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Kim Kardashian celebrated her 33rd birthday at Tao in Vegas by strapping herself into a Dolce & Gabbana lace bustier and skirt that looks like something straight out of the Hustler Bridal collection. I guess it makes sense, because Kim K Superstar is about to be a blushing bride for the second third time. That’s right — Kanye proposed! Us Magazine says:

Kanye West proposed on Monday, Oct. 21 in front of Kardashian’s family and friends at AT&T Park in San Francisco. “He projected please marry me onto the stadium screen for everyone to see,” the source tells Us.

“For everyone to see.” I think that says it all right there.

Check out everything you need to recreate early nineties Mariah Carey Kim’s look in the gallery above.

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Kim Kardashian

Kim Kardashian is reportedly set on transforming herself into fashion icon Sarah Jessica Parker, even going as far as to hire SJP’s publicist to make the transformation official. According to Radar Online:

“Kim wants to be seen as sophisticated, as high-end and fashion, not the girl who made a sex tape and is famous for being famous,” a [source] said.

And so, she recently fired her longtime publicist, PMK’s Jill Fritzo, and hired Ina Treciokas, who represents Sarah Jessica.

“She is trying to buy her reinvention by employing SJP’s team,” the source explained. In fact, they claim, she’s even looking into hiring SJP’s stylist, hairdresser and makeup artist too!

“Sarah thinks the whole thing is flattering but a little creepy,” one insider told the site. “If Kim wants to be Sarah, her advice would be to… learn a craft and become admired for the work you do, not just the way you look.”

There are many things money can buy — a new identity, a trip to outer space, a virgin) — but one thing it can’t buy? Good taste or talent. Like Mammy said in “Gone with the Wind,” you can give yourself airs and get all rigged up like race horses, but you’re still just a mule in a horse harness and you don’t fool anybody.

Web finds, fails and fashion:

MIA is going to end up paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for that finger she flipped during the Super Bowl. Dummy. (Huffington Post)

Miley Cyrus’ fiance secretly moved out while she was twerking all over Europe. (Celebitchy)

Joe Francis might have milked his last teat — his mansion is being taken away from him. (Evil Beet)

The worst celebrity bikini bodies, to make you feel better about yourself. (Celeb Slam)

Nick Jonas showed off his biceps for Mens’ Fitness magazine. (Socialite Life)

If you have a sweet tooth and a social conscious and a love of fun jewelery… (Modavanti)

Selena Gomez won’t be playing Russia because of the gays. (The Blemish)

Only two more episodes left — the best Breaking Bad predictions! (Mandatory)

Snooki wants to get a boob job because she says her “boobs are disgusting.” Oh, Snooki. You should really give yourself more credit. All of you is disgusting. (Daily Stab)

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kim kardashian blonde

Kim Kardashian showed off her new blonde hair on Keek yesterday, along with her new white woman nose and a recently-engorged trout pout. Those lips are just ridiculous. They look like a couple of nightcrawlers. My husband said he wanted to hook that top one on a Texas rig and haul in a couple of bucketmouths with it. I didn’t know what any of that meant, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a compliment.

Web find, fashion, and fails:

Miley Cyrus’ new “Wrecking Ball” video is a total train wreck, so well-played, Miley Cyrus. (Huffington Post)

Gwyneth Paltrow cut off a school bus on her Vespa and almost got herself killed. (Celeb Slam)

Urban indigenous. Check it out! (Modavanti)

Funny business signs, if you could use a laugh. (Mandatory)

Reem Acra was going for a sort of Donna Summers-loving party girl vibe for Spring 2014. (Jezebel)

Turns out the girl on fire twerk fail video was all staged by Jimmy Kimmel. (Pajiba)

Mariah Carey is another Whitney Houston mess in the making. (BG)

Ellen DeGeneres can’t twerk. Surprise, surprise. (Seriously? OMG)

This has got to be the best Lady Gaga’s ever looked. Hands down. (ICYDK

And speaking of Lady Gaga, this might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. (Evil Beet)

Britney Spears gives a little teaser from her upcoming music video. (popbytes)

Mario Lopez is the proud father of a bouncing baby boy, who he’s considering naming Slater. Probably. (Bitten & Bound)

Justin Bieber is totally growing a trash ‘stache, and it just makes you want to hit him harder. (The Blemish)

Kristen Stewart has a SERIOUS case of hair loss since her split from Robert Pattinson. (ONTD)

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Kim Kardashian Hermes Diaper Bag

Kim Kardashian made her first public appearance as a mother yesterday carrying a diaper bag that cost more than a fully loaded Maxima. If she weren’t already going to hell before, she just bought her ticket. The Daily Mail says:

For her first appearance en famille with baby North and Kanye, Kim toted a £20,000 ($30,000) Hermes bag.

But more striking than the Hermes bag were the co-ordinated boots that Kim and Kanye were sporting.

Kim wore on her feet a pair of tan fringed Minnetonka boots in suede – and Kanye wore his own black fringed pair.

“But more striking than the Hermes bag were the coordinated boots that Kim and Kanye were sporting” might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. His-and-her matching boots must always be sported*, never worn. It embarrasses your kids more that way.

*also acceptable: rocked

News

Kim Kardashian Baby Line

Kim Kardashian has been in hiding since she had her baby two months ago, but yesterday she posted a video of herself from the neck up on the Keek app, where she attempted “playful” and “silly” as best as her filler-packed face would allow (see above). But Kim has been busy with more than just dermal fillers these last few months — she’s started working on a new clothing line for babies. Because who better to dress your newborn than amateur porn star with a reality TV show? The NY Daily News says:

Kim’s pal Lloyd Klein has revealed she is going to launch a clothing range for children.

“I am sure she is going to come up with a line for babies,” Klein told Confidenti@l in L.A.

The Canadian designer, 48, [added], “It is very cute to design for babies. [It would be] soft colors, pastels, something very dreamy and still trendy.

“I do have a line that I am trying to put together for children, for babies, and it is called Baby Lloyd, but we are not there yet. There is still a way to go.”

No one’s buying her Kardashian krap klothes at Sears, so why she thinks anyone would by her baby line either I’m sure I don’t know. It’d probably be a lot of leather onesies and sequin diapers and spandex rompers. And all of it would be two sizes too small and come with a little inner pocket for you to slip a wireless mic.

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