The plot thickens in the Kris Humphries / Kim Kardashian divorce proceedings! And by “plot thickens”, I mean, “they just won’t get it over with and go away”. Says New York Post,

Kris Humphries is refusing to divorce Kim Kardashian unless she gives him a “public apology” and admits “the entire wedding was staged by her and her family.”

Sources tell us Nets star Humphries is holding back on a divorce settlement with the reality raven and even turned down a $7 million offer from her to “shut up and go away.”

A friend of Humphries told us, “Kim’s camp is depicting him as money-hungry, but in fact he turned down a $7 million settlement. Her camp is putting out stories about ‘Kim’s divorce hell’ hoping he’ll cave in, but he won’t.

“Kris wants Kim to admit to fraud, to admit the whole thing was staged for publicity, to make a public apology to him because he really wanted a marriage,” our insider said.

Humphries and his camp are furious at what they claim is a campaign by Team Kim to attack him in the press. One friend added, “They are trying to spin Kim as the victim, but Kris isn’t going to stand for it.”

The divorce has been stalled because Humphries took the unusual step of filing for an annulment based on fraud. He is also demanding Kim reveal how much she earned during their 72-day marriage, claiming she hasn’t given an honest account of the money made from their wedding. According to reports, Kris has complied with turning over his bank records and credit-card statements, but Kim so far has not.

Our source added Kris is particularly keen to disprove Kim and her mother Kris Jenner’s claims that they didn’t profit off the wedding.

But a source close to Kim insists she never offered him $7 million and is not attacking him in the press, because “she just wants to move on.”

If (ha ha) their marriage was really a sham, and they both were in on it, I think the best thing to do would to get back together. Seriously, think about it. They’re perfect for each other.  I think that’s what drew them together in the first place. It’s a “The narcissism in your soul greets the narcissism in my soul” kind of connection. It’s like true love, only way more profitable.

Kim K at the Valentino Rodeo Drive Flagship Opening in Beverly Hills:

Kim Kardashian has decided to take legal action against the woman who flour-bombed her on the red carpet at the launch of her True Reflection perfume last week. Digital Spy says:

Kardashian revealed: “Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it, I think, ‘What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?’ It’s scary. And what’s even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere!”

Kardashian went on to say that she doesn’t want other people to think they can get away with other protests of this kind. “I’m gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable,” she added.

Oh, so it’s okay when a black guy sprays her in the face with white stuff, but not when an Asian woman does it. That’s racism!

Kim Kardashian got flour thrown on her at the launch of her “True Reflection” fragrance. She stepped backstage to clean off and minutes later reappeared de-floured, looking embarrassed and sheepishly grinning. It must have been like déjà vu for her of her first deflowering.

“Mad Men” actor Jon Hamm called out Kim Kardashian and her reality-star ilk for being the vapid twats that they are in next month’s issue of Elle, telling the magazine:

‘Whether it’s Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian or whoever, stupidity is certainly celebrated. Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you’re rewarded significantly… [the success of reality TV stars] doesn’t make any sense to [me].”

So of course Kim was promptly Google alerted to the comment and tweeted in response:

“Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, ‘stupid,’ is in my opinion careless. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another.”

Except no, we don’t. You don’t HAVE to respect anybody. Particularly anybody who got their start being fucked on camera. The Daily Mail says:

During an appearance on The Today Show this morning, 41-year-old Hamm firmly stood by his remarks.

When asked about the matter by host Matt Lauer, Hamm responded: ‘I don’t think [my comments] were careless. I think they were accurate.’

‘It’s a part of our culture that I certainly don’t identify with, and I don’t really understand the appeal of it other than in a sort of car crash sensibility… it’s not something that I partake in or enjoy, but it is what is and here we are.’

They only way Jon Hamm could have pwned Kim Kardashian any harder is if he’d brought in a slide show of screen caps from the sex tape and illuminated each of his points with stills of her with a big black cock in her mouth. That would have been fucking awesome.

At the Ft. Lauderdale airport last week:

It seems that even Kim Kardashian is starting to get the memo that everyone thinks she’s a money-hungry, fame-hungry whore. In an attempt to prove otherwise, she claims she has made donations to a charity for all those wedding presents she got. TMZ exclusively reports,

Kim Kardashian is keeping the blender and the gravy boat, but she’s donating twice what she snagged in wedding gifts to a really good charity … TMZ has learned.

We obtained a letter — sent to every guest at the Kim K/Kris Humphries wedding. Kim says, “I would like to thank you for your generous and thoughtful wedding gift. It has taken me some time to pull everything together but I wanted to let you know that the money for every gift received by me at my wedding has been donated to the Dream Foundation …”

Sources tell us … Kim estimates the total cash value of the all the gifts to be around $100k, but she’s cut a check for twice that amount to the Dream Foundation.

Of course if you read the fine print, what she means is that 10% of that is what she really donates. This bitch couldn’t perform a completely charitable act if her fake-ass eyelashes depended on it.

Her big squishy ass in Calabasas (that shit is NOT normal):

The Kardashian Klan is being sued for $5 million because, like everything that comes from that family, the diet pills they were hawking are Krap. Yeah, shocker, right? Says TMZ,

Kim Kardashian and her sisters waged a campaign of LIES when they claimed they got their rock hard bikini bodies from a diet pill called QuickTrim … this according to a new $5 MILLION lawsuit.

