I hope you all have a fantabulous long weekend ahead of you, fellow readers! To prove that the S.S. post isn’t always about hot girls and bikinis, here’s Kirsten Dunst strolling along the frigid New York sidewalks with her lunch friend. Have a great weekend, ya’ll!

Proving that there are still a ton of sickos out there, Kirsten Dunst has filed a restraining order against a man accused of stalking her. Dunst says in the declaration

“Christopher Smith has repeatedly shown up uninvited at my place of residence in Los Angeles, going to so far as to ignore police warnings, bypass my personal security measures, trespass on my property, and attempt to gain entry into my home.

Mr. Smith’s sudden, aggressive, and harassing efforts to contact me are extremely frightening. I fear not only for my own personal safety, but also for the safety and well being of my housemate and assistant.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Maybe the guy was hard up for a little Eye of Newt and Toe of Frog. It’s not like there’s a real live witch hanging out on every street corner in L.A., you know. Kirsten Dunst is about as close as you’ll get. And even if you did come across a real live witch, you have to have Elune’s Candle or the Torch of Holy Flame in your arsenal, which you won’t have unless you’ve already beaten the dungeons of Blackfathom Depths, unless of course you’re already aLevel 20 Elven Sorcerer, in which case you would probably use the Luminescent Rod of the Naaru to kill her and then go back to jerking off in your mother’s basement. See? It’s not as simple as it sounds.

And now, the must-have gift for the person that you hate at the office Christmas party — the official Kirsten Dunst desk calendar!

When you think “sexy hot celebrity catfight,” which two names come to mind? Is it Megan Fox and Jessica Alba? Angelina Jolie and Marissa Miller? Or maybe you’re more of a “Drew Barrymore and Kirsten Dunst” kind of guy who enjoys macramé and living in your mother’s basement. If you are, then today’s your lucky day — it seems that over the weekend, ex-girlfriend of Justin “I’m a Mac” Long Drew Barrymore and current girlfriend Kirsten Dunst both ended up backstage at Saturday Night Live, where things turned a little ugly. Well, uglier than they already are, and that’s sayin’ a lot. According to OK Magazine

Drew was on hand to hang with good pal Cameron Diaz, who was making a cameo, while Kirsten was there to cheer on her Spider-Man co-star James Franco, who had been given hosting duties for the week.

“Drew and Kirsten had a really awkward run-in,” one witness tells OK!. “James had to deflect the situation by making a joke and walking away with Kirsten while Drew then fumed about it to Cameron. But Kirsten didn’t want to be near her, so they stayed far away from each other the entire night.”

Keeping their distance was a complicated matter, as both actresses kept having to step outside for cigarette breaks.

So, ugly and boring! A title only previously held by Hilary Clinton and Carrot Top. I’m pretty sure the average person would be more aroused by The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe and milk farts. At least the Old Woman in the Shoe knew how to throw a fucking punch!

Kirsten at a Yankees game in New York last Monday:

Kirsten Dunst showed up to the New York premiere of “Hounddog” yesterday dressed to kill, and by “dressed to kill” I mean “she should just kill herself.” She attempted to usher back the suspender — whose heyday in the “Family Matters” era has long since past — with a spaghetti-strapped silk blouse and white flats. It looks like total shit. Fashion suicide. No one takes a woman seriously in fucking suspenders. The only time suspenders ever work is if they’re accompanied by a beanie, a jock strap and roller skates. Sorry, Jean Paul Gaultier — I thought of it first! Fashion Week, here I come!

The always radiant Kirsten Dunst was spotted sucking face with Drew Barrymore’s ex-boyfriend Justin Long over the weekend. According to Rush and Molloy

The “Mac guy” was snogging Dunst in L.A. at Sunset Junction. The duo “were making out hard-core while waiting in line for margaritas,” says our spy. “They were holding hands and were all over each other.”

Yep, she might be pushing 30, but Kirsten Dunst’s still got it. “It” of course being “the kind of ugly than could peel the stink off a monkey.” That Justin Long is one lucky fella!

At the International Shortfest in Palm Springs on Saturday:

Kirsten Dusnt is opening up about her trip to rehab earlier this year, blaming her little stint in the Cirque Lodge on her sad feelings instead of a problem with booze. E! Online says

[Kirsten said,] “There’s been a lot of misrepresentation about what is going on in my life. I didn’t go to Cirque Lodge for alcohol abuse or drug abuse. I went there for depression.”

While naysayers out there may groan that a young, wealthy Hollywood starlet should have nothing to be depressed about, Dunst says mental illness doesn’t know any such boundaries. “We’re all in the same boat together,” she opines. “Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

With so many Hollywood stars battling mental illness — Winona Ryder, Jim Carrey, Owen Wilson, to name a few — it begs the question “Does acting itself create emotional instability, or are those drawn to acting already dissociative by nature and therefore prone to mental unbalance?” You know, the whole “chicken vs. the egg” debate. Well, there’s one thing we can all agree on: Kirsten Dunst’s face probably passed through a chicken’s birth canal at some point. Science says it’s the only real explanation as to why it looks that way.

