It usually takes billions of gallons of water and hundreds of thousands of years to form a crevasse as broad and deep Kim Kardashian’s ass crack, but she somehow managed it in just 29 years. Amazing, isn’t it? She’s like a real life Grand Canyon! With the right equipment, you could probably go spelunking in there. I bet she charges extra for that.

Leaving Brittany Gastineau’s birthday party this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Kim Kardashian posted a picture of herself with a big black eye on her official website yesterday. That’s big black eye, not “big black guy.” That really wouldn’t be newsworthy at all, now would it? Star Magazine says

The Keeping Up with the Kardashians star agreed to participate in a boxing match on Tuesday to raise money for The Dream Foundation, but she left with a shiner when her opponent punched her in the eye.

“At the end of the day, we did this for charity and that’s what counts,” Kim posted on her Web site Wednesday. “But man, my girl could throw a punch! Look at my black eye!!!”

I bet this marks the first time that Kim’s taken it in the face in front of a video camera without having to be on her knees with her mouth wide open. This has got to be one for the books, people!

Here’s desperate attention-seeker Kim Kardashian skanking it up in another Disney costume for Halloween, this time as Snow White from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” But Kim doesn’t look like the Snow White I remember from the classic Disney movie. She looks more like that chick from “Blow White and the Seven Whores” — Easy, Gropey, Cock, Horny, Anal, and Humpy. There wasn’t a whole lot of whistling while they worked, as I recall. Mostly just screaming and moaning and the occasional gagging noise.

♫”I can show you the world”♫… or you could just show me your tits. I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing anyone really cares about seeing here.

Kim Kardashian as “Aladdin’s” Jasmine for Halloween:

Those “water goddess” pictures of Kim Kardashian I put up earlier this week were actually part of her shoot for next month’s South African FHM. Because really, with all the HIV, gang rape, and rampant murder, why wouldn’t you want to do a bikini shoot in South Africa? For authenticity’s sake, though, they should have included a few shots of a farmer getting stabbed in the neck and maybe a school girl or two being jackrolled in the background. These just smack of American opulence.

Kim Kardashian posed for yet another sexy but pointless photoshoot last weekend and posted the pics on her official website, saying

I love this one in the silver sequin drape! I didn’t know what we wanted out of this look but it feels very Venus water goddess to me!

Water goddess, indeed. But I bet without the mustache wax and the Lady Bic, Kim Kardashian would look more like a water buffalo. Armenians are freakin’ hairy.

More “goddess” pics, plus some of her arriving at at STK restaurant with her family:

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News Online

This must be what happens when Romulans go goth. You know, just because all the kids in the Gamma Quadrant are doing it, doesn’t mean you have to, too!

Kim Kardashian in the September issue of YRB magazine:

Actress and former face of Lancome cosmetics Uma Thurman attempts “bordello sexy” in a spread for next months’ W magazine. The Daily Mail says

The 39-year-old smoulders on a couch clad in a feathered stole, and black stockings and suspenders in a photoshoot for W magazine.

The 39-year-old looks like a tragic actress on the way down the greasy pole of celebrity.

“Greasy pole of celebrity?” Funny, I always just called him “Mickey Rourke.” To each his own, I guess.

Bonus pics of Kim Kardashian in — what else? — a bikini:

Kim Kardashian’s fantastic new bikini body is the result of downing the diet pill Quick Trim. She tweeted yesterday:

‘I lost my last 6lbs fast & toned up! Loving Quick Trim. Quick Trim does a body good!’.

The best part is, she didn’t even know she was endorsing diet pills until a week ago. She thought her publicist was actually saying “Dick Rim” when she first signed on. See, that’s the trouble with using an Asian as your agent. That, and the way they’re always eying your pet beagle when you’re not looking.

Iconic fashion doll Barbie serves as guest editor in next month’s issue of Kurv magazine, in which Kim Kardashian poses as her real-life incarnation. Now, I get the whole Holiday Barbie, Malibu Barbie, and Totally Hair Barbie variations on the classic, but Golden Showers Barbie? Sorry, but I just don’t see it. Besides, I’m pretty sure Bratz already cornered that market with Dirty Butt Sex Sasha back in 2002. You’re a little late to the game, Babs!

Kim Kardashian will be making a guest appearance on the new blink-and-its-canceled Fox sitcom “Brothers.” People Magazine says

In the episode, set to be filmed in a few weeks and to air in October, the reality star plays herself as she confronts former football star Michael Trainor – played by real ex-New York Giant Michael Strahan – about rumors that the two have enjoyed a secret tryst.

This would be one of those cases of art imitating life if only there were more pee involved. Something to think about, Fox! People just love irony.

Both Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush have publicly maintained that cheating had nothing to do with their split earlier this week. In fact, “nobody cheated” was pretty much the only quote they gave to Us Weekly. But methinks the couple doth protest too much! Radar Online says

Cheating charges are flying BOTH WAYS in the relationship now.

Fox News broke the story that Reggie saw text messages from Kanye West on Kim’s phone and “flipped out.” The messages were [reportedly] more than just friendly.

Now a sexy Latino model in Miami is claiming she had a [months-long] affair with Reggie that included hookups in Los Angeles, Las Vegas and Miami and X-rated texts and phone messages, and [she] has been threatening to take her story public to the highest bidding magazine.

Kim was aware of the model’s charges and furious about it. The model did have video of herself in Bush’s house.

I just hope Reggie had the foresight to pee all over the model in the video. That way he and Kim could put aside their differences and get a “Wet ‘n Wild” sex tape box set in the works. I think I know a “golden” idea when I hear one!