Kim Kardashian took to her blog yesterday to refute claims that she’s had plastic surgery, posting a picture of herself in a bikini at the age of 14 as proof of her au naturel-ness. She wrote.

I believe I have answered this question before but here I go again…

I HAVE NOT EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY!!!

I am definitely not against it at all, but haven’t yet had it!

This is a picture of me when I was about 14 years old in a bikini. I hope after seeing this you guys will never ask me a plastic surgery question again! I have had a size C since I was 11 years old! So one day I will definitely get a lift, but I am waiting until after I have kids. Until then I rely on a great supportive bra! LOL!

All the butt implant rumors are just so not true and now just silly to me. I have answered dozens of times “no I do not have butt implants,” but people just don’t seem to want to believe it!

Don’t ever take the cheaper way out! This is your body and ultimately your life!

Yours in truth,

Kim

First of all, I thought having sexy pictures of 14 year-olds on your hard drive was a felony. That’s certainly the impression my probation officer left me with. Secondly, who signs a post “Yours in truth?” Was she at Bible camp when she wrote this? Was “With Christ’s blessings” or “In Jesus’ name” already taken? Any post Kim signs off on should really read “Urinarily yours.” Or something about black guys’ wieners and butt sex. It just adds an air of authenticity to the post. That’s why I’m signing off on this with a “Foxily yours, Abby.” The truth shall set you free!

Kim Kardashian has swallowed (ha ha) being called a lot of things — dummy, slut, human urinal — but one thing she won’t stomach is being called a liar. After several commenters on her website accused her lying about her waist size, Kim found a way to prove them all wrong. MSNBC says

“I am really sick and tired of people being so mean and nasty and assume I am lying,” she wrote, adding, “JUST FOR YOU NON-BELIEVERS, I WILL POST A VIDEO BLOG OF ME SHOWING YOU GUYS MY SIZE 27 JEANS LATER TONIGHT!”

True to her word, the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” star filmed the tags from three pairs of her favorite jeans, and in order to head off any conspiracy theories before they began, Kim squeezed into each pair of dungarees for the camera.

You can watch the riveting video here. It takes her nearly half a minute and several jumps to get the first pair zipped and buttoned. You’d think she was putting on a goddamned wet suit or something. I’ve had leather pants go on with more ease. And just because you can wrangle a pair of stretched-out, pre-worn, 20% spandex jeans (the average spandex percentage in jeans is one or two percent, by the way) over your big fat ass does NOT make you a size 2. Just like my painting my face black and standing in the unemployment line in a football jersey does not make me a black person. It just makes me a white person who’s very likely to get subsidized living and a welfare check. There’s a big difference, people!

Her “size 2″ ass leaving the “Dancing With the Stars” rehearsal studios in L.A.:

It looks like Kim Kardashian has finally done something redeeming with her life and joined the U.S. Navy. And as you can tell from the pictures, the Navy’s really done a lot to spruce up the old uniform. Nothing says “military bearing” like a Bedazzler! I’m sure Kim’s relieved to have finally found a job where the words “seamen” and “poop deck” aren’t always directed at her.

Performing with the Pussycat Dolls over the weekend:

What causes the tides to turn? The moon you say? I don’t think so. New scientific evidence points to Kim Kardashian’s ass as being responsible for the ocean’s life-giving ebb and flow. The gravity pull on that thing has got to be asstronomical! Someone call NASA!
 
Neptune move over!

Shanna Moakler chucked a drink in Kim Kardashian’s face and called her a whore at Carmen Electra’s party in Malibu Sunday night. Girl fight! Girl fight! The argument apparently stemmed from emails Kim sent to Moakler’s ex-husband Travis Barker while she was modeling for his hideous clothing line “Famous Stars and Craps Straps.” Shanna claims that Kimmy wanted more from Barker than just a little “modeling work.” According to Page Six

“[Kim] was sending him text messages and e-mails… when Travis and I were working on [staying together],” Moakler [said]. “She was blatantly disrespectful. [I] wouldn’t even have gone to the party if [I] had known [Kim] was going to be there. I was going to leave, but I’m a human being. I get upset. I wasn’t drunk. She ruined my marriage and my family.”

Kardashian retaliated on Monday by strolling around in a T-shirt from Barker’s line in front of the paparazzi.

“It was in the poorest of taste,” said Moakler.

This chick right here (yes, those would be her panties) has some serious balls pushing the “bad taste” label on anybody. Look, I hate Kim Kardashian as much as the next girl, but come on. Shanna looks like she just got off the day shift at The Taint Bucket. As they say in Greece, it’s a classic case of the “είπε ο γάιδαρος τον πετεινό κεφάλα.” Loosely translated, that’s “The donkey calling the rooster a fathead.” I couldn’t find any Grecian colloquialisms that included the words “cum-stain” and “slutbag,” but I figure “donkey” and “fat-head” work pretty good here, too.

In the “poor taste” t-shirt:

Environmentalists everywhere voiced their concerns over the weekend regarding Kim Kardashian being allowed to lounge outdoors in only a bikini. Scientists believe her bottom could easily be mistaken for North America from an aerial perspective, confusing migratory birds and causing derivations from their usual route to the U.S. “Plus, bitch got one big fat ass,” one scientist was quoted as saying. “I mean, God dayum.” Sorry, but you can’t argue with science!

Upsetting fragile ecosystems with sister Kourtney over the weekend:

Photos: INFdaily.com

R&B singer Ray J was kicked out of a Washington D.C. Hyatt Regency early Saturday morning for possession of the hallucinogen known as PCP. According to TMZ

Ray J went to his room after partying it up when hotel management got a complaint. Security went up to the room where they allegedly found… a stash of marijuana and the [club drug PCP known as] “Boat.” The singer tried to bribe hotel security so he could stay but they didn’t bite.