Freshly-rehabbed Kirsten Dunst was photographed sporting a massive shiner Monday afternoon in New York. The Mirror says

Spider-Man star Kirsten Dunst looked like she’d been punched in the eye on the set of her latest film. Even a huge pair of sunglasses couldn’t hide the massive bruise on her cheek.

This follows close on the heels of Kirsten’s boozy 26th birthday party at NYC’s Bowery Electric last week. Coincidence? Probably not. MSNBC adds

A spywitness claims Kirsten downed a shot of whiskey before moving on to a series of rum and Cokes. “She got worse as the night went on,” the source revealed to the magazine. “She was dancing and jumping around like a crazed animal! She indulged any guy who gave her attention… and went up to several guys and started flirting with them hardcore.”

It’s Kirsten Dunst we’re talking about here, so you can pretty much guarantee she either A) caught the corner of the bathroom sink as she passed out on the crapper, or B) took one in the face trying to fend off a cross and a wooden stake from entering her heart.

Not even a whole month out of rehab, and Kirsten Dunst is already back to her Drunksnty ways. The NY Daily News says

Recently rehabbed Kirsten Dunst partied hard last week for her 26th birthday at Bowery Electric. We can’t say for sure what the newly sober Dunst was consuming, but spies say the actress looked a lot worse for the wear as she tumbled out on to the street hours after midnight with girlfriends gripping her arm.

A really fun game to play with a drunk person is a little something I like to call “Lassie.” Wait until they’re good and drunk and slurry and can’t get a discernible word out, and when they try to get your attention because they need to throw up, crouch down next to them, cock your head to one side and say, “What is it, girl? Trouble at the old mill? Timmy fell down a well?!” See, it’d be especially funny with Kirsten, because she’s already got the cuspids of an actual canine.

Jennifer Aniston sucking face with John Mayer in Miami, because they’re too boring for a whole post:

In Touch magazine is reporting that actress Kirsten Dunst has finally found true love beneath the romantic canopy of rehab. Showbiz Spy says

The 25-year-old star met the mystery man at the Cirque Lodge rehabilitation center in Sundance, Utah. An insider told the magazine: “The staff has asked the two to separate more than enough. She sits on his lap while smoking cigarettes.”

Dunst’s new boyfriend has asked his mum to send flowers to Kirsten at the clinic on his behalf.

Flowers? What’s Kirsten Dunst going to do with a bunch of fucking flowers? A nice arrangement of captive princesses and new-born babies is what trolls like best. Unless you can get your hands on the bigger, fatter billy goat Gruff just across the bridge, but I bet they’re damn near impossible to wrap.

Jennifer “Chins” Lopez finally gave birth this morning to twins — a boy and a girl. According to People Magazine

The babies were born early Friday in Long Island, N.Y. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs. “Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon,” [says] Lopez’s manager.

I bet the nurses promptly doused the twins with tabasco and rolled them in peppercorn so Marc Anthony wouldn’t gobble them down the first chance he got. Trolls don’t care for the muy picante. That’s why you’ll never find any trolls eating Indian people. In fact, the only thing a troll hates more than a spicy baby is a baby covered in Marshmallow Peeps and coconut, which is why Easter is actually one of the most troll-free holidays around. It also explains why you never see Kirsten Dunst swinging an basket full of brightly colored eggs and candy anywhere she goes. You can’t argue with the facts, man.

Kirsten Dunst’s check-in to rehab last week has been a long time in the making. Friends of the actress say she’s been boozing for years now and even blame drinking for the demise of her relationship with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. According to Us Weekly,

“Jake was turned off by all the partying,” [says] a source. Ironically, regret over the breakup led her to party more – and use cocaine and alcohol. “Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

Funny, I always thought it was Kirsten’s vagina that drove Jake away. You know, in that it’s not a penis with testicles or a pool boy’s supple anus.

I warned you! And now it’s finally happened. Actress Kirsten Dunst has checked herself into rehab. According to Star magazine

Kirsten Dunst has checked into the Cirque Lodge in Utah… after a week of wild parties at last month’s Sundance Film Festival. A source in Utah tells Star, “She seemed to be intoxicated when she checked in. She was extremely emotional, constantly breaking down in tears. She not in a good place right now, but thankfully, she’s getting the help she needs.”

Seemed to be intoxicated? Look, just because you had a hard time understanding her doesn’t mean she was drunk. It just means her teeth get in the way sometimes when she’s talking. And you’d cry, too, if every time you made the hard “F” and “V” sounds you stabbed holes in your lower lip with both bicuspids. It’d be like taking a nail gun to your mouth every time you slurred “another vermouth and vodka” or “more Beefeaters and Finlandia” or “fuck you, I’m fine” to the guy trying to call you a cab.

Kirsten in spring season Miu Miu ads: