-24.“¹ Get it? God, that’s fucking brilliant. I’m going to go lay down now before it starts to hurt.

¹_{See, the good thing about writing this from a computer is that you can’t reach out and slap me across the face for that, no matter how much you want to.}

Lots of Jack hotness for the ladies:

The love of my life, Jack Bauer, (also known in some circles as Kiefer Sutherland) was arrested last night for DUI after blowing more than twice the California legal limit of .08. TMZ reports

Police sources tell TMZ 40-year-old Sutherland was pulled over around 1:35 AM PST on the corner of La Cienega and Beverly. Sutherland was at the FOX Fall Eco-Casino party at Area nightclub earlier that evening. Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail.This is the actor’s second DUI in the past five years — he was arrested in 2004.

I think the real question here is was he “arrested” by the “police” or kidnapped by the Chinese? And where was Chloe in all this? Can Jack ever avenge David Palmer’s death? Well, not if the fucking bike cops don’t cut an anti-terrorist hero a break once in a while. Besides, it was all probably part of an elaborate ruse to convincingly assimilate Jack into Hollywood culture. And nothing says “Hollywood culture” quite like playing the part of a belligerent jackass. Like when he attacks this Christmas tree, for example. It had you fooled, didn’t it? You almost believed he was braying moron. And therein lies the subtlety behind Jack Bauer’s genius. It’s practically an art form.