When the hell did PCP become a “club drug?” Kids these days. I watched an episode of COPS one time where this guy was high on PCP and it took nearly six cops half an hour to wrestle him to the ground. They tased him like five times and hosed him down with pepper spray and the dude didn’t even flinch. I think they finally had to shoot him in the knee to bring him down. If LSD is the respectable banker uncle at the family reunion, then PCP is the belligerent cousin who shows up with a shotgun down the front of his overalls yelling about communist bears stealing beer out of his trailer again. Yeah, I think I’ll pass.

Ex-toilet Kim Kardashian at a nightclub in The Hamptons on Sunday:

Usually with this kind of embarrassing picture, I’d black bar the face and do a “Name That Celebrity” kind of post so you could guess whose back fat this was. However, the gigantic ass looming there beneath the bra sausage instantly gives it away, so there’s no sense in doing that. Really, the only was it could be any more obvious that it’s Kim Kardashian is if the picture were flanked by a couple of big black penises and they were all taking turns urinating on it. Because she’s a slut who likes getting peed on by black guys, you see.

Sausage Links shopping on Robertson Boulevard on Tuesday:

Kim “Whore of Babylon” Kardashian reportedly had valuables stolen out of her luggage as she shamelessly whored herself out posed with fans at JFK airport. TMZ reports

[Kim] and sister Kourtney… were approached by fans and paparazzi, including several Delta employees. A source close to Kim [says] that when several Delta employees asked for autographs and photos with her, items were somehow lifted from her bags, [including] $50,000 worth of diamond jewelry, a Cartier watch, and a laptop and digital camera — contents unknown! Kim’s reps are looking into the possibility that she was set up by employees working for the airline.

It’d be so freakin’ easy to pull a fast one on Kim Kardashian. All you’d need is a sure-fire way to distract her and you’re in like flynn, baby. Like holding up a mirror, for example. The stupid slut can’t resist the call of her own reflection. Waving around a couple of twenties and a black guy’s penis would also probably do the trick. Then all you’d have to do is take cover under her enormous fake ass and wait for the right moment to escape through the nearest ventilation shaft. It’d be like shooting fish in a barrel. And not just because of the smell, either. Zing!

Kim at Intermix airport on the 24th:

It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned it, but in case you’ve forgotten — Paris Hilton is a whore. So are her whore friends. The Sun has the tape to prove it.

It is thought this new footage was discovered earlier this year when Paris forgot to pay the rent on her storage vault.A website called Parisexposed.com then released the footage on the net, although Paris obtained a temporary injunction against them. Now, the footage has reappeared on YouTube, with stronger versions available on US websites.

Now, the other whore:

Kim Kardashian may have said she wanted to ban it (she filed a lawsuit to prevent the DVD from being sold, but [later] dropped it), but her sex tape is now being released in full. Nearly 100 minutes of Kim with hip hop [Ray J] star will hit the net, including more than an hour of new footage. An initial version of Kim Kardashian Superstar came out in February and was one of the best selling adult videos of the year in the States. Since then, she has posed for Playboy and landed an E! Channel reality show.

So it seems the Kim Kardashian Superstar sex tape didn’t really do her career any harm at all.

Son of a bitch. No, of course it didn’t hurt her career. She didn’t have a fucking career. All she did before the sex tape hit the net was alternate plastic surgery with being photographed next to Paris Hilton. Now that she’s made a name for herself by letting some no-name black guy rail her, suddenly she’s really going places. Congratu-fucking-lations, Kim. Your grandparents must be so proud! Just think, one day you’ll have a daughter of you own, and you can share with her the joy of mass-releasing footage of you getting tagged by some jerk-off with a faggy moustache. Like your little girl’s first steps or first words, it’s special moment that you’re sure to remember forever. Almost as memorable as the first time she comes to you for Valtrex and an abortion. Really, I’m surprised Hallmark doesn’t make a card for that.

The Great Satan at Good Life Weekend on Friday:

Kim Kardashian didn’t pose for the December issue of Playboy because of the money or her desperate need for attention — she did it for fat girls the world over. What a philanthropist! The NY Daily News reports

Kim Kardashian had reason for posing nude for Playboy’s December issue - and it wasn’t the paycheck. “I did it because I’m not one of those stick-skinny girls you see. I felt like girls today need to see a normal body,” she told us at the Morgan 4 Ever launch at Underbar last week. “My mom actually pushed me to do it! I think she’s living vicariously through me a little bit.”

Maybe someone should tell Kim that fat girls aren’t the ones buying Playboy. The magazine’s target demographic is guys who enjoy jerking off and the occasional socially relevant read while they’re on the crapper. If the Great Satan wanted to empower fat girls so bad, she should have tried posing in Woman’s Day or the Dress Barn catalog or Fat Girl Weekly or whatever it is that fat girls read in between eclairs and corndogs. I’m guessing magazines coated in mylar to make the pages impervious to grease stains. Speaking of which, there’s a novel idea, Playboy! Lamination! The gift that keeps on giving. Maybe Kim did inspire something good after all.

Kim shopping at Ralph’s on Wednesday:

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve ever instructed my mother to “spread her legs” and “push up her tits,” but then again, I’m not the living embodiment of the evils of western culture armed with my own camera crew. Usually, watching your mother posing topless sounds like something you might discover in a Sisyphean hell or in Norman Bates’ diary, but it’s just par for the course for Kim Kardashian and her passel of sluts. I just wonder when she and her sisters are finally going to come barreling out on a scarlet beast covered with blasphemous names and seven heads and ten horns, taking it up the butt from the pale riders while the moon turns to blood. “The Four Whores of the A Cock-in-Lips”^TM ought to be a huge hit here in the new Babylon!

_{Thanks to Megan for the clip!}