It pains me to say this, but Kirsten Dunst actually doesn’t look that bad in the February issue of W Magazine. So long as she keeps her mouth shut and her tits out, she’ll do just fine. Which, incidentally, is the same thing my mom told me right before she dropped me off at community college.

Michelle Williams, Elizabeth Olsen, Rooney Mara and Charlize Theron in W Magazine’s Best Performances 2012:

Normally when you say, “Hollywood actress in a bikini”, that’s a good thing. Unfortunately if you’re Kirsten Dunst, it elicits a reaction less “Oooh” and more “Ehhhhh” or downright “Ewwww”. Porcelain skin works on some people, but if it’s attached to Snaggletooth here, it’s more like someone dredged up some pasty creature of the deep that’s never seen the light of day. I’d imagine that even if fair Venus emerged from the sea, she’d wrinkle her patrician nose and poke the offending creature with a stick.

In Hawaii:

These people lining up to see Meloncholia are going to feel pretty stupid when they realize they didn’t have to pay $15 just to see Kirsten Dunst’s boobs. They could have come here to see them for free. Give yourself a pat on the back. You’re the smart ones, my friends. Don’t say I never did anything nice for you.

Kirsten Dunst was presented with the Prix de l’Interpretation Feminine in Cannes yesterday for her role in the Lars von Trier film “Mein Kampf” “Melancholia.” The Daily Mail says:

Kirsten Dunst conquered the Cannes Film Festival by taking the best actress award from a jury led by Robert De Niro and for a movie made by banned film-maker Lars von Trier.

The 29-year-old star thought her chances of winning at Cannes were dimmed after Von Trier was [banned] by the festival’s board after telling a press conference he understood Hitler and that he ‘was a Nazi’.

She gives a terrific, deeply felt performance in Melancholia as a newly-wed bride who instantly regrets her marriage while at the same time the planet Earth is on collision course with another planet.

Imagine my surprise when I learned that “Prix de l’Interpretation Feminine” wasn’t French for “Teeth Like Nasty Bits of Broken Tile.” And for the record, the banning of Lars von Trier marks the only time in history the French have ever successfully forced a Nazi out of France.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Alexander McQueen was the designer du jour at the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Annual Costume Institute Gala Ball last night, with Gisele Bundchen, Salma Hayek and Sarah Jessica Parker all wearing his signature creations. There were two big themes among the patrons — Black Swan, as seen on Liv Tyler, Demi Moore and Miranda Kerr, and Princess Bride, as modeled by Naomi Campbell, Fergie and Miranda Kerr above. Kirsten Dunst, as always, had the ugliest dress there, but Ashely Olsen was a close second in a dress designed that appeared to have been designed by a nearsighted lumberjack turned Victorian hippie. But I don’t know how they get off calling it a costume ball when there wasn’t a wizard, mutant or storm trooper in the bunch. Frankly, you’d be much better off just going to Comic-Con.

More pics after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Contrary to popular belief, vampires don’t sparkle and they don’t burst into flames in daylight. How do I know? Because cuspid-endowed Kirsten Dunst is living proof.  Okay, she might not be living proof, since vampires are dead. But you get my point.

Looking for her next warm meal:

The good news is: it looks like Kirsten Dunst might have taken care of the snaggle-teeth. The bad news is: she traded them in for a 70-year-old smoker’s.

At a press conference in Sweden for her next role in a Lars von Trier film Melancholia. The movie will be shot in Trollhattan in Sweden, with actors Kiefer Sutherland, Kirsten Dunst, Stellan and Alexander Skaarsgard:

Kirsten Dunst might look like a beardless version of The Flying Dutchman from Spongebob Squarepants and have a mouth only an angler fish could love, but she still has a pretty impressive rack. And if that’s good enough for me, then by God, it’s damn well good enough for you. Beggars can’t be choosers, you know. Not unless one of them has a gun.

In Cannes and on the red carpet promoting her directorial debut:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

I hope you all have a fantabulous long weekend ahead of you, fellow readers! To prove that the S.S. post isn’t always about hot girls and bikinis, here’s Kirsten Dunst strolling along the frigid New York sidewalks with her lunch friend. Have a great weekend, ya’ll!

Proving that there are still a ton of sickos out there, Kirsten Dunst has filed a restraining order against a man accused of stalking her. Dunst says in the declaration

“Christopher Smith has repeatedly shown up uninvited at my place of residence in Los Angeles, going to so far as to ignore police warnings, bypass my personal security measures, trespass on my property, and attempt to gain entry into my home.

Mr. Smith’s sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Maybe the guy was hard up for a little Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog. It’s not like there’s a real live witch hanging out on every street corner in L.A., you know. Kirsten Dunst is about as close as you’ll get. And even if you did come across a real live witch, you have to have Elune’s Candle or the Torch of Holy Flame in your arsenal, which you won’t have unless you’ve already beaten the dungeons of Blackfathom Depths, unless of course you’re already aLevel 20 Elven Sorcerer, in which case you would probably use the Luminescent Rod of the Naaru to kill her and then go back to jerking off in your mother’s basement. See? It’s not as simple as it sounds.

And now, the must-have gift for the person that you hate at the office Christmas party — the official Kirsten Dunst desk calendar!

When you think “sexy hot celebrity catfight,” which two names come to mind? Is it Megan Fox and Jessica Alba? Angelina Jolie and Marissa Miller? Or maybe you’re more of a “Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst” kind of guy who enjoys macramé and living in your mother’s basement. If you are, then today’s your lucky day — it seems that over the weekend, ex-girlfriend of Justin “I’m a Mac” Long Drew Barrymore and current girlfriend Kirsten Dunst both ended up backstage at Saturday Night Live, where things turned a little ugly. Well, uglier than they already are, and that’s sayin’ a lot. According to OK Magazine

Drew was on hand to hang with good pal Cameron Diaz, who was making a cameo, while Kirsten was there to cheer on her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who had been given hosting duties for the week.

“Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in,” one witness tells OK!. “James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron. But Kirsten didn’t want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night.”

Keeping their distance was a complicated matter, as both actresses kept having to step outside for cigarette breaks.

So, ugly and boring! A title only previously held by Hilary Clinton and Carrot Top. I’m pretty sure the average person would be more aroused by The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe and milk farts. At least the Old Woman in the Shoe knew how to throw a fucking punch!

Kirsten at a Yankees game in New York last Monday:

Kirsten Dunst showed up to the New York premiere of “Hounddog” yesterday dressed to kill, and by “dressed to kill” I mean “she should just kill herself.” She attempted to usher back the suspender — whose heyday in the “Family Matters” era has long since past — with a spaghetti-strapped silk blouse and white flats. It looks like total shit. Fashion suicide. No one takes a woman seriously in fucking suspenders. The only time suspenders ever work is if they’re accompanied by a beanie, a jock strap and roller skates. Sorry, Jean Paul Gaultier — I thought of it first! Fashion Week, here I come!