It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned it, but in case you’ve forgotten — Paris Hilton is a whore. So are her whore friends. The Sun has the tape to prove it.

It is thought this new footage was discovered earlier this year when Paris forgot to pay the rent on her storage vault.A website called Parisexposed.com then released the footage on the net, although Paris obtained a temporary injunction against them. Now, the footage has reappeared on YouTube, with stronger versions available on US websites.

Now, the other whore:

Kim Kardashian may have said she wanted to ban it (she filed a lawsuit to prevent the DVD from being sold, but [later] dropped it), but her sex tape is now being released in full. Nearly 100 minutes of Kim with hip hop [Ray J] star will hit the net, including more than an hour of new footage. An initial version of Kim Kardashian Superstar came out in February and was one of the best selling adult videos of the year in the States. Since then, she has posed for Playboy and landed an E! Channel reality show.

So it seems the Kim Kardashian Superstar sex tape didn’t really do her career any harm at all.

Son of a bitch. No, of course it didn’t hurt her career. She didn’t have a fucking career. All she did before the sex tape hit the net was alternate plastic surgery with being photographed next to Paris Hilton. Now that she’s made a name for herself by letting some no-name black guy rail her, suddenly she’s really going places. Congratu-fucking-lations, Kim. Your grandparents must be so proud! Just think, one day you’ll have a daughter of you own, and you can share with her the joy of mass-releasing footage of you getting tagged by some jerk-off with a faggy moustache. Like your little girl’s first steps or first words, it’s special moment that you’re sure to remember forever. Almost as memorable as the first time she comes to you for Valtrex and an abortion. Really, I’m surprised Hallmark doesn’t make a card for that.

The Great Satan at Good Life Weekend on Friday:

Kim Kardashian didn’t pose for the December issue of Playboy because of the money or her desperate need for attention — she did it for fat girls the world over. What a philanthropist! The NY Daily News reports

Kim Kardashian had reason for posing nude for Playboy’s December issue - and it wasn’t the paycheck. “I did it because I’m not one of those stick-skinny girls you see. I felt like girls today need to see a normal body,” she told us at the Morgan 4 Ever launch at Underbar last week. “My mom actually pushed me to do it! I think she’s living vicariously through me a little bit.”

Maybe someone should tell Kim that fat girls aren’t the ones buying Playboy. The magazine’s target demographic is guys who enjoy jerking off and the occasional socially relevant read while they’re on the crapper. If the Great Satan wanted to empower fat girls so bad, she should have tried posing in Woman’s Day or the Dress Barn catalog or Fat Girl Weekly or whatever it is that fat girls read in between eclairs and corndogs. I’m guessing magazines coated in mylar to make the pages impervious to grease stains. Speaking of which, there’s a novel idea, Playboy! Lamination! The gift that keeps on giving. Maybe Kim did inspire something good after all.

Kim shopping at Ralph’s on Wednesday:

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve ever instructed my mother to “spread her legs” and “push up her tits,” but then again, I’m not the living embodiment of the evils of western culture armed with my own camera crew. Usually, watching your mother posing topless sounds like something you might discover in a Sisyphean hell or in Norman Bates’ diary, but it’s just par for the course for Kim Kardashian and her passel of sluts. I just wonder when she and her sisters are finally going to come barreling out on a scarlet beast covered with blasphemous names and seven heads and ten horns, taking it up the butt from the pale riders while the moon turns to blood. “The Four Whores of the A Cock-in-Lips”^TM ought to be a huge hit here in the new Babylon!

_{Thanks to Megan for the clip!}

Michael K at Dlisted got some seriously disturbing footage from “Keeping up with the Kardashians,” or as it’s known in 87% of the Muslim* world, “Keeping up with the Great Satan.” In the above clip, the older Kardashian whores (this would include the mother and the fat ones and the really fat ones) are in Mexico shooting an ad campaign for Joe Francis’ Girls Gone Wild bikini line. Let’s pause here and really drink that part in, shall we? All the while the two littlest twats are in the protective custody of some retard and his retard friend with the accent. The uglier retard has the bright idea to videotape the two elementary-age girls pretending they are on Girls Gone Wild and swinging around a stripper pole. Yes. God only knows how many national landmarks are gonna pay for this abomination. My hawkish ideals and I just sat there in stunned silence when the clip ended. Really — we had nothing. It was starting to get a little awkward. Finally, I just turned on Al-Jezeera, set down my Coke and my tiny American flag and said, “Just stick with the nitramines this time, boys. I hear they burn a little cleaner.” Then I flew away on a bald eagle, ruing the nation I’d once sworn to protect while a single tear ran down my cheek. On second thought, maybe I just did a couple of bong hits and watched that clip of that dog puking while he’s humping that other dog. Also an entirely appropriate response.

*and Canada

“Keeping Up With The Kardashians” premiered Sunday night on E!, and if you forgot and spent that hour jerking off to “Hirsute Hussy” or having explosive diarrhea, you pretty much saw the whole thing. New York Daily News says of the Kardashians

Naked, underage pictures of reality starlets Kim and Kourtney Kardashian emerged two weeks before the debut of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” a new E! reality show featuring the family. In the first episode, youngest sis Kylie, 9, surprised viewers by showing off moves on a stripper pole in her parents’ bedroom.

Is there is a word for the kind of rage the above clip inspires? You know, good old-fashioned hooker-stabbing cat-kicking Palestinian-at-a-Zionist-Day-parade kind of rage. The kind that makes your eye twitch and causes those blackouts where you can’t remember why you’re sitting in a jail cell covered in pepper spray and vomit and somebody else’s excrement. My therapist calls that my “emotionally stunted inner child.” I call it “Jose Cuervo.” The one thing we both agree on? The Kardashians are stupid useless twats. Really, that one fat one makes Paris Hilton sound like Ruth fucking Ginsberg or something.