The point of the suit — a bunch of people in NY claim there’s no POSSIBLE way QuickTrim could’ve helped Kim, Khloe and Kourtney lose weight … because the main ingredient is caffeine. According to the suit, “The FDA has determined [caffeine] is not a safe or effective treatment for weight control.”

Enter the Kardashians … celebrity spokespeople who are featured on just about every single product QuickTrim sells.

According to the suit, filed in NY by Bursor & Fisher, the Kardashians fed lies to the public through commercials, magazines and social media since 2009 … like when Kim went on Twitter and said, “Our QuickTrim cleanse will be massive! Khloe has already lost so much weight.”

The plaintiffs claim they would NEVER have purchased the QuickTrim products if they would have known the truth … and claim the Kardashian testimonials were completely unsubstantiated.

Now, the Kardashians, QuickTrim and various companies that sold the products are being sued for more than $5 million in damages.

So far, no comment from the Kardashian camp.

I don’t know what’s more amusing about this article: That anyone would be idiotic enough to believe that the Kardashians aren’t all plastic surgery and Photoshop, that people would out themselves as said idiots, or that the Kardashian’s bodies are being described as rock-hard. Soft-boiled, yeah. Rock-hard–not so much.

Kim at QVC’s “Buzz on the Red Carpet Cocktail Party”:

31-year-old Kim Kardashian must think all her fans are either severely myopic or using a Commodore 128, because she put this shameless attention-whoring photo of herself in a sports bra on her Twitter with the following caption:

‘Sweatpants hair tie chillin with no make up on!’

Which, as you can obviously see, is a damn dirty lie. I’ve seen Kim Kardashian without makeup, and it doesn’t look like that. It looks like this. Think “Armenian Eddie Munster” and you’ve just about got it right.

With Miley Cyrus at the Elton John AIDS charity gala something or other this week:

I don’t wanna alarm anyone, but there’s a good chance that Snooki and Kim Kardashian are actually the same person. The only way to know for sure is to kill one of them and see if the other one coincidentally dies of mysterious circumstances right after.

If Bigfoot falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? This is a perplexing question to consider as you watch Khloe Kardashian attempt to ride a sex swing she installed in her bedroom. Of course, I suppose that’s a moot question since she and her other God-forsaken sisters don’t take a shit without cameras rolling. Says Too Fab about the incident,

Khloe Kardashian is many things — wife, reality star, entrepreneur — but sex swing installation expert isn’t one of them.

During last night’s season premiere of “Khloe & Lamar,” the Kardashian sister decided it was time to spice things up with hubby Lamar Odom in the bedroom.

Instead of hiring someone to hook up a swing over her bed, Khloe decided to do it herself … with disastrous consequences.

Right as she and Lamar were about to put it to the test, the swing crashed down — with Khloe in it!

“I’m embarrassed and I’m trying to push the limits and do something new,” she said after. “But I’m not a handyman.”

So, she’s embarrassed to call a handyman, but not to tape herself in what should have been a private moment and air it on TV? Bitch, please.

Oh look, Kim K doing the only thing she’s good for: showing off her body in a bikini:

I like the shipwrecked vibe that Allure gave Kim Kardashian in their latest issue, mainly because I’ve always wanted a nautical excuse to reference her poop deck. Now I can finally check that one off my list.

Kris Humphries and his attorneys are claiming the above clip of Kim Kardashian professing her marital woes to mother Kris Jenner — which aired in a episode of “Kourtney and Kim Take New York” last month — was actually filmed on a soundstage in back December, meaning he now wants an annulment on the grounds that his entire marriage was clearly a big scripted lie. The Daily Mail says:

The scene was presented as having taken place two months before during a business trip the mother and daughter duo took to Dubai in October – just weeks before Kim filed for divorce after 72 days of marriage.

Kim and her mother Kris were spotted leaving a Hollywood TV studio on December 6 with the 31-year-old socialite wearing the same outfit and hairstyle as she does in the scene.

Her mother Kris was photographed following her daughter out of the studio, with an assistant carrying the purple kaftan-style dress she wears in the scene, shot in the back of a limo.

A source [said]: ‘Kris feels that if this is true and the whole conversation was faked, this would help prove that he got married under fraudulent circumstances… yes, this did occur after the marriage, but this is one clear example that could help sway the judge to grant the divorce on the grounds of fraud.’

I tried to get a marriage annulled once, but it turns out “tuck-and-hide” isn’t actually considered fraud under Tennessee state law. But don’t worry — I’m already in the preliminary stages of drafting my own bill to change all that. If we all step up and make our voices heard, together we can make a difference.

Screen caps from Kim’s photo shoot for Esquire:

31-year-old sex tape star Kim Kardashian and 29-year-old homewrecker LeAnn Rimes have more in common than just a prescription for Valtrex — they both attended the same church in Calabasas this past Sunday. The Daily Mail says:

LeAnn attended the morning service at the Life Change Community Church with her husband Eddie Cibrian, while Kim arrived with her mother Kris Jenner, sister Kourtney and nephew Mason.

Following the service on Sunday, Twitter-mad LeAnn posted: ‘Thank you a great service [Pastor Brad Johnson] you made me cry.

She then added: ‘@KimKardashian great seeing you and the fam. See you soon xoxo.’

Kim then swiftly replied with: ‘You too babe! See you soon! Xoxo.’

I’m fairly certain that in the Bible, the earth opens up and swallows the whores of Babylon whole when they dare to cross the threshold of the most holy. Which is really ironic when you stop and think about it, in that it’s usually the whores doing most of the swallowing and everything.